Making the separating between different love is difficult.
I'm learning that the hard way.
At some point I did indeed fall for a friend of mine and our friendship bloomed into something that I don't think I can ever forget.
He fell for my friend.
Reality bit me.
Our friendship is so strong with him and I, that I just got a tattoo in honor of him and the struggle he's been through because I've had this feeling that he and I will always be friends. No matter what.
Right now, I've told him that I needed to add space to our friendship because it was to save it.
From me.
I can promise you that if I don't do this, then the results may be completely astronomical.
Not to mention there is no way in hell that a guy like him and a girl like me would ever be able to be copacetic together. I just need to get it through my thick head that our types don't match. Thus why we're such good friends.
I've lost it. He's with her and I hate to be that third wheel to invite myself when they would like the precious alone time together. But I don't want to "vie for his affections" because I wasn't raised to be that way. I was raised to be independent and not need someone.
Well it looks like "that girl" is coming back.
And I had been so excited to have him come up here... But now, I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes because I don't want him to think that I want to monopolize his time when he clearly wants to spend it with someone else.
I'm not really sure what to do in this situation- staying home has been my main defense.
But NO. I refuse to become third fiddle when he stays with me and eats my food and asks my council because all of his energy is focused on someone else. The only way that I can deal with it is to realize that I'm crazy and I need to get a grip.
Maybe I'm just crazy.
I'm probably just crazy.
I feel crazy.
This is stupid.
I've got to be crazy.
I am crazy. That's it. I'm a crazy jealous bitch who doesn't know how to deal with her life.
I wish I had someone to pursue me. Yep, I'm a jealous bitch who can't be happy for anyone else because her own life is fucked up.
All I've Ever wanted was a confidante.
He and I became that for each other and then he started out for her.
I no longer feel so much like a confidante but something to bide his time before she gets off work. But now I'm not letting myself feel that way so I go to work and class and not let myself have any part of that.
I need to paint. I need to eat food, drink water, socialize with someone who I'm not so dependent on.
Yes, I feel dependent on him. But what do I depend on him for? Compliments? Hugs? Someone to listen to me on occaision? What about this occaision? I can't see him wanting to listen to any of this. I see him saying "No No NO. I LOVE you and that's that". Okay.......? Sometimes just saying it isn't enough. Just saying it, it just turns to words.
And I know he depends on me but for what. I haven't been able to figure that out yet. Company outside of Mooresville. Poptarts. Someone to tell that they aren't coming home because they're cuddling with someone else. I think he and I just got too close.
Maybe I'm trying to fill the void I have from losing Mom? Sounds like something a therapist would say to me come to think of it.
Jesus christ, I need a change already. I'm starting to get that feeling like I need to leave this country again. Go somewhere completely different where no one knows me.
I look at the relationship he and I have and I love it. I love how we act around each other and how we can confide in each other. I love the fact that we can just sit together and I love the fact that when he doesn't feel great, he lets me worry. I love that I have someone to buy presents for and to not be able to wait to see. I love that he hugs me. He has no idea how even goddamn grateful I am to have him in my life.
But I still refuse to be third fiddle. I'm not that sort of person.
I'm just crazy. I guess that's it.
Time to paint then.
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