Every damn year.

I'm beginning to be convinced that I'm doing something wrong..


There's something wrong with me that makes it so that people don't want me.

I hate being around people on the holidays especially when they're in a relationship.

Now that I've had time to take a breath... Let's continue.

'Sup blogosphere..

Finals are over. This hell of a semester is over and I'm vegging out.
Ahhh and look at that: it's 5:24am.

Took a shower, watched ALL of the LOTR movies today. (except the Hobbit WHICH I CANT WAIT TO SEE!!) and I just finished watching the Hunger Games.
Total veg mode.

I would like to apologize about my ranting in the last entry.. Sometimes writing is the only way I can remember how to let off steam... I miss my punching bag like crazy.

So update! I'm getting my new tattoo tomorrow! It's the sea otter design with all of the women's initials in my immediate family. It's gonna look amazing and I can't freaking wait. Rich said he'd also put the Deathly hallows symbol on my ankle too so I guess actually I'm getting 2 tomorrow... I'm really excited and I feel like I should bring a book. Maybe it's a good idea to bring the Hobbit. I could read it to Rich- hahahahahaha that would be fucking hilarious.

'Nothah update- I'm going home on Tuesday. Til like January 9th. Cue release of tension: now...
And weirdly enough I've got most of my shit together for Christmas and stuff. I've got my list and I think it's gonna be a GOOD Christmas if the world doesn't end in like 5 days.
Hey- if it screeches to a halt, at least I will be with my family. That's honestly all that matters in my opinion. I plan on clutching Lise and Chloe and Berit and Rose close when that moment supposedly will hit. Who really knows if anything will happen. But I can tell people are getting antsy about it. It's rough thinking that the world is going to end. And right before Christmas, nonetheless.

I have a feeling like SOMETHING is going to happen. Mass suicide? Or the locus's will come or maybe a MASSIVE earthquake in California? Dude I really can't even begin to tell you what.
MAYBE I shouldn't have had that third cup of coffee like 3 hours ago... Hmmmm... Well let's see what I'm thankful for right now.

-I have a beautifully loving dysfunctional family
-I'm alive and healthy and strong
-My relationship with my Dad is getting much better
-I've decided where I want my future to head
-I managed to see a lot of Europe and fall in love with it
-I'm not afraid of pain or dying anymore
-I'm confident in most of my skills
-Uncle Don has helped me not worry about money as much, therefore taking weight off of my family.
-North Carolina is my home and Boone is my bed.
-My movie collection is MASSIVE and relatively thorough.
-I am two major positions in Alpha Psi Omega (VP & UC) and can be trusted to fullfill them well.
-I'm actually happy to be here. 

Fuck me, it's almost 6 and Bridgman will be here at 10:30. I need to go to bed...

**To those who read this: I love you. Even when it seems for me that all is lost in the darkness, love lights the way and leads me to you and your illumination.
So thank you. <3 br="br">

Don't read this one. It's not worth it.

I'm having a hard time.

I don't want to do this shit anymore. I don't want to worry about money and schoolwork and people and personifications and bullshit. I'm tired of the ultimate goal and the people I'm dealing with.

I feel very alone in this whole situation.

I'm tired of being quite so different and so fucking tired of all of this shit. I'm going to end up just like those people I feel bad for... The ones who can't seem to keep up with they're life and I'm turning into that exact person.

Why don't I get that fairytale prince and the parents to help me at every turn? Why do I have to face this godforsaken world all by myself?

"But you aren't alone! You've got [then they list off so-and-so and so-and-so]!"
Yeah, but name three people who would probably do anything for you at the drop of a hat?

Your mom.
Your dad.
Your significant other.

None of which I truly have.

My aunt's trying... My dad could basically give a shit. Significant other? Yeah now that's funny.

On the outside I play the happy go lucky, 'Hey I'll do that for you so that you're not so stressed!', 'Aww let me help YOU feel better about your life' girl.

Being Her is so goddamn exhausting that I can't seem to fix and keep up with my own goddamn life. Somehow I keep forgetting shit that's due.
Or classes, I can't seem to keep in my head what time my fucking classes are.
I'm losing my mind.

I feel like I'm just absolutely losing it and I'm just going to end up failing.
My goal at the moment is to not have a breakdown everyday.

Oh wait, too late- already had one today.

My ...friends? Yeah I can't seem to find them. So like I said, who do I have to rely on?
Dude, beats me.



I've had a lot of people be like "Dude, wtf?" in reference to my attitude.
Honestly I don't know "double-u tee eff". So quit fucking asking.

OYrvywoBAEGUBqg
I JUST WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I don't want Justin and his happy little unreality either.
I don't want Allison's hellhole of a job and half existence either.
I want Mike to stop fucking complaining to me about that "girl" he's obsessed with, yet turn to me and claim to want me. 
I JUST WANT THIS ALL TO STOP.
I could give a fuck about exams. Or school. Or class.
But I can't go home.
Whatever, whereever that is anymore.
Home isn't home.
It's not.
My friends aren't friends. They're freeloaders. At least the last couple have been... Freeloaders of my emotions, money, home and speaking of home- I hate the home I'm in now. MOTHERfucker. My roommate is about as welcoming and friendly as her poor angry hedgehog.
I feel like I tresspass in my own "home". I've dug myself into this godforsaken hole so hard that I can't see daylight anymore. What the hell is wrong with me.
Someone please help me..
I'm done.

When the cold arrives...

