The mind is all a blunder

My Life as my Head Allows:

Things are falling into place
I found a likely apartment and Allison might be living with me for the summer
Camp is looking likely
But Options are available if camp doesn't work
Friends are here and open and smiling
Words are flowing better
Feelings are becoming more apparent
Opportunities are available for me
I'm discovering things about my life
I've fallen head over heels for Arizona Ice Tea
I passed my lifeguarding certification and my CPR training with flying colors
My old hometown was horrifically flooded
A friend of mine is getting married and she's my age
I'm kind of in love with the Daffodils around campus and my dream is to find a bouquet of them waiting for me somewhere...
Masks and making things with my hands is what I love
Recycling everything
Music everything
New friends bond easily, old friends bond seamlessly
Things are looking up
Finally

Looking for sunlight
Hearts beat through love tonight
I look for that someone
Who hopefully understands.
The head holds strong in confidence
While The Heart begs an audience.
Love's complicated I guess...

Just a little something...

I found this and it reminded me of what I need to concentrate on in life.

This is exactly what I need to think about.

So let me figure this out...
Happiness to me:
-Singing loudly in the car and dancing with Cat, Erin, and Andrew
-Jordan's dimples :)
-Summer rains at the lake with Chelsie, Senior year
-Just a smiley from Jordan while I'm at work :)
-Finding that picture-strip from the boardwalk with my girls
-When he told me that he couldn't tell I wasn't wearing makeup
-That moment of silence when I stumped a teacher ;D
-Getting 3 postcards from my traveling family, a card and check to make sure I can get home, a handmade card from my baby cousin, my paycheck and a package from my mommy filled with love and things I forgot at home
-Finding out I'm getting a great tan already
-Putting on a new pair of Reefs in the sunlight
-Holding Kelsey when she's upset but then telling her an inside joke making her giggle and smile :)
-Being held by Allison, with her calming me down reminding me to take one step at a time.

I just have to think about my happiness.

Lifeguard Training: Take 1

Okay.
My entire body hurts, my brain hurts and I don't really know what to do about that.
Honestly, and I won't lie to you, I don't really think I'm cut out to be a lifeguard. It might be because I'm kinda overweight so I struggle sometimes to keep up with other people but I don't know. I'm just so fucking tired right now. I can't find the strength to even put my laundry away or tell this one person that I can't talk at the moment. I'm just... drained. And I feel as if I did just about every one of the skills wrong. And the class only lasts til Sunday. We meet on Friday and Sunday and we have 3 tests that if we don't pass, we have to take the ENTIRE class again. And I honestly am like, "You've GOT to be joking right now."

This week has sucked majorly. It's been such a damn rollercoaster that I don't even know what to do with myself.
My mom just told me we aren't going to the Olympics so I could basically go on a study abroad trip which will be awesome. But ITS THE OLYMPICS. SERIOUSLY. not fair.
I can't seem to figure out housing for the summer, since honestly, I can't go back to Mooresville for the summer. I don't feel like it's where I belong.... (Now if only I could find a way to get my entire family up here!)
Jordan isn't sure about what he's doing either and got into a wreck and just a whooooole mess of shit.
I have to choose between Audra's wedding and a camp I would have so much fun at...
Most of my friends figure that I overstretch myself so much and that I'm so busy, they just drop me and I love both sets but I'm not really completely happy with either.

I hate having to choose. It makes me want to cry because nothing can work out where it's great for everyone! It's not fair!!!!!!!!!!!! I Hate This!!!
(PLEASE just let me have this hissy fit and let me BE!)
I don't want to be an adult, I don't want to have to choose between a friend and an experience, I don't want to have to choose between my mom and a trip of a lifetime and something that might be kinda cool until I get my hopes up about it. I don't want Jordan to be sad, and frustrated about his life and school. I DON'T WANT A TWITTER OR A TUMBLER. I JUST WANT TO LIVE AND NOT WORRY!!!!!!!!!
I'm so tired of all this. I just want a break. I want a mental break. Something that will not make me explode all over everyone. I just want to sit and cry for a little bit. I want to stop aching to leave the world and live on a mountaintop.

No I don't remember who you are.
No I can't seem to grasp this concept you're showing me.
No I don't want to believe that all my friends slowly forget me.
No I am not feeling okay.
No that won't work because somehow, after I fucked up my life and didn't get a license, I've become a freeloader and that just doesn't sit well with me.
No I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO GRADE ME ON HOW FUNNY I AM.
No I can't remember the last time I talked to you.
No I'm not kidding about wanting to cry, I am Just that tired.
No I really am terrified about life and I can't seem to figure anything out on my own.
Yes, I do need help. No really, I do.

