An Amazing end to a Wild Year

Today.
Today was Christmas.

Today is Usually a day of stress, anxiety, desires to please, over-thinking, regrets, and disappointments.

Today was not that day. It was one of the best days I've had in an Incredibly long time.

I was with my family today and we remembered just how much we loved each other, and we remembered how far we've come, just even now.

Most of us had monetary issues this year. But that didn't stop us; we made presents for each other and got things we knew each other wanted.
I made presents that I wanted to mean something to each of my family. For Chloe, I made her a stuffed animal from scratch and put the precision into it I would for a professional piece, like Chlo-bell deserves. I drew Lise a picture of Chloe and took so much time on it because It Had To Be Perfect. It didn't turn out too bad either. And then I knit my Grandma a scarf that I had been working on for so long I don't even know. But I finished my projects and completed my own personal goal to get everything I wanted to get accomplished, Accomplished before Christmas. And I did.

Not so Usual....

Alright. Life Recap:

I'm getting over being so sad. Life will and has gone on. :)
and wow.. Tonight has for sure been interesting.

People are happy around me :) which I'm happy for them! Of course!

But god, I just had a conversation with Erin (and mom sorta).. It's wierd. I feel like I'm falling behind...
But I guess some people aren't cut out for long term relationships. Don't give me that bullshit of "you're just waiting for Mr Right". I really can't stand it when people tell me that.

I'm going to be fine. I'll settle eventually. And I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being a realist. Because eventually you end up settling for someone. Or that person moves on and goes on with their lives without you.
I'm scared of being one of those people. I'm scared I'll turn into my dad. And I don't want to do that. OR I'm scared that the person I fall madly in love with, will do what he did. I don't want to be hurt. It's more of that I'm scared to since I haven't really ever had that. Honestly I no longer count Austin because he and I had a great 4 months but... I don't know. I look back at it and it was so full of mistakes. So many things I did wrong. I always wonder what it might be like if he and I were still together but then I think, how? How would we still be together if I had been lying to myself? I don't know. It's a funny situation.
I would love to be pursued though. It's tough watching so many of my friends getting married and being in love and etc. I want that. I want to be in love with a best friend.

But everyone knows that's just a fairytale. That hardly ever happens. Because there will always be issues, people will always get on my nerves, my "better half" will get sick of it, not see the point of continuing and leave. Everyone always leaves.

Good Lord that's morbid. But at the moment, there's not a lot for me to look up to.

Tonight was interesting though... I listened to my friend Andrew Black about his crazy love life. He's in love with a girl who for some reason cannot love him back. I don't know why... considering he's attractive, funny, WAY too goofy for his own good, and has a Huge romantic heart. The poor boy is unfortunately head over heels and has no way of getting out of it.


So I'm sitting here thinking, "Hmm what if Andrew and I went out? We have a lot in common!" but it's got nothing to do with that anyway. It's all about the attraction.
Him and I could be absolutely great friends though. I need to quit being desparate and focus on me. Projects, writing, auditioning, working out (SO I CAN FIT IN MY DRESS!!! PLEASE!!), hanging out with friends and not ever searching for a Beau.


I'm prepared to go back to "best friend" status.
Here goes...

You Can Call me Al...

Life gets ya down.
I guess I'm the perfect example.
Erin bought a lot of my Actual issues to light last night, thank god. I was worried for myself honestly. I haven't been that bad since freshman year of high school. I don't like being like that, I don't believe that it's healthy. But crying is and getting everything out and on the table is. I feel decently better today, after talking to Erin and also actually to Cameron. He tried... I could tell, which means he cares, at least a little.

But at least today was better.

I just want this semester to finish up fast.
with okay days and okay everything else....

Just sleeping to dream...

I think I used up all my good karma... It's kind of a sad feeling. I need something to look forward to, to inspire me, to give me hope. I need someone to hold.

While I wear this ridickulous hat and sweats and my eyes unfocus as I just start to type. I realize that I need someone and I need someone to need me. I hate feeling alone. I need something to look forward to. I hate bringing people down especially when I'm sad. I hate being sad. I want so badly just to hold someone. And the more I want or need someone, the further that person goes away. I can feel it. Because I need to be back in love with myself and life and then that person will find me. I feel like they're close but I have no idea who it is at all. But all I know is that I want this to stop and I want to be myself again. I hate this feeling. I just want to sleep for like 6 months. No food, no water, just sleep. This weekend will consist of that. Maybe I can steal the room for a while on saturday and ask shane if he wants to come over. I don't know, I almost feel like him and I are forced. Or we're trying too hard. Or even Cam. I just want someone who wants me. Which is NEVER going to happen. I'm going to end up like Coach Beast from Glee, huge and scary and old and most likely in a job that I hate. That's such a bright future in front of me. God, it makes me so FUCKING EXCITED to get to wait to do that. I hate this. I hate this so much. I love everything about my life except for myself right now. There is so much I'd change about myself right now. And I bet there's no one in the universe who'd keep me the way I am. I'm going to be that one person every 1000 years who can't/won't find her matching person. I bet mine was some soldier in Iraq that got killed there. There ya go, I'm a Pre-Widow. AWESOME. I hate this. I just want a hug... A kiss on the cheek? A loving glance... A quiet embrace that reassures me about everything. GOD I FUCKING HATE THIS. MAKE IT STOPPP!! I just want to cry right now. I want so badly for everyone else to be happy and just end it for me. Everyone else has motivation. What's mine??? That's right, I don't have any!! I just want to go away. I don't want to be by myself anymore. I can't do this. I used to be so self-sufficient. I used to not believe that you truely needed anybody to be happy. But that is so far from right... I want to cry. I want to kill everyone who tells me how fucking happy they are. I want to shoot them until they stop twitching. I hate this. I'm not like this EVER. But right now, I don't even know. Someone please help? I'm crying out right now because I just want a damn hug that doesn't feel fake...

Someone catch me because I'm falling..
My heart hurts. I want so badly just to talk to someone. Help.

Holy Rusted Metal Batman!

