outpouring

Back in Boone.
Trying desperately to cope.

It's bad to be alone. It's sad when you're brain starts to ask your heart the questions instead of the other way around. Or when your self esteem is shot and all you can think about is why am I still here? I wish I still had my cheering squad... the ones who didn't give up on me so quickly, like I feel everyone else has.

I met new people this weekend. I met so many new people, new stories, new possible adventures.
I'm done with the life I've been leading. I'm ready to go someplace where no one knows who I am. So that when I fuck up like I've apparently done so many times in the past, it'd only be the first time for the New People.

I want a fresh start.

Cat and I vegged out today, and it was glorious. It was nice just to sit around and relax. With my shoulders up around my ears and my stomach growling at me, I feel like I'm a little on edge. Nothing is simple anymore. Everything has a price tag, everything has hidden connotations, everyone has a secret that they'd rather you die than find them out.
I have secrets.
I have plenty of secrets.
I may or may not be tired of keeping them, though.
(Hint: ..It's the first choice.)

Sometimes you think that little things can take away the pain...
Shopping for something new (or at Goodwill) because God Knows you need more clothing, but honestly you just want to have an excuse to get rid of the shirt you wore when she died.
Cooking (and burning sometimes) anything you can muster up because you can't bring back her homemade meat sauce and brilliance at making dinner in under half an hour.
Eating because A) your stomach signals it's hungry, B) it's making you nauseous, C) you got a memory flash of you and her eating something and laughing and you miss that so much you can't even stand it.
Cleaning everything as well as you can because she'd want it that way.
Hugging anyone and everyone because you feel more alone when you're in a crowd than by yourself and you're pretty sure that if you hug tight enough that she'll come back to hug you.


Life sucks. People say to move on, but you know what? How can you come back from that? How can you move on when you feel like no one loves/cares/gives a shit about you anyway?
I've got my aunts and grandparents, but they've got their own lives. I've never been thought of as the center of someone's world, but Mom did. Mom had said so. She told me as I had contemplated suicide, What was she supposed to do? If I died?? Because she wouldn't be able to handle it and she'd just off herself too... Well I'm getting back to that feeling. I'm beginning to figure out that there isn't really a "happy", it's just a sense of reassurance that everything's going to be fine. Well I've lost my reassurance and I have no idea where to get it back.