Pitfalls.

I think it's about time for an update.

Hi everyone :)
I hope you're doing well this holiday season, and that it's filled with loving friends, family and the holiday spirit.

I've been doing... okay. And as I say that, I honestly have been okay.
This semester has been rough. It's the hardest I've ever faced and that's including friends, classes, social-lite-being, work(like activities), love and just life I guess.

This Christmas I can already tell you is going to be so hard but I just have to keep reminding myself of the good things that I still have.
I have my Aunt and my cousin, who despite their struggles with an impending divorce case, have continuously thrown me love and hugs and laughs to make sure that I'm still doing okay.
I have my grandparents, who I know are hurting so much but we can still laugh about the little things.
I have my roommate who can make me giggle incessantly.
I have my health and nothing is broken.
I have a job and school is taken care of.
I have friends that I'd die for and I feel like some would do the same.

I mean I've got so much to be so thankful and grateful for.

And I swear I don't know what it is about this season, but people are beginning to pair up left and right! You'd swear the Ark was coming.
But seriously, I'm so glad for my friends who Have paired up with someone! Because the 4 people in question all deserve each other and I'm so happy for all of them.

I think I'm getting kind of anxious though. I have to admit it. I'm terrified I won't make it through this break. I know I will physically, but emotionally I know I probably won't. I have no one to divert my attentions. I'll have to jump headfirst into this whole "being by myself" thing and I don't like this feeling. I want someone to dote on and someone who can divert my attentions from the sheer reality I have yet to face.
That of which, is that I'm alone.. My best friend has gone to where I cannot reach her and the bitter truth is that I miss her so much and some of that love I have for her is floating around with no where to go.
Maybe I shouldn't be with anyone. Maybe that's a bad idea and I'll just scare away another potential one. I would love for someone to look at me just to say "I'm proud of you" but I can only think of one person who's openly done that.
I'm just so tired of being so much by myself. It's very frustrating.

I see my friends who have many of the same feelings I have towards love and then they find it and are so remarkably happy, I have no choice but to hug them and shout because I'm so happy for them too.
It's just these little pitfalls that strike me a bit harder now I guess.


Sadly, I feel as though the people that I view romantically don't see the person I'm trying to be. Rather they settle for the appearance of what I am and then they give up on that.
The person I try to show them is the one who loves to give presents for no reason, would watch you and attempt to play video games for hours if it meant spending time with you, wants to go on walks in the snow so that I can figure out exactly what you're thoughts on Egyptian and Greek gods are, someone who would love to go to the parkway with a hot chocolate if it meant being closer to you, who would love to talk about music and fight about which Beatles/Ramones/Beck/Maroon 5 anything album was better for hours until we're both fighting to stay awake, I'm that person who picks a random movie we've both seen just to give it commentary, someone who loves love and is always in the mood for kissing, and I'm just that type of person who falls completely in love with the other person and would rather we best friends than anything.
But no one can tell any of that.

Can it just be April already?

Crafting Crazy, Creative Cretins Creatures' Creations for Christmas.

AAHH how'd it get to be 4AM?!

BUT AHH I got SO EXCITED for Christmas like yesterday.
I'm forming lists of things that I'm gonna make for people.
I actually found things that I want to make for my Grandpa... HE IS SO HARD TO SHOP FOR.
But omg. I want to make him a lamp for his workshop that is made out of a washer drum. HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE.
Sorry I'm really excited.
For my grandma, I'm making her sewing related things.
For Lise', I'm getting personal. She's getting Scrabbled' Coasters and cute decorative things that inspired me on Pinterest.
For Chloe, cupcake lights, an earring rack, and canvases. She wants me to teach her to paint.
GOOD LORD I'M EXCITED.

AND several ideas for Erin. But I will not post here BECAUSE SHE READS. *the face*
And Cat's on that list too. ;)

So Cat and I went to Antiquing today and it was sooooo.... Overwhelming :D because we went to "The Antique Place" to go and jesus christ, there was 3 floors CRAMMED with stuff. I couldn't handle it. BUT I have ideas. SO MANY IDEAS.
I'm knitting right now too. Actually just a hat you know? I'm knitting it for me and I finished painting something for my Grandma. I have lots to do and I need to watch my money carefully because I don't want Christmas to end up like it did last year with me scrambling around at the last second to get things done.

...Lise keeps bringing up the fact that we're gonna be at my grandparents house for Christmas morning. Like we're having a slumber party there so that it's not as hard waking up to a house where my Mom isn't making coffee and shuffling around in her giant green bathrobe.

Christmas is going to be reeeeeally hard. Considering that my entire family loves holidays almost too much.
While I was out with Cat, we went into this other little antique place and I was riffling through stuff and stumbled upon this little set of old projector slides of the "It's A Small World" ride. I teared up right then and there because the first thought in my head was "Ohhh! I could put this in Mom's stocking!...." and then realized. Jesus this is harder than I thought. I miss her. I wish I could hear her telling the story about when she and I went to Disneyland, just us while Dad was doing business, and we went on that ride and got stuck for almost an hour. We laughed so hard because of that stupid song, that was playing over and over and over again. I wish I could share that with someone who would think it was as funny as I used to think it was...
I don't know what I'm going to do this year... My christmas stuff is all in boxes, and Lise has no idea where or how to set any of it up... I don't want to go home but I want to so bad. I want everything to go back to the way it was....
I need to stop. I have to stop. Because I'm just depressing myself and unfortunately we have to make new traditions whether we like it or not. Lise said we can bring Brownie over for Christmas. God, I'm so glad because then I'll have my lil pillow to snuggle up with.
Thanksgiving will be okay.
Thanksgiving will be okay.
Thanksgiving will be okay.
I just have to keep telling myself that.
I AM making her cranberry sauce and those wierd-ass brussel sprouts she loved so much though. In her honor. Hopefully I can make them all right... AND I'm making the turkey.
I'm pretty excited and I'll post all the foodie stuff on my other page-
http://confessions-of-a-college-cook.blogspot.com/
which I think is pretty cool I guess. I mean it's just a blog about food..

But jesus, I need a hug.

I've discovered that I think I need a boyfriend... I've been so goddamn flirty lately and I need to stop that. I really though.. I really want someone to dote on.. to cook for... to snuggle with that won't shed all over me :)
Potentially someone to help me get through everything, slightly. Or at least lessen the blow that the holidays will imminently have on my family.

We'll get through things though. I've had to learn to do so by myself, and that's what it's lookin to end up playin out as.
No problems though, I guess.

So okay, shower time!
<3 ya all!

Blackbird fly... Into the light of a dark black night..

Today was good.
A hiccup here or there but overall it turned out great. I got to reconnect with a couple of friends and connect with someone new and it was nice.

Not to mention I got in line for a breakfast burrito just in time. THAT in itself makes my day.

Classes are classes. BUT I'm getting ready to get my trips all in order.
I'm so excited you don't even know.
I'm trying to plan my New Years, whether it's in NY or AZ... THEN there's the conference in March to CA. AND FINALLY. LE PIECE DE RESISTANCE.
The Trip To Europe.
With Erin. I can't even stand it.

Life is looking up a bit.
Unfortunately things get put on hold and some get pushed elsewhere. But you gotta do what you gotta do I guess. And I honestly can't think of any more of an eloquent way to have said that.

And what's funny is that I keep thinking about my date from tonight... Haha sweet boy. No really, he seems genuinely sweet and just goofy. It's refreshing really. I would love to just hang out with him more. I don't know, I think him and I have some stuff in common, but I hardly know him so I guess I'll just have to get to know him better. Which I would really like to, too :)

It's been a good day... And tomorrow will be even better.

2-D for me

I reread my mom's blog occaisionally.
Everytime I read
http://maren-rediscoveringaudacity.blogspot.com/2011/02/crap-day.html
I read it in her voice and it makes me cry.

I've been feeling entirely 2-Dimensional. I feel like I'm not really working towards anything anymore and I hate it. A lot of my goals were to show my mom that I Could live on my own, that I Could survive. And I know I can, it's just gotten to a point where I don't care. My therapist has helped me but there's so much in my head that, really, she doesn't even know.

I printed out my application for the study abroad.
I still have to design my Makeup project for tomorrow.
I need to write a proposal for APO and look for places for the show to perform, in like 2 weeks.

I feel like I'm starting to drown among all of this and when in retrospect, it's hardly anything I feel. It just seems like my mind is still reeling and won't stop. I get stuck on one thing and I don't want to focus. My brain's out of focus and goddamn it my back hurts like a son of a bitch.

It's sad when you start to realize things too. As in the fact that a lot of your friends are too afraid to step up and Physically be there when you obviously need a distraction.
I've taken to drinking a lot. I drink and drink and drink and I've begun to recognize the fact that it's just binge drinking. Yet, I was in a class thinking "How good would a hot chocolate with kaluha be right now?".
I never used to think that way.