My brain hurts and I'm conflicted and I can't seem to wrap my mind around anything that I feel needs a descision. I won't lie, I love life and I love all of my friends and I love the opportunities that have been ...thrusted? upon me. I'm so incredibly thankful that I live in Boone and get two jobs and can party without too many consequences but I miss my old friends. I DO NOT miss high school, but I miss like..Frankie and Beege and just hanging out with them but I feel like something doesn't click like it used to? I have to admit, selling my soul to the theatre department hasn't been quite as rewarding as I originally planned on it being. I miss being able to play frisbee and I miss being not-busy all the time and just hanging with people instead of having to plan every minute of my life out. It gets so tiring that I just want to be by myself, or just get a text from someone asking if I want to hang out. I no longer get those texts. I feel like no one cares. But then if I EVER let on to that I get this response: "oh... well I know that your super busy... I just don't try anymore". You know what? I TRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME TO TRY AND HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE. I TRY ALL THE TIME. I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO TRY ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED. I JUST WANT A FRIEND WHO'S THERE.... Oh wait, I have a couple like that. And they're in the Theatre department. They listen to me and hear me rant and they give me hugs and will text me to ask if I want to go get Mexican or if I want to take a Last-second trip to Raleigh to go see a show, and oh wait, Don't worry about the ticket, I already bought it for you so you Can see it!... I feel like my friends that I used to have are slowly dissapating and it depresses me. It's not that I hate them, it's not that I don't have time for them, and it's not like I Don't Have Any free time. It's because they no longer want to make the effort. And honestly, I don't give a shit. If people no longer want to even... make the effort? then I could care Even less. I ALWAYS make the effort. I WANT to make the effort. And me being busy isn't something that I didn't choose. Yes, I want to be busy and I have specific reasons but honestly I have plenty of free time. If people want to hang out with me, Go right on ahead. But since they apparently could care less, it's no skin off my nose.
I don't know... I'm feeling more and more appathetic these days. I'm just tired of not being able to rely on anyone outside of Theatre. I feel safe in my Chapell Wilson. But I'm just tired and want someone to make an effort to me...
Maybe I just want..a significant other. I know I've been trying to hard. I'm lonely. I'm busy, and stuck on this damn island. I've been stuck on this island for so long and would like to join the real world and not be so paranoid. The only time I don't feel paranoid is when I'm with Allison and Colleen. Like, I know and they know that we unconditionally love each other and I fit with them. It's weird because I've never fit like that with people. I'm always the one that is outside that loop but I fit in with them. And that's basically all I want I guess. But I want someone who I feel likes me not for ..other reasons.. but likes me for me. And I'm sure I've said that PLENTY of times but it's just like, Cam and I went out and got dinner at Hob Nob yesterday. It was fun because it wasn't like "is this a date? is this something else??" it was relaxed and we just talked and then we went to the BeansTalk and he taught and proceeded to kick my ass in checkers and then in chess (even though I won) and ask the 8 ball questions and just lounge. After that we went to the Hookah bar and chilled and kinda snuggled and just relaxed. He makes me so chilled out that when I think of him I smile :) But then once we decided to leave we went to his apartment, watched V for Vendetta and then I stayed over and we passed out. We're just friends and I love it this way. No more sexually charged energy as there should be and we just hung out. It was just nice to know that I have a friend like that.. And he isn't gay and he's attractive. It's nice :)

I am tired though of pushing myself to find someone though. I guess I just want some one to talk to. I have Allison and Colleen but I want someone to kiss and to snuggle with and someone to goof around with and to watch movies with and just overall be with. I am in love with the idea of love... Yet, I cannot seem to locate it's position in my life. And this is sad/bad/not glad of me to say this but at the moment, ALL of the people I'm friends with that are in relationships make me ill. I still love them but I physically cannot deal with it. For me at the moment, it's like something that you want so badly being dangled in front of you and to them it's fucking hilarious. Cutsy makes me want to strangle people. I cannot stand it. This week "Romeo and Juliet" opened and yes, I was working for it and seriously, I just had to remind myself, "they all die in the end..." That's HORRIBLE but it was the only thing to keep me from walking out of the theatre, even though the show is being done by ALL OF MY FRIENDS. My roommate had a boyfriend and she was upset because he never called her/texted/emailed/etc (long distance relationship) and she broke up with him, I felt better for her, but I was also sort of glad. And again, that's SO BAD to say... I feel like such an awful person for exposing all of this but I needed to say it. I couldn't just hold it in. I'm admitting that I need/want a boyfriend. And I really just don't know what to do. I want to be pursued, not be the pursuer. Colleen told me that I deserved to be pursued and I want so badly to agree but it's never happened to me in a way that wasn't I guess, creepy? I don't know. I just am so tired of making all the descisions. Please let there be someone who will make descisions for me!!

*sigh*

I think I might be done ranting. My mind seems a little lighter now... God, I need something good that will change my life for the better. Please? I'd appreciate it. But take your time. I don't want to rush you :)

Welcome Home...

Being home is.... not what I expected. I feel like I've packed away a time capsule with my family and home inside. Like nothing has changed but people have somehow gotten different. It's wierd. But not even really.

I noticed this little notebook on the coffee table and figured Mom had written in it. So I opened it and in the back, the last like 5 pages were filled with her writing. It kind of made me sad to read what she wrote... It was back when she was with my dad and before they had split up. It was basically her absolutely terrified of the real world and going out and getting a job. She felt like she could be a writer but she was too scared to send anything in. She said she felt lost and didn't realize how difficult a mundane life would end up being. So basically why try anymore?

I never realized how lost she felt and how unsure of herself she was. I mean, I myself am pretty damn sure of myself most of the time and I suppose I've gotten that from my dad. But damn, I know for a fact, I don't want to end up like how my mom feels. That would kill me on the inside. I have been in that position where I felt trapped and I wouldn't be able to do that for a living. I need to always be moving or else I might keel over. A desk job is probably the last thing I would EVER see myself doing. Unless it was something that I truly loved and required me at a desk occaisionally. But good god, I know I am meant to do something that involves the Theatre. I know that for a fact.

Hahahaha right now I'm fullfilling my night and talking to my best friend and her ABSOLUTELY cute friend in California. This is ridiculous. She can make my day so much better. Even by us not talking. It's fantabulous :)

Night has been made. <3

Nothing is what it seems in this City of Dreams...

I like him.

I think I do at least. Because I've never felt like this before. I'm really confused on my emotions right now. It's wierd because we have chemistry but aren't like ALL over eachother. I feel like I can be myself around him. I Have been myself around him. I can see him while wearing sweats and also while wearing a skirt or whatever. I really like his hugs. I want to kiss him but anytime is okay with me. I don't get this because to me, I'm usually all over guys and then it just gets bad. But he seems to be alright with my craziness. I really kinda like this thing. I see myself being friends with him or I see him and I being something. I'd love that. I'd love if he and I were to become something. I feel like him and I are a good balence but oh my god, I'm so rambly right now. I've been thinking about him. Like over the weekend, I was shopping with my friend Audrey on King St and found a record store. I found an Elvis LP and bought it for him. I thought he might like it since he LOVES Elvis. I loved seeing his reaction when he saw it. It just made me happy in a mellow kind of way. I just wanted to do something nice for him that was nothing. I love records and yeah, I think he liked it. I'm always sad when I have to watch him leave. Like he had to go write a paper and I was going out with Allison and my friends for her birthday. Once we got back, I walked into the market and called him, suggesting (or rather asking to see him) a study break. And so we hung out in my dorm, and we just giggled and smiled and we do that. We sit and talk and laugh. Him and I are good at that. He is easy to make laugh and I love that. His face makes me laugh. Oh geez, I like him. I want so badly to say "Could we have a movie date soon?" I don't know why, I think it's the whole saying the word "date" that freaks guys out of it. But I keep seeing in my head a picture of him and I watching an old movie, me in his arms and him smiling. That's all. It's so damn sappy but it's just a nice thought. I'd love to just hold hands with the boy. He makes me want to just go slow. But damn, he's a freaking ladys' man. GEEZ. He is so damn charming it's ridiculous. BUT I let him know that his charms are cute. But I am immune :) Or maybe I'm not ;) I don't know. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to know how I feel but I'd almost rather keep it like this because I almost don't want to ruin the friendship we've got. I just think he's special in a goofy kind of way. I meant to show him that pair of Batman converse. I think he'd actually die if he saw those. I really just want to show up with them, all nonchalantly and be like, "oh yeah so I got some new shoes... you like?"

