Welcome Home...

Being home is.... not what I expected. I feel like I've packed away a time capsule with my family and home inside. Like nothing has changed but people have somehow gotten different. It's wierd. But not even really.

I noticed this little notebook on the coffee table and figured Mom had written in it. So I opened it and in the back, the last like 5 pages were filled with her writing. It kind of made me sad to read what she wrote... It was back when she was with my dad and before they had split up. It was basically her absolutely terrified of the real world and going out and getting a job. She felt like she could be a writer but she was too scared to send anything in. She said she felt lost and didn't realize how difficult a mundane life would end up being. So basically why try anymore?

I never realized how lost she felt and how unsure of herself she was. I mean, I myself am pretty damn sure of myself most of the time and I suppose I've gotten that from my dad. But damn, I know for a fact, I don't want to end up like how my mom feels. That would kill me on the inside. I have been in that position where I felt trapped and I wouldn't be able to do that for a living. I need to always be moving or else I might keel over. A desk job is probably the last thing I would EVER see myself doing. Unless it was something that I truly loved and required me at a desk occaisionally. But good god, I know I am meant to do something that involves the Theatre. I know that for a fact.

Hahahaha right now I'm fullfilling my night and talking to my best friend and her ABSOLUTELY cute friend in California. This is ridiculous. She can make my day so much better. Even by us not talking. It's fantabulous :)

Night has been made. <3

Nothing is what it seems in this City of Dreams...

I like him.

I think I do at least. Because I've never felt like this before. I'm really confused on my emotions right now. It's wierd because we have chemistry but aren't like ALL over eachother. I feel like I can be myself around him. I Have been myself around him. I can see him while wearing sweats and also while wearing a skirt or whatever. I really like his hugs. I want to kiss him but anytime is okay with me. I don't get this because to me, I'm usually all over guys and then it just gets bad. But he seems to be alright with my craziness. I really kinda like this thing. I see myself being friends with him or I see him and I being something. I'd love that. I'd love if he and I were to become something. I feel like him and I are a good balence but oh my god, I'm so rambly right now. I've been thinking about him. Like over the weekend, I was shopping with my friend Audrey on King St and found a record store. I found an Elvis LP and bought it for him. I thought he might like it since he LOVES Elvis. I loved seeing his reaction when he saw it. It just made me happy in a mellow kind of way. I just wanted to do something nice for him that was nothing. I love records and yeah, I think he liked it. I'm always sad when I have to watch him leave. Like he had to go write a paper and I was going out with Allison and my friends for her birthday. Once we got back, I walked into the market and called him, suggesting (or rather asking to see him) a study break. And so we hung out in my dorm, and we just giggled and smiled and we do that. We sit and talk and laugh. Him and I are good at that. He is easy to make laugh and I love that. His face makes me laugh. Oh geez, I like him. I want so badly to say "Could we have a movie date soon?" I don't know why, I think it's the whole saying the word "date" that freaks guys out of it. But I keep seeing in my head a picture of him and I watching an old movie, me in his arms and him smiling. That's all. It's so damn sappy but it's just a nice thought. I'd love to just hold hands with the boy. He makes me want to just go slow. But damn, he's a freaking ladys' man. GEEZ. He is so damn charming it's ridiculous. BUT I let him know that his charms are cute. But I am immune :) Or maybe I'm not ;) I don't know. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to know how I feel but I'd almost rather keep it like this because I almost don't want to ruin the friendship we've got. I just think he's special in a goofy kind of way. I meant to show him that pair of Batman converse. I think he'd actually die if he saw those. I really just want to show up with them, all nonchalantly and be like, "oh yeah so I got some new shoes... you like?"

But that would be so mean :D I love this song right now, "Good Love " by The Last Goodnight. I honestly wish that he could just read my mind and see how I feel about this situation. Til then though, I'm going to watch movies with him, have dinners and lunches and snacks with him, go on walks with him, talk to him and laugh with him, think about him and generally that's about it. I really want one of his hugs right now :) Just a giant bearhug. But it's okay, he said he would hopefully see me tommorrow. And that makes me happy :)

He makes me happy :)

Even if he doesn't know it.

I'm pretty sure I have homework to do but I can't think of what it is.

Oh well.

Fuck my horrible memory.

ANYWAY... I had a decent day. Actually it was pretty great :)

Even though I woke up in such a grouchy mood, I couldn't stand it. I still decided to make it better. My friend Cam and I hung out for like 3 hours and it was great. I helped him with this amazing photography project and we just hung out and stuff. I love him :) He's just a sweetheart and *sigh* I want to hang out with him all the time. He's so chill and so adorable and just a nice person to hang with. He deals with my craziness and silliness in a way that's just like "Hey, I think that's awesome. And you rock.." and I just want to yell out with a happy little yell.

He makes my life.

Besides him, there aren't so many people I can just be like that with. But gaaahh I don't know. I'm in a space right now that I would love to fall into a relationship but I don't know how/if I could handle one. I hate being so busy. And I hate the fact that there's three guys in my life right now. Let's see: Ricky, Cam and Jordan all of a sudden. I don't get it. And poor Daniel... He wants CL so badly he can't stand it. I'm so tired of drama. I want to be in a relationship. But not. I don't know. But as I actually fall asleep, I must meander. Good night friend.

A Spaceship into an unknown galaxy...

I need a cuddle buddy. Any takers?

I would love someone to watch movies with.

I desire someone who yells at me then I can yell back but seconds later can make me smile.

I require attention. No kidding, I think everyone knows that.

Let's see,

I talk to much and tell some people everything, even without meaning to.

I am aware I'm not ...conventional when it comes to looks.

I understand that my personality and over confidence are over bearing.

Is anyone willing to take that on?

I suppose that's who I'm waiting for; that person who doesn't give a shit about what others think and could stand being themself for a change. Instead of the person everyone else has convinced them to be. That would be great.

And I'm looking for challengers...

God, I make it sound like a fucking competition... Honestly, I'm not that scary. Even thought everyone seems to think I am.

I need a good laugh.. I nap on the floor with a friend with nothing to do... THAT would be most magical to me right now :)

Actually any time to hang out with anyone is much loved.

I got to hang out with my Audrey and introduce her to A Very Potter Musical and played dress-up and ate snacks and slid down the hallway...

I miss that.

Thank god I'm back. Thank god I have some time to just myself.

Don't get me wrong, I love people but it's rough sometimes when you feel like an island in the middle of a city... I tend to feel isolated in a huge group of people. I'd rather be with just one person, despite how many people I may know. I can't wait to find that person I Can just be with and not even worry about life... I'm kinda tired of being that one person people are used to seeing by themselves. After a while they feel you're self-sufficient too so you don't need that reassurance, that kind word, a touch, a pat, just that genuine smile or laugh people don't show anymore.

I'm the sort of person who needs that, and yes, I can see through that fake smile and thoroughly through that fake facade you put on that obviously you would like me to leave you alone. Well I can do that.

Where are all the people who love unconditionally others, yet themselves too?

Where are all the people who might just like you for your personality and not make life something like out of a stupid, audience aimed blockbuster?

Where have all the knights gone who had that compassion and trust that shined just as brightly as the sun?

Where are all the people, living for today?

I just want to find that person... and I feel like they're close by.