I'm beginning to get that numb feeling again. The one where all I want is to feel the warmth of someone whether by thought or recognition or rather even by physical. I hate that about myself. I'm so jealous of my roommate and her boyfriends relationship. I want to be able to say that I'm loved or that i have someone who is expecting me. Instead i have a list of numbers and names I can't/won't call because things were embarassing or ended badly or were just plain fucking dumb. I hate craving companionship, frankly its my least favorite attribute of myself.
I miss my companionship with justin... I know I complain about him, but honestly I miss just being able to snuggle with him. I feel like I havent had much in the way of human contact lately. I want to have someone to snuggle with... but for the love of god who?

Fancy seeing you here, Mr Pinot Noir...

I have spent a very long time without writing and I feel like now is a good time to do so.
...It figures that it's 4am.

Something new has risen up, that which I'm trying to ignore... A crush.

I think I've got a crush on a person who will probably end up marrying the girl he's dating.
Thank god it's only a crush right?

A few other things that have been going on with me lately? I just finished designing my very first show! Even if it was only the Freshman Showcase, I can rightfully say that I designed it. I love that feeling... Also I'm working props for Noises Off which goes up this upcoming weekend.
Another thing, I think I'm slowly getting tired of Justin and his antics. You know sometimes I feel like I'm 10 years older than him and then sometimes he treats me like a 6yr old. I'm not sure where our balance has gone, we used to be so sympatico but I'm just sad and missing him and I feel like if he was up here, he'd panic. I feel as if he just wouldn't be able to handle the whole "living on your own" thing. Or taking care of himself? let alone having or keeping a girlfriend. I feel like he'd be like a rogue 8 year old in a candy/icecream shop with X amount of money. I can't be his mother and he's not my boyfriend. He can do whatever the hell he wants but he can't feed off of me. I open myself to everyone and letting one person crawl in and try to live there just doesn't compute in my book.

But this semester, it looks like I'm commiting myself to my department heavily. I'm blanket designing the New Play Festival, I may or may not be auditioning for RENT, and I want to be the Understudy Chair for APO. Also I want to apply into the Art department... Good lord, what free time again?

I think I may have sworn off of romance/physicality and relationships for a while. I feel as though I can't handle that at this current time and plus after my revealing conversation with Emily and Grayson, I may have gone a bit too far off the deep end sexually.
I'm kind of ashamed of myself. I love too fast and I long for someone.
I always have and I've come to terms with the latter.
Until I can find that person who would do just about anything to be with me, I can't. I can't do it anymore. The loneliness is killing me and I have no idea what I could even do to solve that.

Maybe I didn't want to solve it.
Maybe I wanted someone else to solve it.
Goddamnit I'm not making sense- half a bottle of wine will do that to you I guess.

But I have to say, I really hope that my friendship with Joseph blooms into something awesome. I like where it's going, I mean honestly the boy keeps quiet during movies, yet knows the perfect spot in which to quote them. We giggle like we were in kindergarten about stupid dancer freshmen. We pretty comfortable already which is pretty awesome. Boy has some wild ass hair too. Can't go wrong with wild ass hair. Somehow we managed to talk about Europe for like 2 hours. Not to mention we can respect each others personal space which I have to say is a plus.
And don't judge me, but I checked out astrological compatibility.
Usually that means that I'm crazy into some person I just met but not in this case- I think that considering he's a Taurus and I'm a Cancer and the internet says that that matchup is "soul-mate material" I can see our friendship just amassing on crazy awesome levels.

To be honest, I won't lie- I can see me marrying someone like Joseph. I doubt "he's the one" but hey, he can set a bar can't he?

This is gonna sound stupid, but you know- I want 'the one' to be soon. I'm starting to hope for it. I don't know if I'd want to get married right now, but I think that I wouldn't mind getting married soon.
It won't happen but at least I've already gotten my wedding all planned out. #thankspinterest

You know something though? I don't like sharing my bed unless the other cuddles with me.
And for right now, Bear is winning that competition. :)

#swearingofflove
#wineflowslikeloveblows
#mygiantteddybear
#mychildrenwillhaveafrosandlikeit
#theatreislife
#crushessuck
#idontknowwhattodo
#fightclub
#soulmatesareonlyinfairytales
#lifeiswhatyoumakeit

How do I even... fuck it.

Making the separating between different love is difficult.

I'm learning that the hard way.

At some point I did indeed fall for a friend of mine and our friendship bloomed into something that I don't think I can ever forget.

He fell for my friend.

Reality bit me.

Our friendship is so strong with him and I, that I just got a tattoo in honor of him and the struggle he's been through because I've had this feeling that he and I will always be friends. No matter what.


Right now, I've told him that I needed to add space to our friendship because it was to save it.
From me.
I can promise you that if I don't do this, then the results may be completely astronomical.

Not to mention there is no way in hell that a guy like him and a girl like me would ever be able to be copacetic together. I just need to get it through my thick head that our types don't match. Thus why we're such good friends.

I've lost it. He's with her and I hate to be that third wheel to invite myself when they would like the precious alone time together. But I don't want to "vie for his affections" because I wasn't raised to be that way. I was raised to be independent and not need someone.
Well it looks like "that girl" is coming back.
And I had been so excited to have him come up here... But now, I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes because I don't want him to think that I want to monopolize his time when he clearly wants to spend it with someone else.
I'm not really sure what to do in this situation- staying home has been my main defense.

But NO. I refuse to become third fiddle when he stays with me and eats my food and asks my council because all of his energy is focused on someone else. The only way that I can deal with it is to realize that I'm crazy and I need to get a grip.
Maybe I'm just crazy.

I'm probably just crazy.

I feel crazy.

This is stupid.

I've got to be crazy.

I am crazy. That's it. I'm a crazy jealous bitch who doesn't know how to deal with her life.


