AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN AT THIS GODDAMN MINUTE???
I feel like all of a sudden there's many 5 people I know that AREN'T having kids. Or getting married. Or getting engaged.
FUCK. THAT.
Ruining the sanctity of marriage MY ASS. I know that in the next 10 years several of them will get divorced... Several are going to end up with 3 or more kids and then get tired of their significant other and cheat on the other... Or blow their head off because they're tired of the mediocrity of their life and they can't find a reason to keep living.
I. CAN'T. LET. THAT. HAPPEN. TO. ME.
I need to be bigger than that. And I don't need someone dragging me down wanting to... buy a house and settle down.
I don't want to settle.
I want to exceed! And if no one can fully appreciate that, then who needs them.
This has been an angry message brought to you by Emily.
But jesus, I think I need to go do some friend downsizing... *GAHHH*
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Fiery Female looking for Perfect Partner....
Don't you hate it when a movie sets unrealistic bars for men in our society?
You want that hunky musician who adores you and can't Not turn you down, even though life's complicated and you have a laugh like a hyena...
I love and hate "Because I Said So".
I hate how much it makes me giggle and root for the obvious great guy who even has a kid and a live in parent who also happens to be single? Jesus, who writes this shit.
PLUS it doesn't help that the guy is GORGEOUS. Sure he plays the electric guitar and has a tattoo on the back of his hand and can't Not wear a fedora because it ONLY enhances his absolute dare I say it..... beautiful-ness! GAHH I want a man like him in my life.
Sometimes I think "well maybe I'll just be a lesbian... maybe that's just want life hasn't shown me yet..." but then I watch a movie like this (and can I just add how GREAT of a cast it is?? JESUS) and I see this guy who has opinions and has actual feelings *not just about making the woman happy, might I add, but about the relationship in general* and fuck, I'm going to end up alone.
The moment in the movie where Milly is frustrated and then Johnny says to stop apologizing and then draws a heart on her hand (GAHHHH) and she talks about how he can calm her down.. Then he says how she talks in circles yet makes absolute perfect sense? I'm so jealous because I can't even begin to tell you how much that somewhat sounds like me. If you've read my blog before, I typically write stream of consciousness and in circles, typically forgetting what I'm talking about halfway through but I have yet to meet anyone that can follow/keep up with me.
Mom always said it's okay, don't worry that person will come to you and it'll be great and everything will be exactly the way you want it to be.
Well I'm starting to get tired of looking. I mean I'm about 21 and have yet to have a truly solid relationship. So many of my friends are getting married or are having babies, I feel like I should be in that frame of mind, even if Mom had me when she was 29. I don't know.... I would love to feel adored. I would love TO adore someone. I always feel that congested feeling when I'm with someone though. I always suddenly feel like I have another bag to carry that's weighing me down. Maybe that's what I'm scared of in the end though. Maybe I'm scared that I'm just going to hate married life and having kids because I can't be wild and free. I don't know. I would love someone to share things with though. It was enough having Mom and I because in a way we were like sisters. We only had each other, but now that I'm alone and fending for myself with my emotions and thoughts and have very few people I can hurdle them at without horrific repercussions, I'm kinda sad.
This moment I'm not really though. I'm actually for the first time in a long time not wishing for something else. Not wanting something a bit more. I don't feel the need for anything right now... I'm perfectly content in everything and I realize that I'm so incredibly lucky for everything I've got. I've got Becka and her fantastic flat here in Southport which is directly in the middle of anywhere and everywhere I've wanted to go basically. Not to mention that she and I get along famously and I've got a relatively painless trip to Dublin planned that I'm pretty ecstatic to go on. Even if I'm by myself, I'm sure I'll be fine. I make friends pretty easily.
I'm ready to begin the next step of this adventure... And no, I'm not talking about Dublin..
I guess let's see what's out there for me :)
You want that hunky musician who adores you and can't Not turn you down, even though life's complicated and you have a laugh like a hyena...
I love and hate "Because I Said So".
I hate how much it makes me giggle and root for the obvious great guy who even has a kid and a live in parent who also happens to be single? Jesus, who writes this shit.
PLUS it doesn't help that the guy is GORGEOUS. Sure he plays the electric guitar and has a tattoo on the back of his hand and can't Not wear a fedora because it ONLY enhances his absolute dare I say it..... beautiful-ness! GAHH I want a man like him in my life.
Sometimes I think "well maybe I'll just be a lesbian... maybe that's just want life hasn't shown me yet..." but then I watch a movie like this (and can I just add how GREAT of a cast it is?? JESUS) and I see this guy who has opinions and has actual feelings *not just about making the woman happy, might I add, but about the relationship in general* and fuck, I'm going to end up alone.
The moment in the movie where Milly is frustrated and then Johnny says to stop apologizing and then draws a heart on her hand (GAHHHH) and she talks about how he can calm her down.. Then he says how she talks in circles yet makes absolute perfect sense? I'm so jealous because I can't even begin to tell you how much that somewhat sounds like me. If you've read my blog before, I typically write stream of consciousness and in circles, typically forgetting what I'm talking about halfway through but I have yet to meet anyone that can follow/keep up with me.
Mom always said it's okay, don't worry that person will come to you and it'll be great and everything will be exactly the way you want it to be.