Whoever gives two shits, my mind is about to explode, someone please... A hug maybe. A suggestion. Possibly a little light on what my mind can't decide.


I feel like I have a tumor blocking every signal from my decision making and memory sides of the brain. I don't get this.

Closure.

It will be a year to the day, since we broke up. Tomorrow is my one month anniversary with Jordan. I find that sort of comforting honestly. In a strange way, it's closure for me I guess. I saw him walking away and thought, "ha, it's been a year and I'm perfectly happy."

I guess the reason why this has been such a big thing with me over the last year is because ...(as I physically hesitate and stare at the computer screen) ...because I don't like hurting people. I hurt him and myself, and people retaliated and friends were lost in the shuffle. Hate was thrown, people were put down it was not what I wanted... But it's over, and has been for a year and suddenly a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it's nice. I'm done and I'm through with it all.

Tomorrow, will be the day that Jordan and I have been together for a month officially. He's different than anyone that I know and I hope that he and I will see a lot together. I'm a nice feeling to know that someone has your back when you need it, but is willing to give you space at the same time. It's nice to have that person there, even if some how you've convinced yourself you don't need it. You really do every now and again.

Even on this gray day, there's something to smile about :)

Damn it Neil Gaiman!

I found this quote and had no idea where to put it... I didn't want to put it on Facebook, thus someone getting the wrong idea of me. But I do actually believe this. It's saddening to me but I'm in a place right now that I'm almost scared of being vulnerable. I'm scared of opening myself up to someone just for them to get tired of me and say "you know, I don't think this is going to work..." followed by that characteristic long pause of dis-belief from me. But see I've spent a long time trying to fix my heart from what has happened in the past and god, I'm scared now. I'm absolutely terrified and what I tend to do is over-think, over-analyze, over-judge my situation with that person. I'm not doubting everything, but I'm just scared.
Wow, that's the word I've been searching for.
I hadn't been able to think of what it was I was feeling...
I want so badly just to innocently throw myself into this relationship. I want to absentmindedly trust and be that person he wants. But thanks to the cogs and screws in my mind, I feel I haven't been feeling that. I have to remind myself that he's there. He's the one who smiles at me... I'm the one he smiles at....
But could I even be that lucky?
I'm that girl? Or is this just some day-dream that's strangling my heart into believing he's looking at me?
Is it as simple as "Just trust it!" or is it as unsettling as "Well, if you hold them too close, they will go away..."

My brain and heart need to seriously have a chat.

Thanks for the confusion Neil.

[What is Really on your mind?]

I'm changing.
I, myself as a person, am changing.

This whole feeling is hard but it's interesting to watch at the same time. I think I noticed it today when I pulled out an art project that I'm working on. I was actually really proud of it, unlike any of the "art" I've done before.
Also, I set out to get stuff done, and even if it did take me all day, I have it done. Mainly laundry was what it was too. Since Spring Break is zooming up fast, I needed to get it done. All FOUR Massive Loads of it, goddamn. But it's interesting, I texted Jordan a few times throughout the day; we had mentioned hanging out. But I ended up not getting a response but I was teaching myself not to fixate on it. He has his life and I have mine. I did miss him though because it was an absolutely beautiful day and reminded me of a particular day he and I spent together during Homecoming week. Beautiful days like today's always tend to remind me of him...

But on another note....
I think I'm becoming more thoughtful of what I'm doing. I was trying so hard to not screw up and mess something up or seriously forget something. But I've had to realize that whatever it is, isn't the end of the world. Nothing ever is. I'd rather live my life happy and full of new realizations of things I've come to know, rather than monotonously in the same routine, hating everything about what I'm doing. Why do you think I'm a Theatre major? Because it's ever-changing. Always evolving. And that inspires me.

I've decided to get a grip and become.. well ultimately a better person. I feel I need to. I need to work on the mental side of things since I think it's sort of a well known fact that I'm a skitzo.
But I feel a change coming... This peace is kind of nice as it washes over you in the midst of a good song. Bombadil, Mumford and Sons, Kurt Vile, Matt & Kim, Simon and Garfunkel, and The Temper Trap are my soundtrack to these sort of days...