I wish I had someone to pursue me. Yep, I'm a jealous bitch who can't be happy for anyone else because her own life is fucked up.
All I've Ever wanted was a confidante.
He and I became that for each other and then he started out for her.
I no longer feel so much like a confidante but something to bide his time before she gets off work. But now I'm not letting myself feel that way so I go to work and class and not let myself have any part of that.

I need to paint. I need to eat food, drink water, socialize with someone who I'm not so dependent on.
Yes, I feel dependent on him. But what do I depend on him for? Compliments? Hugs? Someone to listen to me on occaision? What about this occaision? I can't see him wanting to listen to any of this. I see him saying "No No NO. I LOVE you and that's that". Okay.......? Sometimes just saying it isn't enough. Just saying it, it just turns to words.
And I know he depends on me but for what. I haven't been able to figure that out yet. Company outside of Mooresville. Poptarts. Someone to tell that they aren't coming home because they're cuddling with someone else. I think he and I just got too close.

Maybe I'm trying to fill the void I have from losing Mom? Sounds like something a therapist would say to me come to think of it. 
Jesus christ, I need a change already. I'm starting to get that feeling like I need to leave this country again. Go somewhere completely different where no one knows me.


I look at the relationship he and I have and I love it. I love how we act around each other and how we can confide in each other. I love the fact that we can just sit together and I love the fact that when he doesn't feel great, he lets me worry. I love that I have someone to buy presents for and to not be able to wait to see. I love that he hugs me. He has no idea how even goddamn grateful I am to have him in my life.
But I still refuse to be third fiddle. I'm not that sort of person.

I'm just crazy. I guess that's it.

Time to paint then.

No Words.

As I listen to "Some Nights" by Fun. yet again tonight (this morning since it's 4:27am), I start to recollect this past week...
I must say it's been so incredibly showing of many things.

Today was the year anniversary of my Mom's passing and I learned that I have a great friend in my dear Frankie-Francesa Gayle. She got me out of bed and into the sunshine.
I found that I underestimate or being to overestimate people and then they hit my expectations. I'm looking at you, Justin. I was pretty sure I wasn't to get any notice from someone I consider a best friend until he couldn't help but message/FaceTime and make me laugh. Them two are exactly what I asked God for when I was a little girl.
And having Justin in Boone with me made life so much easier to try and deal with. Of course there were a few bumps along the way (getting pulled over, getting a flat on top of a goddamn mountain, ya know- the usual). But overall and many poptarts later, the weekend extended to a week. Then there was alcohol involved and emotions were released. Issues and conflicts were brought up but what else could possibly happen when the liquor is flowing, good friends are near and music is setting the perfect scene.

I'm almost completely settled into my new place. Amaria and I seem to already have a great relationship (and a good deal of drunk pictures already) and I can't wait for the rest of this year.

There's still a mental blockage of this year, I can't seem to picture a lot of anything in the future for some reason. Maybe that's good? All I know is that I plan on not being quite so frivolous and galavantly galavanting all over town. I want to get a hold of all my affairs and my personal faculties.
I really should make a list so I can't forget everything that I need to do, get ready and promise to myself.

I promise not to try not to overload myself this semester.
I promise to be better with money, than I have been this year.
I promise to not take anything for granted.
I promise to make whoever I start dating, happy as much as I can.
And finally, I promise to go on plenty of adventures.

No, I can't sleep now- Doctor Who is on

I hate being home alone. At 5am.

Being home alone makes me think things.

Thinking things to myself late at night gets me riled up about even stupider things.

Getting riled up makes this melodramatic girl not be able to sleep and makes the shadows move.

Shadows flickering in the corners freak me out.


I had a conversation with a friend of mine tonight. She's a wonderful friend and I love her to absolute death. It's only that when I get inside my own head (like I've probably mentioned before at some point or a hundred times before) is when I will refuse just about all reason except my own.
This evening when in conversation with Frankie, somehow I got on the topic of relationships. Something about me asking her to "wrangle me a man" whether it be in Florida, where she was on vacation or it be where we go to school.
My reasoning to her? Because I am not capable myself.
To flesh that thought out a little bit more? Because I've done too many regrettable things and can't keep interest in whoever I'm dating.
And to finish out my ridiculous thought? My standards are too high.

And of course, Frankie chimed in beautifully with exactly what any friend should say in encouragement and faith in a new day and new people.
"You just haven't found the right person! Do what you do and that right person will come around and it'll be perfect, I promise" are the words of a good friend.

Well unfortunately, her words only managed to rile me up even more. She said that I'm worth my high standards. She said that to lower them and settle is just subjecting myself.
But in all honesty, what lengths would or should I go to, to acquire the intimacy that I've desired so intensely since the beginning of my adolescence? (wow, look at me go with all this fancy vernacular- Ooh I like that one too!) Now I suppose it's typical of teens to desire someone sexually but I'm not exactly... that way. I mean yes, periodically I can be. But I what I crave (that isn't carnal, I suppose) is complete trust and emotional absolute security. Even since I was entering junior high and into high school, that's all I've wanted. Not even my first kiss let alone ...further than that.

So Frankie said not to lower my standards...
And I think that if I write them out, she'll see what I mean.

Hmm... this part is tricky.

What am I looking for? 

