untitled.

I don't want a niche. I want my own place to breathe. I could give a shit about clubs and events you want me to go to.

Ever since Mom died, I've developed a "I could give 2 goddamn shits about you" attitude. Some call it bad manners, some call it dangerous, my therapist called it a way to cope, but I call it self-preservation.

Stop trying to pull me into your little world, there's so much more out there than the drama and bullshit you want me to buy into. There's a world outside of what you call important right now. Nothing's THAT important. All that matters is staying sane and protecting yourself.
That's what I have to do all the time.
I walk across what I consider a safe campus with my back always watched. "Don't walk by yourself, it's dangerous..." Pfft, I can take care of myself. I challenge anyone, myself even to prove this.
Go ahead, fuck with me. I'll fuck you up, if I have to. But I won't have to.

I've grown a sort of icy exterior that looks angry, sounds angry and in all honesty, is kind of angry.

I'm not self mutilating in anyway, I'm just sick and fucking tired of giving a shit about all the bullshit that doesn't actually matter. Getting angry at clubs for not giving a fuck? Getting yelled at for trying to exist outside of a bullshit system that I'll be stuck in for another 3 years? Yeah. Fuck you and get the fuck out.

Nice Emily went out the window in August.
This one's here to stay.

She like old angry punk music and dubstep.
She walks with a goddamn purpose.
If her old self could see her now, she'd call her a badass.
She's internally hurt others and herself too many times to count.
Her best friend and only person who's given two shits about her was taken away from her.
They fought and bitched and screamed and had a GREAT FUCKING TIME. Sometimes each other wished each other dead. But that didn't stop them from loving the shit out of each other.
Yeah, this one right here, she's mad. And she's ready to take on the entire fucking world, so come at me bro.

I've got caffeine in my system and a fight in my stomach. My fists are already clenched and my teeth are grinding together. I'll snap, but not in front of you- who the fuck do you think you are to think that you deserve even That courtesy? Fuck you.

There's not much I believe in, but what I believe in is strong. That's myself. I believe that one of these days, you'll all hear my name and wish that you'd fucking given me the time of day. Nope, not silly little Emily. She's not serious enough for me. She loves people and hugs them too much. You know what? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AND EVER HUG I'VE EVER GIVEN. You didn't deserve the affection I expressed with that hug.

HAH. I'm too immature. YOU deal with no parents. No past to be remembered. And a future that you have to look out for your own goddamn self. Have fun getting care packages from your parents. Have fun dealing with your drug problems, your future alcohol abuse, lack of motivation and potential or rather likely depression from having two loving parents you only care about you and your best interests. Have fun with that.

Get the fuck away from me and watch how I excel past you because I have to make my own decisions. And figure out how my life is going to pan out with just about no one's help.
Go ahead and FUCKING WATCH ME.

You want a pep talk? Not feeling good enough because you feel your parents and your aunts and uncles and grandparents don't love you enough? MAYBE THEY HAVE GOOD REASON.

Fuck you, fuck off and get the fuck out.


I'm done with dealing with shitheads. Broaden your goddamn perspectives, open your fucking eyes and do something that isn't in your GODDAMN COMFORT ZONE. MAYBE, YOU COULD ACTUALLY ACHIEVE SOMETHING USEFUL. There ya go, you shithead, now you've made something that maybe even YOU could be proud of.



Get the fuck out of my face.

When it rains, I just stroll...

This school year.
GAH.

This year has been stupid and crazy and unnecessary to be completely honest. I would love to rewind, go back to the beginning of the summer and redo just about everything.

But no, you can't do that unless you're.. Doctor Who, I mean, yes David Tennant is great but still, no can do senorita.

I guess it hasn't been HORRIBLE in retrospect. There's been some things that make me want to hide away and cry forever... But I just have to let myself hear my mom in my head saying "Anything and everything makes you stronger in the end". She's entirely too right sometimes.
I miss her like crazy, ya know.

*thoughtful thinking break*



You know what's funny? The people who have it all together, right now, they're experiencing what my whole life has been. Spread-too-thin, cluttered, busy, tiring, and just overall- restless.
For the first time, I'm not doing that to myself.
I still remember back in 6th grade: grandmas in the morning, bus to school, garden club, after school Tae Kwon Do practice, then off to swim team, home for dinner and homework until I remember there's a science fair next week with a project I need to work on.
I have always been busy, my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but in the end- you get so tired. And tired of being so tired. You're brain doesn't stop and you start to notice just how alone you've made yourself even when you try to do everything to get friends or to be a part of something but then you end up once again by yourself... I feel like that at the end of the days here sometimes. I'm surrounded by people but there's just so much to do, I can't stay in one place. And I doubt this is making sense, but who knows.

I push people away because it's hard for me to differentiate between everything going on in my head. I'm an absolute fucking oxymoron. I want someone but can't focus on just that or combine it with all of the things I'm doing. Ohmahgod.


Well shit.