Every damn year.

I'm beginning to be convinced that I'm doing something wrong..


There's something wrong with me that makes it so that people don't want me.

I hate being around people on the holidays especially when they're in a relationship.

Now that I've had time to take a breath... Let's continue.

'Sup blogosphere..

Finals are over. This hell of a semester is over and I'm vegging out.
Ahhh and look at that: it's 5:24am.

Took a shower, watched ALL of the LOTR movies today. (except the Hobbit WHICH I CANT WAIT TO SEE!!) and I just finished watching the Hunger Games.
Total veg mode.

I would like to apologize about my ranting in the last entry.. Sometimes writing is the only way I can remember how to let off steam... I miss my punching bag like crazy.

So update! I'm getting my new tattoo tomorrow! It's the sea otter design with all of the women's initials in my immediate family. It's gonna look amazing and I can't freaking wait. Rich said he'd also put the Deathly hallows symbol on my ankle too so I guess actually I'm getting 2 tomorrow... I'm really excited and I feel like I should bring a book. Maybe it's a good idea to bring the Hobbit. I could read it to Rich- hahahahahaha that would be fucking hilarious.

'Nothah update- I'm going home on Tuesday. Til like January 9th. Cue release of tension: now...
And weirdly enough I've got most of my shit together for Christmas and stuff. I've got my list and I think it's gonna be a GOOD Christmas if the world doesn't end in like 5 days.
Hey- if it screeches to a halt, at least I will be with my family. That's honestly all that matters in my opinion. I plan on clutching Lise and Chloe and Berit and Rose close when that moment supposedly will hit. Who really knows if anything will happen. But I can tell people are getting antsy about it. It's rough thinking that the world is going to end. And right before Christmas, nonetheless.

I have a feeling like SOMETHING is going to happen. Mass suicide? Or the locus's will come or maybe a MASSIVE earthquake in California? Dude I really can't even begin to tell you what.
MAYBE I shouldn't have had that third cup of coffee like 3 hours ago... Hmmmm... Well let's see what I'm thankful for right now.

-I have a beautifully loving dysfunctional family
-I'm alive and healthy and strong
-My relationship with my Dad is getting much better
-I've decided where I want my future to head
-I managed to see a lot of Europe and fall in love with it
-I'm not afraid of pain or dying anymore
-I'm confident in most of my skills
-Uncle Don has helped me not worry about money as much, therefore taking weight off of my family.
-North Carolina is my home and Boone is my bed.
-My movie collection is MASSIVE and relatively thorough.
-I am two major positions in Alpha Psi Omega (VP & UC) and can be trusted to fullfill them well.
-I'm actually happy to be here. 

Fuck me, it's almost 6 and Bridgman will be here at 10:30. I need to go to bed...

**To those who read this: I love you. Even when it seems for me that all is lost in the darkness, love lights the way and leads me to you and your illumination.
So thank you. <3 br="br">

Don't read this one. It's not worth it.

I'm having a hard time.

I don't want to do this shit anymore. I don't want to worry about money and schoolwork and people and personifications and bullshit. I'm tired of the ultimate goal and the people I'm dealing with.

I feel very alone in this whole situation.

I'm tired of being quite so different and so fucking tired of all of this shit. I'm going to end up just like those people I feel bad for... The ones who can't seem to keep up with they're life and I'm turning into that exact person.

Why don't I get that fairytale prince and the parents to help me at every turn? Why do I have to face this godforsaken world all by myself?

"But you aren't alone! You've got [then they list off so-and-so and so-and-so]!"
Yeah, but name three people who would probably do anything for you at the drop of a hat?

Your mom.
Your dad.
Your significant other.

None of which I truly have.

My aunt's trying... My dad could basically give a shit. Significant other? Yeah now that's funny.

On the outside I play the happy go lucky, 'Hey I'll do that for you so that you're not so stressed!', 'Aww let me help YOU feel better about your life' girl.

Being Her is so goddamn exhausting that I can't seem to fix and keep up with my own goddamn life. Somehow I keep forgetting shit that's due.
Or classes, I can't seem to keep in my head what time my fucking classes are.
I'm losing my mind.

I feel like I'm just absolutely losing it and I'm just going to end up failing.
My goal at the moment is to not have a breakdown everyday.

Oh wait, too late- already had one today.

My ...friends? Yeah I can't seem to find them. So like I said, who do I have to rely on?
Dude, beats me.



I've had a lot of people be like "Dude, wtf?" in reference to my attitude.
Honestly I don't know "double-u tee eff". So quit fucking asking.

OYrvywoBAEGUBqg
I JUST WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I don't want Justin and his happy little unreality either.
I don't want Allison's hellhole of a job and half existence either.
I want Mike to stop fucking complaining to me about that "girl" he's obsessed with, yet turn to me and claim to want me. 
I JUST WANT THIS ALL TO STOP.
I could give a fuck about exams. Or school. Or class.
But I can't go home.
Whatever, whereever that is anymore.
Home isn't home.
It's not.
My friends aren't friends. They're freeloaders. At least the last couple have been... Freeloaders of my emotions, money, home and speaking of home- I hate the home I'm in now. MOTHERfucker. My roommate is about as welcoming and friendly as her poor angry hedgehog.
I feel like I tresspass in my own "home". I've dug myself into this godforsaken hole so hard that I can't see daylight anymore. What the hell is wrong with me.
Someone please help me..
I'm done.