I mean it sort of feels that way, but honestly I have nothing to complain about... I'm happy (for the most part), healthy (basically), and in good standings... I'm just exhausted!
And it's not even my schedule really, it's just all of the emotional/mental shit that I'm putting myself through. There's so much that just won't get off my mind. Which makes it harder for Emily to get through the day.
Let's see... I'm sort of involved with someone? I don't know, right now I'm a little uneasy about it... I see bad things but then I just don't see to mind them? But I guess it's when you're jealous of other people that's when you know it's not very good. I don't know.
I see so many of my coupley friends and I think "I want that..." but then it seems to be hard to come by in my book. I don't understand. People seem to think that I'm not that kind of person who just wants someone to miss her, since everyone else needs someone to miss them.
Today, I got a backrub. I NEVER get backrubs. Brian Chavez is absolutely wonderful and I would do anything for someone who might think of me without me having to remind him... I just want to be thought of. And that's apparently too much to ask.
And what's funny is that I always want to think of other people.. I would love to just give you a backrub or hug you when you don't feel good, rush over because I'm worried about you, or just feel like messaging you when I suddenly think or am reminded of an old memory of you... I don't like asking for anything.
But sometimes you need to. Sometimes you need that one person in a day to just.. think of you.
I'm FUCKING tired of doing everything.
I'm tired of everything.
I'm tired of ...
complaining.
I hate complaining. I hate myself for thinking of myself and wanting to vent and wanting to be curious if anyone actually cares without freaking out about it and automatically try and fix whatever the hell it is that's wrong. I just want someone who can calmly listen and then give me a hug if they see fit and actually realize that yes, She's upset, she has issues but who doesn't? She's not going to listen if I tell her what to do. She's going to make sure that I'm okay first...
Because that's what I do.
Fuck my problems. They don't have any relevence, worth, or meaning.
But I know that's not true because that's me being selfish again... and I Still can't stand people who are so self-centered that they look at you, know something is wrong but say nothing about it, hoping it will go away. Then they continue telling you their problems. Because that's exactly what I want to hear right now...
Good fuckin lord. SERIOUSLY. I'm tired of people. There's only a couple of people who really understand what I'm getting on about. I could name them probably on one hand.
But not now.
They know who they are.
*sigh*
Is it wierd or wrong to feel alone when you are "with" someone?
I do. I don't know, I've found one of those kind of people who, honestly couldn't give a shit about other people but worries about it occaisionally. And thinks mainly of themself when they know someone is feeling like shit. I don't know if I can do this... I need someone who actually misses me when I'm gone... Or someone who... I don't know... Wants me? God dammnit it all.
I feel like such a fucking quitter it's incredible.
When I look at my friends with cute boyfriends I wonder, "what the FUCK must I be doing wrong??" and don't you DARE say "don't worry! :) someone will come your way..." Yeah, my Foot will be coming your way.. Damn...
But it's like okay, they seem to LOVE being around you, they play around and can make you smile. I must be doing something wrong. I know I am. Because I may get close to a guy and then suddenly realize either the worst or they realize there's greener pastures.
This routine is getting old.
I would love to be pleasantly surprised maybe... Maybe with someone who Actually Likes me. Someone who Could very possibly miss me? Someone who isn't afraid to just be normal and crazy and themselves. With me.
I just don't get it really...
And well that's my rant. Thanks.