But that would be so mean :D I love this song right now, "Good Love " by The Last Goodnight. I honestly wish that he could just read my mind and see how I feel about this situation. Til then though, I'm going to watch movies with him, have dinners and lunches and snacks with him, go on walks with him, talk to him and laugh with him, think about him and generally that's about it. I really want one of his hugs right now :) Just a giant bearhug. But it's okay, he said he would hopefully see me tommorrow. And that makes me happy :)

He makes me happy :)

Even if he doesn't know it.

I'm pretty sure I have homework to do but I can't think of what it is.

Oh well.

Fuck my horrible memory.

ANYWAY... I had a decent day. Actually it was pretty great :)

Even though I woke up in such a grouchy mood, I couldn't stand it. I still decided to make it better. My friend Cam and I hung out for like 3 hours and it was great. I helped him with this amazing photography project and we just hung out and stuff. I love him :) He's just a sweetheart and *sigh* I want to hang out with him all the time. He's so chill and so adorable and just a nice person to hang with. He deals with my craziness and silliness in a way that's just like "Hey, I think that's awesome. And you rock.." and I just want to yell out with a happy little yell.

He makes my life.

Besides him, there aren't so many people I can just be like that with. But gaaahh I don't know. I'm in a space right now that I would love to fall into a relationship but I don't know how/if I could handle one. I hate being so busy. And I hate the fact that there's three guys in my life right now. Let's see: Ricky, Cam and Jordan all of a sudden. I don't get it. And poor Daniel... He wants CL so badly he can't stand it. I'm so tired of drama. I want to be in a relationship. But not. I don't know. But as I actually fall asleep, I must meander. Good night friend.

A Spaceship into an unknown galaxy...

I need a cuddle buddy. Any takers?

I would love someone to watch movies with.

I desire someone who yells at me then I can yell back but seconds later can make me smile.

I require attention. No kidding, I think everyone knows that.

Let's see,

I talk to much and tell some people everything, even without meaning to.

I am aware I'm not ...conventional when it comes to looks.

I understand that my personality and over confidence are over bearing.

Is anyone willing to take that on?

I suppose that's who I'm waiting for; that person who doesn't give a shit about what others think and could stand being themself for a change. Instead of the person everyone else has convinced them to be. That would be great.

And I'm looking for challengers...

God, I make it sound like a fucking competition... Honestly, I'm not that scary. Even thought everyone seems to think I am.

I need a good laugh.. I nap on the floor with a friend with nothing to do... THAT would be most magical to me right now :)

Actually any time to hang out with anyone is much loved.

I got to hang out with my Audrey and introduce her to A Very Potter Musical and played dress-up and ate snacks and slid down the hallway...

I miss that.

Thank god I'm back. Thank god I have some time to just myself.

Don't get me wrong, I love people but it's rough sometimes when you feel like an island in the middle of a city... I tend to feel isolated in a huge group of people. I'd rather be with just one person, despite how many people I may know. I can't wait to find that person I Can just be with and not even worry about life... I'm kinda tired of being that one person people are used to seeing by themselves. After a while they feel you're self-sufficient too so you don't need that reassurance, that kind word, a touch, a pat, just that genuine smile or laugh people don't show anymore.

I'm the sort of person who needs that, and yes, I can see through that fake smile and thoroughly through that fake facade you put on that obviously you would like me to leave you alone. Well I can do that.

Where are all the people who love unconditionally others, yet themselves too?

Where are all the people who might just like you for your personality and not make life something like out of a stupid, audience aimed blockbuster?

Where have all the knights gone who had that compassion and trust that shined just as brightly as the sun?

Where are all the people, living for today?

I just want to find that person... and I feel like they're close by.

HOLY CRAP. life.

Good lord. It has been a looooonnnggg month can I just tell you. I haven't been able to hit the ground since I got to school. It's definitely a pain in the ass. BUT, I mean maybe it's Karma going "Haha Bitch! you were bored all summer and now you've got EVERYTHING! Suck on That!"

I mean it sort of feels that way, but honestly I have nothing to complain about... I'm happy (for the most part), healthy (basically), and in good standings... I'm just exhausted!

And it's not even my schedule really, it's just all of the emotional/mental shit that I'm putting myself through. There's so much that just won't get off my mind. Which makes it harder for Emily to get through the day.

Let's see... I'm sort of involved with someone? I don't know, right now I'm a little uneasy about it... I see bad things but then I just don't see to mind them? But I guess it's when you're jealous of other people that's when you know it's not very good. I don't know.

I see so many of my coupley friends and I think "I want that..." but then it seems to be hard to come by in my book. I don't understand. People seem to think that I'm not that kind of person who just wants someone to miss her, since everyone else needs someone to miss them.

Today, I got a backrub. I NEVER get backrubs. Brian Chavez is absolutely wonderful and I would do anything for someone who might think of me without me having to remind him... I just want to be thought of. And that's apparently too much to ask.

And what's funny is that I always want to think of other people.. I would love to just give you a backrub or hug you when you don't feel good, rush over because I'm worried about you, or just feel like messaging you when I suddenly think or am reminded of an old memory of you... I don't like asking for anything.

But sometimes you need to. Sometimes you need that one person in a day to just.. think of you.

I'm FUCKING tired of doing everything.

I'm tired of everything.

I'm tired of ...

complaining.

I hate complaining. I hate myself for thinking of myself and wanting to vent and wanting to be curious if anyone actually cares without freaking out about it and automatically try and fix whatever the hell it is that's wrong. I just want someone who can calmly listen and then give me a hug if they see fit and actually realize that yes, She's upset, she has issues but who doesn't? She's not going to listen if I tell her what to do. She's going to make sure that I'm okay first...

Because that's what I do.

Fuck my problems. They don't have any relevence, worth, or meaning.

But I know that's not true because that's me being selfish again... and I Still can't stand people who are so self-centered that they look at you, know something is wrong but say nothing about it, hoping it will go away. Then they continue telling you their problems. Because that's exactly what I want to hear right now...

Good fuckin lord. SERIOUSLY. I'm tired of people. There's only a couple of people who really understand what I'm getting on about. I could name them probably on one hand.

But not now.

They know who they are.

*sigh*

Is it wierd or wrong to feel alone when you are "with" someone?

