A friend by any other name...

Have you ever had one of those conversations with someone that reveals that they are exactly the person you were looking for?

How about re-met someone who turns out to be the absolute opposite of who you had made them out to be?

A friend’s friend of mine did that just this Thursday. He invited me out on an outing that was just gonna be an fun trip with a bunch of friends hanging out at Speed Street in Charlotte. I was going because I made been meaning to hang out with him because he’s my friend.

Alright Back-story:

I used to have a major crush on a boy from my school and had decided to throw him a surprise birthday and so me with the help of his best friend, Charley got a list of attendees together, figured it would be at my house, and bought our weight in cake and Mounttain Dew. So we contacted everyone including Anderson’s friend Andrew. He seemed incredibly nice over the phone and was curious to put a face to a voice.

So he showed up at my house, and as he walked up my driveway I sized him up. Over 6 foot, black hair, an old red hat, deep brown eyes. He seems cool enough. I still liked Anderson. But so we had the party, Brownie fell in love with him and followed him all over the house. Andrew became a fixture in my new friend group.

He and I kept up talking after that for a while and he asked if I wanted to go to Battle of the Bands with him, I mean what the heck, right? He’s a nice guy and we hung out there. Then so after that, he got invited to my grad/birthday party. That’s where he met my friend Ashley. They apparently hit it off and started to go out. I was incredibly happy that 2 of my friends were together and I thought it was great.

After that summer, I was whisked off to Appalachian where I got a text from Andrew telling me that him and Ashley broke up, and if he could come up to Boone. Over the year, he came up probably a total of 3 …or 4 times? Can’t remember. But my friends all became friends with him and I would occasionally get asked when he was coming back up. In the course of that year, I had been over to his house, he’d been to mine, I’d met his parents who loved me, he’s met my mom and Brownie who Both love him and have Both suggested we get together, and also we’ve slept in the same bed, held hands, gotten lost, shared stories, partied together, and head-banged at a concert together. He and I had been through a lot.

The last time he came up he brought Charley and Anderson and that weekend was pretty fun. Except for Anderson and me were the ones who sort of got together. That was not something I had expected. Him and I it turns out would be better just as friends I think. Not to mention, that was something Andrew and I talked about.

So let’s fast forward.

Andrew and I had been meaning to hang out for a while and we had meant to go see a movie or something and to honest, we didn’t know each other really well in slight of the fact that we had hung out a lot over the last year. So he invited me to Speed Street in Charlotte. It’s basically this giant free fair for adults (usually over the age of 21, damn being 19). There are several bands and a huge somewhat known final band at the end of the evening. We perused around the event and had a great time. Later on that night, we met up with a friend of his who actually happened to go to my old high school and he brought a few of his friends. We all hung out and when the concert was over, we started to leave the event and as they were going to walk further down into Charlotte, we decided to start on the journey home. He and I live on opposite sides of Lake Norman, so it would be a while til he would get home. But so halfway there, we concluded that we were starving from not eating anything the entire time we were at Speed Street, so we went to Cookout. Waiting for food to come out, we started chatting. We started talking about when Anderson had asked me to prom and how that was, and I told him the whole story about the night when he and Anderson had come up to Boone. He seemed surprised that Anderson had actually done that. But so after that, our conversation bug sparked and we talked about literally everything.

Now I think if you know me enough, I can’t be friends with you if we can’t have a decent conversation. I tend to overlook or ignore people who I can’t have an intelligent conversation with. It’s just not possible to be with someone like me. I think that was one of Austin’s and my pitfalls. He and I had never had a conversation longer than like 20 minutes. But so Andrew and I talked. About everything, a lot was mostly personal and I told him things I had actually never told to anyone. We confided in each other and it was such a fantastic evening, I long for another like it. But so we moved from the parking lot at Cookout to the empty parking lot in front of the Belk shopping center. We sat there in his car, under a streetlamp for 2 hours just talking and interrupting each other with another connection we had and with another thought to share with one another and another memory to say “oh my god, did you really??” to. We surprised each other and wanted to prove to the other person that we were different than our original perceptions that we had gathered. We also proved that we are both huge romantics and that’s one of the reasons neither of our past relationships had worked out in the past. We also talked about how we both want relationships but since he’s going off to college, he wants one that he can almost dispose off once he flies off in August. He and I are similar in that way. I would love to fall in love for the summer, just because I sort of miss being in a relationship because to be completely honest, I love Love. I love being with someone and being able to show them off because I love that feeling. I would love to have that while at home this summer.

