Perspective.

Shampoo. 

Name brand shampoo. Expensive Neutrogena face wash. 

That's just the beginning of the innate jealousy. 

Demands pizza, grabs credit card from mom. 

Won't stop dropping hints about giraffe onesie for Christmas. Is almost mean about it, but is actually getting one. 

Maybe it's 15 but seriously, she makes my heart hurt. 

Austin Mahone concert tickets, Netflix just for her, Starbucks more frequently than I've ever gone. 

I never ever had it quite that good. 

I was never allowed brand name products. I never bought makeup. My Christmas presents felt deserved because I worked hard to make something for every person in my family at Christmas. I still do. 

Chloe has become so privileged and so full of ungratefulness that it almost makes me feel nauseous. 

I don't think she's ever gotten anything for anyone for Christmas and by her age I was making framed photo collages, buying griddles for my mom and filling her stocking with her favorite stuff. 

Ugh. I wish she would get a shakabuku. 

She makes me sad. 

And I hate that I'm jealous. I'm crazy jealous. I hate her for it. I want to shake her for being this way and for making excuses as to why she can't push the envelope. 

I love her but I detest her and all of her shallow desires. I need to talk to her. I want to and I want her to listen to me but I already know she won't. I know she'll get mad for me saying anything. So I won't. I can't. Things are neutral between us. I just.... I have to show her a little perspective. She needs to know the real meaning of Christmas. It's not about getting presents. It's not about getting what you want. It's about seeing people happy, at least in my opinion. Giving things to my friends and family to see a joy you can't get during the year is my purpose for christmas. I don't know. I know shes 15 but still being on your phone ignoring family, just leave the room for christsakes. 

But that's my rant for now. 

I am an outcast.

My brain doesn't work at all the way that everyone's seem to work.

It's disappointing and when I try to hang out with people who can't live life without quips, I feel as though I've grown past them. My mind is no longer in that realm of needing things to help me deal. Weed and alcohol and cigarettes are no longer what I need. People are no longer what I need. I would be much more suited to a life without "earthly pleasures". I feel as a monk might feel.

Welcome back, 1am.

Well I haven't written in forever.

And while I'm supposed to be "studying" for my Egyptian Art History class, why the hell not add an entry.

Well this school year is going by at the speed of fucking light. The last semester, I swear felt like a whole fucking year went by but in the blink of an eye. I guess 22 does that to you.

I'm about 4.5 months out of my 23rd birthday which is wild to me. I'm also half way through my 5th year at Appalachian. Still going strong on my Art major and Theatre progressions. Dated Derrick until about halfway through July and then that stopped. Haven't slept with anyone since then. I'm also pretty happy about the whole 'giant bed to myself' thing. Cuddling is overrated in my opinion.
I may also just be getting old.

Crazy update: so I found out that I live directly below a previous one-night-stand. His name is Jake and he cracks me the fuck up. I don't really know where I'm going with that and him so who knows.

I've decided to delve into spirituality lately. I've gotten my own set of Tarots, I read palms, I'm beginning to have a great collection of gems to help me keep my balance, and basically I'm just trying to figure out who exactly I am. It's been giving me incredibly insight to my psyche and to who I am as I person- especially since I met Laurel and Laura, Tanner and Conner. There's so much I could go into detail about them but I don't know if I could do that right now.


I've been thinking about my mom lately. It's been what, 2 and a half years since then? It's crazy how time works. I don't really know what to even talk about in this post I just felt like I needed to ramble for a minute. And I suppose study... UGH I hate studying. I just can't get behind the concept. I should've dropped this class. It's only irritating because I love the subject so much. Actually I was talking to Glenn about how if I could open my own school, it'd be awesome. I would have a quiz at the end of each class to see if you retained the information and the lecture time, wouldn't be a lecture... It'd be a conversation that everyone had to participate in. I feel that that is how people would learn. The act of being present in the moment of conversation and information; that's how people understand. It shouldn't be about busy work. It shouldn't be about humongous tests that are 3/4 of your final grade. It should be about understanding. Two hours of class, half hour of key terms to know and overall concepts, then an hour of conversation about the overall subjects- how you feel about them and then 15-20 minutes for a quiz about what we JUST talked about. That's how you register it in your memory; immediate application and recognition. And that's my spiel on that.


Oh you're asking about the one-night-stand guy? Well he's cool. I've only been debating having a conversation with him like.... all day. It's been on my mind so heavily that I've been having trouble thinking about anything else. It's pretty aggravating. I've got feelings for him in a weird way. I have a crush on him but that's like... it. I don't know, he's happy with this girl that our mutual friends set him up with, but Laura told me he's not into that girl. She says she doesn't lie to me so I'll just keep on believing her. But so anyway, his laugh makes whatever I'm doing worth it. I automatically want to be the best for him. I would love just to talk to him and pour our feelings out. I feel like there will come a time. But right now, something that I'm having a problem grasping, is not the time. Right now, he and I are very much "just friends through friends" but we're getting better. He and I have a very skewed friendship but it's completely dialed down when "she" is over. In complete honesty, I hope they last for a while. I like him happy because for a while he wasn't and if I could have any version of him it'd be this one where he's content in the majority of things.
But little things keep bothering me.
He keeps appearing in my dreams in strange ways.
I constantly wonder if he's thinking about me, what I'm doing or how he thinks of me.
I want to curl up and watch an obnoxious amount of movies with him.
I want to be settled up on his couch reading while he reads.

My life is a cruel goddamn cosmic joke. 
This whole situation that I'm in currently is a cruel joke.

I slept with him around like September 2012.
I moved into Apt 6 (from Apt2) in August 2013.
Met him (again) September of 2013.
Got crush on him October/November 2013.
He got girl January 2014.
Found out we slept together back in '12 February of 2014.
Been conflicted ever since.

I'm not sure where to go from here, but hey at least my apartment is paid for through August, I have a new roommate for next year who seems cool.. And Jake and I have the entirety of May to hang out and do whatever. May feels like it's going to be a BIG month. Anyone else feel that way? Who knows what will happen up here in Boone, god help us the zombie apocalypse happens then. Oh well. I guess we will see. May may may may may may may. May May may May MAY MAY. No clue what's happening there. Nothing major just feels busy.
 But let's remain in February for right now...

Upcoming excitement!
-Mary Kay thing rescheduled I think?
-Designing AYPT, got a few more weeks to go!
-Going to Fort Worth, Texas for USITT conference
-Going to New Smyrna, Florida for Spring break (Alternative Service Experience)
-Working at Horn in the West again this summer
-People I don't like are graduating!
-I will hopefully never have to take a language again after this semester!
-New tattoo idea is in the works, need to figure out how to pay for it!
-A whole MONTH of relaxation and nothing
-Allison will be living with me for the summer!!!
-Matt Hudak may be living with us also
-Summer needs to HURRY THE FUCK UP, YO.




Alright, time to smoke my last cigarette and get to work. Because hey, it's 15 til 2. And I need to make this test my bitch.
Peace out, blogosphere.