A man. Not a boy.
Dark hair and light eyes.
Accent (preferable but not required)
A bit taller than myself but not so tall at the same time.
Must be able to talk to endlessly and comfortably.
Movie and music lover but not a snob.
Kind and gentle yet tough and willing to fight.
Smiles and hugs often.
Doesn't bullshit me and won't lie to me.
Embraces my geekiness and my nerdlike habits.
Understands my intense love for my mother, my family and the past.
Will be willing to argue just for the sake of arguing.
Doesn't care (and could be willing to join in) on movie/tv marathons periodically.
Is willing to eat strange things.
Lets me indulge in silly things (Call Me Mayyyybeee!!) every now and again. 
Can be spontaneous at a moments' notice.
Might be willing to break rules.
Doesn't have unrealistic expectations of children and the future.
Romantic to an extent that is cheesy and silly and crazy that makes everyone else jealous but not everyday of course...
Doesn't care if I haven't shaved my legs that morning.
Could give a shit if I was primped enough, but won't hesitate to appreciate the time I've put in. 
Indulges in my moments of Earth-savingness that occur occasionally.
Understands all, if not most of my quirks, and knows that they dissipate after a little while.


Yep... I think my standards are too high.
I require too much of one person and I think over time, I'll accept it.
Or maybe I'll try my hand at online dating or something... Who knows.

And for now, I'll just mull all of this over because who needs sleep at 5:23 in the morning? Besides, Doctor Who is on and the coffee-lifeblood-sustenance will be brewed momentarily...

JTN- Make sure and visit ALL the time, please...

After a fantastic weekend moving myself into Boone and trying to give Emily a great experience as a Boonie, I have to say that I'm going to be sad to see this summer go. I've gotten so close with quite a few people here in  Mooresville.
The main person though that is like, the friend I've waited for- is my crazy close friend Justin. I don't even know what the deal is, I just love the kid. It's the little things... I'll say something stupid and he laughs. He texts me to make sure I'm alright if I'm in a terrible mood.
I don't really have a lot of friends that I feel this strongly about.

And then there's Emily, my golden gilmore girl :) I love this chick, I think she knows too much thus the reason why I've decided to hold on to her for a long while. Plus we share a deep love for snuggling and delicious food.

Not to mention everyone I've made a connection to this year, you've helped me get through an incredibly hard period of my life and I honestly don't know what I would've done if I hadn't had the friends that I had. Or if you hadn't given me the distractions that I needed, I would've driven myself crazy.

I'm glad to say that this summer has been pretty fantastic, and when people ask me about how it was that's exactly what I'm going to tell them.

I've gone to Europe and experienced a different life, came home and lived the life I carved out for myself over the last 6 years. Two times that I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world...
I would never trade the love and the friendship that I've gotten used to being able to parade around.
I am so incredibly blessed and ab-sol-fuckin-lutely lucky with everything I've received this summer.

You get really thankful for things when you realize it's near the end of a special time... I don't even know what I'll do when I have to go back to school and Justin's here in Mooresville. I'm used to talking to him and seeing him like everyday. It'll suck but I guess we'll get over it. Or I'll just have to continuously call him and sing radio hits in his ear, which I know he LOVES. Eh, it'll all be fine.

Life is too fucking short.

Today's been a weird day.

I drove back from moving Emily into Wilmington today.
I harrassed Justin to come over (surprise surprise).
I ate a sandwich and worried about money.
I found out my friend Paige died last night.
I realized it's been almost a year (23 days until) since Mom died.

I don't.. Words are hard right now, it's 4:24 in the morning and I can't sleep. I thank my absolute lucky stars that I'm safe, healthy and loved right now.
You begin to realize how precious life truly is when someone you know (even if they weren't that close to you) passes away.
I texted Justin just to tell him how blessed I was to have him in my life.
I don't know who put him there, but all I know is that he isn't leaving and I promise to be with and around that boy until the day I die.
The amount of love I've gotten from the people who care about me and the family and friends that I've accumulated over the past few years is amazing. I wouldn't have ever even thought close to all this.

Sometimes life gets put into perspective for you. And then you begin to realize that even words can't describe. No amount of faith in whatever form you choose, can force you to see just how blessed and absolutely lucky someone like myself truly is.
I think I've been spoiled for most of my life. Nothing has been a tremendous hardship (except for Mom of course) but everything is livable.
Humans and the human psyche are incredible things.


Well Mom, would you look out for Paige Kriegel- she's a really sweet girl and is new up there.
Love to the both of you from the absolute bottom of my heart.
My thoughts go out to Paige's family and also to all of my family that struggles with hardships and issues of any nature. My thoughts and love go out to everyone- I just want everyone to know that they can live through those hardships and trials.
Especially if you believe in yourself.

And final parting words before I pass out- hold onto your family and friends, whoever those are that you surround yourself with, hard. Hold them hard and long, keep them close.

A Milestone Finally Fucking Achieved!

Hey everybody- I've been sort of taking stock of my life in my time here at home and whilst celebrating my epicness of a birthday (21 BITCHES!), I've begun to realize a few things...
I've lived through a HELL of a lot.
I'm happy (at least in this moment in time) and absolutely content with a lot that's gone on in life.

Let's see... What all have I even done?
I...
-Moved 3000 miles away from all my friends and family
-Dealt with a hell of a childhood growing up as the weird fat girl
-Lived through my parents' nasty divorce 
-Got diagnosed with a life long health issue that I'll never be able to change
-Graduated High school with a 4.0
-Took the leap and got accepted into a great university
-Loved and lost and loved again
-Discovered alcohol/drugs/nicotine and honestly they really aren't for me
-Found my calling in costuming and Theatre (and a job in it too)
-Lost my Mom, who was my best friend and confidante to cancer
-Got a painful tattoo in her honor
-Went to New York for New Years
-Went to Chicago and found a faith... in something, in people
-Traveled so many places in Europe, some even by myself
-Didn't die on my 21st birthday, even if I wanted to...
-Lived on my own since I was 18
-Am living through my Aunt and Uncle's crazy separating/divorce
-Found friends that will actually be with me for the rest of my life


A lot of it isn't fancy but you know what, I've done so much in my life already and I've got probably another 60+ years left.
No I don't have a baby.. or two. No, I'm not married to someone I dated in freshman year of high school. Yes, I'm incredibly lucky to have done everything I did. Yes, I did try hard to get where I am. No I'm not stuck in my life and I honestly never plan on taking depression pills because I know that my life is going to be what I make of it. I will make it incredible. I can feel it.