I do. I don't know, I've found one of those kind of people who, honestly couldn't give a shit about other people but worries about it occaisionally. And thinks mainly of themself when they know someone is feeling like shit. I don't know if I can do this... I need someone who actually misses me when I'm gone... Or someone who... I don't know... Wants me? God dammnit it all.

I feel like such a fucking quitter it's incredible.

When I look at my friends with cute boyfriends I wonder, "what the FUCK must I be doing wrong??" and don't you DARE say "don't worry! :) someone will come your way..." Yeah, my Foot will be coming your way.. Damn...

But it's like okay, they seem to LOVE being around you, they play around and can make you smile. I must be doing something wrong. I know I am. Because I may get close to a guy and then suddenly realize either the worst or they realize there's greener pastures.

This routine is getting old.

I would love to be pleasantly surprised maybe... Maybe with someone who Actually Likes me. Someone who Could very possibly miss me? Someone who isn't afraid to just be normal and crazy and themselves. With me.

I just don't get it really...

And well that's my rant. Thanks.

Found my transporation these days: I'm Rollarcoastering to Boone.

Since about 3 weeks after summer started I've been depressed, I've been estatic, I've been way Up and I've been way down. Nowadays, I feel like I have no handle on my emotions. Some days I can't get up from the hatred of being at home and of my lacking schedule and I refuse to talk to anyone or do anything. Other days, I'm a bundle of energy raring to get out and go do something or invite half the neighborhood to hang out with me. I think my hormones are out of balence, obviously and I'm not entirely sure as to what to do about it.

So with Mom suggesting I don't come home for the summer next year and anti-depressants (yeah it got That Bad) and my friend having to break into my house thinking I was held up in my room, Summer hasn't been all that great. That is of course except my birthday party, the week that followed that and what I'm looking for to in a week (my BEST friend is coming from CA and then she and I are going Back to CA).

I'm honest to god, at a loss of words right now. I'm trying to think of what to say but I got nothin.

It's 2AM and Rachel Ray is on a re-run. She kind of annoys me. I'm surfing pictures on Facebook. It's now 2:15.

Alright I'm gonna think of facts to list because only maybes are swimming in my head.

1. I ramble.

2. My sleep schedule is fucked.

3. I have a crush on a guy named Mike.

4. I didn't expect it to happen.

5. Yet, Us together seems like a joke.

6. I hate being bored.

7. Procrastinating is my worst habit.

8. My dream is to be well-known, eventually.

9. I love my friends, but I hate people.

10. Rachel Ray is obnoxious.

11. I've craved popcorn for 4 days now.

12. Boone is calling me.

13. It refuses to leave a message.

14. I love tye dye shirts, husky malamutes and the smell of Bojangles french fries.

15. Legos are my favorite pastime. HANDS DOWN.

16. I'm a romantic more than you would ever know.

17. I've never skydived.

18. But I want to.

19. I miss the Pacific ocean.

20. I'm done with how I've been treating myself and the ones around me.

Alright. Those are all definites.

I need to kick it into gear because I officially have a month and a week until I go back to school (which is coming slow enough) and I need to finish things, start things and get myself back into working order. I think I've gained about 15 pounds since coming home so yeah, That needs to change. Also, my plan was to get my liscense. I also have to study and finish all my APO stuff.

Ugh, soooo much. BUT, I feel like I can do it. I feel like I'm gonna Have to get myself to do it.

I have to kick this fucking depression to the curb. I HAVE to. If I want to save my insane self, I NEED to. I don't have a choice.

Alright, it's 2:39AM, I need to get some sleep. Happy Saturday :)

As the day inches by... 19 draws closer.

Lately I've turned to my blog to let out my feelings... I've been feeling like life is great but then not so. It's not as great as it Could be. That's mostly my fault, no one else's. I hate when I vent to people because then they try and give me advice for whatever pissy mood I'm in and they should know better. I'm stubborn as hell and also Debbie-Downer when the time is right. So that never makes for a very good conversation.

So as I sit here waiting for my laundry to finish washing so I can switch it and go jump in the shower, I feel like a little writing. I truely need to get out of this funk. Oh and my birthday is coming up this Saturday... It just happens to fall on one of the busiest vacation weekends of the year. Mainly because everyone is out of school, summer sessions at college are generally finishing their first term and it's the weekend before 4th of July. Most of my friends are on trips, or have other plans so I tend to get a little sad I guess right before my birthday. It's actually incredibly pathetic because this happens every year. Usually for no reason, I mean this happens every year, I should be used to it right? But I need to stop bitching.

I really should get out there more. It's just hard without a car or rather a liscense. I'm still working on that... I'm trying to wait until I stop getting anxious when I just Think about getting behind the wheel of a car. I really need to get over it though. I feel like a dumbass because I'm terrified of driving. I'm fucking 19 for god sakes!! But oh well, whatever.

I just need to get through today, tommorrow and this it's my birthday :) Which I'm betting myself will inevitably be fun.

Something that I've actually figured will take up my time is this new project I'm planning on doing. From the day of my birthday I'm going to take a picture everyday of something that represents that day for everyday until my 20th birthday in 2011 :) Also for May, I was hoping on taking a roadtrip as soon as we get home from school. A long roadtrip to California... That's my goal. I have all of the logistics roughly planned out. Some of the other details will fall into place but I need to have a goal for next year. I NEED to. If I don't then I have nothing to work for.

Flippin through old pictures can getcha down...

Goddammnit Glee!!

Okay so I had been planning to spout off about the pity party I've been having for the last few days (or weeks rather) but then I'm folding laundry (Yes, I fold laundry at 3am get over it) and listening to my standby music choice, Glee covers. A song comes on that somewhat suits my attitude called "Alone" that was beautifully redone by Kristen Chenoweth. I start thinking about my vendetta I was going to pour into my entry tonight but then a particular line comes up that says "Alone.... Til now, I always got by on my own" and I start thinking... I did, I was perfectly fine. Til now. Then the next song comes on... "You can't always get what you want..." and I start thinking, "Really?? Glee?? Seriously and on Shuffle?" I decided I have the iTunes Shuffle of Fate. So I'm listening to that, putting it into perspective. Okay and maybe now isn't my time, but really FUCK, When has it ever been my time? Anyway, I continue to listen (I'm at T-shirts by the way).

Ahhh then "Keep Holding On" comes over my laptop's speakers. Yep, I have the absolute Mood Shuffle. "You're not alone, together we stand, I'll be by you're side- I'll take your hand..." Beautiful line, and it makes me think.

