Yeet or be yeeted

Hah. It’s 03:06 and it figures I’m here.

It’s also been something like 2 and a half years since my last post? Wild.
Well, I’m still here.

I came on here to look for pieces of my past and we’ll if I didn’t find them! What a whirlwind college was. Reducing life to bullet points and a summary. Well here’s some more:

Had a pretty standard existence, adulting and drinking too much and attempting to eat vegetables.
Met a girl at summer camp in the Catskills
My perfect lil house broke
Decided I wanted to marry her because I saw a familiar hurt behind her eyes that looked like mine
Got engaged to that girl and discovered that life was better than it always made itself out to me as
Went home to NC and succinctly sabotaged all of my independent relationships, without knowing
Left my job at CTC because my boss decided I wasn’t worth keeping
My landlord kicked us out because gentrification is a bitch
Up and moved to NY to be with my lady with almost no money
Went to Disney World for the trip of my dreams thanks to my lady’s mom
Trying to figure out who I am and it’s hard in a world that could care less


Well there ya have it.
I’m feeling the emotional weight of not feeling good enough, feeling screwed in the head by my mother who loved me and psychologically abused me to no end and attempting to stomp out the sexual shame that comes with succumbing to your natural self even if it’s been beaten into your skull that That Isn’t Exactly Right. Depression is a hell of a drug.

Luckily my lady takes it in stride, holds me until the sobbing stops, tries to make me laugh and ends up licking my teeth to get me to smile. Yeah, she’s pretty fucking great.
Either way, I’m still here and so are you. So let’s get down to brass tax.

What do you want?

August Idlings..

Well hello!

Welcome 3:45am crowd!

I'm streaming to you live from the comfort of my mega comfy bed in my new house in Charlotte! Gonna be real for a sec, this house is incredible. Like its out of my dreams, this house. Not to mention I'm living with quite literally the most incredible person I've ever had the fortune to get to know and love and be at peace with- yeah it's Sydney Jane. Bless her giant Scorp heart I adore this chick. But we just had a super pleasant evening with her grandmother and we made her dinner (well I made them dinner but they still contributed) and we watched the Great British Cook Off for hours because Baked Goods. Come on people, it's on Netflix.

So quick ol update of life (since as far back as I remember telling you all) as per usual:

Graduated from App with both degrees by the absolute skin of my teeth!
Worked at Horn as Props Master and literally had the worst summer to date, up there
Dated a guy online and it was ...ok
Downloaded Tindr and immediately regretted it
Got a MASSIVE mountain range tattoo on my back!
Moved to Eirelann! For three months, became an Au pair for the OBriens'
Sydney and Justin Nasoff started dating and it was cool
Went to Rome and fell in love with the city (and my waiter)
Flew back and surprised Syd for her graduation!
Christmas/New Years/ St Pattys not a lot to write home about
Randomly road tripped with Joe to Florida to rescue Amy
Then immediately went to NY on a whim
Lise turned 50 and I turned 25 (WHAT JESUS IM GETTING OLD)
Moved to Charlotte and moved in with Syd into a killer house!
Got hired at the Children's Theatre and later at the ImaginOn
Spent the summer not doing Summer Stock for the first time in 4 years
Got hired as the Wardrobe Supervisor at the Children's theatre!!
The NEW Harry Potter play script came out and there's a new Movie coming out soon!
The NEW Star Wars came out and it was AMAZING.

really though besides that lot, I don't know what to say. Currently single and ok with it, excited for what the future will hold. Ready for fall (because Summer's been brutal) and for paychecks to get a little more substantial. Other than all that, I'm okay. Tomorrow is 5 years from Mom's untimely departure. But I think I'm doing ok.

So over and out Rocketeers, you've all been marvelous.

The heart is a strange muscle.

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend last night.. We talked about how our species, humans have adapted to the demands of our environment. In our current generation, he and I agree that monogamy is a tradition of the past in which people are having a harder time trying to "keep" going along with. Cheaters have become pretty synagamous in 20-somethings relationships and casual sex is a day-to-day occurrence. It's not a good thing, but it's an adaptation. We've evolved, not necessarily for the better, but you can't deny the fact that we've changed as a generation. 