Now I think I just want to sleep. Sleep and not think about anything. I really think that I need a vacation from everything. I need to get away from school, the people who say they're my friends but respond with blank faces, the situations I'm getting myself into, the commitments I've made but am starting to realize that it's difficult on my own, etc.

My head just wants to de-focus for a minute, but in me not letting it, it takes longer to focus than it used to.

I have fewer good days now. More just so-so days.
My head is screaming: "CHANGE SOMETHING NOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!"
but my body is saying: "But I just wanna curl up for a minute..."
and then my heart is pleading: "I've been broken. I need time... Just leave it all alone...."


I would kill for a cuddle buddy right about now. Just someone to hold on to so that the world stops spinning for a minute and maybe I can sleep...

Tired. Of. It. All.

It's like I don't want to live anymore.
My heart is broken and I don't know how to put it back together.
Mom was supposed to teach me how to do that when and IF I was ever to be with someone.
I don't really know where to go from here...

I'm sitting in the library, drinking a coffee and hiding behind my outlet of a blog.
I'm not suicidal, but I'm in danger of disappearing completely and I'm curious if anyone actually cares. I know that quite a few people who claim to care about me could really give a shit, but that's just life, you know?
If you aren't a specific way, no one could be bothered to consider you more than what you already are to them- a physical storage system for their memories or thoughts of you. You aren't anything else, basically just a walking flashdrive for other people. That's what I've become and I don't want to hold onto all of this anymore.


Have a great Monday. I know that I am.

outpouring

Back in Boone.
Trying desperately to cope.

It's bad to be alone. It's sad when you're brain starts to ask your heart the questions instead of the other way around. Or when your self esteem is shot and all you can think about is why am I still here? I wish I still had my cheering squad... the ones who didn't give up on me so quickly, like I feel everyone else has.

I met new people this weekend. I met so many new people, new stories, new possible adventures.
I'm done with the life I've been leading. I'm ready to go someplace where no one knows who I am. So that when I fuck up like I've apparently done so many times in the past, it'd only be the first time for the New People.

I want a fresh start.

Cat and I vegged out today, and it was glorious. It was nice just to sit around and relax. With my shoulders up around my ears and my stomach growling at me, I feel like I'm a little on edge. Nothing is simple anymore. Everything has a price tag, everything has hidden connotations, everyone has a secret that they'd rather you die than find them out.
I have secrets.
I have plenty of secrets.
I may or may not be tired of keeping them, though.
(Hint: ..It's the first choice.)

Sometimes you think that little things can take away the pain...
Shopping for something new (or at Goodwill) because God Knows you need more clothing, but honestly you just want to have an excuse to get rid of the shirt you wore when she died.
Cooking (and burning sometimes) anything you can muster up because you can't bring back her homemade meat sauce and brilliance at making dinner in under half an hour.
Eating because A) your stomach signals it's hungry, B) it's making you nauseous, C) you got a memory flash of you and her eating something and laughing and you miss that so much you can't even stand it.
Cleaning everything as well as you can because she'd want it that way.
Hugging anyone and everyone because you feel more alone when you're in a crowd than by yourself and you're pretty sure that if you hug tight enough that she'll come back to hug you.


Life sucks. People say to move on, but you know what? How can you come back from that? How can you move on when you feel like no one loves/cares/gives a shit about you anyway?
I've got my aunts and grandparents, but they've got their own lives. I've never been thought of as the center of someone's world, but Mom did. Mom had said so. She told me as I had contemplated suicide, What was she supposed to do? If I died?? Because she wouldn't be able to handle it and she'd just off herself too... Well I'm getting back to that feeling. I'm beginning to figure out that there isn't really a "happy", it's just a sense of reassurance that everything's going to be fine. Well I've lost my reassurance and I have no idea where to get it back.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

I'm home... sort of.

I'm listening to Israel kamakawiwo'ole and he makes me feel better.

At the moment I'm currently at my grandparents house. I knew that I wouldn't be strong enough to be at my home alone, unfortunately. But I went over there today because I missed my Brownie-boy so much it hurt. He saw me and it made me tear up. My aunt Lise said he hadn't seemed that excited about anything til he saw me come into the garage. We had to honk to get him to come to the garage door and he moved slowly until he saw me and then was barking and whining and jumping all around. I had been so caught up in life that I almost forgot about him. My puppy, my little brother as Mom called him and I almost forgot that he was affected by this also. He and I sat on the floor and just played. He was he old self again and it made my heart swell.

He doesn't go in my Mom's room anymore. He goes and sits in his chair.

I had sat down on the sofa in the living room and he came and took his traditional place at the other end of the sofa. I looked at him and patted the sofa next to me. He then sat up, looked at me with his big sad eyes and then came and snuggled behind my knees and rested his chin and paw on my leg. He was at peace. We watched NCIS and I looked at him and his eyes were closed until he opened one and saw me, then lifted his head for a second as if to say, "Emily? Glad your home, I missed you". I teared up and he set his head back down, tilted it like he wanted me to read his thoughts of rubbing his head which I complied to. How could I not? God I missed his little face.

Lise was funny, she was looking at him tonight and he was begging for pizza crusts like always, and she goes "Brownie, look at that great big smile you goofy pup!" How could I have ever forgotten such an imperative member of my family? Not for anything, but if I think about having to leave again I'll cry, so let's not do that right now...

Moving on.. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" is playing. So cliche, but it's just about what I need.

Walking around my house was so weird. A definite warmth is gone, and I aim to try to put that back. Just like when I think about my family, such a part of it is gone and missing, I try to fill it but I already know I can't. It hurts everyday but I'm working with it, trying to get through it.

Most people have no idea, Absolutely No Idea what I'm feeling. And I may get aggressive towards some people (or people in general) but it's because it isn't fair. It isn't fair I had to lose my mom, let alone the woman I called my best friend. I may overreact to certain things because I may not necessarily want to hear allllllll about your family vacation that you and your mom went on and had a life changing time. Most likely I won't say anything about it, but inside it kills me a little each time on the inside. And I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I tried to make a change in my life where I wouldn't complain so much. I'm trying to not lie and just be honest more now, because life is Too God Damn Short. But please don't take this as a 'rant session' or complaints or whatever. I'm just telling whoever the hell is reading this, how it is.

Losing someone of my mom's caliber nevers leaves you. No, it's a big deal and yes, it affected me so immensely that I'm not so sure where in life I'm going.

So if you see me, don't walk on eggshells around me. Just help distract me for a minute. Thinking alone by myself almost always resorts to me getting teary-eyed and upset which is the absolute opposite of what I need to feel right now.

So as I sit here in my grandpa's TV room downstairs, on the 10 year old dinosaur of a Mac, listening to "Secret" my Maroon 5 contemplating going to bed (WOW it's only 1:25am), but then again wishing I could *start smoking and open some windows to cool off this crazy hot basement, wishing I could call Mom and get all the fucking drama thats happening at school and here at home off my chest, I honest to god wish I was laying on the sand in LSB right now with Erin listening to the ocean roll in and out and most likely be drinking a hot cocoa because hey, all the cool kids do.

You always wish that things get easier... Maybe they do. With time, I suppose. Or rather not easier, you just get crazier. Mom always said that we get crazier so that we can cope.

I'm pretty sure she was right.

"Music to Soothe the Savage Chairs..."

One of my favorite lines from Freshman Showcase (and it wasn't even my scene), that went up this past weekend...

Good lord I'm exhausted.

I just finished assistant directing the "First Year Showcase" and the Costume Sale is almost done, 'Mother Hicks' goes up in like... 3 days... which I'm working at everyday and good lord. Who has time for anything anymore?
But it looks like I'm doing fine. Of course.
I knew I'd survive everything. I knew I'd do okay, but it took quite a lot of convincing, grandma's cookies, tears and assurances to realize that.

I think it's time to focus on classes, my blogs and life rather than Everything else.
the next thing on my plate is Rocky Horror! and sleeping. *sigh*

...aaand I'm still goin!

This week has been pretty decently hard but you know what, along with my mood swings and my "you need to calm the fuck down" mentality, I think I'm doing okay.
I saw my guidance counselor yesterday and damn, I've had some issues.
But none that I'm all too worried about. Right now I'm completely (or almost completely) focused on APO and Freshman Showcase and USITT and trying to survive my classes (turns out that I hate math for than anything AND my french teacher is terrible).
But tonight is seriously what I live for.
Those moments with friends you have that maybe don't mean anything to you right now, but you'll treasure them forever. Like tonight for example. Katie and I were going to Walmart- then I asked if any of my actor-girls wanted to come with. All 3 who were left came with.
So we hopped in the car and with the promise of stopping by Taco Bell to get Baja Blasts on the way back, we zoomed off and proceeded to mill around Walmart for an hour. We talked and found out about eachother and I mean, it was pretty awesome.
We sailed over to Taco Bell and sat there for 2 hours. We conversed, we chatted, we laughed, we cried and laughed, we pounded the table (..I pounded the table), we made inside jokes, we high-fived, we shouted, we sang...