See I got into a fight with a friend about something stupid. She and I have been around and around about it. My drunk self apparently agrees with me anyway. But so this stupid fight was about a lot of things. Lately I've been down on myself because I've been lonely. I get depressed because in my life, my Long fucking years of 19, I've had one nearly-decent relationship. It ended wierdly and that's all I have to say about that. It's rough when you feel like no one loves you :D And I say that with a grain of salt and a slight air because I know my family loves me (Mom would interject: "it's because we Have to!" and then smile and laugh) but I know I have a few friends who do, who I know I can trust. But Love is different. To have a peer of some sort, like you more than the projected "friendship-value" is amazing. It's almost a miracle in a way. But see, I had that once. Somewhat briefly. And I have friends who have had one person for a couple of years. I have friends who's person Loves them so much that they have decided to marry. Or have kids. Now I digress, but I'm at a strange age and in a strange place so it's almost awkward when you find out someone you know is married and is pregnant. Or is thinking about getting married and really wants to start a family Now. Yes, I understand that that makes them happy, but still... 19?? or rather theres some at 18 and 17! I mean COME ON! You have no idea what life is going to dish out to you at 25 when you have 2 kids 4 and 6 Already. You've lost your childhood. At least that's what I think. I can hardly think of having ONE kid at this age. Because I TOTALLY want to shop in the Maternity section with my mom before I've even gotten Out of my TEENS. Yes, 19 is Still a Teenager. Once you hit 20, I'll leave you alone.

But whatever. I know it makes people happy, it just makes me sad, slightly confused and dare I say.... left out. I guess that's what I'm getting to. To have a friend that IS married with a kid, being their friend as a single teenager is awkward to me. I no longer feel I have all that much in common with them. I'm Plenty happy for them, and good luck to you Mommas to-be. But Ahhhh I can't want that! My plans are too big for that. I plan on changing the world somehow. I'm not sure how but I will. My passion is to do Something big... Or I will DIE trying.

See, but the thing about having married friends or rather Coupled-friends that didn't bother me really until I had really thought back, past my naievety and politeness, I have a lot of friends who are in couples. For all my single friends, they know Exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the "Third-wheel Syndrome" and yes, it's plagueing our nation. Some people in couples may know what I'm talking about. But see, I've had it just about MY ENTIRE LIFE. Even when I'm with family now too you know. Everyone has a husband, or a boyfriend or whatever. And if you are in a relationship now, you don't get a say. I'm sorry but not againest me. You have no idea of what I've gone through in my life.*

Shit!! I've got to stop this Fucking Pity Party!! It's not attractive in my book. Besides, I don't care, I'll be alone for a lot longer and then possibly fine some person I'd settle for. I mean that's how it goes. I feel like a damn hypocrite though. Because I want someone to love me but then I put down marrying someone and having a kid. Maybe I should wait til I'm 50 and ugly as shit. Then if someone wants to marry me, then I will Know it's for real. But I don't know. See, this is what happens if you sit in my head and listen to me argue with myself.

Lemme answer a few straight forward questions to clear my head:

Do I want a relationship? yes.

Do I want one so I can marry? no. HELL NO.

Do I want a kid? or 2? fuck that shit. I love kids but fuck no.

Do I want to get married eventually? Yeah sure. At some point.

Do I hate all friends who are in a couple? No. Jesus christ, no.

Do I feel awkard around couples? Yes. Occasionally.

Goddamn, I hate this fucking summer depression. It needs to speed up and get me to Boone. Noo Kidding.

*oh so I was saying...

let's see, S.A. in kindergarten, watched my parents fall out of love, abused by my cousins almost everyday, didn't have my first official kiss til my Senior year of high school, never had a boyfriend til college, he refused to do the act, I fucked around and did it in a stupid way, fucked around because I couldn't find love anywhere, I don't know... Poor self esteem seems to tell me that society says you need to Love to be a suitable member of life. It also says, that without it you aren't suitable in general. I mean it is true. The average teen has 4-5 relationships before graduating high school/college.

I guess I just feel left out or something along those lines. And yeah, it's depressing, but I'm not dying about it. I'm just sad. I'll get over it and move on with my life. It's what I do and now that I'm old enough to understand this ..emotion.. it's a fucking downer I'll tell you right now.

But again, OH WELL. I'll get over it and move on.

Thanks for listening.

Oh Just Don't Stop Believin' :)

So Yes, I have OFFICIALLY become a Glee Addict. I have every song that has been done by Glee and then some. It's sad. But I love it.

Anyway, this entry is dedicated to my uberly close friend Frankie.

The reason for this is because of my last entry. If you refer to my previous entry I had a scary encounter with reality. Just this evening, I believe Frankie got home today... But I had seen my phone in which I had 2 missed calls from her, and as I checked Facebook, I had a message from her almost yelling at me to call/text/skype etc. I had a feeling it was about that entry and I skyped her and all it was, was that she wanted to make sure I was okay. And that is what I call a close friend. She looks out for me, she knows she can come to me about anything and I know that I can go to her about anything too.

And yes Frankie, even if there are some things I keep to myself, I will find a way to tell you. Even if it is indirectly ;)

But honestly, I just want her to know how much I love her, no matter how many times I may tell her, I mean each and everyone of them. Also, I want her to stop worrying so much about Beege. She tends to worry, (even though it's what she's known for, hahaha!) but she'll worry so much for and about other people that it hurts her. I just want her to know how strong of a support system she has to lean on and to rely on. We are here for you Love bug :)

But also, one of the things I want to say is that I admire her. I admire her strength and her love and caring for other people. Not to mention I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.

She honestly Should Apply for sainthood.

But Frankie, I love you. And that list of things I love about you continues to grow. I can't wait to continue it at school this year. ♥

Life = Priceless

Wow today was ....interesting.

Today I was home. Like I have been. Doing... well.. basically nothing. Around 2pm, decided to clean the kitchen. Mom came home at 2:30pm. Finished dishes and broke into a meltdown at 2:45pm. Decided to tell Mom everything that I had been keeping from her about my life at college at 3:05pm.

So teenagers have this magnificent willpower to not tell their parents certain things about their lives such as their sex life, drugs they've done, friends, etc because they would rather deal with it themselves. Well that's all dandy for them but living with MY Mom and her and I being as Close as we are, you have Absolutely no idea how hard it is to not tell her certain things. She is, dare I say, my best friend. She's been there when I HAD no friends. She and I have been through everything. So I think that I was depressing myself and unwilling myself because I had Quite a few things on my mind.

So I sat down.. And decided to tell her that I wasn't a virgin anymore. Which I had been withholding because for some strange reason I was afraid she'd get upset. So now, after the last time I had "done it", I had been overthinking things (the way that I do) and yes, I'm going to be completely honest, I wasn't sure if I was pregnant or not. I Didn't WANT to be... I was ABSOLUTELY terrified that I could very well be. And I told my Momma. She then proceeded to... surprise me. She was absolutely calm, made a couple of jokes as my head spun and when I was done venting about my escapades at college, she calmly reminded me of when my doctor's appointment she had scheduled for the next day was at, and then said "Well then. I'm going to head to the store.. Wander around a bit... Oh right I need Seltzer water... aaaand... Oh I'll see something I know we need. Just so it doesn't look conspicuous." A smile came across her face, as my eyebrows came together in the look of absolute confusion on my face. "...Your getting me a pregnancy test?" I had figured. She came back with "Well we need to check now, and if you're pregnant, then we are figuring this out. Now I'll be right back."

