As the day inches by... 19 draws closer.

Lately I've turned to my blog to let out my feelings... I've been feeling like life is great but then not so. It's not as great as it Could be. That's mostly my fault, no one else's. I hate when I vent to people because then they try and give me advice for whatever pissy mood I'm in and they should know better. I'm stubborn as hell and also Debbie-Downer when the time is right. So that never makes for a very good conversation.

So as I sit here waiting for my laundry to finish washing so I can switch it and go jump in the shower, I feel like a little writing. I truely need to get out of this funk. Oh and my birthday is coming up this Saturday... It just happens to fall on one of the busiest vacation weekends of the year. Mainly because everyone is out of school, summer sessions at college are generally finishing their first term and it's the weekend before 4th of July. Most of my friends are on trips, or have other plans so I tend to get a little sad I guess right before my birthday. It's actually incredibly pathetic because this happens every year. Usually for no reason, I mean this happens every year, I should be used to it right? But I need to stop bitching.

I really should get out there more. It's just hard without a car or rather a liscense. I'm still working on that... I'm trying to wait until I stop getting anxious when I just Think about getting behind the wheel of a car. I really need to get over it though. I feel like a dumbass because I'm terrified of driving. I'm fucking 19 for god sakes!! But oh well, whatever.

I just need to get through today, tommorrow and this it's my birthday :) Which I'm betting myself will inevitably be fun.

Something that I've actually figured will take up my time is this new project I'm planning on doing. From the day of my birthday I'm going to take a picture everyday of something that represents that day for everyday until my 20th birthday in 2011 :) Also for May, I was hoping on taking a roadtrip as soon as we get home from school. A long roadtrip to California... That's my goal. I have all of the logistics roughly planned out. Some of the other details will fall into place but I need to have a goal for next year. I NEED to. If I don't then I have nothing to work for.

Flippin through old pictures can getcha down...

Goddammnit Glee!!

Okay so I had been planning to spout off about the pity party I've been having for the last few days (or weeks rather) but then I'm folding laundry (Yes, I fold laundry at 3am get over it) and listening to my standby music choice, Glee covers. A song comes on that somewhat suits my attitude called "Alone" that was beautifully redone by Kristen Chenoweth. I start thinking about my vendetta I was going to pour into my entry tonight but then a particular line comes up that says "Alone.... Til now, I always got by on my own" and I start thinking... I did, I was perfectly fine. Til now. Then the next song comes on... "You can't always get what you want..." and I start thinking, "Really?? Glee?? Seriously and on Shuffle?" I decided I have the iTunes Shuffle of Fate. So I'm listening to that, putting it into perspective. Okay and maybe now isn't my time, but really FUCK, When has it ever been my time? Anyway, I continue to listen (I'm at T-shirts by the way).

Ahhh then "Keep Holding On" comes over my laptop's speakers. Yep, I have the absolute Mood Shuffle. "You're not alone, together we stand, I'll be by you're side- I'll take your hand..." Beautiful line, and it makes me think.

See I got into a fight with a friend about something stupid. She and I have been around and around about it. My drunk self apparently agrees with me anyway. But so this stupid fight was about a lot of things. Lately I've been down on myself because I've been lonely. I get depressed because in my life, my Long fucking years of 19, I've had one nearly-decent relationship. It ended wierdly and that's all I have to say about that. It's rough when you feel like no one loves you :D And I say that with a grain of salt and a slight air because I know my family loves me (Mom would interject: "it's because we Have to!" and then smile and laugh) but I know I have a few friends who do, who I know I can trust. But Love is different. To have a peer of some sort, like you more than the projected "friendship-value" is amazing. It's almost a miracle in a way. But see, I had that once. Somewhat briefly. And I have friends who have had one person for a couple of years. I have friends who's person Loves them so much that they have decided to marry. Or have kids. Now I digress, but I'm at a strange age and in a strange place so it's almost awkward when you find out someone you know is married and is pregnant. Or is thinking about getting married and really wants to start a family Now. Yes, I understand that that makes them happy, but still... 19?? or rather theres some at 18 and 17! I mean COME ON! You have no idea what life is going to dish out to you at 25 when you have 2 kids 4 and 6 Already. You've lost your childhood. At least that's what I think. I can hardly think of having ONE kid at this age. Because I TOTALLY want to shop in the Maternity section with my mom before I've even gotten Out of my TEENS. Yes, 19 is Still a Teenager. Once you hit 20, I'll leave you alone.

