You know it's amazing how fast I can sink my spirits and get myself into a bad mood.
I hate people and I always forget that until I start seeing how much I'm walked on.
I'm so tired of the bullshit.
Having nothing to do and feeling uncomfortable in my own place is unbearable.
Trying to make up my mind about who my real friends are makes my head want to explode.
Why do I do this to myself?
Where has all my humanity and free-spirited-ness gone?
WHY DO I HATE PEOPLE?? WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE A FRIEND AND NOT NEED A REASON TO HATE THEM?
I want this vicious circle to end.
Why can't the past come back in a good manner to me and not in hatefulness?
I'm exhausted. I just want to sleep and be among good company. I'm sick of forcing myself to be friends with people.
I want only happiness in my life but I have yet to find it.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
"Girls In Trucks"
It's 5:14 because I needed to finish my book. It's called "Girls in Trucks" by Katie Crouch and my dad had given it to me absentmindedly for my birthday about 5 years ago.
I started reading it about a week ago. 5 years later.
It's been sitting in books that I've been interested in reading but just haven't due to laziness, a momentary lapse in my love of reading (most likely stemmed from the fact that I read really slow and for some reason I've become way too impatient), but also I just haven't had the will to pick it up. I mean my DAD gave it to me. Most likely he saw it at a big-name-box store, let's call it FOX BOOKS (and I applaud anyone who gets the reference!!) and the book was just hangin' on the sale table, he picked it up with a vague thought of "Hmm... my daughter has a uniqueness about her and slightly rebellious side to her... Looks like this might be up her kind of feminist alley!" and then strolled to the register and bought it.
See what's funny is that right now instead of pouring my thoughts into my blog like a Penseive, I want so badly to start reading that book again; just to grab any little things I might've forgotten or glazed over.
Now I won't recap the story for you, but I'm only going to mention a few things. I unfortunately feel so incredibly tied to this story. The main character Sarah, is unlucky in life and the book gets so dismal after a bit, that I just want to stop and cry and maybe throw up from the ordeals she's put herself through. But she's obsessive of a past love and unhappy about what she finds and judgemental of something that could be perfect for her. She chases something from too long ago that she knew she could have but now that she wants it, she can't have it. She realizes that she's unlucky... And at 31 realizes that she had been since 14.
She has a group of friends, she slightly envies all of them in a way. Charlotte, the recovering heroin addict who's become rich and famous. Annie, who is living the life she wanted but couldn't have until the end. And then Bitsy, the one who got Everything she wanted, never needed to try for it until she was rewarded with her end, and failed her battle with cancer. (I don't care that I ruined it for you, you'll still need to read this book).
She also shows you her neurotic sister who's as Enviromentally-friendly as an earthworm, but about as loving as a sloth.
Not to mention, a good portion of the story takes place in Charleston.
A few other things to mention, she never ends up married, she has a little girl whom she names Jessie, her father passed away and she's part of the Cameillas, a very traditional Southern debutante society.
Anyway, the reason I'm talking about all this is the fact of how much I was reminded of my family in this past session of me reading.
A moment that made me cry and make me tear up right now is when Sarah left Jessie (her 4 year old) with her mom, while they're home in Charleston for her father's funeral. Sarah left and drove her father's truck around, eventually coming back with food that Jessie really likes (hushpuppies!) and the image of her up on the porch with 'Gramma', and she claps her hands and squeals and exclaims Ooohs! of joy while Gramma fills in with just as much enthusiasm just for Jessie.
For some reason that just makes me picture my Grandma... And as I cry about it right now, it makes me wish I had her with me now so I can hug her tight. I miss those days terribly.
The other moment in the book that made me cry (almost uncontrollably) is when Sarah's talking to an old friend from a long time ago about Jessie and her father etc. Sarah narrates "We chat about life...Me: Northern college, delusions of grandeur, pointless magazine work, bad relationships, constant questioning, one fabulous daughter."
When I read the last part of that line, I sobbed. I'll be honest with you. It came out of nowhere but I got flashes of my mom and whenever she talks about life. She almost always refers to me in that manner, and now I think is the moment when I've appreciated that. I love her more than life itself, even if she doesn't think that sometimes. But what came flooding back to me was all of the hardships we've gone through, emotional and physical. It's just.. well I guess that sentence of Katie Crouch's sums it up. I love my mom and I miss her everyday, and I never want to be apart from her.
God, I'm blubbering.
Not to mention this book being tied into the South, and with Mom and I moving here and acclimating to the culture and the social cues and the rules.
And somehow, after my stupid (almost)-post-adolescent journey to find myself and discover who I am is over, somehow things won't be as bad as they seem and things will just work out. At least I have to believe that in order to not drive myself crazy.
Hmm. I think that this might be a pretty decent step into 'adulthood' if you can even call it that.
