Lifeguard Training: Take 1

Okay.
My entire body hurts, my brain hurts and I don't really know what to do about that.
Honestly, and I won't lie to you, I don't really think I'm cut out to be a lifeguard. It might be because I'm kinda overweight so I struggle sometimes to keep up with other people but I don't know. I'm just so fucking tired right now. I can't find the strength to even put my laundry away or tell this one person that I can't talk at the moment. I'm just... drained. And I feel as if I did just about every one of the skills wrong. And the class only lasts til Sunday. We meet on Friday and Sunday and we have 3 tests that if we don't pass, we have to take the ENTIRE class again. And I honestly am like, "You've GOT to be joking right now."

This week has sucked majorly. It's been such a damn rollercoaster that I don't even know what to do with myself.
My mom just told me we aren't going to the Olympics so I could basically go on a study abroad trip which will be awesome. But ITS THE OLYMPICS. SERIOUSLY. not fair.
I can't seem to figure out housing for the summer, since honestly, I can't go back to Mooresville for the summer. I don't feel like it's where I belong.... (Now if only I could find a way to get my entire family up here!)
Jordan isn't sure about what he's doing either and got into a wreck and just a whooooole mess of shit.
I have to choose between Audra's wedding and a camp I would have so much fun at...
Most of my friends figure that I overstretch myself so much and that I'm so busy, they just drop me and I love both sets but I'm not really completely happy with either.

I hate having to choose. It makes me want to cry because nothing can work out where it's great for everyone! It's not fair!!!!!!!!!!!! I Hate This!!!
(PLEASE just let me have this hissy fit and let me BE!)
I don't want to be an adult, I don't want to have to choose between a friend and an experience, I don't want to have to choose between my mom and a trip of a lifetime and something that might be kinda cool until I get my hopes up about it. I don't want Jordan to be sad, and frustrated about his life and school. I DON'T WANT A TWITTER OR A TUMBLER. I JUST WANT TO LIVE AND NOT WORRY!!!!!!!!!
I'm so tired of all this. I just want a break. I want a mental break. Something that will not make me explode all over everyone. I just want to sit and cry for a little bit. I want to stop aching to leave the world and live on a mountaintop.

No I don't remember who you are.
No I can't seem to grasp this concept you're showing me.
No I don't want to believe that all my friends slowly forget me.
No I am not feeling okay.
No that won't work because somehow, after I fucked up my life and didn't get a license, I've become a freeloader and that just doesn't sit well with me.
No I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO GRADE ME ON HOW FUNNY I AM.
No I can't remember the last time I talked to you.
No I'm not kidding about wanting to cry, I am Just that tired.
No I really am terrified about life and I can't seem to figure anything out on my own.
Yes, I do need help. No really, I do.

Whoever gives two shits, my mind is about to explode, someone please... A hug maybe. A suggestion. Possibly a little light on what my mind can't decide.


I feel like I have a tumor blocking every signal from my decision making and memory sides of the brain. I don't get this.