But whatever. I know it makes people happy, it just makes me sad, slightly confused and dare I say.... left out. I guess that's what I'm getting to. To have a friend that IS married with a kid, being their friend as a single teenager is awkward to me. I no longer feel I have all that much in common with them. I'm Plenty happy for them, and good luck to you Mommas to-be. But Ahhhh I can't want that! My plans are too big for that. I plan on changing the world somehow. I'm not sure how but I will. My passion is to do Something big... Or I will DIE trying.

See, but the thing about having married friends or rather Coupled-friends that didn't bother me really until I had really thought back, past my naievety and politeness, I have a lot of friends who are in couples. For all my single friends, they know Exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the "Third-wheel Syndrome" and yes, it's plagueing our nation. Some people in couples may know what I'm talking about. But see, I've had it just about MY ENTIRE LIFE. Even when I'm with family now too you know. Everyone has a husband, or a boyfriend or whatever. And if you are in a relationship now, you don't get a say. I'm sorry but not againest me. You have no idea of what I've gone through in my life.*

Shit!! I've got to stop this Fucking Pity Party!! It's not attractive in my book. Besides, I don't care, I'll be alone for a lot longer and then possibly fine some person I'd settle for. I mean that's how it goes. I feel like a damn hypocrite though. Because I want someone to love me but then I put down marrying someone and having a kid. Maybe I should wait til I'm 50 and ugly as shit. Then if someone wants to marry me, then I will Know it's for real. But I don't know. See, this is what happens if you sit in my head and listen to me argue with myself.

Lemme answer a few straight forward questions to clear my head:

Do I want a relationship? yes.

Do I want one so I can marry? no. HELL NO.

Do I want a kid? or 2? fuck that shit. I love kids but fuck no.

Do I want to get married eventually? Yeah sure. At some point.

Do I hate all friends who are in a couple? No. Jesus christ, no.

Do I feel awkard around couples? Yes. Occasionally.

Goddamn, I hate this fucking summer depression. It needs to speed up and get me to Boone. Noo Kidding.

*oh so I was saying...

let's see, S.A. in kindergarten, watched my parents fall out of love, abused by my cousins almost everyday, didn't have my first official kiss til my Senior year of high school, never had a boyfriend til college, he refused to do the act, I fucked around and did it in a stupid way, fucked around because I couldn't find love anywhere, I don't know... Poor self esteem seems to tell me that society says you need to Love to be a suitable member of life. It also says, that without it you aren't suitable in general. I mean it is true. The average teen has 4-5 relationships before graduating high school/college.

I guess I just feel left out or something along those lines. And yeah, it's depressing, but I'm not dying about it. I'm just sad. I'll get over it and move on with my life. It's what I do and now that I'm old enough to understand this ..emotion.. it's a fucking downer I'll tell you right now.

But again, OH WELL. I'll get over it and move on.

Thanks for listening.

Oh Just Don't Stop Believin' :)

So Yes, I have OFFICIALLY become a Glee Addict. I have every song that has been done by Glee and then some. It's sad. But I love it.

Anyway, this entry is dedicated to my uberly close friend Frankie.

The reason for this is because of my last entry. If you refer to my previous entry I had a scary encounter with reality. Just this evening, I believe Frankie got home today... But I had seen my phone in which I had 2 missed calls from her, and as I checked Facebook, I had a message from her almost yelling at me to call/text/skype etc. I had a feeling it was about that entry and I skyped her and all it was, was that she wanted to make sure I was okay. And that is what I call a close friend. She looks out for me, she knows she can come to me about anything and I know that I can go to her about anything too.