It's honestly made me think twice about getting married and settling down with one person. (As I watch Ross's wedding part 2, ironically enough) Ross having been married to a lesbian and divorced before 30, Rachel ran out on her fiancé ,

Ross married again- someone he didn't love only for it to end in tears again. This doesn't give me much hope for the future of our disgenerate young people. 

So I did a thing. 5am and it'll probably never happen again. But we're just friends through it. Platonic. Nothing meant by it. I don't know, but I've definitely come to think that I'm most likely poly-amorous. I just love people. And I love physical connections. Also, I love attention and being appreciated for who I am. Plus it was nice to not be judged for what I am. It was just a friendly exchange and that's what it'll be 

 

The Dubliners..

I'm in the process of getting ready to move to Dublin in the fall so I thought why not go ahead and have my commemorative piece be about there and how incredible it is? I've been inspired by the rainbow bright colors of downtown and by the iconic bridges, everyone knows and loves. 

Perspective.

Shampoo. 

Name brand shampoo. Expensive Neutrogena face wash. 

That's just the beginning of the innate jealousy. 

Demands pizza, grabs credit card from mom. 

Won't stop dropping hints about giraffe onesie for Christmas. Is almost mean about it, but is actually getting one. 

Maybe it's 15 but seriously, she makes my heart hurt. 

Austin Mahone concert tickets, Netflix just for her, Starbucks more frequently than I've ever gone. 

I never ever had it quite that good. 

I was never allowed brand name products. I never bought makeup. My Christmas presents felt deserved because I worked hard to make something for every person in my family at Christmas. I still do. 

Chloe has become so privileged and so full of ungratefulness that it almost makes me feel nauseous. 

I don't think she's ever gotten anything for anyone for Christmas and by her age I was making framed photo collages, buying griddles for my mom and filling her stocking with her favorite stuff. 

Ugh. I wish she would get a shakabuku. 

She makes me sad. 

And I hate that I'm jealous. I'm crazy jealous. I hate her for it. I want to shake her for being this way and for making excuses as to why she can't push the envelope. 

I love her but I detest her and all of her shallow desires. I need to talk to her. I want to and I want her to listen to me but I already know she won't. I know she'll get mad for me saying anything. So I won't. I can't. Things are neutral between us. I just.... I have to show her a little perspective. She needs to know the real meaning of Christmas. It's not about getting presents. It's not about getting what you want. It's about seeing people happy, at least in my opinion. Giving things to my friends and family to see a joy you can't get during the year is my purpose for christmas. I don't know. I know shes 15 but still being on your phone ignoring family, just leave the room for christsakes. 

But that's my rant for now. 

I am an outcast.

My brain doesn't work at all the way that everyone's seem to work.

It's disappointing and when I try to hang out with people who can't live life without quips, I feel as though I've grown past them. My mind is no longer in that realm of needing things to help me deal. Weed and alcohol and cigarettes are no longer what I need. People are no longer what I need. I would be much more suited to a life without "earthly pleasures". I feel as a monk might feel.

Welcome back, 1am.

Well I haven't written in forever.

And while I'm supposed to be "studying" for my Egyptian Art History class, why the hell not add an entry.

Well this school year is going by at the speed of fucking light. The last semester, I swear felt like a whole fucking year went by but in the blink of an eye. I guess 22 does that to you.

I'm about 4.5 months out of my 23rd birthday which is wild to me. I'm also half way through my 5th year at Appalachian. Still going strong on my Art major and Theatre progressions. Dated Derrick until about halfway through July and then that stopped. Haven't slept with anyone since then. I'm also pretty happy about the whole 'giant bed to myself' thing. Cuddling is overrated in my opinion.
I may also just be getting old.

Crazy update: so I found out that I live directly below a previous one-night-stand. His name is Jake and he cracks me the fuck up. I don't really know where I'm going with that and him so who knows.

