Not so Usual....

Alright. Life Recap:

I'm getting over being so sad. Life will and has gone on. :)
and wow.. Tonight has for sure been interesting.

People are happy around me :) which I'm happy for them! Of course!

But god, I just had a conversation with Erin (and mom sorta).. It's wierd. I feel like I'm falling behind...
But I guess some people aren't cut out for long term relationships. Don't give me that bullshit of "you're just waiting for Mr Right". I really can't stand it when people tell me that.

I'm going to be fine. I'll settle eventually. And I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being a realist. Because eventually you end up settling for someone. Or that person moves on and goes on with their lives without you.
I'm scared of being one of those people. I'm scared I'll turn into my dad. And I don't want to do that. OR I'm scared that the person I fall madly in love with, will do what he did. I don't want to be hurt. It's more of that I'm scared to since I haven't really ever had that. Honestly I no longer count Austin because he and I had a great 4 months but... I don't know. I look back at it and it was so full of mistakes. So many things I did wrong. I always wonder what it might be like if he and I were still together but then I think, how? How would we still be together if I had been lying to myself? I don't know. It's a funny situation.
I would love to be pursued though. It's tough watching so many of my friends getting married and being in love and etc. I want that. I want to be in love with a best friend.

But everyone knows that's just a fairytale. That hardly ever happens. Because there will always be issues, people will always get on my nerves, my "better half" will get sick of it, not see the point of continuing and leave. Everyone always leaves.

Good Lord that's morbid. But at the moment, there's not a lot for me to look up to.

Tonight was interesting though... I listened to my friend Andrew Black about his crazy love life. He's in love with a girl who for some reason cannot love him back. I don't know why... considering he's attractive, funny, WAY too goofy for his own good, and has a Huge romantic heart. The poor boy is unfortunately head over heels and has no way of getting out of it.


So I'm sitting here thinking, "Hmm what if Andrew and I went out? We have a lot in common!" but it's got nothing to do with that anyway. It's all about the attraction.
Him and I could be absolutely great friends though. I need to quit being desparate and focus on me. Projects, writing, auditioning, working out (SO I CAN FIT IN MY DRESS!!! PLEASE!!), hanging out with friends and not ever searching for a Beau.


I'm prepared to go back to "best friend" status.
Here goes...

You Can Call me Al...

Life gets ya down.
I guess I'm the perfect example.
Erin bought a lot of my Actual issues to light last night, thank god. I was worried for myself honestly. I haven't been that bad since freshman year of high school. I don't like being like that, I don't believe that it's healthy. But crying is and getting everything out and on the table is. I feel decently better today, after talking to Erin and also actually to Cameron. He tried... I could tell, which means he cares, at least a little.

But at least today was better.

I just want this semester to finish up fast.
with okay days and okay everything else....

Just sleeping to dream...

I think I used up all my good karma... It's kind of a sad feeling. I need something to look forward to, to inspire me, to give me hope. I need someone to hold.

While I wear this ridickulous hat and sweats and my eyes unfocus as I just start to type. I realize that I need someone and I need someone to need me. I hate feeling alone. I need something to look forward to. I hate bringing people down especially when I'm sad. I hate being sad. I want so badly just to hold someone. And the more I want or need someone, the further that person goes away. I can feel it. Because I need to be back in love with myself and life and then that person will find me. I feel like they're close but I have no idea who it is at all. But all I know is that I want this to stop and I want to be myself again. I hate this feeling. I just want to sleep for like 6 months. No food, no water, just sleep. This weekend will consist of that. Maybe I can steal the room for a while on saturday and ask shane if he wants to come over. I don't know, I almost feel like him and I are forced. Or we're trying too hard. Or even Cam. I just want someone who wants me. Which is NEVER going to happen. I'm going to end up like Coach Beast from Glee, huge and scary and old and most likely in a job that I hate. That's such a bright future in front of me. God, it makes me so FUCKING EXCITED to get to wait to do that. I hate this. I hate this so much. I love everything about my life except for myself right now. There is so much I'd change about myself right now. And I bet there's no one in the universe who'd keep me the way I am. I'm going to be that one person every 1000 years who can't/won't find her matching person. I bet mine was some soldier in Iraq that got killed there. There ya go, I'm a Pre-Widow. AWESOME. I hate this. I just want a hug... A kiss on the cheek? A loving glance... A quiet embrace that reassures me about everything. GOD I FUCKING HATE THIS. MAKE IT STOPPP!! I just want to cry right now. I want so badly for everyone else to be happy and just end it for me. Everyone else has motivation. What's mine??? That's right, I don't have any!! I just want to go away. I don't want to be by myself anymore. I can't do this. I used to be so self-sufficient. I used to not believe that you truely needed anybody to be happy. But that is so far from right... I want to cry. I want to kill everyone who tells me how fucking happy they are. I want to shoot them until they stop twitching. I hate this. I'm not like this EVER. But right now, I don't even know. Someone please help? I'm crying out right now because I just want a damn hug that doesn't feel fake...

Someone catch me because I'm falling..
My heart hurts. I want so badly just to talk to someone. Help.

