My brain hurts and I'm conflicted and I can't seem to wrap my mind around anything that I feel needs a descision. I won't lie, I love life and I love all of my friends and I love the opportunities that have been ...thrusted? upon me. I'm so incredibly thankful that I live in Boone and get two jobs and can party without too many consequences but I miss my old friends. I DO NOT miss high school, but I miss like..Frankie and Beege and just hanging out with them but I feel like something doesn't click like it used to? I have to admit, selling my soul to the theatre department hasn't been quite as rewarding as I originally planned on it being. I miss being able to play frisbee and I miss being not-busy all the time and just hanging with people instead of having to plan every minute of my life out. It gets so tiring that I just want to be by myself, or just get a text from someone asking if I want to hang out. I no longer get those texts. I feel like no one cares. But then if I EVER let on to that I get this response: "oh... well I know that your super busy... I just don't try anymore". You know what? I TRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME TO TRY AND HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE. I TRY ALL THE TIME. I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO TRY ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED. I JUST WANT A FRIEND WHO'S THERE.... Oh wait, I have a couple like that. And they're in the Theatre department. They listen to me and hear me rant and they give me hugs and will text me to ask if I want to go get Mexican or if I want to take a Last-second trip to Raleigh to go see a show, and oh wait, Don't worry about the ticket, I already bought it for you so you Can see it!... I feel like my friends that I used to have are slowly dissapating and it depresses me. It's not that I hate them, it's not that I don't have time for them, and it's not like I Don't Have Any free time. It's because they no longer want to make the effort. And honestly, I don't give a shit. If people no longer want to even... make the effort? then I could care Even less. I ALWAYS make the effort. I WANT to make the effort. And me being busy isn't something that I didn't choose. Yes, I want to be busy and I have specific reasons but honestly I have plenty of free time. If people want to hang out with me, Go right on ahead. But since they apparently could care less, it's no skin off my nose.
I don't know... I'm feeling more and more appathetic these days. I'm just tired of not being able to rely on anyone outside of Theatre. I feel safe in my Chapell Wilson. But I'm just tired and want someone to make an effort to me...
Maybe I just want..a significant other. I know I've been trying to hard. I'm lonely. I'm busy, and stuck on this damn island. I've been stuck on this island for so long and would like to join the real world and not be so paranoid. The only time I don't feel paranoid is when I'm with Allison and Colleen. Like, I know and they know that we unconditionally love each other and I fit with them. It's weird because I've never fit like that with people. I'm always the one that is outside that loop but I fit in with them. And that's basically all I want I guess. But I want someone who I feel likes me not for ..other reasons.. but likes me for me. And I'm sure I've said that PLENTY of times but it's just like, Cam and I went out and got dinner at Hob Nob yesterday. It was fun because it wasn't like "is this a date? is this something else??" it was relaxed and we just talked and then we went to the BeansTalk and he taught and proceeded to kick my ass in checkers and then in chess (even though I won) and ask the 8 ball questions and just lounge. After that we went to the Hookah bar and chilled and kinda snuggled and just relaxed. He makes me so chilled out that when I think of him I smile :) But then once we decided to leave we went to his apartment, watched V for Vendetta and then I stayed over and we passed out. We're just friends and I love it this way. No more sexually charged energy as there should be and we just hung out. It was just nice to know that I have a friend like that.. And he isn't gay and he's attractive. It's nice :)
I am tired though of pushing myself to find someone though. I guess I just want some one to talk to. I have Allison and Colleen but I want someone to kiss and to snuggle with and someone to goof around with and to watch movies with and just overall be with. I am in love with the idea of love... Yet, I cannot seem to locate it's position in my life. And this is sad/bad/not glad of me to say this but at the moment, ALL of the people I'm friends with that are in relationships make me ill. I still love them but I physically cannot deal with it. For me at the moment, it's like something that you want so badly being dangled in front of you and to them it's fucking hilarious. Cutsy makes me want to strangle people. I cannot stand it. This week "Romeo and Juliet" opened and yes, I was working for it and seriously, I just had to remind myself, "they all die in the end..." That's HORRIBLE but it was the only thing to keep me from walking out of the theatre, even though the show is being done by ALL OF MY FRIENDS. My roommate had a boyfriend and she was upset because he never called her/texted/emailed/etc (long distance relationship) and she broke up with him, I felt better for her, but I was also sort of glad. And again, that's SO BAD to say... I feel like such an awful person for exposing all of this but I needed to say it. I couldn't just hold it in. I'm admitting that I need/want a boyfriend. And I really just don't know what to do. I want to be pursued, not be the pursuer. Colleen told me that I deserved to be pursued and I want so badly to agree but it's never happened to me in a way that wasn't I guess, creepy? I don't know. I just am so tired of making all the descisions. Please let there be someone who will make descisions for me!!
*sigh*
I think I might be done ranting. My mind seems a little lighter now... God, I need something good that will change my life for the better. Please? I'd appreciate it. But take your time. I don't want to rush you :)
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