I've decided to delve into spirituality lately. I've gotten my own set of Tarots, I read palms, I'm beginning to have a great collection of gems to help me keep my balance, and basically I'm just trying to figure out who exactly I am. It's been giving me incredibly insight to my psyche and to who I am as I person- especially since I met Laurel and Laura, Tanner and Conner. There's so much I could go into detail about them but I don't know if I could do that right now.


I've been thinking about my mom lately. It's been what, 2 and a half years since then? It's crazy how time works. I don't really know what to even talk about in this post I just felt like I needed to ramble for a minute. And I suppose study... UGH I hate studying. I just can't get behind the concept. I should've dropped this class. It's only irritating because I love the subject so much. Actually I was talking to Glenn about how if I could open my own school, it'd be awesome. I would have a quiz at the end of each class to see if you retained the information and the lecture time, wouldn't be a lecture... It'd be a conversation that everyone had to participate in. I feel that that is how people would learn. The act of being present in the moment of conversation and information; that's how people understand. It shouldn't be about busy work. It shouldn't be about humongous tests that are 3/4 of your final grade. It should be about understanding. Two hours of class, half hour of key terms to know and overall concepts, then an hour of conversation about the overall subjects- how you feel about them and then 15-20 minutes for a quiz about what we JUST talked about. That's how you register it in your memory; immediate application and recognition. And that's my spiel on that.


Oh you're asking about the one-night-stand guy? Well he's cool. I've only been debating having a conversation with him like.... all day. It's been on my mind so heavily that I've been having trouble thinking about anything else. It's pretty aggravating. I've got feelings for him in a weird way. I have a crush on him but that's like... it. I don't know, he's happy with this girl that our mutual friends set him up with, but Laura told me he's not into that girl. She says she doesn't lie to me so I'll just keep on believing her. But so anyway, his laugh makes whatever I'm doing worth it. I automatically want to be the best for him. I would love just to talk to him and pour our feelings out. I feel like there will come a time. But right now, something that I'm having a problem grasping, is not the time. Right now, he and I are very much "just friends through friends" but we're getting better. He and I have a very skewed friendship but it's completely dialed down when "she" is over. In complete honesty, I hope they last for a while. I like him happy because for a while he wasn't and if I could have any version of him it'd be this one where he's content in the majority of things.
But little things keep bothering me.
He keeps appearing in my dreams in strange ways.
I constantly wonder if he's thinking about me, what I'm doing or how he thinks of me.
I want to curl up and watch an obnoxious amount of movies with him.
I want to be settled up on his couch reading while he reads.

My life is a cruel goddamn cosmic joke. 
This whole situation that I'm in currently is a cruel joke.

I slept with him around like September 2012.
I moved into Apt 6 (from Apt2) in August 2013.
Met him (again) September of 2013.
Got crush on him October/November 2013.
He got girl January 2014.
Found out we slept together back in '12 February of 2014.
Been conflicted ever since.

I'm not sure where to go from here, but hey at least my apartment is paid for through August, I have a new roommate for next year who seems cool.. And Jake and I have the entirety of May to hang out and do whatever. May feels like it's going to be a BIG month. Anyone else feel that way? Who knows what will happen up here in Boone, god help us the zombie apocalypse happens then. Oh well. I guess we will see. May may may may may may may. May May may May MAY MAY. No clue what's happening there. Nothing major just feels busy.
 But let's remain in February for right now...

Upcoming excitement!
-Mary Kay thing rescheduled I think?
-Designing AYPT, got a few more weeks to go!
-Going to Fort Worth, Texas for USITT conference
-Going to New Smyrna, Florida for Spring break (Alternative Service Experience)
-Working at Horn in the West again this summer
-People I don't like are graduating!
-I will hopefully never have to take a language again after this semester!
-New tattoo idea is in the works, need to figure out how to pay for it!
-A whole MONTH of relaxation and nothing
-Allison will be living with me for the summer!!!
-Matt Hudak may be living with us also
-Summer needs to HURRY THE FUCK UP, YO.




Alright, time to smoke my last cigarette and get to work. Because hey, it's 15 til 2. And I need to make this test my bitch.
Peace out, blogosphere.