2-D for me

I reread my mom's blog occaisionally.
Everytime I read
http://maren-rediscoveringaudacity.blogspot.com/2011/02/crap-day.html
I read it in her voice and it makes me cry.

I've been feeling entirely 2-Dimensional. I feel like I'm not really working towards anything anymore and I hate it. A lot of my goals were to show my mom that I Could live on my own, that I Could survive. And I know I can, it's just gotten to a point where I don't care. My therapist has helped me but there's so much in my head that, really, she doesn't even know.

I printed out my application for the study abroad.
I still have to design my Makeup project for tomorrow.
I need to write a proposal for APO and look for places for the show to perform, in like 2 weeks.

I feel like I'm starting to drown among all of this and when in retrospect, it's hardly anything I feel. It just seems like my mind is still reeling and won't stop. I get stuck on one thing and I don't want to focus. My brain's out of focus and goddamn it my back hurts like a son of a bitch.

It's sad when you start to realize things too. As in the fact that a lot of your friends are too afraid to step up and Physically be there when you obviously need a distraction.
I've taken to drinking a lot. I drink and drink and drink and I've begun to recognize the fact that it's just binge drinking. Yet, I was in a class thinking "How good would a hot chocolate with kaluha be right now?".
I never used to think that way.

Now I think I just want to sleep. Sleep and not think about anything. I really think that I need a vacation from everything. I need to get away from school, the people who say they're my friends but respond with blank faces, the situations I'm getting myself into, the commitments I've made but am starting to realize that it's difficult on my own, etc.

My head just wants to de-focus for a minute, but in me not letting it, it takes longer to focus than it used to.

I have fewer good days now. More just so-so days.
My head is screaming: "CHANGE SOMETHING NOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!"
but my body is saying: "But I just wanna curl up for a minute..."
and then my heart is pleading: "I've been broken. I need time... Just leave it all alone...."


I would kill for a cuddle buddy right about now. Just someone to hold on to so that the world stops spinning for a minute and maybe I can sleep...

Tired. Of. It. All.

It's like I don't want to live anymore.
My heart is broken and I don't know how to put it back together.
Mom was supposed to teach me how to do that when and IF I was ever to be with someone.
I don't really know where to go from here...

I'm sitting in the library, drinking a coffee and hiding behind my outlet of a blog.
I'm not suicidal, but I'm in danger of disappearing completely and I'm curious if anyone actually cares. I know that quite a few people who claim to care about me could really give a shit, but that's just life, you know?
If you aren't a specific way, no one could be bothered to consider you more than what you already are to them- a physical storage system for their memories or thoughts of you. You aren't anything else, basically just a walking flashdrive for other people. That's what I've become and I don't want to hold onto all of this anymore.


Have a great Monday. I know that I am.

outpouring

Back in Boone.
Trying desperately to cope.

It's bad to be alone. It's sad when you're brain starts to ask your heart the questions instead of the other way around. Or when your self esteem is shot and all you can think about is why am I still here? I wish I still had my cheering squad... the ones who didn't give up on me so quickly, like I feel everyone else has.

I met new people this weekend. I met so many new people, new stories, new possible adventures.
I'm done with the life I've been leading. I'm ready to go someplace where no one knows who I am. So that when I fuck up like I've apparently done so many times in the past, it'd only be the first time for the New People.

I want a fresh start.

Cat and I vegged out today, and it was glorious. It was nice just to sit around and relax. With my shoulders up around my ears and my stomach growling at me, I feel like I'm a little on edge. Nothing is simple anymore. Everything has a price tag, everything has hidden connotations, everyone has a secret that they'd rather you die than find them out.
I have secrets.
I have plenty of secrets.
I may or may not be tired of keeping them, though.
(Hint: ..It's the first choice.)

Sometimes you think that little things can take away the pain...
Shopping for something new (or at Goodwill) because God Knows you need more clothing, but honestly you just want to have an excuse to get rid of the shirt you wore when she died.
Cooking (and burning sometimes) anything you can muster up because you can't bring back her homemade meat sauce and brilliance at making dinner in under half an hour.
Eating because A) your stomach signals it's hungry, B) it's making you nauseous, C) you got a memory flash of you and her eating something and laughing and you miss that so much you can't even stand it.
Cleaning everything as well as you can because she'd want it that way.
Hugging anyone and everyone because you feel more alone when you're in a crowd than by yourself and you're pretty sure that if you hug tight enough that she'll come back to hug you.