These are the nights that I live for.
Thank the skies above for the friends that I have that make nights like these possible.
<3

"The Dog Days are Ooooverr, can't you hear the horses- because here theyyyy come!"

It's only been 23 days.
It already feels like it's been 2 months.

I've kept myself busy though- or maybe almost a little too busy (I'm taking the day off because GOOD Lord I'm exhausted) but I'm keeping my head in the game. I've got to.

Let's see a little update on school:
- I've been working on the Freshman showcase, I'm directing half of the acting portion alongside of one of the awesome professors in my department
- Classes are RIDICULOUS. GAH. But it's okay because it's only Wednesdays that I hate. haha
- APO is in full swing with our pledging season right now, and I have a Little, who's name is Maddie and she's Fabulous
- My roommate, Cat, is Amazing. I'm SO glad that she and I are living together, and that she puts up with all my crap :P
- I've been seeing a counselor to help me with my issues and deal with my grieving process. And I think it helps honestly, I'm kinda scared for next week though because as cliche as it sounds she wants to "talk about my childhood" and I don't know how I'm gonna deal with that..... haha
- I'm already starting to plan my study abroad trip and I'm SO EXCITED.
- This girl was voted President of USITT :D
- I SERIOUSLY need to do laundry and other assorted cleanliness things.
- My dorm room is Almost at completion when it comes to it being decorated :)
- Cat and I (and friends) built a fort in the study lounge last weekend
- I rock the crap out of some Kareoke.
- This weekend looks to be slightly ridiculous. Already.

I think I'm doing alright though. I miss her everyday and I almost had a panic attack in the ER with Tim (and if it wasn't for him, I would've Actually had one) but I think she'd be proud of the things that I'm doing. I got a credit card! And I'm renewing my passport and going to talk to Financial Aid today! I'm trying to get things done and ahead of schedule. It probably wasn't a wise choice to skip class today, but I think I needed a day off for a minute.

Also if anyone wants to be my pen-pal and you totally should... (I LOVE YOU ARI!!!) send me a letter at ASU BOX#17400, Boone, NC 28608
or give me a call at 704-962-5848
because I love my friendships and relationships and I'm trying to treasure every moment of them. Mom taught me that.

Thank you all for being there,
Emily

Where you lead, I will follow- anywhere... that you need me to..

So I'm assuming that most of whoever's reading this has already heard.
Maren Louise Candelario passed away on August 16th.

That amazing woman, Mom, sister and friend has left us to be somewhere where she has no pain, no troubles, no problems.
I lost my best friend that day.
My grandma and grandpa lost her daughter.
My aunts Lise and Berit lost their sister.
Many of you lost your friend.

My heart has broken and it hurts so badly, somedays I have no idea what to even do with myself.

I think of her everyday and it hurts. I may smile and distract myself, but almost every little thing reminds me of her. And why should it not? She and I were Rory and Lorelai. We were sympatico.

I was standing in the book line after having waited for my book list and looked at what I was getting and then in my head thought "ugh 3 anthologies? JESUS." then grabbed my phone to call my mom...
Then realized that I couldn't and my heart broke again. I didn't have my phone buddy to call when I thought of little things like that.
I sulked in the book line til I got my stuff, went to try and bought an ethernet cord which then as I was leaving about in tears, I set off the alarms going out of the bookstore in FRONT of the cop.
GOOD GOD NOT RIGHT NOW.
He checked ALL of my stuff and then after a good 6 or 7 minutes sent me on my way.
I sped right over to the counseling center.
I already knew that I couldn't do this on my own and I needed someone who wasn't grieving to help me.
As I was spelling out my last name to the receptionist, I couldn't hold it back any longer and she set a box of kleenex in front of me and proceeded to make sure that I was hustled through the line of people. After awhile I was with a very nice therapist, who heard my story and promised to help me through this. It was nice having someone, a 3rd party as it were, make sure that we could figure out how I could get through this.
And I've figured out a way for myself- I'm writing letters to Mom. Even though I won't have her silly sarcastic comments or her sharp wit anymore, I think it'll help me.

I will get through this. She raised me to be that way... and I will not let her down.
because as my mom said, "Oh honey, Life Goes On."

Just an update....

So it's been a ridiculous week.

Mom had her chemotherapy port put in on Monday Aug 1st.
Then she officially started chemo on Wednesday, making her feel like shit and nauseous with no appetite in sight.
Friday, they took out the chemo therapy machine that she had taken home on Wednesday.
Saturday, I walked into Mom's room, took a look at her and realized but couldn't believe it; my mother had a stroke while she had been sleeping.
Lise and I rushed her to the ER because her face was drooping worse and she lost almost all control in her left hand and leg. Then after a couple of tests, we sat there. And waited...
And waited...
And waited......
Hospitals, I've decided are ridiculous. I'm not a fan, never BEEN a fan. But after the wait, they told us that she had had a series of mini strokes and that they were going to keep her overnight and at least a few days for more tests.
And well it's been 2 days and I've been watching Mom pull through all of these trials. She's incredible, really. She's got pancreatic cancer AND Leukemia, she's officially quit smoking/drinking, AND she just had a stroke and is showing SO much improvement already from it, AFTER TWO DAYS. But on a even more positive note, she hasn't had any pain in the last few days (Thank GOD) and no stomach pains, no nauseousness (well she hasn't taken her Leukemia meds lately so that's proabably why) and overall besides being a bit mad that she can't use her left hand RIGHT NOW, she's in good spirits.
Honestly if anyone could beat all of this, she can.

This, though, has done a number on my family, but as they always do, they've all risen beautifully to the occaision. Lise and Grandma are both absolute godsends. And several of my mom's friends (including Lisa Grotte and Diane for everything they've done and all of the support, the neighbors around the culdesac surprised Mom with a beautiful yard all taken care of and have started a rotation on our yard so mom doesn't need to worry about it, and so much more.) My Aunt Berit is actually on her way now from CA, Lise just brought me up to Boone because I needed to go back to work (no matter how much I seriously didn't want to, I'm doing this for Mom) and I know she's in fantastically amazing hands with my grandma embroidering penguins for something Christmas-related(?) at her bedside, Lise hovering and staring at her while she sleeps and then Mom waking up to see Lise like that and say "Damn it Lise, you need to do that? haha" and for Lise to reply "Um, YEAH MAR-NEN. WHY? IS IT MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE??? HMMM??" with a giant smile on her face. Then Grandma interrupts with an ancedote from when Mom was a little girl saying something along the lines of "well Maren, at one point, I do remember you staring at Lise when she was a baby and looking at us and asking when we need to take it back to where it came from, because you thought Lise was a funny looking alien or something and didn't like it one bit..."
Cue the goofy and loud Danielson laughter and Lise cutting in with another story, maybe about Berit trying to cut off Mom's hair when they were teenagers. A solitary beep from a machine that Mom's hooked up to brings us all back to the situation, but only for a moment.

That's the beauty of my family really. We look for the good, the positivity, the anecdotes that make us laugh and solely we just have to keep our heads above water right now. I honestly cannot imagine what Mom must be going through right now. But she knows that she has so much support and love and prayers and good thoughts and good juju and direct lines to the Big Guy upstairs. Lise kept saying "You know Maren, you send out allllll of this good energy and love and look it here, you've gotten so much back already."

Maren Louise truely is an amazing woman. And I live for her.

So that's the update, if you feel the need for more details you can either call Lise or myself. And I just wanted those who love her like I do, to know that she's okay.


Thank you everyone for everything. It means a lot. <3

Mom and I? We're stubborn... Til we decide it's worth it.

So I've decided that when I get back to school things are changing.

First of all, I've decided that now is the time to lose weight.
I've figured that I need to get myself to a healthy weight and I've let myself get too big as it is. My knees aren't doing well and also, my back is almost always killing me.

So right now, I'm at (sadly) 225.
The normal weight for someone my height and frame size is 147-150.
So I have about 80 pounds to lose. And I think I can do it.
Personally, I need to be healthier considering my mom along with my aunt and grandma (they both have Type 2 Diabetes). But I'm now in the mind set that I seriously think I'll be able to do this. I'm going to be cooking a lot for myself so that I know what exactly is going into my food and also I'm going to be exercising more. Possibly running in the mornings at the SRC and swimming if I get a break during the day. I just know that I have to do this.
I think my that my ..third-way..point is going to be the 5K in October that I want to do with Kim for Cancer Awareness which is roughly...(pulls out calculator)... 26lbs... Well damn. NO- I CAN DO IT. I'm throwing myself into this. I need to do this. I have 2 and a half months til I may or may not be going to the beach. I CAN DO THIS- by the end of October. That's my goal for now.

So another thing that's changing- I'm going to be as positive and happy as I can be, in every aspect of my life. And now that I've realized a relationship is sort of arbitrary at this point in time, so I'm honestly not even going to let it cross my mind. I need to focus on classes and work and Mom.