That is one of the reasons why I love my crazy-ass Mom as much as I do. She didn't get upset at my stupidness, she just decided to nip it in the butt. And Oh, by the way? It was negative. Thank God.

But so last night, I talked to my best friend for gahhhh, probably like what, Erin? 2 hours? 3? I can't even remember and it was last night :)
I was having a mini panic attack and needed someone to listen, but not try and just spout off advice, I needed someone who wasn't going to inform me of their relationship and how great or on the rocks it was. I just needed someone to listen to my babbling and make polite sense of why my head is spinning around the thoughts it was. So I talked to Erin. She and I are basically two halves of the same person born literally a year and 4 days apart. She and I are pretty sure we belong together and we shall grow old together. No doubt about it.
Anyway, I had been sad. You have days like that, where you talk to someone and they've Just gotten into a relationship and Yay, you're happy for them but honestly couldn't give a shit. Or then someone you're talking to casually brings up their problems and 'Ohhh I just don't know if I can go on, I can't believe he broke up with me, I want to die' sort of shit. It's like Seriously? I just want to have a normal conversation without you bringing up YOUR personal life and how about I won't bring up mine? No I don't feel like giving you advice right now, because OBVIOUSLY you can't tell that I'm having a panic attack right now, and if you could PLEASE leave a message after the beep....

Beeeeeeeeeeeep.........

This had been my routine for the last month or so.
I think that my mind is somewhat clearer now, I think I'll be better. I have a few things to work on so hopefully, those will hold my interest. I still have yet to unpack from college... I almost Don't want to unpack and I don't have a clue as to why. Also, I'm going to be working on getting my license FINALLY (don't laugh :P) and I'm going to try and get more active. I think that re-prioritizing my life helps.

So also, the California trip is starting to materialize before my eyes. Mom booked us a house for 3 nights 4(?) days in Rio del Mar so we have a place to sleep!! Yayy!! And we have our plane tickets, and I can't wait to see everyone...
My goals before my flight out is:
-to have my license
-be as absolutely tan and beautiful as possible
-IF POSSIBLE: have a boyfriend or a ..fling :D haha
-Be unpacked from college but ready to go back in a moments notice

It's not a long list but it's absolutely doable.
This is Me baby, and I've come out from under that damn cloud. I'm searchin' for my sunshine :)

The emptiness in my mind/in life/in self Overcomes me....

My head is killing me, yet subsiding. My back aches, but it's diminishing. My mind goes blank but little hopes pop up in my head.

THIS is the life of a college student home from school, who can't sleep (it's 4:10am) and is absolutely exhausted.

So I need to get out of my house. I need something to do. Hah, I bet you remember me near the beginning of the year when I was (now a phrase coined from my best friend Erin) "fuckin' out" I was out of my fucking mind with so much to do. Since then, I'm bored like hell, a few of my friends here are flakes and it gets old. You can't be a flake unless you're busy in college. It just doesn't happen. I am so bored right now and I'm trying to make the best of it.

I did things today! I slept in til noon (check). I ate an obscene amount of cereal (check check). I helped my mom with her new planter bed in the late afternoon sun (check check check-check).

I briefly swam in a pool! (CHECKEROO!). And then? Nothing. Ate food and watched TV like I've "missed" for so long. Well TV can go fuck itself if you ask me. I'm so done with being home. I want to go camping. I want to go to the beach! I want to at least go on the lake! I mean for real. This is ridiculous. THAT is why I opted for coming home from school at the latest possible time and date. I didn't want to leave. I honestly like having that much freedom and free range and responsiblities and exercize if you ask me. Being home, I can hardly bring myself to unpack my stuff from school. It's taken me a month just to unpack my clothes. My shoes are still in their box. It's just getting to me.

I've talked to a few friends who actually feel the same way but remember that non-motivation right before finals? Well I have that for everything nowadays. I feel almost like it's punishing me in a way. I want to care but don't. I need to care but can't. Not really sure what my motivation for all of this is. I just can't wait to get back to school. I need school. I need my drive back. I need my freedom back. Maybe if I actually get my liscense this summer, I can regain some of my freedom and independance back. Beside of the fact that no one seems to realize my petrifying experiences driving cars, which left me absolutely terrified of them. It's pathetic I realize but it's true. Just thinking about driving down the interstate makes my heart beat rapidly. I don't know. It's just not an enjoyable experience for me.

So I talked to a friend of mine last night who just got me worked up about being home. It really is sad. All day today I've been like, "Let's go camping" or "Andrew, as soon as you get back you and I are going on one of the little islands and camping!" and I have decided that I want a kayak for my birthday! I actually love kayaking and I think it's alot of fun but I, to be completely honest, don't have any of the funds to even be close. OR a camera lens. See, I really wanted a Telephoto lens from my dad for my Nikon camera but got Reef flipflops instead. It's really okay, I mean, I wear those sandals everyday but I would've loved to see him pull through for once.

But ladies and gentlemen, I must leave you now since my eyes are beginning to decieve me and shut without alerting me first.

So I bid you Adieu.. and bon soir et j'aime tout le vous, mes amies! :)

<3

A friend by any other name...

Have you ever had one of those conversations with someone that reveals that they are exactly the person you were looking for?

How about re-met someone who turns out to be the absolute opposite of who you had made them out to be?

A friend’s friend of mine did that just this Thursday. He invited me out on an outing that was just gonna be an fun trip with a bunch of friends hanging out at Speed Street in Charlotte. I was going because I made been meaning to hang out with him because he’s my friend.

Alright Back-story:

I used to have a major crush on a boy from my school and had decided to throw him a surprise birthday and so me with the help of his best friend, Charley got a list of attendees together, figured it would be at my house, and bought our weight in cake and Mounttain Dew. So we contacted everyone including Anderson’s friend Andrew. He seemed incredibly nice over the phone and was curious to put a face to a voice.

So he showed up at my house, and as he walked up my driveway I sized him up. Over 6 foot, black hair, an old red hat, deep brown eyes. He seems cool enough. I still liked Anderson. But so we had the party, Brownie fell in love with him and followed him all over the house. Andrew became a fixture in my new friend group.

He and I kept up talking after that for a while and he asked if I wanted to go to Battle of the Bands with him, I mean what the heck, right? He’s a nice guy and we hung out there. Then so after that, he got invited to my grad/birthday party. That’s where he met my friend Ashley. They apparently hit it off and started to go out. I was incredibly happy that 2 of my friends were together and I thought it was great.

After that summer, I was whisked off to Appalachian where I got a text from Andrew telling me that him and Ashley broke up, and if he could come up to Boone. Over the year, he came up probably a total of 3 …or 4 times? Can’t remember. But my friends all became friends with him and I would occasionally get asked when he was coming back up. In the course of that year, I had been over to his house, he’d been to mine, I’d met his parents who loved me, he’s met my mom and Brownie who Both love him and have Both suggested we get together, and also we’ve slept in the same bed, held hands, gotten lost, shared stories, partied together, and head-banged at a concert together. He and I had been through a lot.