Well thanks 20 years- let's start this year off with a bang.
I started reading it about a week ago. 5 years later.
It's been sitting in books that I've been interested in reading but just haven't due to laziness, a momentary lapse in my love of reading (most likely stemmed from the fact that I read really slow and for some reason I've become way too impatient), but also I just haven't had the will to pick it up. I mean my DAD gave it to me. Most likely he saw it at a big-name-box store, let's call it FOX BOOKS (and I applaud anyone who gets the reference!!) and the book was just hangin' on the sale table, he picked it up with a vague thought of "Hmm... my daughter has a uniqueness about her and slightly rebellious side to her... Looks like this might be up her kind of feminist alley!" and then strolled to the register and bought it.
See what's funny is that right now instead of pouring my thoughts into my blog like a Penseive, I want so badly to start reading that book again; just to grab any little things I might've forgotten or glazed over.
Now I won't recap the story for you, but I'm only going to mention a few things. I unfortunately feel so incredibly tied to this story. The main character Sarah, is unlucky in life and the book gets so dismal after a bit, that I just want to stop and cry and maybe throw up from the ordeals she's put herself through. But she's obsessive of a past love and unhappy about what she finds and judgemental of something that could be perfect for her. She chases something from too long ago that she knew she could have but now that she wants it, she can't have it. She realizes that she's unlucky... And at 31 realizes that she had been since 14.
She has a group of friends, she slightly envies all of them in a way. Charlotte, the recovering heroin addict who's become rich and famous. Annie, who is living the life she wanted but couldn't have until the end. And then Bitsy, the one who got Everything she wanted, never needed to try for it until she was rewarded with her end, and failed her battle with cancer. (I don't care that I ruined it for you, you'll still need to read this book).
She also shows you her neurotic sister who's as Enviromentally-friendly as an earthworm, but about as loving as a sloth.
Not to mention, a good portion of the story takes place in Charleston.
A few other things to mention, she never ends up married, she has a little girl whom she names Jessie, her father passed away and she's part of the Cameillas, a very traditional Southern debutante society.
Anyway, the reason I'm talking about all this is the fact of how much I was reminded of my family in this past session of me reading.
A moment that made me cry and make me tear up right now is when Sarah left Jessie (her 4 year old) with her mom, while they're home in Charleston for her father's funeral. Sarah left and drove her father's truck around, eventually coming back with food that Jessie really likes (hushpuppies!) and the image of her up on the porch with 'Gramma', and she claps her hands and squeals and exclaims Ooohs! of joy while Gramma fills in with just as much enthusiasm just for Jessie.
For some reason that just makes me picture my Grandma... And as I cry about it right now, it makes me wish I had her with me now so I can hug her tight. I miss those days terribly.
The other moment in the book that made me cry (almost uncontrollably) is when Sarah's talking to an old friend from a long time ago about Jessie and her father etc. Sarah narrates "We chat about life...Me: Northern college, delusions of grandeur, pointless magazine work, bad relationships, constant questioning, one fabulous daughter."
When I read the last part of that line, I sobbed. I'll be honest with you. It came out of nowhere but I got flashes of my mom and whenever she talks about life. She almost always refers to me in that manner, and now I think is the moment when I've appreciated that. I love her more than life itself, even if she doesn't think that sometimes. But what came flooding back to me was all of the hardships we've gone through, emotional and physical. It's just.. well I guess that sentence of Katie Crouch's sums it up. I love my mom and I miss her everyday, and I never want to be apart from her.
God, I'm blubbering.
Not to mention this book being tied into the South, and with Mom and I moving here and acclimating to the culture and the social cues and the rules.
And somehow, after my stupid (almost)-post-adolescent journey to find myself and discover who I am is over, somehow things won't be as bad as they seem and things will just work out. At least I have to believe that in order to not drive myself crazy.
Hmm. I think that this might be a pretty decent step into 'adulthood' if you can even call it that.
Well thanks 20 years- let's start this year off with a bang.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Hide this Face, Hide those Feelings.
I think the emotions from the last few weeks have caught up to me...
I've been running around being as crazy as possible and enjoying (just about) every second of it.
But right now, emotionally I think I might have hit a wall. I told myself that I would focus on myself and my emotions for a minute and take stock of everything that has happened.
The only thing is that I've fallen into sort of a trance, a lull.. I mean I feel like depression sort of feels like this too.
I've managed to raise myself out of it a little so that I'm not just being a bitch to everyone. I was reading HP7 (trying to finish it before the movie in 2 weeks) and then it started to rain a little. But the sun was shining as it is now. I stopped reading, put my book inside momentarily and sat back outside amongst the raindrops. I looked up at the sun and the clouds full of rain and they were beautiful. I then decided to think over everything that I was thankful for, in the long run or just at that moment in particular.