I might take up the ukelele.
I have one.. somewhere.
But for some reason music is the only thing that really makes sense in my head anymore.
So as I continue to FINALLY teach myself the guitar, I will learn the ukelele and perhaps teach myself how to drive.

There. New goals- new life perspective- I can do this.

Well shit.

I've had this terrible feeling like my head is going to explode yet slowly but surely it's starting to de-swell...

So it's been a rough couple of days for my family and I.
Let's start off with the fact that my mom- the woman who I talk about frequently on here, told me just on this past Friday, that she's been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer.

This is probably the biggest thing to ever hit my family, ever.
My mom had told me while I was up in Boone, where I've been living for the summer. She came up with my aunt, my grandma and a close family friend Mary-Lou. They wanted to be there for Mom. And so she told me, as I proceeded to break down into choked sobs and get chills even though my apartment was at 87 degrees inside.
I seriously still can't really believe it. At times, I don't want to. I think of all the stories of "so-and-so passed away during their battle with cancer". I'm terrified.
Mainly because my mom said that she would rather I stayed at school and worked on graduating than stayed at home to take care of her. In my mind, I see her at home in pain by herself and that alone makes me want to cry. She assures me that with my aunt 12 houses away, my grandma in town, and all of our neighbors in and around the culda-sac, that she's going to be fine.
When I think about that and honestly just how strong she is, I completely forget that she has cancer... But then something like her having chemo tomorrow hits me and it all comes flooding back.
I try and be a positive person around Mom, I have to be. Because I've seen it in her face how this is hitting her and it makes me sad.
Then something like the fact that there's a study abroad trip through my department in the upcoming spring, hits me and I worry again. Because okay, what if something- god willing something happens, and I'm not there? What if I'm overseas and the worse case scenario happens? I can't stop thinking about that. For some reason, I'm just absolutely terrified that I won't be there. I guess college has done that to me. College makes me feel almost completely detached from my family here in Mo-ville.

I know that later on a lot of these worries will dissipate, but I guess since this is so new and we've been telling everyone what the deal is, it's just hard.
It's hard to accept and it's hard to live with. When in your head, you just think "oh she's just a little sick but she'll get better" but you forget that it's cancer.
But no. She WILL get better. She will get Better. She will get better. She has to. There is way too much that she and I have left to do, and she cannot leave me in this world alone.


But for now I'm left to my own devices- thinking up tattoo ideas inspired by mom, waiting for a job, worrying about my mom and her chemo treatments, being busy enough to cover everything financially, figuring that god loves me because I seem to be the only person that didn't get fucked over by financial aid, figuring that I need to lose X amount of weight so that I can love myself again, wishing that I had a man-type figure to lean on and to hug and to kiss and Good god I miss kissing, waiting for that 'Welcome to Pottermore!' email to come, contemplating what to do around the house and when exactly I should do laundry (probably this morning), hating my phone for it's faulty wiring and no idea how I'm supposed to fix it exactly, trying to help a friend with a very strange breakup (yes it's 4:06am), feeling guilty about a show I dropped so that I could come home to be with Mom because now that particular show has been cancelled, gasping about how great "The Glee Project" seems to be (I LOVE SAM AND HIS DREADLOCKS) and he makes me want to kiss him all the time and never stop, and finally regretting ever continuously liking a particular boy because he only seems to like the girls that aren't good for him. Yeah, that's my brain right now.

Frustrations.

You know it's amazing how fast I can sink my spirits and get myself into a bad mood.

I hate people and I always forget that until I start seeing how much I'm walked on.

I'm so tired of the bullshit.

Having nothing to do and feeling uncomfortable in my own place is unbearable.

Trying to make up my mind about who my real friends are makes my head want to explode.

Why do I do this to myself?

Where has all my humanity and free-spirited-ness gone?

WHY DO I HATE PEOPLE?? WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE A FRIEND AND NOT NEED A REASON TO HATE THEM?

I want this vicious circle to end.

Why can't the past come back in a good manner to me and not in hatefulness?

I'm exhausted. I just want to sleep and be among good company. I'm sick of forcing myself to be friends with people.

I want only happiness in my life but I have yet to find it.

"Girls In Trucks"

It's 5:14 because I needed to finish my book. It's called "Girls in Trucks" by Katie Crouch and my dad had given it to me absentmindedly for my birthday about 5 years ago.

I started reading it about a week ago. 5 years later.

It's been sitting in books that I've been interested in reading but just haven't due to laziness, a momentary lapse in my love of reading (most likely stemmed from the fact that I read really slow and for some reason I've become way too impatient), but also I just haven't had the will to pick it up. I mean my DAD gave it to me. Most likely he saw it at a big-name-box store, let's call it FOX BOOKS (and I applaud anyone who gets the reference!!) and the book was just hangin' on the sale table, he picked it up with a vague thought of "Hmm... my daughter has a uniqueness about her and slightly rebellious side to her... Looks like this might be up her kind of feminist alley!" and then strolled to the register and bought it.

See what's funny is that right now instead of pouring my thoughts into my blog like a Penseive, I want so badly to start reading that book again; just to grab any little things I might've forgotten or glazed over.
Now I won't recap the story for you, but I'm only going to mention a few things. I unfortunately feel so incredibly tied to this story. The main character Sarah, is unlucky in life and the book gets so dismal after a bit, that I just want to stop and cry and maybe throw up from the ordeals she's put herself through. But she's obsessive of a past love and unhappy about what she finds and judgemental of something that could be perfect for her. She chases something from too long ago that she knew she could have but now that she wants it, she can't have it. She realizes that she's unlucky... And at 31 realizes that she had been since 14.
She has a group of friends, she slightly envies all of them in a way. Charlotte, the recovering heroin addict who's become rich and famous. Annie, who is living the life she wanted but couldn't have until the end. And then Bitsy, the one who got Everything she wanted, never needed to try for it until she was rewarded with her end, and failed her battle with cancer. (I don't care that I ruined it for you, you'll still need to read this book).
She also shows you her neurotic sister who's as Enviromentally-friendly as an earthworm, but about as loving as a sloth.
Not to mention, a good portion of the story takes place in Charleston.
A few other things to mention, she never ends up married, she has a little girl whom she names Jessie, her father passed away and she's part of the Cameillas, a very traditional Southern debutante society.

Anyway, the reason I'm talking about all this is the fact of how much I was reminded of my family in this past session of me reading.
A moment that made me cry and make me tear up right now is when Sarah left Jessie (her 4 year old) with her mom, while they're home in Charleston for her father's funeral. Sarah left and drove her father's truck around, eventually coming back with food that Jessie really likes (hushpuppies!) and the image of her up on the porch with 'Gramma', and she claps her hands and squeals and exclaims Ooohs! of joy while Gramma fills in with just as much enthusiasm just for Jessie.
For some reason that just makes me picture my Grandma... And as I cry about it right now, it makes me wish I had her with me now so I can hug her tight. I miss those days terribly.
The other moment in the book that made me cry (almost uncontrollably) is when Sarah's talking to an old friend from a long time ago about Jessie and her father etc. Sarah narrates "We chat about life...Me: Northern college, delusions of grandeur, pointless magazine work, bad relationships, constant questioning, one fabulous daughter."
When I read the last part of that line, I sobbed. I'll be honest with you. It came out of nowhere but I got flashes of my mom and whenever she talks about life. She almost always refers to me in that manner, and now I think is the moment when I've appreciated that. I love her more than life itself, even if she doesn't think that sometimes. But what came flooding back to me was all of the hardships we've gone through, emotional and physical. It's just.. well I guess that sentence of Katie Crouch's sums it up. I love my mom and I miss her everyday, and I never want to be apart from her.
God, I'm blubbering.
Not to mention this book being tied into the South, and with Mom and I moving here and acclimating to the culture and the social cues and the rules.
And somehow, after my stupid (almost)-post-adolescent journey to find myself and discover who I am is over, somehow things won't be as bad as they seem and things will just work out. At least I have to believe that in order to not drive myself crazy.
Hmm. I think that this might be a pretty decent step into 'adulthood' if you can even call it that.

Well thanks 20 years- let's start this year off with a bang.

Hide this Face, Hide those Feelings.