And yes Frankie, even if there are some things I keep to myself, I will find a way to tell you. Even if it is indirectly ;)

But honestly, I just want her to know how much I love her, no matter how many times I may tell her, I mean each and everyone of them. Also, I want her to stop worrying so much about Beege. She tends to worry, (even though it's what she's known for, hahaha!) but she'll worry so much for and about other people that it hurts her. I just want her to know how strong of a support system she has to lean on and to rely on. We are here for you Love bug :)

But also, one of the things I want to say is that I admire her. I admire her strength and her love and caring for other people. Not to mention I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.

She honestly Should Apply for sainthood.

But Frankie, I love you. And that list of things I love about you continues to grow. I can't wait to continue it at school this year. ♥

Life = Priceless

Wow today was ....interesting.

Today I was home. Like I have been. Doing... well.. basically nothing. Around 2pm, decided to clean the kitchen. Mom came home at 2:30pm. Finished dishes and broke into a meltdown at 2:45pm. Decided to tell Mom everything that I had been keeping from her about my life at college at 3:05pm.

So teenagers have this magnificent willpower to not tell their parents certain things about their lives such as their sex life, drugs they've done, friends, etc because they would rather deal with it themselves. Well that's all dandy for them but living with MY Mom and her and I being as Close as we are, you have Absolutely no idea how hard it is to not tell her certain things. She is, dare I say, my best friend. She's been there when I HAD no friends. She and I have been through everything. So I think that I was depressing myself and unwilling myself because I had Quite a few things on my mind.

So I sat down.. And decided to tell her that I wasn't a virgin anymore. Which I had been withholding because for some strange reason I was afraid she'd get upset. So now, after the last time I had "done it", I had been overthinking things (the way that I do) and yes, I'm going to be completely honest, I wasn't sure if I was pregnant or not. I Didn't WANT to be... I was ABSOLUTELY terrified that I could very well be. And I told my Momma. She then proceeded to... surprise me. She was absolutely calm, made a couple of jokes as my head spun and when I was done venting about my escapades at college, she calmly reminded me of when my doctor's appointment she had scheduled for the next day was at, and then said "Well then. I'm going to head to the store.. Wander around a bit... Oh right I need Seltzer water... aaaand... Oh I'll see something I know we need. Just so it doesn't look conspicuous." A smile came across her face, as my eyebrows came together in the look of absolute confusion on my face. "...Your getting me a pregnancy test?" I had figured. She came back with "Well we need to check now, and if you're pregnant, then we are figuring this out. Now I'll be right back."

That is one of the reasons why I love my crazy-ass Mom as much as I do. She didn't get upset at my stupidness, she just decided to nip it in the butt. And Oh, by the way? It was negative. Thank God.

But so last night, I talked to my best friend for gahhhh, probably like what, Erin? 2 hours? 3? I can't even remember and it was last night :)
I was having a mini panic attack and needed someone to listen, but not try and just spout off advice, I needed someone who wasn't going to inform me of their relationship and how great or on the rocks it was. I just needed someone to listen to my babbling and make polite sense of why my head is spinning around the thoughts it was. So I talked to Erin. She and I are basically two halves of the same person born literally a year and 4 days apart. She and I are pretty sure we belong together and we shall grow old together. No doubt about it.
Anyway, I had been sad. You have days like that, where you talk to someone and they've Just gotten into a relationship and Yay, you're happy for them but honestly couldn't give a shit. Or then someone you're talking to casually brings up their problems and 'Ohhh I just don't know if I can go on, I can't believe he broke up with me, I want to die' sort of shit. It's like Seriously? I just want to have a normal conversation without you bringing up YOUR personal life and how about I won't bring up mine? No I don't feel like giving you advice right now, because OBVIOUSLY you can't tell that I'm having a panic attack right now, and if you could PLEASE leave a message after the beep....