My list was pretty extensive and once I realized this, I felt a little better. The rain started to come down a little more frequent now and every time a drop would hit my foot, I thought of a person I knew whether or not we had a friendship, a love, a shared connection, an argument, a passing look..whatever.
It's impressive how far of a slump I had gotten myself into.
I thought of a friend who this had happened to also. At least I call him a friend, I'm not sure whether he considers me one of those but honestly I don't care anymore. He should know that I care about him no matter how much he tries to convince himself that he isn't worth it. Yeah I might just be "a cool chick" to him but seriously, I doubt he knows what I would do for him. My guess is that he could care less... Which to me is sad when he claims that he has hardly any friends that he can say that about.
Even now, that I think about him, I can imagine saying "Oh no, I know I have that sort of friends..." but then once he's upset about one of them being an ass to him, he seems to feel like none of his friends fully care for him. That just makes me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and yell "Do you not see who's right in front of you!?"
That's the thing with me. I don't take friends lightly. I would do anything that was within my ability for them.
It's just sad that people have been warped and jaded by so many that they can't see when the real thing is in front of them.
And right now, I'm trying to place some form of trust or friendship or something in that one and he brushes me off like a falling dried up leaf, cascading in the autumn wind.
I'm tempted just to walk like I always do, but I'm tired of walking away. I'm tired of feeling so alone after placing trust in someone but they don't quite feel that same sort of trust, and then they leave.
I'm tired of this feeling.
I'm only looking for someone I can believe in, someone I can hug or (even dare I say kiss) and feel that connection between us flow back to me effortlessly. I can't say I've ever felt that before, without either of us getting in the way.
People apparently take this sort of connection further than I intend though. I'm looking for it in friendship. I'm not looking for a dating relationship because I'm too messed up and not cut out for that right now.
But I'm looking for a relationship of- ...a close kind. Someone who would be there, up for anything, and ready to be ..themselves.
But I'm guessing that's too intense for a lot of people. It's unfortunate, but I guess this girl here will just have to keep searching...
I've been running around being as crazy as possible and enjoying (just about) every second of it.
But right now, emotionally I think I might have hit a wall. I told myself that I would focus on myself and my emotions for a minute and take stock of everything that has happened.
The only thing is that I've fallen into sort of a trance, a lull.. I mean I feel like depression sort of feels like this too.
I've managed to raise myself out of it a little so that I'm not just being a bitch to everyone. I was reading HP7 (trying to finish it before the movie in 2 weeks) and then it started to rain a little. But the sun was shining as it is now. I stopped reading, put my book inside momentarily and sat back outside amongst the raindrops. I looked up at the sun and the clouds full of rain and they were beautiful. I then decided to think over everything that I was thankful for, in the long run or just at that moment in particular.
My list was pretty extensive and once I realized this, I felt a little better. The rain started to come down a little more frequent now and every time a drop would hit my foot, I thought of a person I knew whether or not we had a friendship, a love, a shared connection, an argument, a passing look..whatever.
It's impressive how far of a slump I had gotten myself into.
I thought of a friend who this had happened to also. At least I call him a friend, I'm not sure whether he considers me one of those but honestly I don't care anymore. He should know that I care about him no matter how much he tries to convince himself that he isn't worth it. Yeah I might just be "a cool chick" to him but seriously, I doubt he knows what I would do for him. My guess is that he could care less... Which to me is sad when he claims that he has hardly any friends that he can say that about.
Even now, that I think about him, I can imagine saying "Oh no, I know I have that sort of friends..." but then once he's upset about one of them being an ass to him, he seems to feel like none of his friends fully care for him. That just makes me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and yell "Do you not see who's right in front of you!?"
That's the thing with me. I don't take friends lightly. I would do anything that was within my ability for them.
It's just sad that people have been warped and jaded by so many that they can't see when the real thing is in front of them.
And right now, I'm trying to place some form of trust or friendship or something in that one and he brushes me off like a falling dried up leaf, cascading in the autumn wind.
I'm tempted just to walk like I always do, but I'm tired of walking away. I'm tired of feeling so alone after placing trust in someone but they don't quite feel that same sort of trust, and then they leave.
I'm tired of this feeling.
I'm only looking for someone I can believe in, someone I can hug or (even dare I say kiss) and feel that connection between us flow back to me effortlessly. I can't say I've ever felt that before, without either of us getting in the way.
People apparently take this sort of connection further than I intend though. I'm looking for it in friendship. I'm not looking for a dating relationship because I'm too messed up and not cut out for that right now.
But I'm looking for a relationship of- ...a close kind. Someone who would be there, up for anything, and ready to be ..themselves.
But I'm guessing that's too intense for a lot of people. It's unfortunate, but I guess this girl here will just have to keep searching...
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