I almost get energized when I see someone from high school who was married at 17, has two kids and hasn't seemed to move out of their parents house yet.
I can't even imagine how depressed they must be, when they realize that there's so little that they can do now that they have had to grow up and be parents or when they are with the first person they laid eyes on that called them "pretty". I can't settle. Maybe I'll always be reaching but I feel like there's so much out there that hasn't been done or see or been accomplished. Some day I'll be out there making headlines that the people I went to highschool with will watch and be jealous of.
Who did they think I was? Just some stupid girl who would make the wrong decisions?
HAH no. I will be the one that they remember, the one that they see and go "oh wait, Honey! We went to high school with her! Oh wow, so she's doing.... that! Well that's very cool!"
I can't wait to be that person.
I can't wait to wow people. I promise you that's what I'll be doing.

Not to mention I don't plan on growing up yet. Growing up has never really been on the agenda....

So I guess here goes!

Reality.... ?

AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN AT THIS GODDAMN MINUTE???

I feel like all of a sudden there's many 5 people I know that AREN'T having kids. Or getting married. Or getting engaged.

FUCK. THAT.

Ruining the sanctity of marriage MY ASS. I know that in the next 10 years several of them will get divorced... Several are going to end up with 3 or more kids and then get tired of their significant other and cheat on the other... Or blow their head off because they're tired of the mediocrity of their life and they can't find a reason to keep living.

I. CAN'T. LET. THAT. HAPPEN. TO. ME.

I need to be bigger than that. And I don't need someone dragging me down wanting to... buy a house and settle down.
I don't want to settle.
I want to exceed! And if no one can fully appreciate that, then who needs them.

This has been an angry message brought to you by Emily.
But jesus, I think I need to go do some friend downsizing... *GAHHH*

Fiery Female looking for Perfect Partner....

Don't you hate it when a movie sets unrealistic bars for men in our society?
You want that hunky musician who adores you and can't Not turn you down, even though life's complicated and you have a laugh like a hyena...
I love and hate "Because I Said So".
I hate how much it makes me giggle and root for the obvious great guy who even has a kid and a live in parent who also happens to be single? Jesus, who writes this shit.
PLUS it doesn't help that the guy is GORGEOUS. Sure he plays the electric guitar and has a tattoo on the back of his hand and can't Not wear a fedora because it ONLY enhances his absolute dare I say it..... beautiful-ness! GAHH I want a man like him in my life.

Sometimes I think "well maybe I'll just be a lesbian... maybe that's just want life hasn't shown me yet..." but then I watch a movie like this (and can I just add how GREAT of a cast it is?? JESUS) and I see this guy who has opinions and has actual feelings *not just about making the woman happy, might I add, but about the relationship in general* and fuck, I'm going to end up alone.

The moment in the movie where Milly is frustrated and then Johnny says to stop apologizing and then draws a heart on her hand (GAHHHH) and she talks about how he can calm her down.. Then he says how she talks in circles yet makes absolute perfect sense? I'm so jealous because I can't even begin to tell you how much that somewhat sounds like me. If you've read my blog before, I typically write stream of consciousness and in circles, typically forgetting what I'm talking about halfway through but I have yet to meet anyone that can follow/keep up with me.

Mom always said it's okay, don't worry that person will come to you and it'll be great and everything will be exactly the way you want it to be.
Well I'm starting to get tired of looking. I mean I'm about 21 and have yet to have a truly solid relationship. So many of my friends are getting married or are having babies, I feel like I should be in that frame of mind, even if Mom had me when she was 29. I don't know.... I would love to feel adored. I would love TO adore someone. I always feel that congested feeling when I'm with someone though. I always suddenly feel like I have another bag to carry that's weighing me down. Maybe that's what I'm scared of in the end though. Maybe I'm scared that I'm just going to hate married life and having kids because I can't be wild and free. I don't know. I would love someone to share things with though. It was enough having Mom and I because in a way we were like sisters. We only had each other, but now that I'm alone and fending for myself with my emotions and thoughts and have very few people I can hurdle them at without horrific repercussions, I'm kinda sad.

This moment I'm not really though. I'm actually for the first time in a long time not wishing for something else. Not wanting something a bit more. I don't feel the need for anything right now... I'm perfectly content in everything and I realize that I'm so incredibly lucky for everything I've got. I've got Becka and her fantastic flat here in Southport which is directly in the middle of anywhere and everywhere I've wanted to go basically. Not to mention that she and I get along famously and I've got a relatively painless trip to Dublin planned that I'm pretty ecstatic to go on. Even if I'm by myself, I'm sure I'll be fine. I make friends pretty easily.

I'm ready to begin the next step of this adventure... And no, I'm not talking about Dublin..
I guess let's see what's out there for me :)

Darkness meets Sunlight.

It's been a while since my last post...
I find myself sitting in Erin's flat here in London, waiting for her to wake up...

Let's recap the recent past shall we?

Flew and met my group in London over a month ago.. (wow it's been a month already??)
Travelled to Bath, York, Stratford, Paris and back to London.
Spoke to my aunt and was told that Mom's medical bills have been settled with no debt remaining and money still somewhat in our pockets.
Saw Erin and Big Ben and realized that friendships are built for hardships, so that we can survive them together.
Saw Queen Elizabeth II and the royal family in the Diamond Jubilee.
The scholarship I was awarded is finally officially getting processed.
Financial Aid has awarded me over $10,000 in grants so I might go to school, debt free this year.
Decided to travel alone to Liverpool and Dublin...