I think the emotions from the last few weeks have caught up to me...
I've been running around being as crazy as possible and enjoying (just about) every second of it.
But right now, emotionally I think I might have hit a wall. I told myself that I would focus on myself and my emotions for a minute and take stock of everything that has happened.
The only thing is that I've fallen into sort of a trance, a lull.. I mean I feel like depression sort of feels like this too.
I've managed to raise myself out of it a little so that I'm not just being a bitch to everyone. I was reading HP7 (trying to finish it before the movie in 2 weeks) and then it started to rain a little. But the sun was shining as it is now. I stopped reading, put my book inside momentarily and sat back outside amongst the raindrops. I looked up at the sun and the clouds full of rain and they were beautiful. I then decided to think over everything that I was thankful for, in the long run or just at that moment in particular.
My list was pretty extensive and once I realized this, I felt a little better. The rain started to come down a little more frequent now and every time a drop would hit my foot, I thought of a person I knew whether or not we had a friendship, a love, a shared connection, an argument, a passing look..whatever.
It's impressive how far of a slump I had gotten myself into.
I thought of a friend who this had happened to also. At least I call him a friend, I'm not sure whether he considers me one of those but honestly I don't care anymore. He should know that I care about him no matter how much he tries to convince himself that he isn't worth it. Yeah I might just be "a cool chick" to him but seriously, I doubt he knows what I would do for him. My guess is that he could care less... Which to me is sad when he claims that he has hardly any friends that he can say that about.
Even now, that I think about him, I can imagine saying "Oh no, I know I have that sort of friends..." but then once he's upset about one of them being an ass to him, he seems to feel like none of his friends fully care for him. That just makes me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and yell "Do you not see who's right in front of you!?"
That's the thing with me. I don't take friends lightly. I would do anything that was within my ability for them.

It's just sad that people have been warped and jaded by so many that they can't see when the real thing is in front of them.

And right now, I'm trying to place some form of trust or friendship or something in that one and he brushes me off like a falling dried up leaf, cascading in the autumn wind.
I'm tempted just to walk like I always do, but I'm tired of walking away. I'm tired of feeling so alone after placing trust in someone but they don't quite feel that same sort of trust, and then they leave.
I'm tired of this feeling.
I'm only looking for someone I can believe in, someone I can hug or (even dare I say kiss) and feel that connection between us flow back to me effortlessly. I can't say I've ever felt that before, without either of us getting in the way.
People apparently take this sort of connection further than I intend though. I'm looking for it in friendship. I'm not looking for a dating relationship because I'm too messed up and not cut out for that right now.
But I'm looking for a relationship of- ...a close kind. Someone who would be there, up for anything, and ready to be ..themselves.

But I'm guessing that's too intense for a lot of people. It's unfortunate, but I guess this girl here will just have to keep searching...

Bravo Ms Rowling...

Frankie had never seen the newest Harry Potter (Deathly Hallows Part 1) so we rented it, bought some strawberries and chips and set out for a good night.

People typically know it's a good night when you say you're watching Harry Potter, let alone reading it. Because?

...well it's Harry Potter.

Good god, I love it so much. I know it's only a story and it's very close to it's end. But growing up with Harry Potter and Ron and Hermione, it helped me get through elementary, middle and high school. But once the books had been introduced back when I was 9, I wasn't interested. I did Not want to read them. After the first movie came out and I was almost 11 years old and 9/11 happened, I picked them up. '

First I read them...

Then I devoured them.

I soaked up as much as I possibly could about that world. Anything to get me out of the world I was in at that moment. I was able to escape and go on adventures with 3 of my favorite people, including one who looked kinda like me... That being Hermione or as I called her originally Herr-mee-own. I was able to fly through the years of not having many real friends and into the world where I knew I was safe. It's sad to say it but I became slightly obsessed with that world of magic. Every Christmas and birthday it became a tradition to get little Hermione figures and dolls and other books about the world, a castle model and her wand and the midnight premieres began and I made the costume (with Mom's help of course) out of an old graduation robe, a Gryffindor scarf my mom made for me especially and in the original style of the first movie, along with patent leather shoes and a broom. The morning the books would come out, it would be in my hand. No matter the circumstance. I was Hermione for Halloween, five years in a row. At one point, I carried a dictionary with me in my trick or treat bag, because I wanted to be as much like her as possible.

I grew up with them, they always seemed to be about my age and I was never mad that I didn't get a letter, I was perfectly content with my friends at Hogwarts.

People might say that I'm delusional but no, they will always be my friends and I truly love them.

I made a time-turner for the last midnight premiere.... in a night. Out of nothing.

Anyway, the reason for this explanation is because the final movie is coming out. And I have to miss the midnight premiere of it because of me working at camp. It just happened that way. When I talk about it around anyone else, I begin to tear up because it's the end of a huge part of my life and I don't get to celebrate it with everyone else I know who's grown up with it. I plan on rushing over to the movie theatre as soon as I'm allowed to leave camp but still. I want to cry.... I feel like a sissy but people don't typically understand the absolute love I have for this world. I've wanted and wished and hoped so hard to become a part of this world and I know how silly that sounds but that's how much I've grown attached to this world and way of life.

(EDIT- I quit the Hell Camp and now I'm actually able to go!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME!)

In Part 1, I said how at the end of the movie when Dobby dies... in Harry's arms... surrounded by the hero who released him, the girl who supported him and the boy who trusted him, I cry.

I cry every time.

I cry hard and I cry for a while. Every. Time.

Do you want to know why?

Because every time I watch or read that, I feel as though someone from my family has died. A friend so dear has passed on. And I can't take it. Yes, he's a mythical creature, yes he's not even human, yes he's only part of a story. I Understand. YOU DON'T.

The connection between me and the world of Harry Potter is one of magic.

But I guess this is my send-off for the land I love so much. You aren't dying, Never will you die. But rather laid to rest, finally completing and giving us closure...

Harry: thank you for being the awkward boy leader that no one really asked for, but stepped up when it mattered and kept everyone safe. You reminded me to take chances and not to think solely of myself and that trust in friends can only make you stronger.

Ron: I've always considered you like an older brother figure, and just want to thank you for reminding me of my sense of humor especially when it mattered in most of the dark times I went through. I wouldn't have made it without your silliness along the way.

Hermione: I have envied you from the beginning. You inspired me to be smarter about what I did and to look at things in a logical sense rather than acting solely on my emotions. I wanted so badly to follow in your footsteps and be just like you, even if it was just the fact that we had the same hair growing up. I'm just glad I had someone to relate to within this story so that I didn't feel as alone as I already did. You were my friend when I needed one and you always made things better. Thank you for being my friend..

(and just so that you realize, I'm talking about the book characters not necessarily the movie characters/actors even if they did put blood and life into the story)

I'm honestly just glad to have gotten the chance to live with them and grow with them and feel like I belonged somewhere.

So Ms Rowling, thank you. Thank you for dreaming all of this up and letting the world in on it.

Love,

Emily- a faithful reader/watcher/believer/witch

"But I will hold on hope..."

This is my ocean.
This is the world around me now.

I used to be able to go and sit in front of the ocean and stare and wonder at its vastness and capability to do almost anything.
But I can't.
I found myself yearning for that big expanse of never-ending ocean. But today, my entire outlook has changed.

I had something happen to me, up there on top of that mountain.
It was a religious experience for me. Something that even I couldn't explain.
All I know is that while sitting there, gazing out across the hundreds of miles of mountains, I began to cry... I have fallen in love with the scenery here and the trees and the creatures and the mountains and lakes and rivers. It's amazing because I always considered myself an ocean girl, and maybe I still am. But just looking out across, nothing in my way, it was beautiful.

I've found myself letting go and being humbled by the mountains- by the shear size and majesty of them. I had begun to ache for the ebb and flow of the ocean, as I used to hear it even just outside my window. But sitting on the side of that mountain, with just the sun on my back, wind in my face and the grass tickling my feet- I can't even describe to you.


At the moment the rain is falling and making beautiful pattering sounds by my window.
I'm where I am supposed to be. And this is the first time I've felt that I completely and totally belong here. It's a magical feeling honestly...
Oh and thank god for Mumford and Sons. Perfect moment, Perfect feelings.

It only takes a gray day (or two) to make you realize

Holy Horoscopes Batman!
Ugh.. Fucking Horoscopes.
I look at them once maybe a year and well, they tend to randomly be spot on.
Goddamnit Universe I get it! I understand that it's a full moon, and that's why everything was being peculiar, but at least I can let my mind rest.

Today, I felt like shit. I'm not really sure as to why but I think it might be made worse by the fact that it's like 50 degrees in the house and gross outside.

So I guess not a lot is going on in my life right now... Waiting til camp starts, wanting Jordan to come back to Boone, enjoying having some time off and working periodically, loving being in an apartment that's in the middle of everything, missing my mom and family too, kind of sad not to have my own room but hey, so far that's the only thing.

AND my birthday is coming soon... I've got a month and 8 days until I turn 20 and I've officially been alive for 2 decades. It's weird to me, it's like my own personal goal. Turning 21 has sort of lost the spark for me, this year though has been ridiculous.
-Helped SM a mainstage
-Got into Alpha Psi Omega
-Gained a boyfriend/lost a boyfriend (and realized how much of a mistake that was)
-Discovered a past someone again :)
-Met a hell of a lot of new people and got to know them Better
-Met me a fantastic coupla roommates
-Discovered more of myself and made the right decision to branch out
-Fell in love with that past someone :)
-Got an apartment for the first time and am living on my own
-Will be a camp couselor!
-Cooked without Panicking (That's for you Mom!) :D
And so many things....

2010-11 has been a bumpy ride but it's turned out in the end to not have been so bad :)

Hello 4AM...