But see him and I are also two different people, which is really nice. It’s refreshing to have a friend who’s comfortable being himself and is fun to be around. He’s going back to California for school to Cal Poly and I’m going back to Appalachian. I’m going to be Very sad because Andrew has become a really close friend and I love hanging out with him.

At this point I bet your asking, “Why don’t they just get together??” Well, the reasoning behind why we haven’t is because, …well actually I don’t know. It really never crossed my mind. The only thing that has though is that Anderson and I wouldn’t be good right now. Andrew is sweet though; I’d rather keep him as a friend I can tell anything to. I’d prefer that. And I would want to be there for him across the country if he needed me. I would hate the awkwardness there might be if he and I went out. Besides, he and I, I doubt, are even remotely attracted to each other. I mean he’s cute, he always has been, but we don’t really see one another in that way.

This past weekend we’ve been talking about our troubles of dating and relationships through texts off and on during the days. I had a revelation about wanting a summer love too. He said he just doesn’t want to look. I agree with him. I feel like one is right around the corner and he agreed. I don’t know. Eye Dee Kay. Ever since that conversation with Andrew, I’m beginning to see him as a really close friend and less as just someone I know, as I used to see him. I mean maybe him and I would get together and maybe we wont. Anything can happen this summer and I feel like that’s going to be my motto this year.

Now Personally I can’t wait to get to school because I have loads of friends going to Appalachian, including Ryan and Anderson and Allison! I’m so excited for next year. I can hardly even stand it. I’m sad though because Richard isn’t going to be at school, mainly because he was slacking in his classes. I actually plan on graduating from Appalachian and I will nothing to stop before I get to that.

"...what's up? You seem kinda quiet?"

I'm allowed to be quiet. Mainly because I like to think... I got asked that by my prom date last night. I don't know, sweetheart, maybe because I was expecting too much from you. Maybe because I need someone who's less wrapped up in themselves. Possibly because you are so focused that you can't even notice when a girl is interested in you. Who knows though.

Personally, I am glad I'm home for a particular reason in general. That reason is the late night chats that my mom and I have, typically before we go to sleep. I've missed those. Actually the reason as to why I had made this blog in the first place was because I felt like I needed someone to talk to.

Now to talk... I feel like I have so much on my mind that it might actually explode. I realize too that my issues on my brain aren't as crazy or to be honest, higher priority than most others, considering I have a friend getting brain surgery on Friday, another one is going off to somewhere like Africa or Nicaragua to do social work, and someone else becoming an ϋber famous supermodel in New York and Paris. I'm not jealous. I'm just tired of doing nothing. I want something, or somewhere or someone to be in my life. I want something to be of importance to me. I've lost a lot of motivation in the past few months. I'm not sure what all this is that I'm working for. I've been so lazy in my life that I feel the need to change that. I've already told one of my friends that I felt like I was getting left behind in a sense. I was on Facebook the other day (as are we all) and noticed a series of posts all in a similar category. One friend was pregnant, one getting ready to have her baby and another had had one. Two out of 3 were married, all were in a happy relationship. Today and last night was another one of those days. I went to prom, and surrounded by couples, I was put into a strange mindset. I couldn't even help that fact. They just all seemed so happy. I feel in a way like I'm missing out on something. I've been in one long-ish type of relationship and that was it. It wasn't even that great of a relationship to be honest. I felt like like in the end, he and I hardly knew eachother. And I find that sad. But still, it's hard when you hardly know what love is and yet you give so much of it to other people, not expecting anything in return.

My query is that, what does it feel like to have love reciprocated and you not worry it's going to end within a month? Is that trust? Is that bliss? I don't know because I have never truely known. I would LIKE to know without throwing myself into something and regretting it. Does love give you that feeling that is supposed to give your life meaning? I suppose that's the ever-to-be-answered question.

You see? This is what's been going through my head. Also what has been going through it has been things like: is it my personality that turns people off? am I just not the kind of girl someone could be in a relationship with?

Personally, I'm beginning to think those things of myself. Considering I'm almost nineteen and have had One serious boyfriend. Kinda.

Oh and hey Richard, I'm not suicidal, I'm just beginning to question my life and who I am... So if I get a concerned message from you, all you are getting from me is an "it's okay I'm fine". This is just my head, with a massive headache, a lack of altitude I presume and a long ass couple of days.

So if anyone has any tips for self-fullfillment or someone that they may want to introduce me to, Please let me know. I'd for sure appreciate it.