I must say, it's been interesting. The school trip was ...stressful and full of unwarranted issues and emotions but honest to god, I wouldn't trade that entire experience for anything.

Not to mention, right now I find myself on the day before Mom's 50th birthday. She's going to be scattered over the Thames river here in London, with my best friend at my side.

This has been an intense year I must say....
I recapped with Erin and all the emotions welled up. I've traveled near and far to try and escape what I had been denying to myself; that the person I cared for the most died and left me here.

Before I could kill someone while being locked up at school in Boone, I promised Allison we'd go to New York for New Years. Then I promised my aunt in CA that I'd visit her for spring break. Then I made sure Allison got the senior summer trip she needed and went to Oak Island for the weekend. Then I promised Mom that I'd go to Europe for her and for me.

Maren loved London and had promised me so many times she'd bring me one day and we'd share a few drinks and tour the cities... She always spoke fondly of Bath and London and Dublin, so I took it upon myself and decided that I needed to go.

And well here I am, gearing up for the next half of my adventure. Prepping myself for Dublin and Liverpool and Amsterdam and in 3 weeks or about 20 days I'll be back in the States getting ready to celebrate my 21st birthday.

And next year's checklist is getting there too:

Find an apartment I'm happy with- Check.
Sign up for classes that I'm alright with- Check.
Finish my art portfolio- Check.
Finalize financial aid- CHECK!

Things always get brighter when the darkness seems to overcome.
Maybe my time to shine is coming closer... Just you wait and see :)

Deep Breath.

Some nights...

"Some nights" by FUN is completely appropriate for my feelings right now.

Totally and completely overwhelmed. (That's an understatement)

STILL getting everything done, slowly but surely.

I'm not perfect and neither have I found that person who can accept that. I always wonder because when I see someone's profile on Facebook and notice that each person in our mutual friends or in their friends list that pops up, every single one of them has someone that loves them.

But Some nights... my heart breaks. Some nights I praise my life. Some terrible things have happened but some amazing things have too.

I have to focus on the good.
I have to get my shit done and prove everyone else wrong in the end.


Thank god for Pandora sometimes. Because now "Send me on my Way" by Rusted Root just came on. See? Either the gods or my mom are looking down on me, shaking their heads and saying  
"no worries, you've got this". 

After contemplating all this, and feeling sad for myself because I'm not in a relationship and have so much to do and generally just feeling low- I'm not alone, and it only took me this long to realize it. Thanks Ma, I appreciate the boost. 

I got this. 

untitled.

I don't want a niche. I want my own place to breathe. I could give a shit about clubs and events you want me to go to.

Ever since Mom died, I've developed a "I could give 2 goddamn shits about you" attitude. Some call it bad manners, some call it dangerous, my therapist called it a way to cope, but I call it self-preservation.

Stop trying to pull me into your little world, there's so much more out there than the drama and bullshit you want me to buy into. There's a world outside of what you call important right now. Nothing's THAT important. All that matters is staying sane and protecting yourself.
That's what I have to do all the time.
I walk across what I consider a safe campus with my back always watched. "Don't walk by yourself, it's dangerous..." Pfft, I can take care of myself. I challenge anyone, myself even to prove this.
Go ahead, fuck with me. I'll fuck you up, if I have to. But I won't have to.

I've grown a sort of icy exterior that looks angry, sounds angry and in all honesty, is kind of angry.

I'm not self mutilating in anyway, I'm just sick and fucking tired of giving a shit about all the bullshit that doesn't actually matter. Getting angry at clubs for not giving a fuck? Getting yelled at for trying to exist outside of a bullshit system that I'll be stuck in for another 3 years? Yeah. Fuck you and get the fuck out.

Nice Emily went out the window in August.
This one's here to stay.

She like old angry punk music and dubstep.
She walks with a goddamn purpose.
If her old self could see her now, she'd call her a badass.
She's internally hurt others and herself too many times to count.
Her best friend and only person who's given two shits about her was taken away from her.
They fought and bitched and screamed and had a GREAT FUCKING TIME. Sometimes each other wished each other dead. But that didn't stop them from loving the shit out of each other.
Yeah, this one right here, she's mad. And she's ready to take on the entire fucking world, so come at me bro.

I've got caffeine in my system and a fight in my stomach. My fists are already clenched and my teeth are grinding together. I'll snap, but not in front of you- who the fuck do you think you are to think that you deserve even That courtesy? Fuck you.

There's not much I believe in, but what I believe in is strong. That's myself. I believe that one of these days, you'll all hear my name and wish that you'd fucking given me the time of day. Nope, not silly little Emily. She's not serious enough for me. She loves people and hugs them too much. You know what? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AND EVER HUG I'VE EVER GIVEN. You didn't deserve the affection I expressed with that hug.

HAH. I'm too immature. YOU deal with no parents. No past to be remembered. And a future that you have to look out for your own goddamn self. Have fun getting care packages from your parents. Have fun dealing with your drug problems, your future alcohol abuse, lack of motivation and potential or rather likely depression from having two loving parents you only care about you and your best interests. Have fun with that.

Get the fuck away from me and watch how I excel past you because I have to make my own decisions. And figure out how my life is going to pan out with just about no one's help.
Go ahead and FUCKING WATCH ME.

You want a pep talk? Not feeling good enough because you feel your parents and your aunts and uncles and grandparents don't love you enough? MAYBE THEY HAVE GOOD REASON.

Fuck you, fuck off and get the fuck out.