Fittingly enough it's 4:20.
I'm living on "Hippy Hill" at the moment and have done mary-jane more in this last two weeks than I have in a year... And I'm having the time of my life.

It's been a little while so let me recap:
School's out, exams are over. Allison and I found an freaking AWESOME kind-of shitty apartment on a place called "Hippy Hill" and we've officially hit summer running.

Jordan and I have been apart since before exams started and it's killing me on the inside not being with him. It's hard but I'm powering through.

I passed all my exams and made it through all of my classes with solid B's and I've already planned on being WAY better next semester, for the love of god.

I've been working and dealing with living on my own. And boy, damn it feels good. I may be just sort of scraping by but Holy shit, I'm learning a lot.

I've been tempted. I've looked where I shouldn't have looked. I try to excuse my actions and what happens is that my brain tells me no. And I realize that that is Really cryptic but that's all I'm saying here.

I'm struggling with myself but this is all in the process. My heart is beating fast and it tries to decide my actions but I'm teaching myself. I have to. I've got me and that's it.

I'm realizing how good it is to have friends. I'm trying to trust more and allow my heart to be opened more frequently but it's proving very difficult for me, on a personal level.


So ...and I've been struck speechless. So much is buzzing in my head that I don't want to say that I almost feel like I must say. But I won't because I am not doing that to myself. I already know that that isn't how my heart feels, it's just what it thinks it wants.
I can already tell that watching 3 hours of Merlin has changed my speech pattern ..a little.
I suppose that's what it will do to you. :)


ANYWAY:
so the apartment- it's awesome, it's quaint, it's precious.... I don't know. I love it. I also love that there is almost always a party going on upstairs. Ryan, one of the boys who lives upstairs, is absolutely fantastic. Putting aside that he does some illegitimate things, he has great hair, an amazing attitude, can ballroom dance, does art and is basically just awesome- I'm going to miss the crap outta him once the school year starts up. BUT I reckon that I'll be over there a lot. I guarantee it.

So Jordan messaged me today... Apparently he and his family got into a car accident just recently and his dad is in the hospital. He's fine and so is his mom but his dad had his hand caught underneath the car and will hopefully be alright soon.

Id prayed everyday that he is okay and in good health and spirits, but this is the 2nd time in a short period of time that he has been in a car accident. I want him with me. I want so badly just to be with him. I want to be there for him and I'm so incredibly tired of being 200 so-odd miles away from him.
I don't want to break it off because my guess, once I'm at summer camp, it'll basically be put into stasis and will start back up once I'm back for good.

But I want it to be now... The next month or so is going to be a long one.


And for now, my insomniacs... To bed I said.

Sunshine makes you Grow

It was amazing out today.
ABSOLUTELY.

What's interesting is that I learned a lot about myself today with the help of my friend. She told me how the world honestly looks at me and that good god, I need to stop some of my tendencies.
And yes, sometimes I have screwed up but That isn't the end of the world. It isn't my job to be perfect all the time. Not that I am in the slightest, but at least I can stop trying so hard.
This may be a turning point. I don't even know...
Or I could just make it a turning point and not give a shit as to what other people think. I'm tired of not just knowing the truth.

I'm ready to focus on real relationships, try to make them better and hold them close. Because the ones that just sit there, with no connection at all, while you nurse it and try to force it into existence because you feel that that connection is something that's almost required.... It's not healthy.
If you have to force a friendship, give it up. You shouldn't have to compromise happiness because you feel something is necessary. Just focus on those who matter to you. And that you know you matter to them. Otherwise, life's only going to be a shit-ton of disappointments and feelings getting hurt.

I think my whole "I'm GOING to be HAPPY NOW" system is ending, and the "Honestly, I understand and care, but.." attitude will reign.
And it's not that I'm not ALL OVER HAPPY, I just think that Emily needs a little self-reevaluation.

I think I'm going to be happy for me, because I need to. And if anyone wants a boost from me, I'm happy to give it. And I'm happy to share. Always.


The friends that I do have that I'm close to and that I know I can trust and that they can trust me, I cherish. I'd do ANYTHING for them. Anything.
And those kinds of friends, in the end will make you stronger.
So thank god for that and them.
My smiles are dedicated to those precious few. :)

The mind is all a blunder

My Life as my Head Allows:

Things are falling into place
I found a likely apartment and Allison might be living with me for the summer
Camp is looking likely
But Options are available if camp doesn't work
Friends are here and open and smiling
Words are flowing better
Feelings are becoming more apparent
Opportunities are available for me
I'm discovering things about my life
I've fallen head over heels for Arizona Ice Tea
I passed my lifeguarding certification and my CPR training with flying colors
My old hometown was horrifically flooded
A friend of mine is getting married and she's my age
I'm kind of in love with the Daffodils around campus and my dream is to find a bouquet of them waiting for me somewhere...
Masks and making things with my hands is what I love
Recycling everything
Music everything
New friends bond easily, old friends bond seamlessly
Things are looking up
Finally

Looking for sunlight
Hearts beat through love tonight
I look for that someone
Who hopefully understands.
The head holds strong in confidence
While The Heart begs an audience.
Love's complicated I guess...

Just a little something...

I found this and it reminded me of what I need to concentrate on in life.

This is exactly what I need to think about.

So let me figure this out...
Happiness to me:
-Singing loudly in the car and dancing with Cat, Erin, and Andrew
-Jordan's dimples :)
-Summer rains at the lake with Chelsie, Senior year
-Just a smiley from Jordan while I'm at work :)
-Finding that picture-strip from the boardwalk with my girls
-When he told me that he couldn't tell I wasn't wearing makeup
-That moment of silence when I stumped a teacher ;D
-Getting 3 postcards from my traveling family, a card and check to make sure I can get home, a handmade card from my baby cousin, my paycheck and a package from my mommy filled with love and things I forgot at home
-Finding out I'm getting a great tan already
-Putting on a new pair of Reefs in the sunlight
-Holding Kelsey when she's upset but then telling her an inside joke making her giggle and smile :)
-Being held by Allison, with her calming me down reminding me to take one step at a time.

I just have to think about my happiness.

Lifeguard Training: Take 1

Okay.
My entire body hurts, my brain hurts and I don't really know what to do about that.
Honestly, and I won't lie to you, I don't really think I'm cut out to be a lifeguard. It might be because I'm kinda overweight so I struggle sometimes to keep up with other people but I don't know. I'm just so fucking tired right now. I can't find the strength to even put my laundry away or tell this one person that I can't talk at the moment. I'm just... drained. And I feel as if I did just about every one of the skills wrong. And the class only lasts til Sunday. We meet on Friday and Sunday and we have 3 tests that if we don't pass, we have to take the ENTIRE class again. And I honestly am like, "You've GOT to be joking right now."

This week has sucked majorly. It's been such a damn rollercoaster that I don't even know what to do with myself.
My mom just told me we aren't going to the Olympics so I could basically go on a study abroad trip which will be awesome. But ITS THE OLYMPICS. SERIOUSLY. not fair.
I can't seem to figure out housing for the summer, since honestly, I can't go back to Mooresville for the summer. I don't feel like it's where I belong.... (Now if only I could find a way to get my entire family up here!)
Jordan isn't sure about what he's doing either and got into a wreck and just a whooooole mess of shit.
I have to choose between Audra's wedding and a camp I would have so much fun at...
Most of my friends figure that I overstretch myself so much and that I'm so busy, they just drop me and I love both sets but I'm not really completely happy with either.

I hate having to choose. It makes me want to cry because nothing can work out where it's great for everyone! It's not fair!!!!!!!!!!!! I Hate This!!!
(PLEASE just let me have this hissy fit and let me BE!)
I don't want to be an adult, I don't want to have to choose between a friend and an experience, I don't want to have to choose between my mom and a trip of a lifetime and something that might be kinda cool until I get my hopes up about it. I don't want Jordan to be sad, and frustrated about his life and school. I DON'T WANT A TWITTER OR A TUMBLER. I JUST WANT TO LIVE AND NOT WORRY!!!!!!!!!
I'm so tired of all this. I just want a break. I want a mental break. Something that will not make me explode all over everyone. I just want to sit and cry for a little bit. I want to stop aching to leave the world and live on a mountaintop.

No I don't remember who you are.
No I can't seem to grasp this concept you're showing me.
No I don't want to believe that all my friends slowly forget me.
No I am not feeling okay.
No that won't work because somehow, after I fucked up my life and didn't get a license, I've become a freeloader and that just doesn't sit well with me.
No I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO GRADE ME ON HOW FUNNY I AM.
No I can't remember the last time I talked to you.
No I'm not kidding about wanting to cry, I am Just that tired.
No I really am terrified about life and I can't seem to figure anything out on my own.
Yes, I do need help. No really, I do.

Whoever gives two shits, my mind is about to explode, someone please... A hug maybe. A suggestion. Possibly a little light on what my mind can't decide.


I feel like I have a tumor blocking every signal from my decision making and memory sides of the brain. I don't get this.