The last time he came up he brought Charley and Anderson and that weekend was pretty fun. Except for Anderson and me were the ones who sort of got together. That was not something I had expected. Him and I it turns out would be better just as friends I think. Not to mention, that was something Andrew and I talked about.

So let’s fast forward.

Andrew and I had been meaning to hang out for a while and we had meant to go see a movie or something and to honest, we didn’t know each other really well in slight of the fact that we had hung out a lot over the last year. So he invited me to Speed Street in Charlotte. It’s basically this giant free fair for adults (usually over the age of 21, damn being 19). There are several bands and a huge somewhat known final band at the end of the evening. We perused around the event and had a great time. Later on that night, we met up with a friend of his who actually happened to go to my old high school and he brought a few of his friends. We all hung out and when the concert was over, we started to leave the event and as they were going to walk further down into Charlotte, we decided to start on the journey home. He and I live on opposite sides of Lake Norman, so it would be a while til he would get home. But so halfway there, we concluded that we were starving from not eating anything the entire time we were at Speed Street, so we went to Cookout. Waiting for food to come out, we started chatting. We started talking about when Anderson had asked me to prom and how that was, and I told him the whole story about the night when he and Anderson had come up to Boone. He seemed surprised that Anderson had actually done that. But so after that, our conversation bug sparked and we talked about literally everything.

Now I think if you know me enough, I can’t be friends with you if we can’t have a decent conversation. I tend to overlook or ignore people who I can’t have an intelligent conversation with. It’s just not possible to be with someone like me. I think that was one of Austin’s and my pitfalls. He and I had never had a conversation longer than like 20 minutes. But so Andrew and I talked. About everything, a lot was mostly personal and I told him things I had actually never told to anyone. We confided in each other and it was such a fantastic evening, I long for another like it. But so we moved from the parking lot at Cookout to the empty parking lot in front of the Belk shopping center. We sat there in his car, under a streetlamp for 2 hours just talking and interrupting each other with another connection we had and with another thought to share with one another and another memory to say “oh my god, did you really??” to. We surprised each other and wanted to prove to the other person that we were different than our original perceptions that we had gathered. We also proved that we are both huge romantics and that’s one of the reasons neither of our past relationships had worked out in the past. We also talked about how we both want relationships but since he’s going off to college, he wants one that he can almost dispose off once he flies off in August. He and I are similar in that way. I would love to fall in love for the summer, just because I sort of miss being in a relationship because to be completely honest, I love Love. I love being with someone and being able to show them off because I love that feeling. I would love to have that while at home this summer.

But see him and I are also two different people, which is really nice. It’s refreshing to have a friend who’s comfortable being himself and is fun to be around. He’s going back to California for school to Cal Poly and I’m going back to Appalachian. I’m going to be Very sad because Andrew has become a really close friend and I love hanging out with him.

At this point I bet your asking, “Why don’t they just get together??” Well, the reasoning behind why we haven’t is because, …well actually I don’t know. It really never crossed my mind. The only thing that has though is that Anderson and I wouldn’t be good right now. Andrew is sweet though; I’d rather keep him as a friend I can tell anything to. I’d prefer that. And I would want to be there for him across the country if he needed me. I would hate the awkwardness there might be if he and I went out. Besides, he and I, I doubt, are even remotely attracted to each other. I mean he’s cute, he always has been, but we don’t really see one another in that way.

This past weekend we’ve been talking about our troubles of dating and relationships through texts off and on during the days. I had a revelation about wanting a summer love too. He said he just doesn’t want to look. I agree with him. I feel like one is right around the corner and he agreed. I don’t know. Eye Dee Kay. Ever since that conversation with Andrew, I’m beginning to see him as a really close friend and less as just someone I know, as I used to see him. I mean maybe him and I would get together and maybe we wont. Anything can happen this summer and I feel like that’s going to be my motto this year.

Now Personally I can’t wait to get to school because I have loads of friends going to Appalachian, including Ryan and Anderson and Allison! I’m so excited for next year. I can hardly even stand it. I’m sad though because Richard isn’t going to be at school, mainly because he was slacking in his classes. I actually plan on graduating from Appalachian and I will nothing to stop before I get to that.

"...what's up? You seem kinda quiet?"

I'm allowed to be quiet. Mainly because I like to think... I got asked that by my prom date last night. I don't know, sweetheart, maybe because I was expecting too much from you. Maybe because I need someone who's less wrapped up in themselves. Possibly because you are so focused that you can't even notice when a girl is interested in you. Who knows though.

Personally, I am glad I'm home for a particular reason in general. That reason is the late night chats that my mom and I have, typically before we go to sleep. I've missed those. Actually the reason as to why I had made this blog in the first place was because I felt like I needed someone to talk to.

Now to talk... I feel like I have so much on my mind that it might actually explode. I realize too that my issues on my brain aren't as crazy or to be honest, higher priority than most others, considering I have a friend getting brain surgery on Friday, another one is going off to somewhere like Africa or Nicaragua to do social work, and someone else becoming an ϋber famous supermodel in New York and Paris. I'm not jealous. I'm just tired of doing nothing. I want something, or somewhere or someone to be in my life. I want something to be of importance to me. I've lost a lot of motivation in the past few months. I'm not sure what all this is that I'm working for. I've been so lazy in my life that I feel the need to change that. I've already told one of my friends that I felt like I was getting left behind in a sense. I was on Facebook the other day (as are we all) and noticed a series of posts all in a similar category. One friend was pregnant, one getting ready to have her baby and another had had one. Two out of 3 were married, all were in a happy relationship. Today and last night was another one of those days. I went to prom, and surrounded by couples, I was put into a strange mindset. I couldn't even help that fact. They just all seemed so happy. I feel in a way like I'm missing out on something. I've been in one long-ish type of relationship and that was it. It wasn't even that great of a relationship to be honest. I felt like like in the end, he and I hardly knew eachother. And I find that sad. But still, it's hard when you hardly know what love is and yet you give so much of it to other people, not expecting anything in return.

My query is that, what does it feel like to have love reciprocated and you not worry it's going to end within a month? Is that trust? Is that bliss? I don't know because I have never truely known. I would LIKE to know without throwing myself into something and regretting it. Does love give you that feeling that is supposed to give your life meaning? I suppose that's the ever-to-be-answered question.

You see? This is what's been going through my head. Also what has been going through it has been things like: is it my personality that turns people off? am I just not the kind of girl someone could be in a relationship with?

Personally, I'm beginning to think those things of myself. Considering I'm almost nineteen and have had One serious boyfriend. Kinda.