I'm done with dealing with shitheads. Broaden your goddamn perspectives, open your fucking eyes and do something that isn't in your GODDAMN COMFORT ZONE. MAYBE, YOU COULD ACTUALLY ACHIEVE SOMETHING USEFUL. There ya go, you shithead, now you've made something that maybe even YOU could be proud of.



Get the fuck out of my face.

When it rains, I just stroll...

This school year.
GAH.

This year has been stupid and crazy and unnecessary to be completely honest. I would love to rewind, go back to the beginning of the summer and redo just about everything.

But no, you can't do that unless you're.. Doctor Who, I mean, yes David Tennant is great but still, no can do senorita.

I guess it hasn't been HORRIBLE in retrospect. There's been some things that make me want to hide away and cry forever... But I just have to let myself hear my mom in my head saying "Anything and everything makes you stronger in the end". She's entirely too right sometimes.
I miss her like crazy, ya know.

*thoughtful thinking break*



You know what's funny? The people who have it all together, right now, they're experiencing what my whole life has been. Spread-too-thin, cluttered, busy, tiring, and just overall- restless.
For the first time, I'm not doing that to myself.
I still remember back in 6th grade: grandmas in the morning, bus to school, garden club, after school Tae Kwon Do practice, then off to swim team, home for dinner and homework until I remember there's a science fair next week with a project I need to work on.
I have always been busy, my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but in the end- you get so tired. And tired of being so tired. You're brain doesn't stop and you start to notice just how alone you've made yourself even when you try to do everything to get friends or to be a part of something but then you end up once again by yourself... I feel like that at the end of the days here sometimes. I'm surrounded by people but there's just so much to do, I can't stay in one place. And I doubt this is making sense, but who knows.

I push people away because it's hard for me to differentiate between everything going on in my head. I'm an absolute fucking oxymoron. I want someone but can't focus on just that or combine it with all of the things I'm doing. Ohmahgod.


Well shit.

Grey, gray, grai, ghraie...

Days like this remind me of being back in California. It's so lightly misting and the sky is a melancholy shade of gray. Most people say "let's stay in- snuggle- sleep..."
I say, let's go for a walk.
It's beautiful out.
It's not even raining. But it's cool enough to not let you hate walking around.
It's perfect...

You can smell the leafs and the smell of exhaust and car motors sinks into the ground. The mist of sleepiness floats in the air above us. The sun doesn't even peak through because it knows that you don't even need it today, unlike some days...
That one song comes on your iPod that just seems to fit that exact moment.
Most days when the tired pads of your feet hit the pavement, you have to convince yourself to keep going. There will be salvation soon, is what you tell them.

Today, the ache is gone. They go because they want to.

Happy :)

I met a boy.
I met a boy who cares a lot about me. He told me himself.

I can't quit gushing about him either. He's so cute and funny and charming and goddamnit he's absolutely perfect.

I'm pretty sure he knows me almost as well as I know myself now (or about as much as Erin knows probably)... He knows so much about my past that I'm sure he could tell you himself.
I feel like he and I have been together for an incredibly long time........

He and I met a week ago.
Exactly.
From today, which happens to be Valentines day.

This kinda nervous guy comes up to me.. Without asking for my name, asks for my number. I awkwardly looked around and made sure he was talking to me... Then even more awkwardly I introduced myself and said "Sure...?" gave him my number, expecting him to have been dared to ask me, or he was doing it for some other guy or some other god-known reason. The only thing was, he made my absolute shit-hole of a day so much better. I bragged about it to my friends the next day and he had texted me that night and asked if we could go out that next day. Just for ice cream or something. I agreed and found out just how easy it was to talk to him... He and I decided we wanted to "date". Something that neither of us had a whole lot of good experience in. But hey, what the hell anyway.
He wanted to see me again, before he went home on Friday so he came to my work and I hugged him and yet again awkwardly introduced him to a couple of my girls in the shop. he went home and we talked all weekend. He said he couldn't wait to hang out with me on Sunday when he got back. I prepared all day Sunday for him and you couldn't have stopped the pounding in my chest with anything. He got here at my dorm at about 10:30pm and we talked for 2 hours straight. We sat up on my bed and were going to start a movie potentially except the two of us were so tired and kept yawning, he suggested we snuggle together for a minute. We fit perfectly together. It was so weird how fast the time flew... We talked about almost everything and he called me beautiful while I blushed at how handsome he really is. We fit like a glove.
Then he looked at me, and we kissed. It was so sweet, it almost hurt. He would brush the hair off of my face and hold it there. I couldn't even tell you how much it felt too good to be true.
All the things we bonded about, how similar we are, our families and just life- stays with him and I.
I just have to brag about how perfect he is. I don't want to jinx it, I don't want to ruin this. I just want him. I want to sleep next to him and hold on and not let go. It hurts and I miss him already.

Today was the best Valentines day of my life. I can't remember when I was this happy. He makes me this happy and I want to relish this day forever and replay it over and over again. He took me to Capones, it was the "first place I ever saw you" he said. When it was his birthday, his roommate/my friend took him there, and there was I. He saw me and now he has me.

I can't not smile when I think of him and how he makes me feel. I can't help Not gushing about him to everyone I know and love. I can't help to want to feel his arms around me and his voice in my ear saying how he wants to protect me. I want to look into those huge brown eyes of his and make sure I can protect him too. I can't wait to be with him again and it will be in less than 10 hours.
This feels like a movie romance. It feels too good to be true. Neither he or I can even wrap our heads around how we feel about each other. We just know how we do.



He told me that he loved me tonight. He told me he's never felt this way before. Like he's been looking for me the whole time. I know it's fast but honestly, I feel the same way too.