Closure.

It will be a year to the day, since we broke up. Tomorrow is my one month anniversary with Jordan. I find that sort of comforting honestly. In a strange way, it's closure for me I guess. I saw him walking away and thought, "ha, it's been a year and I'm perfectly happy."

I guess the reason why this has been such a big thing with me over the last year is because ...(as I physically hesitate and stare at the computer screen) ...because I don't like hurting people. I hurt him and myself, and people retaliated and friends were lost in the shuffle. Hate was thrown, people were put down it was not what I wanted... But it's over, and has been for a year and suddenly a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it's nice. I'm done and I'm through with it all.

Tomorrow, will be the day that Jordan and I have been together for a month officially. He's different than anyone that I know and I hope that he and I will see a lot together. I'm a nice feeling to know that someone has your back when you need it, but is willing to give you space at the same time. It's nice to have that person there, even if some how you've convinced yourself you don't need it. You really do every now and again.

Even on this gray day, there's something to smile about :)

Damn it Neil Gaiman!

I found this quote and had no idea where to put it... I didn't want to put it on Facebook, thus someone getting the wrong idea of me. But I do actually believe this. It's saddening to me but I'm in a place right now that I'm almost scared of being vulnerable. I'm scared of opening myself up to someone just for them to get tired of me and say "you know, I don't think this is going to work..." followed by that characteristic long pause of dis-belief from me. But see I've spent a long time trying to fix my heart from what has happened in the past and god, I'm scared now. I'm absolutely terrified and what I tend to do is over-think, over-analyze, over-judge my situation with that person. I'm not doubting everything, but I'm just scared.
Wow, that's the word I've been searching for.
I hadn't been able to think of what it was I was feeling...
I want so badly just to innocently throw myself into this relationship. I want to absentmindedly trust and be that person he wants. But thanks to the cogs and screws in my mind, I feel I haven't been feeling that. I have to remind myself that he's there. He's the one who smiles at me... I'm the one he smiles at....
But could I even be that lucky?
I'm that girl? Or is this just some day-dream that's strangling my heart into believing he's looking at me?
Is it as simple as "Just trust it!" or is it as unsettling as "Well, if you hold them too close, they will go away..."

My brain and heart need to seriously have a chat.

Thanks for the confusion Neil.

[What is Really on your mind?]

I'm changing.
I, myself as a person, am changing.

This whole feeling is hard but it's interesting to watch at the same time. I think I noticed it today when I pulled out an art project that I'm working on. I was actually really proud of it, unlike any of the "art" I've done before.
Also, I set out to get stuff done, and even if it did take me all day, I have it done. Mainly laundry was what it was too. Since Spring Break is zooming up fast, I needed to get it done. All FOUR Massive Loads of it, goddamn. But it's interesting, I texted Jordan a few times throughout the day; we had mentioned hanging out. But I ended up not getting a response but I was teaching myself not to fixate on it. He has his life and I have mine. I did miss him though because it was an absolutely beautiful day and reminded me of a particular day he and I spent together during Homecoming week. Beautiful days like today's always tend to remind me of him...

But on another note....
I think I'm becoming more thoughtful of what I'm doing. I was trying so hard to not screw up and mess something up or seriously forget something. But I've had to realize that whatever it is, isn't the end of the world. Nothing ever is. I'd rather live my life happy and full of new realizations of things I've come to know, rather than monotonously in the same routine, hating everything about what I'm doing. Why do you think I'm a Theatre major? Because it's ever-changing. Always evolving. And that inspires me.

I've decided to get a grip and become.. well ultimately a better person. I feel I need to. I need to work on the mental side of things since I think it's sort of a well known fact that I'm a skitzo.
But I feel a change coming... This peace is kind of nice as it washes over you in the midst of a good song. Bombadil, Mumford and Sons, Kurt Vile, Matt & Kim, Simon and Garfunkel, and The Temper Trap are my soundtrack to these sort of days...

I just need to sit back and wait for the daylight....

Thanks Matt and Kim :)
"Daylight"

So this is gonna be a quickie, because I still have homework to do and I really want to continue painting. Honestly, I'm probably done for the night on that but like I said, still got homework to do.
So today's been interesting. I'm learning a lot about myself I suppose and about myself around certain people I guess. I was in the box office today and then in the costume shop.. I only felt the need to work a couple hours. I ended up not going to my art class today and I felt really bad about it but I just couldn't make myself go even though I did my project and everything. I discovered how much I actually miss painting. I feel like I used to all the time and now I just don't.
I want to set a goal for myself and paint something once a week. Or every two weeks finish something. It's just frustrating because in our art class, we have done Almost nothing. I can't wait to paint and sing and I need the weather to get a little bit warmer and I will be completely happy painting outside maybe :) Or at least drawing outside.

And I had dinner with Jordan tonight... I can't believe I've never hung out with him outside of like..my room. Or The Office... it's almost kinda weird.
I don't know. I think I'm just having a off day. I just wanted to hang out with Jordan and lay on the mall maybe and be happy in the sun. But he has the most classes then when I don't have like Any. I felt bad, but it just sort of threw me off. I hadn't seen him since like last week and he was in Raleigh all weekend. I can't blame him for that though. He does what he loves. I just need an outlet or something. I can't focus all my time on Jordan, because I don't want to seem clingy. I'm not especially, I just tend to focus on one thing and then get carried away...oh wait that sounds clingy. Awesome.
I need to get out of this city. Something needs to be different for awhile. Something needs to be experienced and just overall changed.

So after Shane's brother Cameron joked around that I was Shane's girlfriend, I basically revealed to Shane that I Had a boyfriend.
....He didn't say anything. He just walked away and didn't say a word.
I mean I don't now what to say. I knew he was giving some sort of signal when he hugged me after Cameron was joking around, because his hug lingered for a second. Not to mention it was really randomly given. But still I had to make sure he knew. But walking away without saying anything.. IF he had wanted to date me, he had PLENTY of time. Boy never made an assuring advance or vocally said ANYTHING. But whatever. I can't be upset about it because I have a sweet boy right now. :)

At least, I honestly hope that him and I last... At least for a while. But like Actually last ya know? I'm really in the want for a real relationship. We don't have to be attached at the hip, I just don't want to pretend to ignore him because I'm afraid that he'll think it's annoying, me texting and messaging him all the time. I don't really know what to do about any of this. Just focus on myself? Just not worry about anything except myself? I can't physically do that.
Besides the fact that I want to care about him... I do. And I'm just afraid he'll think I'm being overbearing.
Hell I have no idea how to even be in a real relationship...
I need some serious advice.
Who's willing?

I've just seen a face...

*SIGH* It's been an interesting week already... And today's Thursday.
The song that's been playing in my head is "I've Just Seen A Face" specifically from Across the Universe.
I love this song and I love singing along and harmonizing and it's just a fantastic song.
Almost makes me want to bowl... ;)

Like I said earlier, this week has been kind of intense. A couple of heart-to-hearts, a heart's reveal, and a broken heart on it's way to being repaired.

Right now I can't help but smile and try to harmonize with this song as it plays from my computer :)

Heart to hearts are interesting. I love having them with people because it allows me to learn a lot about them, not just through words but through the way they say the words or react to what they're saying or listening to or they're body language. I guess I'm a fan of people watching... But what's funny is when you are suddenly on the opposite side of the conversation than what you're used to. I had a long and involved conversation with a friend of mine and he learned things about me and sort of revealed things to me. And apparently according to him, the new interest in my life :) is exactly what I needed. His words entirely. But I don't know, I think I have to agree.

Now I'm listening to "All My Loving" also by the Beatles. It makes me think of him which is funny. He's managed to integrate himself into my mind all the time, it seems.
And I kinda love it :)


So on a whinier note, this week has been dotted with crap and just not-great events. But I'm taking the words of someone close and when I was prepared to rant and cry and feel overall bad about it and myself all he said was:
"Is that it? Oh. Well then that wasn't your path. And that's okay..."
Seriously that was exactly what someone like me needed to hear. After being upset over something so small, it didn't matter.
I'm beginning to think there's a reason why he's in my life. And I am so thankful for that.
And for always putting a smile on my face :)

Oooohhh St Valentine, How's it goin'?

Romantics is to Valentines day as little kids is to Christmas Eve.

I personally love Valentines day just to see amount of love exchanged between loved ones and friends.
My roommate just recieved a bouquet of roses from her boyfriend who lives in Maine. I love that she's in love :) It makes me happy.

But honestly, I'm kind of sad. Last year, I had a boyfriend and treated me to a great Valentines day for the first time.
I've decided I'm treating Valentine's day as it should be. A Monday. As it is. It's just a day and I expect nothing :)
But I do enjoy seeing all of the lovey dovey things people do for eachother. I don't know it'll be an interesting day...

To all the couples, singles, confused people out there:

The love between people- whether it be lovers or friends or family, is still beautiful. So go on, Go show someone you care :) Doesn't matter who or in what way, just matters that you do :) ♥

You are just kinda Nifty. Maybe A Lot.