Beeeeeeeeeeeep.........

This had been my routine for the last month or so.
I think that my mind is somewhat clearer now, I think I'll be better. I have a few things to work on so hopefully, those will hold my interest. I still have yet to unpack from college... I almost Don't want to unpack and I don't have a clue as to why. Also, I'm going to be working on getting my license FINALLY (don't laugh :P) and I'm going to try and get more active. I think that re-prioritizing my life helps.

So also, the California trip is starting to materialize before my eyes. Mom booked us a house for 3 nights 4(?) days in Rio del Mar so we have a place to sleep!! Yayy!! And we have our plane tickets, and I can't wait to see everyone...
My goals before my flight out is:
-to have my license
-be as absolutely tan and beautiful as possible
-IF POSSIBLE: have a boyfriend or a ..fling :D haha
-Be unpacked from college but ready to go back in a moments notice

It's not a long list but it's absolutely doable.
This is Me baby, and I've come out from under that damn cloud. I'm searchin' for my sunshine :)

The emptiness in my mind/in life/in self Overcomes me....

My head is killing me, yet subsiding. My back aches, but it's diminishing. My mind goes blank but little hopes pop up in my head.

THIS is the life of a college student home from school, who can't sleep (it's 4:10am) and is absolutely exhausted.

So I need to get out of my house. I need something to do. Hah, I bet you remember me near the beginning of the year when I was (now a phrase coined from my best friend Erin) "fuckin' out" I was out of my fucking mind with so much to do. Since then, I'm bored like hell, a few of my friends here are flakes and it gets old. You can't be a flake unless you're busy in college. It just doesn't happen. I am so bored right now and I'm trying to make the best of it.

I did things today! I slept in til noon (check). I ate an obscene amount of cereal (check check). I helped my mom with her new planter bed in the late afternoon sun (check check check-check).

I briefly swam in a pool! (CHECKEROO!). And then? Nothing. Ate food and watched TV like I've "missed" for so long. Well TV can go fuck itself if you ask me. I'm so done with being home. I want to go camping. I want to go to the beach! I want to at least go on the lake! I mean for real. This is ridiculous. THAT is why I opted for coming home from school at the latest possible time and date. I didn't want to leave. I honestly like having that much freedom and free range and responsiblities and exercize if you ask me. Being home, I can hardly bring myself to unpack my stuff from school. It's taken me a month just to unpack my clothes. My shoes are still in their box. It's just getting to me.

I've talked to a few friends who actually feel the same way but remember that non-motivation right before finals? Well I have that for everything nowadays. I feel almost like it's punishing me in a way. I want to care but don't. I need to care but can't. Not really sure what my motivation for all of this is. I just can't wait to get back to school. I need school. I need my drive back. I need my freedom back. Maybe if I actually get my liscense this summer, I can regain some of my freedom and independance back. Beside of the fact that no one seems to realize my petrifying experiences driving cars, which left me absolutely terrified of them. It's pathetic I realize but it's true. Just thinking about driving down the interstate makes my heart beat rapidly. I don't know. It's just not an enjoyable experience for me.

So I talked to a friend of mine last night who just got me worked up about being home. It really is sad. All day today I've been like, "Let's go camping" or "Andrew, as soon as you get back you and I are going on one of the little islands and camping!" and I have decided that I want a kayak for my birthday! I actually love kayaking and I think it's alot of fun but I, to be completely honest, don't have any of the funds to even be close. OR a camera lens. See, I really wanted a Telephoto lens from my dad for my Nikon camera but got Reef flipflops instead. It's really okay, I mean, I wear those sandals everyday but I would've loved to see him pull through for once.

But ladies and gentlemen, I must leave you now since my eyes are beginning to decieve me and shut without alerting me first.

So I bid you Adieu.. and bon soir et j'aime tout le vous, mes amies! :)

<3