Oh and hey Richard, I'm not suicidal, I'm just beginning to question my life and who I am... So if I get a concerned message from you, all you are getting from me is an "it's okay I'm fine". This is just my head, with a massive headache, a lack of altitude I presume and a long ass couple of days.

So if anyone has any tips for self-fullfillment or someone that they may want to introduce me to, Please let me know. I'd for sure appreciate it.

Mind melting.. Miss the sun... cant.. wait... for...summer.

Okay so let me get This off my chest. I CANNOT STAND when people Criticize the way that I think? Is that a stupid thing to be upset about? I just got "chewed out" by SOME CHICK who thinks she knows All about Musical theatre. It started with all the pleasantries and "hey you're so and so from this and that", "hi, yes that's me". Alright so she then tells me about a friend of mine that I had in mind for a musical a club I help head up is putting on. His name is Myles. The musical we are thinking of is RENT, which is a fantastic play might I add and requires deep character building I think. So Anyway.. This CHICK, then goes on to softly critcize my views on POSSIBLY viewing him as the role of Roger, who is a musician. Myles is in a band. Roger also has a particular attitude. Myles is a very laidback person with a funny disposition and a deep concentration and love for music. Roger also, yes, has a certain look IN THE MOVIE Might I Add. Myles is decently Rocker-esque. Yes. I UNDERSTAND all of that. So she goes ahead and says "Oh well you'd only be typecasting him as that role because he plays guitar and has that look." Oh jesus christ. How about you, Nameless Chick, Fuck off. I came back at her with "Well I personally like Myles' attitude in general and yes, he has that same sort of look, but I feel like he could Emotionally delve into the role. But again. This is in TWO YEARS." "But well you'd still be typecasting."

GOD! Bitch! I fucking hate people sometimes! It's like why do I have to explain myself to you? You know Nothing about the way I think and you're just being idiotic. I'm not having this conversation with you anymore. Fuck off. I mean Honestly! I've been in theatre since the 4th grade! I KNOW TYPECASTING. Sometimes you do it for effect, sometimes you don't need to and you find the perfect person in someone you would have never even thought of to begin with. So Back off me Bitch. What gives her the right to criticize the way I plan on doing my job? And it's not the fact that I don't take criticizm it's the fact that I don't like being talked Down to by someone who's Not Even In The Department. AND someone who's never even seen the show done LIVE. I mean come on. Who do you think you are Nameless Chick? Fuck off and mind your own goddamn business.

So other than that, the sun was here and now it's gone... It's about 5:20 pm and its Foggy out. UGH. I can't wait to just go and be able to sleep on my screen porch in the summer and just chill in the hot. Not to mention my brain is severely lacking that Final push towards the end of classes. I'm so unmotivated these days, all I wanna do is go and watch people on Duck pond field. Maybe play some frisbee. Talk to a cute guy maybe. Drink a smoothie and just hang out. I'm so tired of being cooped up in my dorm, I need to get out and re-evaluate my life, then pack all my shit up and move out. But hey at least I know that I will have someplace to stay next year! I'm so glad.. And maybe my roomate will be Caroline too! I'm excited. I'm so tired of living on an all girl floor, I'd personally rather live with all guys than all girls. If I'm in Justice next year I will be soooo glad.

Also I can't wait for next year, I have classes that actually somewhat interest me and a focus next year. Instead of my crazy-ass self running around doing god knows what, I'll Just be doing Theatre. I'm officially giving my body over to the department. This is something I've wanted to do since I started Theatre in high school. My Advanced Acting class was shit because people were lazy and didn't believe in working towards the goal. Here people are focused on their passion and are driven (kinda) to get things done. I'm just glad to be among people who are as passionate about it as I am. I guess that goes with doing professional theatre though because you Have to become obsessed with it to keep that same passion in doing something like this.

But right now I feel like slamming my head back againest this wall. I feel like this year needs to end Now, even though it's only still April. May needs to get it's ass over here ASAP. I'm tired of this waiting around shit. Right now, I feel like this knot in my stomach needs to get out and I need to take a deep breath... I've had so much on my mind lately, I haven't been sure what to do. I feel like I'm trying to do things for others and then I get accused of something and then I have to explain myself over and over again. Frankie for example, always accuses me of being whether it be me being "anti-social" or "mad/upset/sad" about something or "tired and needs sleep", but she always manages to take the content mood that I am in and sit on it. "No Frankie, I'm not mad or upset, sad or feeling anti-social. I was fine until you asked me. Now I'm just kind of annoyed. And I know that I annoy her too. I know that for a fact. I annoy Everyone. Or have pissed numerous people off without even meaning to. But with Frankie, I don't even know. Sometimes yes, I do just want to sleep because I don't get enough of it at night. Sometimes, I'm in a content mood and maybe that doesn't have "HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!!!" written all over my face, because that was me in high school. I've definitely grown-up during my first year of college. I think everyone does. I mean yes, I'll still have my happy go lucky demeanor occaisonally but personally, I don't feel like being THAT person ALL the time. What if I Want to be that laid back person? What if I FEEL like being quiet and just observing? What if I just want to chill out? I don't need a fuckin smile on my face to do those things. I'm just tired. I'm just mentally exhausted from everything in life. Not just school work, but all the relationships I'm trying to keep up with, friend-wise; all of the shit that manages to surface in the mean time.

I wanna kiss someone again... I would love a boyfriend or someone of that nature at some point again. I would love someone who I could tell all this to, instead of writing it all out in this stupid online journal. So much shit online will catch up with us. I like verbal for a reason. But I miss the physical interaction of someone close. But I don't know, I want more of a friend that I can just cry with if I need to. Someone who would come over at a moment's notice if I told them that I needed them. Why is it that I put so much effort into a friendship just to get so little back? I guess I'm just a nice person? I don't even know anymore. My mind has officially melted... So peace out.

SHIT. Shit shit shit shit shitshitshitshit...

I am tired of people thinking they are the center of the universe. It TRUELY pisses me off. I hate Myself whenever I let myself become that way. And when people mention that I seem to become the center, I kick myself silently. BUT, when other people are, it just pisses me off and makes me not want to listen to them anymore.

Hello there... Anyone care to listen?

It's definitely been a while... So I really apparently only feel the need to write when I'm overwhelmed. At least none of this shit is my own, handily enough. I'm caught in the middle of 3 friends. And I have no idea what to do. I'm really tired of saving face for someone I can't seem to illict a reaction from or a care (this someone who we used to be friends and i figured we were close but not really anymore because she's Incredibly self centered.)

My next friend I've known for what, 4 years? Something like that. He's a good guy but I don't think he realizes all that he's stirring up. And I care for him, really I do. But fuck it. I don't want to be mediator.

And the last one, someone I seriously just met, who's instilling her trust in me and wanting me to figure things out when I don't even know what the hell is going on.

I just want my life back, I miss my friends, and I want to be able to look my friends in the eyes and not think this way anymore.

and Yes, I'm probably being dramatic and I Know that. I just really don't know what to do and can someone tell me something reassuring?