How is it that I seem to be just as busy as last year?
I know I'm just as or even more exhausted than last semester. I need to quit putting myself into this cycle. I really need a mini vacation, sleep and possibly a swim break.
Who's up for a camping trip maybe?

*YAAAAAAAWWWWWWWNNN*
Good lord. I'm exhausted. My days are seriously non-stop since I jumped back into working.. Now I'm at I think 8 hours a week (at least) in the box office, not to mention 8 hours in costume shop supposedly. But who even knows...

OOOHHH!!! But I do have FANTASTIC news. I painted and did the photography for one of our shows' poster this semester. My name's on it and it's copyrighted by myself and EVERYTHING. SO EXCITED.

BUT I also sort of realized that the pictures I took, of a few of shows' rehearsal process for a couple newspapers are being PUBLISHED. WHAT. IS. THIS.
I didn't really think about it until I realized it. Neither are technically paying but hey, it lead me to my next job (also not paying but who cares!) which is going to be a "Photo Call" for the play festival the department is putting on. It's pretty snazzy in my eyes really.
Is this a career that I could POSSIBLY consider? Oh DAMN. It might. I love that thought, not to mention it's so exciting in my eyes.

So as I TRY to maybe wrap this up :P I need a shower.. like now.
BUT let's see:
~I've been unmotivated lately to do my chores :P Lame.
~That boy that I always end up mentioning, he should know, should he read this, that "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green is OFFICIALLY stuck in my head, makes me think of him every time and it never fails to put a smile on my face. Hey btw, let's stay together ;)
~I'm getting into my art class even if my teacher is secretly a Dalek and wants to exterminate me.
~Finding giftcards (FROM TARGET AND ITUNES) WITH MONEY on them makes my entire day. No. Joke.
~Hot chocolate makes me happy along with other things (hey Mr JO yeah you too you know)
~I've forgotten how much I love walks in the snow when it's gently falling, as it is now.
~Everyone should have a tin lunchbox with some sort of geeky amazing-ness on it. Case in point: I have a tin Wonder Woman lunchbox for art supplies and a Star Wars Episode IV lunchbox that always puts a smile on peoples faces, that I use for lunch everyday. :)
~Rebekah's CD has become one of the MOST played playlists on my computer.
~Valentine's day is coming up... :/ oh dear.

BUT. That's enough of an update. Besides that, nothing very exciting besides work and eh, even I'M not going to bore you with that. Ugh.
Well anyways goodnight from this insomniac to you :)

Traveling Mind, Steady Soul

I've decided I want to go to Boston.

I also want to go to New Orleans and Nashville again and New York and Miami and San Francisco. I really just want to go on a music excursion all over...

I think that Boston would be such an amazing trip.
There's so much out there to see and I just need to get out there, as I type this in the Chapel Wilson computer lab. The white walls are making me kind of sad.

Anyone want to go? I mean let's just go. Forget about work and school, let's just pick up and drive.

But honestly I can't be sad...
At least right now, I'm happy with friends and someone :) He's sweet and makes me smile.
You can't ask for anything greater :)

If this is a Turning point then... Good.

Certain things have been made apparent to me.

I was at a retreat for a group that I'm in and while everyone was being emotional, I managed to ...well also be equally emotional but I figured some things out. This semester has been shit already. I admit that. But see so many great things have come out of it. Including finding someone who I seriously consider a best friend already, someone who I can't wait to possibly have a future with, and a life outside of the thing I thought I loved most.
Yes, I am a Theatre major. BUT, it doesn't own me anymore.
I still love it, but I am not stressing about it anymore.
THANK GOD, too because I was slowly killing myself with the stress, mentally and physically.
It was funny because I used to love art and I drew all the time and READ, ahhh I missed reading. And now I'm doing both and I feel fantastic.

There's something scratching at my heels though... and I think it's cabin fever.
I suppose I'm probably at that age where I just want to learn everything and see the world and experience cultures and so on. I want to SO Badly too. I just want to go out on my own with whatever money I have and just see.
But my logical/reasoning part of my brain wakes up and goes "YOU have Obligations MADAM, you can do that LATER."

*sigh*

I was close. I AM close.
But I will one day get out there and see everything. That's my goal before I die.


So about this boy... :)
He makes me smile. And I know I've talked about him before, but I don't know. He intrigues me. His smile makes me happy and for right now, that's just perfect.
I would love to be that person that makes him happy and that person that he can turn to and just hug for as long as he needs.
I feel this intense need to go somewhere with him.. Like I just want to go and see things with him. He does that to me :)
And you know, in a previous post I said that I wanted to know what he was thinking...
Honestly, I'm kind of loving the fact that I don't know everything he's wondering about. It's really interesting because I've never been like this with anyone else.
I've never met anyone like him either.

So life's getting complicated but not in a bad way. I'm taking everything one step at a time as everyone has told me before.
Go with the flow...
Because going against the current isn't an option...

And I read some of the best advice, and he didn't even know what the circumstances were...
"Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right."
Best advice I've ever gotten, must say.

Well I'm for sure hoping for some amazing times :)

Welcome to this... Life.

"We Are Golden" by Mika is the song of the moment

I previously read some of my old blog posts and GOOD LORD I complain a lot. Gotta love self reflection.
I was thinking about old friends today and everything, I was/am having a pretty decent day. Hey look, the sun's come out :)

Then like in anyone's life, bumps in the road present itself. A friend of mine disappeared and apparently transferred to another school without telling ANYone, including me. I thought she and I were close, but obviously we weren't. I don't know, I finally went low enough to ask her boyfriend if he could ask her to RESPOND to at least ONE of my messages that I've left for her. I don't get it.

The other thing that sort dampened my day was the fact that so many people are in shows this semester. I'm just kind of upset about that. I just don't even like talking about it. I thought I did pretty decently but whatever. It's over now and I'll just get into a worse mood than before. Yay Shakespeare in the Park. The exclusivity that you bring makes me want to strangle myself, thanks. I'm just disappointed in the fact that some people are in what like, 3 or 4 shows and I can't seem to get even close to be cast in any. Honestly, this SHOWS that I have no talent for this field. In my head, my brain is saying to just walk away and do something else. Try to get better at something else. Try and DO SOMETHING ELSE. But right now, I have no idea what that could possibly be. Considering I hardly know anything else.
What does a person do if they want to change EVERYTHING about their life?
Where does one even begin?

I maybe can look into Art? I mean my voice isn't ANYWHERE strong enough to try with that, I can't play a musical instrument, maybe photography?
God this is hard. Redefining your Entire life has got to be difficult.

This is SO Frustrating.

A Traveler Wanders in search of... Love? No. Forgiveness? No. LIFE.

Song of the Moment:
"The Cave" by Mumford and Sons.

I need a new experience. I need to stop trying to force everything. I need to quit saying I.
There has to be a change soon, in this existence of mine. I'm extremely tired of this feeling, but I have this intense urge to go and travel and learn new things and have new experiences. I didn't know how restless of a person I was until now. It's not just my body that aches for something, someone, but it's my mind who needs to see something new. It needs to feel something new.
Anyone have any suggestions?


Places on my list:
-New York
-Amsterdam
-New Orleans
-Barcelona
-India
-Brazil
-Peru
-Mexico
-Egypt
-London
-South Africa
-Ireland
-Wales
-Sweden and Surrounding Scandinavian places
-Fuck it, I just want to go everywhere.

I would love to have someone just as impulsive or spontaneous with me...
Anyone want to?


This needs to happen. Or rather something GOOD for once needs to happen soon. At this point I just want to escape everything and sit in a rain forest by a river or look out at an ocean that I've never seen before.
Oooh... an ocean. I'd kill just to go sit in the sand. The feeling of something never ending in front of you gives me a calmed feeling...

I'm thinking I probably have cabin fever, since it's so FUCKING cold outside that I can't hardly walk around. BUT it doesn't stop me.

But for right now:

I need impulsiveness. I need spontaneity. I need a romantic.
I have craziness. I have so much fun. I have a lot of love to give.

I'm here. Where are you?

I don't know what it is...

There's been thinking going on today. I don't know why, but there has been.

I had a crazy conversation with my best friend. She knows me best and managed to stop making me say "well about this whole thing... I don't know..." She got me to face little things that turned into a Huge thing. Something I hadn't been able to admit to myself.

But she helped me realize the stupid trust barriers that I've placed around myself. I don't know why they're there but they are. And she and I figured that the only thing for me to get them to come down is proof. Proof that a person would be there for you or proof that they do actually care about you or proof that they are there to catch you if you fall. That's all that I would need. I don't have Any expectations. Just a want of proof. But I never end up getting it. I told her that that is probably the number one reason why I haven't had or rather wanted a relationship. I'm almost scared that I'll hurt the person in question.

But I want to trust them. My brain just needs that proof I guess, so that my heart can continue. GOOD LORD. UGH. This takes a toll on me.