Holy Rusted Metal Batman!

My brain hurts and I'm conflicted and I can't seem to wrap my mind around anything that I feel needs a descision. I won't lie, I love life and I love all of my friends and I love the opportunities that have been ...thrusted? upon me. I'm so incredibly thankful that I live in Boone and get two jobs and can party without too many consequences but I miss my old friends. I DO NOT miss high school, but I miss like..Frankie and Beege and just hanging out with them but I feel like something doesn't click like it used to? I have to admit, selling my soul to the theatre department hasn't been quite as rewarding as I originally planned on it being. I miss being able to play frisbee and I miss being not-busy all the time and just hanging with people instead of having to plan every minute of my life out. It gets so tiring that I just want to be by myself, or just get a text from someone asking if I want to hang out. I no longer get those texts. I feel like no one cares. But then if I EVER let on to that I get this response: "oh... well I know that your super busy... I just don't try anymore". You know what? I TRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME TO TRY AND HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE. I TRY ALL THE TIME. I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO TRY ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED. I JUST WANT A FRIEND WHO'S THERE.... Oh wait, I have a couple like that. And they're in the Theatre department. They listen to me and hear me rant and they give me hugs and will text me to ask if I want to go get Mexican or if I want to take a Last-second trip to Raleigh to go see a show, and oh wait, Don't worry about the ticket, I already bought it for you so you Can see it!... I feel like my friends that I used to have are slowly dissapating and it depresses me. It's not that I hate them, it's not that I don't have time for them, and it's not like I Don't Have Any free time. It's because they no longer want to make the effort. And honestly, I don't give a shit. If people no longer want to even... make the effort? then I could care Even less. I ALWAYS make the effort. I WANT to make the effort. And me being busy isn't something that I didn't choose. Yes, I want to be busy and I have specific reasons but honestly I have plenty of free time. If people want to hang out with me, Go right on ahead. But since they apparently could care less, it's no skin off my nose.
I don't know... I'm feeling more and more appathetic these days. I'm just tired of not being able to rely on anyone outside of Theatre. I feel safe in my Chapell Wilson. But I'm just tired and want someone to make an effort to me...
Maybe I just want..a significant other. I know I've been trying to hard. I'm lonely. I'm busy, and stuck on this damn island. I've been stuck on this island for so long and would like to join the real world and not be so paranoid. The only time I don't feel paranoid is when I'm with Allison and Colleen. Like, I know and they know that we unconditionally love each other and I fit with them. It's weird because I've never fit like that with people. I'm always the one that is outside that loop but I fit in with them. And that's basically all I want I guess. But I want someone who I feel likes me not for ..other reasons.. but likes me for me. And I'm sure I've said that PLENTY of times but it's just like, Cam and I went out and got dinner at Hob Nob yesterday. It was fun because it wasn't like "is this a date? is this something else??" it was relaxed and we just talked and then we went to the BeansTalk and he taught and proceeded to kick my ass in checkers and then in chess (even though I won) and ask the 8 ball questions and just lounge. After that we went to the Hookah bar and chilled and kinda snuggled and just relaxed. He makes me so chilled out that when I think of him I smile :) But then once we decided to leave we went to his apartment, watched V for Vendetta and then I stayed over and we passed out. We're just friends and I love it this way. No more sexually charged energy as there should be and we just hung out. It was just nice to know that I have a friend like that.. And he isn't gay and he's attractive. It's nice :)

I am tired though of pushing myself to find someone though. I guess I just want some one to talk to. I have Allison and Colleen but I want someone to kiss and to snuggle with and someone to goof around with and to watch movies with and just overall be with. I am in love with the idea of love... Yet, I cannot seem to locate it's position in my life. And this is sad/bad/not glad of me to say this but at the moment, ALL of the people I'm friends with that are in relationships make me ill. I still love them but I physically cannot deal with it. For me at the moment, it's like something that you want so badly being dangled in front of you and to them it's fucking hilarious. Cutsy makes me want to strangle people. I cannot stand it. This week "Romeo and Juliet" opened and yes, I was working for it and seriously, I just had to remind myself, "they all die in the end..." That's HORRIBLE but it was the only thing to keep me from walking out of the theatre, even though the show is being done by ALL OF MY FRIENDS. My roommate had a boyfriend and she was upset because he never called her/texted/emailed/etc (long distance relationship) and she broke up with him, I felt better for her, but I was also sort of glad. And again, that's SO BAD to say... I feel like such an awful person for exposing all of this but I needed to say it. I couldn't just hold it in. I'm admitting that I need/want a boyfriend. And I really just don't know what to do. I want to be pursued, not be the pursuer. Colleen told me that I deserved to be pursued and I want so badly to agree but it's never happened to me in a way that wasn't I guess, creepy? I don't know. I just am so tired of making all the descisions. Please let there be someone who will make descisions for me!!

*sigh*

I think I might be done ranting. My mind seems a little lighter now... God, I need something good that will change my life for the better. Please? I'd appreciate it. But take your time. I don't want to rush you :)