Well I'm starting to get tired of looking. I mean I'm about 21 and have yet to have a truly solid relationship. So many of my friends are getting married or are having babies, I feel like I should be in that frame of mind, even if Mom had me when she was 29. I don't know.... I would love to feel adored. I would love TO adore someone. I always feel that congested feeling when I'm with someone though. I always suddenly feel like I have another bag to carry that's weighing me down. Maybe that's what I'm scared of in the end though. Maybe I'm scared that I'm just going to hate married life and having kids because I can't be wild and free. I don't know. I would love someone to share things with though. It was enough having Mom and I because in a way we were like sisters. We only had each other, but now that I'm alone and fending for myself with my emotions and thoughts and have very few people I can hurdle them at without horrific repercussions, I'm kinda sad.
This moment I'm not really though. I'm actually for the first time in a long time not wishing for something else. Not wanting something a bit more. I don't feel the need for anything right now... I'm perfectly content in everything and I realize that I'm so incredibly lucky for everything I've got. I've got Becka and her fantastic flat here in Southport which is directly in the middle of anywhere and everywhere I've wanted to go basically. Not to mention that she and I get along famously and I've got a relatively painless trip to Dublin planned that I'm pretty ecstatic to go on. Even if I'm by myself, I'm sure I'll be fine. I make friends pretty easily.
I'm ready to begin the next step of this adventure... And no, I'm not talking about Dublin..
I guess let's see what's out there for me :)
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Darkness meets Sunlight.
It's been a while since my last post...
I find myself sitting in Erin's flat here in London, waiting for her to wake up...
Let's recap the recent past shall we?
Flew and met my group in London over a month ago.. (wow it's been a month already??)
Travelled to Bath, York, Stratford, Paris and back to London.
Spoke to my aunt and was told that Mom's medical bills have been settled with no debt remaining and money still somewhat in our pockets.
Saw Erin and Big Ben and realized that friendships are built for hardships, so that we can survive them together.
Saw Queen Elizabeth II and the royal family in the Diamond Jubilee.
The scholarship I was awarded is finally officially getting processed.
Financial Aid has awarded me over $10,000 in grants so I might go to school, debt free this year.
Decided to travel alone to Liverpool and Dublin...
I must say, it's been interesting. The school trip was ...stressful and full of unwarranted issues and emotions but honest to god, I wouldn't trade that entire experience for anything.
Not to mention, right now I find myself on the day before Mom's 50th birthday. She's going to be scattered over the Thames river here in London, with my best friend at my side.
This has been an intense year I must say....
I recapped with Erin and all the emotions welled up. I've traveled near and far to try and escape what I had been denying to myself; that the person I cared for the most died and left me here.
Before I could kill someone while being locked up at school in Boone, I promised Allison we'd go to New York for New Years. Then I promised my aunt in CA that I'd visit her for spring break. Then I made sure Allison got the senior summer trip she needed and went to Oak Island for the weekend. Then I promised Mom that I'd go to Europe for her and for me.
Maren loved London and had promised me so many times she'd bring me one day and we'd share a few drinks and tour the cities... She always spoke fondly of Bath and London and Dublin, so I took it upon myself and decided that I needed to go.
And well here I am, gearing up for the next half of my adventure. Prepping myself for Dublin and Liverpool and Amsterdam and in 3 weeks or about 20 days I'll be back in the States getting ready to celebrate my 21st birthday.
And next year's checklist is getting there too:
Find an apartment I'm happy with- Check.
Sign up for classes that I'm alright with- Check.
Finish my art portfolio- Check.
Finalize financial aid- CHECK!
Things always get brighter when the darkness seems to overcome.
Maybe my time to shine is coming closer... Just you wait and see :)
I find myself sitting in Erin's flat here in London, waiting for her to wake up...
Let's recap the recent past shall we?
Flew and met my group in London over a month ago.. (wow it's been a month already??)
Travelled to Bath, York, Stratford, Paris and back to London.
Spoke to my aunt and was told that Mom's medical bills have been settled with no debt remaining and money still somewhat in our pockets.
Saw Erin and Big Ben and realized that friendships are built for hardships, so that we can survive them together.
Saw Queen Elizabeth II and the royal family in the Diamond Jubilee.
The scholarship I was awarded is finally officially getting processed.
Financial Aid has awarded me over $10,000 in grants so I might go to school, debt free this year.
Decided to travel alone to Liverpool and Dublin...
I must say, it's been interesting. The school trip was ...stressful and full of unwarranted issues and emotions but honest to god, I wouldn't trade that entire experience for anything.
Not to mention, right now I find myself on the day before Mom's 50th birthday. She's going to be scattered over the Thames river here in London, with my best friend at my side.
This has been an intense year I must say....
I recapped with Erin and all the emotions welled up. I've traveled near and far to try and escape what I had been denying to myself; that the person I cared for the most died and left me here.
Before I could kill someone while being locked up at school in Boone, I promised Allison we'd go to New York for New Years. Then I promised my aunt in CA that I'd visit her for spring break. Then I made sure Allison got the senior summer trip she needed and went to Oak Island for the weekend. Then I promised Mom that I'd go to Europe for her and for me.
Maren loved London and had promised me so many times she'd bring me one day and we'd share a few drinks and tour the cities... She always spoke fondly of Bath and London and Dublin, so I took it upon myself and decided that I needed to go.
And well here I am, gearing up for the next half of my adventure. Prepping myself for Dublin and Liverpool and Amsterdam and in 3 weeks or about 20 days I'll be back in the States getting ready to celebrate my 21st birthday.
And next year's checklist is getting there too:
Find an apartment I'm happy with- Check.
Sign up for classes that I'm alright with- Check.
Finish my art portfolio- Check.
Finalize financial aid- CHECK!
Things always get brighter when the darkness seems to overcome.
Maybe my time to shine is coming closer... Just you wait and see :)
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