I'm listening to Israel kamakawiwo'ole and he makes me feel better.
At the moment I'm currently at my grandparents house. I knew that I wouldn't be strong enough to be at my home alone, unfortunately. But I went over there today because I missed my Brownie-boy so much it hurt. He saw me and it made me tear up. My aunt Lise said he hadn't seemed that excited about anything til he saw me come into the garage. We had to honk to get him to come to the garage door and he moved slowly until he saw me and then was barking and whining and jumping all around. I had been so caught up in life that I almost forgot about him. My puppy, my little brother as Mom called him and I almost forgot that he was affected by this also. He and I sat on the floor and just played. He was he old self again and it made my heart swell.
He doesn't go in my Mom's room anymore. He goes and sits in his chair.
I had sat down on the sofa in the living room and he came and took his traditional place at the other end of the sofa. I looked at him and patted the sofa next to me. He then sat up, looked at me with his big sad eyes and then came and snuggled behind my knees and rested his chin and paw on my leg. He was at peace. We watched NCIS and I looked at him and his eyes were closed until he opened one and saw me, then lifted his head for a second as if to say, "Emily? Glad your home, I missed you". I teared up and he set his head back down, tilted it like he wanted me to read his thoughts of rubbing his head which I complied to. How could I not? God I missed his little face.
Lise was funny, she was looking at him tonight and he was begging for pizza crusts like always, and she goes "Brownie, look at that great big smile you goofy pup!" How could I have ever forgotten such an imperative member of my family? Not for anything, but if I think about having to leave again I'll cry, so let's not do that right now...
Moving on.. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" is playing. So cliche, but it's just about what I need.
Walking around my house was so weird. A definite warmth is gone, and I aim to try to put that back. Just like when I think about my family, such a part of it is gone and missing, I try to fill it but I already know I can't. It hurts everyday but I'm working with it, trying to get through it.
Most people have no idea, Absolutely No Idea what I'm feeling. And I may get aggressive towards some people (or people in general) but it's because it isn't fair. It isn't fair I had to lose my mom, let alone the woman I called my best friend. I may overreact to certain things because I may not necessarily want to hear allllllll about your family vacation that you and your mom went on and had a life changing time. Most likely I won't say anything about it, but inside it kills me a little each time on the inside. And I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I tried to make a change in my life where I wouldn't complain so much. I'm trying to not lie and just be honest more now, because life is Too God Damn Short. But please don't take this as a 'rant session' or complaints or whatever. I'm just telling whoever the hell is reading this, how it is.
Losing someone of my mom's caliber nevers leaves you. No, it's a big deal and yes, it affected me so immensely that I'm not so sure where in life I'm going.
So if you see me, don't walk on eggshells around me. Just help distract me for a minute. Thinking alone by myself almost always resorts to me getting teary-eyed and upset which is the absolute opposite of what I need to feel right now.
So as I sit here in my grandpa's TV room downstairs, on the 10 year old dinosaur of a Mac, listening to "Secret" my Maroon 5 contemplating going to bed (WOW it's only 1:25am), but then again wishing I could *start smoking and open some windows to cool off this crazy hot basement, wishing I could call Mom and get all the fucking drama thats happening at school and here at home off my chest, I honest to god wish I was laying on the sand in LSB right now with Erin listening to the ocean roll in and out and most likely be drinking a hot cocoa because hey, all the cool kids do.
You always wish that things get easier... Maybe they do. With time, I suppose. Or rather not easier, you just get crazier. Mom always said that we get crazier so that we can cope.
I'm pretty sure she was right.
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