2-D for me

I reread my mom's blog occaisionally.
Everytime I read
http://maren-rediscoveringaudacity.blogspot.com/2011/02/crap-day.html
I read it in her voice and it makes me cry.

I've been feeling entirely 2-Dimensional. I feel like I'm not really working towards anything anymore and I hate it. A lot of my goals were to show my mom that I Could live on my own, that I Could survive. And I know I can, it's just gotten to a point where I don't care. My therapist has helped me but there's so much in my head that, really, she doesn't even know.

I printed out my application for the study abroad.
I still have to design my Makeup project for tomorrow.
I need to write a proposal for APO and look for places for the show to perform, in like 2 weeks.

I feel like I'm starting to drown among all of this and when in retrospect, it's hardly anything I feel. It just seems like my mind is still reeling and won't stop. I get stuck on one thing and I don't want to focus. My brain's out of focus and goddamn it my back hurts like a son of a bitch.

It's sad when you start to realize things too. As in the fact that a lot of your friends are too afraid to step up and Physically be there when you obviously need a distraction.
I've taken to drinking a lot. I drink and drink and drink and I've begun to recognize the fact that it's just binge drinking. Yet, I was in a class thinking "How good would a hot chocolate with kaluha be right now?".
I never used to think that way.

Now I think I just want to sleep. Sleep and not think about anything. I really think that I need a vacation from everything. I need to get away from school, the people who say they're my friends but respond with blank faces, the situations I'm getting myself into, the commitments I've made but am starting to realize that it's difficult on my own, etc.

My head just wants to de-focus for a minute, but in me not letting it, it takes longer to focus than it used to.

I have fewer good days now. More just so-so days.
My head is screaming: "CHANGE SOMETHING NOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!"
but my body is saying: "But I just wanna curl up for a minute..."
and then my heart is pleading: "I've been broken. I need time... Just leave it all alone...."


I would kill for a cuddle buddy right about now. Just someone to hold on to so that the world stops spinning for a minute and maybe I can sleep...