I think the emotions from the last few weeks have caught up to me...
I've been running around being as crazy as possible and enjoying (just about) every second of it.
But right now, emotionally I think I might have hit a wall. I told myself that I would focus on myself and my emotions for a minute and take stock of everything that has happened.
The only thing is that I've fallen into sort of a trance, a lull.. I mean I feel like depression sort of feels like this too.
I've managed to raise myself out of it a little so that I'm not just being a bitch to everyone. I was reading HP7 (trying to finish it before the movie in 2 weeks) and then it started to rain a little. But the sun was shining as it is now. I stopped reading, put my book inside momentarily and sat back outside amongst the raindrops. I looked up at the sun and the clouds full of rain and they were beautiful. I then decided to think over everything that I was thankful for, in the long run or just at that moment in particular.
My list was pretty extensive and once I realized this, I felt a little better. The rain started to come down a little more frequent now and every time a drop would hit my foot, I thought of a person I knew whether or not we had a friendship, a love, a shared connection, an argument, a passing look..whatever.
It's impressive how far of a slump I had gotten myself into.
I thought of a friend who this had happened to also. At least I call him a friend, I'm not sure whether he considers me one of those but honestly I don't care anymore. He should know that I care about him no matter how much he tries to convince himself that he isn't worth it. Yeah I might just be "a cool chick" to him but seriously, I doubt he knows what I would do for him. My guess is that he could care less... Which to me is sad when he claims that he has hardly any friends that he can say that about.
Even now, that I think about him, I can imagine saying "Oh no, I know I have that sort of friends..." but then once he's upset about one of them being an ass to him, he seems to feel like none of his friends fully care for him. That just makes me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and yell "Do you not see who's right in front of you!?"
That's the thing with me. I don't take friends lightly. I would do anything that was within my ability for them.
It's just sad that people have been warped and jaded by so many that they can't see when the real thing is in front of them.
And right now, I'm trying to place some form of trust or friendship or something in that one and he brushes me off like a falling dried up leaf, cascading in the autumn wind.
I'm tempted just to walk like I always do, but I'm tired of walking away. I'm tired of feeling so alone after placing trust in someone but they don't quite feel that same sort of trust, and then they leave.
I'm tired of this feeling.
I'm only looking for someone I can believe in, someone I can hug or (even dare I say kiss) and feel that connection between us flow back to me effortlessly. I can't say I've ever felt that before, without either of us getting in the way.
People apparently take this sort of connection further than I intend though. I'm looking for it in friendship. I'm not looking for a dating relationship because I'm too messed up and not cut out for that right now.
But I'm looking for a relationship of- ...a close kind. Someone who would be there, up for anything, and ready to be ..themselves.
But I'm guessing that's too intense for a lot of people. It's unfortunate, but I guess this girl here will just have to keep searching...
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