So this is what love feels like :)

I can't wait for tomorrow.

I think my brain is leaking... anyone have a mop?

And the sleep schedule is still outta wack. Went to bed at like 6:30 am yesterday morning... woke up at like 7:30am for Chloe's basketball game.. Took a nap at some point today and now its 4am again. Jesus I'm lonely in this house. And you all know how I get when I am by myself... i think.
Today I was on a "I want company really badly" kick. You would think, well her aunt and cousin are there right? Well they are except that they remove themselves from society way more than I think is healthy.... I don't know I mean taking 4 hour naps when we could be doing something, and cancelling plans on others and basically just sitting there watching TV all day really isn't healthy. Yet that's what we do. Everyday. On those idiotic purple sofas that are basically beds. The living room has been reworked so it accomodates two... occaisionally a third person will come and try to join the conversation but it's futile because that beautiful green loveseat that my mom and I had picked out is isolated and struck out at a funky angle. I feel like I'm basically bitching but I don't know what else to do. I am so stir crazy I may just break into the dorms tomorrow. Fucking dorms. That don't open until Friday. Ridiculous.
Goddamnit, I am going to drive myself crazy if I don't do something soon. And I mean I have things to do, but jesus I am just so lonesome, I guess. Lise goes to bed at like 8 and Chloe trails into her room about an hour later. I don't understand this whole going to bed early thing. I don't know, maybe college has spoiled me. Maybe my sleep schedule IS messed up. Maybe I'm just bored and lonely with all my friends in Boone and me still stuck down here. I am reallllllllllllly tired of this feeling and I'd like to be back now, kthanx.

In the meantime, heres the list thats spinning in my head:
-finish study abroad application so its ready to turn in
-figure out the app fee and the work she wanted us to have done before break was over
-finish the kittycat box
-finish brookes present
-hang out with whoever is still here and quit bothering people
-do laundry, pack for boone, clean room (most likely this will be done thursday...night)
-go over bills and money etc with lise
-talk to verizon about an upgrade and a new plan
-get lunch with lisa g and grandma (potentially thursday too)
-call people about apartments from list
-stop inventoring the house, thats not a concern yet
-stop complaining
-finish corset and the hat for me and the scarf for me
-sooooooo much more


Good god I have a lot to do. I just wish I had some help in it all. Taking over my life, with no guidance is a lot harder than what I thought.
Motivation is just a lot harder to come by.

NY. An adventure no one could forsee...

I've been recuperating from my first trip to New York.
And I really mean recuperating.

Allison, Cody and myself. We survived that great huge big Apple.
Just barely.

After a debilitating 12 hour bus trip from NC we crashed in our run-down Travelodge hotel that was in a place even New Jersey people couldn't find.
We hit the city running that next day and after a day of not knowing where to even start, we attempted the NJ bus system, got lost and ended up being dropped off an aching 45 minutes away from our hotel. After tears and cramping feet and sighs, we were whisked away by 'Britney and Tyler' of Middlesex, New Jersey who agreed to drive us to our hotel in Union.
We slept decently and decided that Union, NJ was too far from the city and checked out that next morning. Took the bus in, then the subway to Greenwich Village where our gracious friend let us leave our baggage in his apartment. Unfortunately, due to other reasons we wouldn't be able to sleep there. We reasoned that since it was New Years Eve, we shouldn't be sleeping much anyway. We ventured out to find somewhere besides Times Square. Battery Park promised fireworks but we got tired of waiting for them and we journeyed to find Allison's friends who claimed to be somewhere around 49th and 8th in Times Square. We could only get as close as 39th and 8th. Fact: You cannot fit 10,000 people within 4 streets. It just isn't feasible.
We left without seeing the aforementioned friends and headed to our next destination that was named Webster Hall, a dance club who was featuring Nero, the dubstep remix master. Fact #2 Cramming too many people into a dark confined place filled with lasers and pumping bass, $5 waters and no cool air isn't as easy as it sounds. We danced and made new memories with the people around us for a few hours until neither Allison or I could breathe and we parted from that Dubstep haven.
We ventured to a pizza place that will forever hold a special place in mine and Cody's hearts for a reason wearing a Rolex and black high-heels and soon we went back to the Village, headed to a coffee shop we had fallen in love with the day previous and proceeded to stay from their opening at 9am to around 1pm when we retrieved our belongings from our com-padre's. Then we ventured to China-town where the bus taking us home would be picking us up that next evening.
We could hardly move and we got one of the only hotel rooms left in China-town and slept soundly for quite a few hours until Allison and I decidedly ventured out yet again, only this time to Queens to visit a dear friend- Jordan.
That evening was filled with laughs, wine, stories, jokes, hugs and promises. We could hardly stand how fantastic that night was. Jordan, if you're reading this, Thank you for such a wonderful night- you don't know how needed it was on my part, even besides the trip. My life needed a new start and new friends and new moments, just of that nature.
We headed home on the subway as I cooed about the movie moments occurring in my head, back to China-town. That next day we attacked with the vigor we thought was lost. Central Park, a late start to a museum, more walking, a perfect couple of restaurants for our last days meals, a few great pictures, magical moments, good friends.
We ate in China and Italy that day. We shopped in New York. We walked next to a lake and then caught a bus near Brooklyn that took us home. A place we couldn't be far enough away from about a week ago, yet we now longed for its embrace.
Home.
North Carolina.
Absolutely nothing like New York and we wouldn't want it any other way.

To sum up:
We went.
We saw.
We survived.
We made it back.

New York, you WILL see me again. And I shall conquer you next time. Don't you worry.



Thanks for an epic survival trip Al and Cody. Seriously.