"But I will hold on hope..."

This is my ocean.
This is the world around me now.

I used to be able to go and sit in front of the ocean and stare and wonder at its vastness and capability to do almost anything.
But I can't.
I found myself yearning for that big expanse of never-ending ocean. But today, my entire outlook has changed.

I had something happen to me, up there on top of that mountain.
It was a religious experience for me. Something that even I couldn't explain.
All I know is that while sitting there, gazing out across the hundreds of miles of mountains, I began to cry... I have fallen in love with the scenery here and the trees and the creatures and the mountains and lakes and rivers. It's amazing because I always considered myself an ocean girl, and maybe I still am. But just looking out across, nothing in my way, it was beautiful.

I've found myself letting go and being humbled by the mountains- by the shear size and majesty of them. I had begun to ache for the ebb and flow of the ocean, as I used to hear it even just outside my window. But sitting on the side of that mountain, with just the sun on my back, wind in my face and the grass tickling my feet- I can't even describe to you.


At the moment the rain is falling and making beautiful pattering sounds by my window.
I'm where I am supposed to be. And this is the first time I've felt that I completely and totally belong here. It's a magical feeling honestly...
Oh and thank god for Mumford and Sons. Perfect moment, Perfect feelings.

It only takes a gray day (or two) to make you realize

Holy Horoscopes Batman!
Ugh.. Fucking Horoscopes.
I look at them once maybe a year and well, they tend to randomly be spot on.
Goddamnit Universe I get it! I understand that it's a full moon, and that's why everything was being peculiar, but at least I can let my mind rest.

Today, I felt like shit. I'm not really sure as to why but I think it might be made worse by the fact that it's like 50 degrees in the house and gross outside.

So I guess not a lot is going on in my life right now... Waiting til camp starts, wanting Jordan to come back to Boone, enjoying having some time off and working periodically, loving being in an apartment that's in the middle of everything, missing my mom and family too, kind of sad not to have my own room but hey, so far that's the only thing.

AND my birthday is coming soon... I've got a month and 8 days until I turn 20 and I've officially been alive for 2 decades. It's weird to me, it's like my own personal goal. Turning 21 has sort of lost the spark for me, this year though has been ridiculous.
-Helped SM a mainstage
-Got into Alpha Psi Omega
-Gained a boyfriend/lost a boyfriend (and realized how much of a mistake that was)
-Discovered a past someone again :)
-Met a hell of a lot of new people and got to know them Better
-Met me a fantastic coupla roommates
-Discovered more of myself and made the right decision to branch out
-Fell in love with that past someone :)
-Got an apartment for the first time and am living on my own
-Will be a camp couselor!
-Cooked without Panicking (That's for you Mom!) :D
And so many things....

2010-11 has been a bumpy ride but it's turned out in the end to not have been so bad :)

Hello 4AM...

Fittingly enough it's 4:20.
I'm living on "Hippy Hill" at the moment and have done mary-jane more in this last two weeks than I have in a year... And I'm having the time of my life.

It's been a little while so let me recap:
School's out, exams are over. Allison and I found an freaking AWESOME kind-of shitty apartment on a place called "Hippy Hill" and we've officially hit summer running.

Jordan and I have been apart since before exams started and it's killing me on the inside not being with him. It's hard but I'm powering through.

I passed all my exams and made it through all of my classes with solid B's and I've already planned on being WAY better next semester, for the love of god.

I've been working and dealing with living on my own. And boy, damn it feels good. I may be just sort of scraping by but Holy shit, I'm learning a lot.

I've been tempted. I've looked where I shouldn't have looked. I try to excuse my actions and what happens is that my brain tells me no. And I realize that that is Really cryptic but that's all I'm saying here.

I'm struggling with myself but this is all in the process. My heart is beating fast and it tries to decide my actions but I'm teaching myself. I have to. I've got me and that's it.

I'm realizing how good it is to have friends. I'm trying to trust more and allow my heart to be opened more frequently but it's proving very difficult for me, on a personal level.


So ...and I've been struck speechless. So much is buzzing in my head that I don't want to say that I almost feel like I must say. But I won't because I am not doing that to myself. I already know that that isn't how my heart feels, it's just what it thinks it wants.
I can already tell that watching 3 hours of Merlin has changed my speech pattern ..a little.
I suppose that's what it will do to you. :)


ANYWAY:
so the apartment- it's awesome, it's quaint, it's precious.... I don't know. I love it. I also love that there is almost always a party going on upstairs. Ryan, one of the boys who lives upstairs, is absolutely fantastic. Putting aside that he does some illegitimate things, he has great hair, an amazing attitude, can ballroom dance, does art and is basically just awesome- I'm going to miss the crap outta him once the school year starts up. BUT I reckon that I'll be over there a lot. I guarantee it.

So Jordan messaged me today... Apparently he and his family got into a car accident just recently and his dad is in the hospital. He's fine and so is his mom but his dad had his hand caught underneath the car and will hopefully be alright soon.

Id prayed everyday that he is okay and in good health and spirits, but this is the 2nd time in a short period of time that he has been in a car accident. I want him with me. I want so badly just to be with him. I want to be there for him and I'm so incredibly tired of being 200 so-odd miles away from him.
I don't want to break it off because my guess, once I'm at summer camp, it'll basically be put into stasis and will start back up once I'm back for good.

But I want it to be now... The next month or so is going to be a long one.


And for now, my insomniacs... To bed I said.