I have spent a very long time without writing and I feel like now is a good time to do so.
...It figures that it's 4am.
Something new has risen up, that which I'm trying to ignore... A crush.
I think I've got a crush on a person who will probably end up marrying the girl he's dating.
Thank god it's only a crush right?
A few other things that have been going on with me lately? I just finished designing my very first show! Even if it was only the Freshman Showcase, I can rightfully say that I designed it. I love that feeling... Also I'm working props for Noises Off which goes up this upcoming weekend.
Another thing, I think I'm slowly getting tired of Justin and his antics. You know sometimes I feel like I'm 10 years older than him and then sometimes he treats me like a 6yr old. I'm not sure where our balance has gone, we used to be so sympatico but I'm just sad and missing him and I feel like if he was up here, he'd panic. I feel as if he just wouldn't be able to handle the whole "living on your own" thing. Or taking care of himself? let alone having or keeping a girlfriend. I feel like he'd be like a rogue 8 year old in a candy/icecream shop with X amount of money. I can't be his mother and he's not my boyfriend. He can do whatever the hell he wants but he can't feed off of me. I open myself to everyone and letting one person crawl in and try to live there just doesn't compute in my book.
But this semester, it looks like I'm commiting myself to my department heavily. I'm blanket designing the New Play Festival, I may or may not be auditioning for RENT, and I want to be the Understudy Chair for APO. Also I want to apply into the Art department... Good lord, what free time again?
I think I may have sworn off of romance/physicality and relationships for a while. I feel as though I can't handle that at this current time and plus after my revealing conversation with Emily and Grayson, I may have gone a bit too far off the deep end sexually.
I'm kind of ashamed of myself. I love too fast and I long for someone.
I always have and I've come to terms with the latter.
Until I can find that person who would do just about anything to be with me, I can't. I can't do it anymore. The loneliness is killing me and I have no idea what I could even do to solve that.
Maybe I didn't want to solve it.
Maybe I wanted someone else to solve it.
Goddamnit I'm not making sense- half a bottle of wine will do that to you I guess.
But I have to say, I really hope that my friendship with Joseph blooms into something awesome. I like where it's going, I mean honestly the boy keeps quiet during movies, yet knows the perfect spot in which to quote them. We giggle like we were in kindergarten about stupid dancer freshmen. We pretty comfortable already which is pretty awesome. Boy has some wild ass hair too. Can't go wrong with wild ass hair. Somehow we managed to talk about Europe for like 2 hours. Not to mention we can respect each others personal space which I have to say is a plus.
And don't judge me, but I checked out astrological compatibility.
Usually that means that I'm crazy into some person I just met but not in this case- I think that considering he's a Taurus and I'm a Cancer and the internet says that that matchup is "soul-mate material" I can see our friendship just amassing on crazy awesome levels.
To be honest, I won't lie- I can see me marrying someone like Joseph. I doubt "he's the one" but hey, he can set a bar can't he?
This is gonna sound stupid, but you know- I want 'the one' to be soon. I'm starting to hope for it. I don't know if I'd want to get married right now, but I think that I wouldn't mind getting married soon.
It won't happen but at least I've already gotten my wedding all planned out. #thankspinterest
You know something though? I don't like sharing my bed unless the other cuddles with me.
And for right now, Bear is winning that competition. :)
#swearingofflove
#wineflowslikeloveblows
#mygiantteddybear
#mychildrenwillhaveafrosandlikeit
#theatreislife
#crushessuck
#idontknowwhattodo
#fightclub
#soulmatesareonlyinfairytales
#lifeiswhatyoumakeit
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