Life sucks. People say to move on, but you know what? How can you come back from that? How can you move on when you feel like no one loves/cares/gives a shit about you anyway?
I've got my aunts and grandparents, but they've got their own lives. I've never been thought of as the center of someone's world, but Mom did. Mom had said so. She told me as I had contemplated suicide, What was she supposed to do? If I died?? Because she wouldn't be able to handle it and she'd just off herself too... Well I'm getting back to that feeling. I'm beginning to figure out that there isn't really a "happy", it's just a sense of reassurance that everything's going to be fine. Well I've lost my reassurance and I have no idea where to get it back.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

I'm home... sort of.

I'm listening to Israel kamakawiwo'ole and he makes me feel better.

At the moment I'm currently at my grandparents house. I knew that I wouldn't be strong enough to be at my home alone, unfortunately. But I went over there today because I missed my Brownie-boy so much it hurt. He saw me and it made me tear up. My aunt Lise said he hadn't seemed that excited about anything til he saw me come into the garage. We had to honk to get him to come to the garage door and he moved slowly until he saw me and then was barking and whining and jumping all around. I had been so caught up in life that I almost forgot about him. My puppy, my little brother as Mom called him and I almost forgot that he was affected by this also. He and I sat on the floor and just played. He was he old self again and it made my heart swell.

He doesn't go in my Mom's room anymore. He goes and sits in his chair.

I had sat down on the sofa in the living room and he came and took his traditional place at the other end of the sofa. I looked at him and patted the sofa next to me. He then sat up, looked at me with his big sad eyes and then came and snuggled behind my knees and rested his chin and paw on my leg. He was at peace. We watched NCIS and I looked at him and his eyes were closed until he opened one and saw me, then lifted his head for a second as if to say, "Emily? Glad your home, I missed you". I teared up and he set his head back down, tilted it like he wanted me to read his thoughts of rubbing his head which I complied to. How could I not? God I missed his little face.

Lise was funny, she was looking at him tonight and he was begging for pizza crusts like always, and she goes "Brownie, look at that great big smile you goofy pup!" How could I have ever forgotten such an imperative member of my family? Not for anything, but if I think about having to leave again I'll cry, so let's not do that right now...

Moving on.. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" is playing. So cliche, but it's just about what I need.

Walking around my house was so weird. A definite warmth is gone, and I aim to try to put that back. Just like when I think about my family, such a part of it is gone and missing, I try to fill it but I already know I can't. It hurts everyday but I'm working with it, trying to get through it.

Most people have no idea, Absolutely No Idea what I'm feeling. And I may get aggressive towards some people (or people in general) but it's because it isn't fair. It isn't fair I had to lose my mom, let alone the woman I called my best friend. I may overreact to certain things because I may not necessarily want to hear allllllll about your family vacation that you and your mom went on and had a life changing time. Most likely I won't say anything about it, but inside it kills me a little each time on the inside. And I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I tried to make a change in my life where I wouldn't complain so much. I'm trying to not lie and just be honest more now, because life is Too God Damn Short. But please don't take this as a 'rant session' or complaints or whatever. I'm just telling whoever the hell is reading this, how it is.

Losing someone of my mom's caliber nevers leaves you. No, it's a big deal and yes, it affected me so immensely that I'm not so sure where in life I'm going.

So if you see me, don't walk on eggshells around me. Just help distract me for a minute. Thinking alone by myself almost always resorts to me getting teary-eyed and upset which is the absolute opposite of what I need to feel right now.

So as I sit here in my grandpa's TV room downstairs, on the 10 year old dinosaur of a Mac, listening to "Secret" my Maroon 5 contemplating going to bed (WOW it's only 1:25am), but then again wishing I could *start smoking and open some windows to cool off this crazy hot basement, wishing I could call Mom and get all the fucking drama thats happening at school and here at home off my chest, I honest to god wish I was laying on the sand in LSB right now with Erin listening to the ocean roll in and out and most likely be drinking a hot cocoa because hey, all the cool kids do.

You always wish that things get easier... Maybe they do. With time, I suppose. Or rather not easier, you just get crazier. Mom always said that we get crazier so that we can cope.

I'm pretty sure she was right.

"Music to Soothe the Savage Chairs..."

One of my favorite lines from Freshman Showcase (and it wasn't even my scene), that went up this past weekend...

Good lord I'm exhausted.

I just finished assistant directing the "First Year Showcase" and the Costume Sale is almost done, 'Mother Hicks' goes up in like... 3 days... which I'm working at everyday and good lord. Who has time for anything anymore?
But it looks like I'm doing fine. Of course.
I knew I'd survive everything. I knew I'd do okay, but it took quite a lot of convincing, grandma's cookies, tears and assurances to realize that.

I think it's time to focus on classes, my blogs and life rather than Everything else.
the next thing on my plate is Rocky Horror! and sleeping. *sigh*