...Hang on, There's a Catch.

I have so many guy friends it's kind of sad. I had this realization while texting a friend of mine, Justin, running up the stairs to plug my computer in so that I could respond to Brian's message and poke Joe back.

Apparently, I am too comfortable with guys. I had a friend tell me that I would make the most amazing girlfriend because I like almost all sports, watching/laughing at gory and scary movies girls would cry at, and when it comes to emotions I am half boy and half girl. I will actually listen and try to give somewhat okay advice and then after that I'll keep my mouth shut and/or just not care. Walking up the stairs, thinking this, made me run into the door leading to my floor. Then a thought ran through my head that made me snicker. The thought that ran through my head was "Oh god, what if I'm a closet lesbian that doesn't like girls?" Hahahahaha EXCEPT that if you knew me, you'd know that every 10 or so minutes, I'll point at a boy walking by and go "Geeeez he's cute!!" Yeah, I'm not a lesbian. For Sure. :D

But it sort of worries me that I haven't really found anyone that I've been very interested in. I mean I've hung out with cute guys that are So nice and I just don't really understand what my problem is. Lately, I've been feeling the need to write and so I turn to here. I feel like this is truely the only place that I can blow off the steam and frustrations of the day. I just wish I had someone I could talk to who didn't turn out to be a creeper, or an ass, or I don't even know.

But I don't feel like being like Chelsie and Brittany and acting like.. No. I thought what they were doing was unacceptable. Chelsie was sitting on Myles and snuggling up with him looking incredibly cozy. Thank gawd I don't hang out with them very often. And Brittany, talking to guys like it's goin' outta style. What's worse is that Both Of Them Have Boyfriends. Who Love them. And They have NO idea. That DRIVES ME UP THE WALL. I swear, if/when I have a boyfriend, I would never do stupid things like that. I'm not that kind of girl. Guys don't apparently seem to see that in me. I'm just that crazy girl who shook your hand. I don't even know. God, I swear, I almost want to say that Chelsie doesn't deserve her boyfriend, no matter how much I love them both, she Abuses him. I end up talking to him because he hasn't talked to her in a while. It's just so stupid!! And I know I sound ridiculous but What the Hell am I doing wrong? I just want someone to talk to who might actually listen to me... And that sounds so selfish now that I say that. I think that's why. I'm a selfish person. And my karma is letting me know that. What's funny is that almost all of my friends who are going out with eachother now, had met eachother Through Me. Sam, on my hall, was calling me the matchmaker. And I am not even telling you who all I have hooked up. *sigh* Damn I hate my life. It's hard not having someone to back you up you know? Someone I can turn to and say, "Hey, I had a shitty day, can I talk to you?" and not end up getting the response of "Uh, I'm sorry, I'm kinda busy..." and hear "Yeah sure babe, what's goin on?". That's all I want, well along with someone I can hug or cuddle up with. I mean Really? is that So hard to ask for? 99% of the population has had someone like that at one point or another. I, on the other hand, am the 1% that hasn't. I have never had that. Yes, I've had boyfriends before. But Not someone/thing tangible. There's always been a catch. I Fucking hate catches. But I've tried working on it. I've introduced myself to seriously every person I meet. I've gone to lunch and movies and stuff with boys but haven't found someone that makes me feel the butterflies I've felt before.

Damn it, I'm not going to be that girl who will find someone in her Senior year here at college and then move away, and Break Up With them. Yet A-Fucking-Gain.

You know what? From Here on. I want to go on dates every weekend Til fucking Christmas. Now let's start this horse race...

Thanks for listening.

Just a Writing sort of mood.

It's a little past 5 a.m. and I am just about wide awake. I occaisonally lean my head forward and forget that I fall asleep. But it happens.

Anyway, so my day has been interesting. To say the least... Football tailgate, Game that was fun and exciting but ended up depressing, then laundry, a couple of far-out movies, Tagging the hallway with meaningful quotes, conversing, and then Apples-to-Apples... Again, an interesting night.

Anyway, so I thought this one person has originally showed an interest in me, (a BIG interest Might I Add) and I had in him. Now, after the Shit that had happened, has happened, been talked through so many times I am sick of my own story, and Everything is upside down, I have the want to move away and change my face, status, and what it is that makes me the type of person I never want to be. Unoriginal. So if it takes me the rest of my life to find that one person who accepts and loves me for being who I am, well Dammit, my life will be hell. Utter and Complete Hell.

So really What Is supposed to happen when someone says I Love you? You hope. You hope and pray that that person isn't A) screwing with you, B) totally bullshitting you or C) lying to you. I know all of the tricks in the books. I mean after a lifetime of shit like that, you tend to see the starting points people use and you pick up on it. Many of those things, I have gained.

But sometimes, there will be that One Person you trusted a LITTLE and all of those things are no longer nessacary. And really the only thing I want to say is goodnight. Because it's not even worth it anymore. So why dwell? I see no reason. Even if it leads to me typing at 5:30am...

Oh and for all of those people who read this, Please go and listen to a Beatles song and get back to me... I may go down the same... But who really knows at this point. So Fuck him, Fuck the future guys and the Past guys who I don't want to talk about anyway.

I l0ve you all. Be safe.

I...I..... I don't even know.

Since when did I become the Momma Duck? Since when am I supposed to be that person people walk over to, lean their forehead on your shoulder and spit out the slurr, "hiya Emm! Guesss What. I'm Drunk!" With a big ol' smile on their face and bloodshot eyes. I don't really get it as to why I have to be that person who cares sooo much to have to tell them that "Honey, if you don't Slow Your Ass Down, you will end up Killing Someone." In all seriousness.

I had a chat with a really close friend today who I've known for a long time and she laughed and told me just How Hammered she got Wednesday night. "Hahaha But No! It was so much fun, and hahaha like Oh my god, I think I fell a couple of times hahaha I musta looked preeetty funny! And like I don't remember how I got back to my bed in my dorm, but Good Thing right?"....I hate having to be the mother. I Always have to play the fucking mother. I told this friend of mine that she Really needs to be a little more careful nowadays, because no one is there to make sure She ISN'T raped... Or kidnapped. Or whatever. And I realize that I sound Completely neurotic right now and paranoid and Parent-y, but you want to know something? I feel like my friends and I should at least Make it to Graduation. Plus, I know that they aren't my responsibility, but when They get mad at me for not being able to do anything at 4 o'clock in the morning, Fuck that. You can sleep in the God-damn street for all I care. But then, I'll get into that conversation with someone else and it's all just a fail.

I Don't Want To Be The Mother Any Fucking More. I am SICK and TIRED of looking after EVERYONE ELSE. Because that's all I do. And I make sure people are happy. But What about me??? Even that one person who Claimed I was to be the most important person in his life, can't seem to step up At All. Except for apparent Random acts of Kindness. But I need someone to rest my head on. I want someone to look out for me, and actually care. And not feel like "oh well, I'm her friend, I Have to" I wish someone would want to. But to hell with that. I apparently am too fucking scary and Larger than life to even get close to. All of my Normal friends then say that I'm not and "just wait, he'll come". Heh. Yep, he came and he went. Fuck this. Happiness for a week and Poof, its gone because he has issues. Well to Hell with that! I have issues too. And as I'm working on Everyone elses, I'll put mine here and let the random strangers who land on this page take a crack at it. So yes, I have issues. I come with baggage that I didn't even know I had. I seriously want to just smack my head up againest a wall right now. I mean I don't understand as to WHY I have Yet to have even One successfull relationship. I have So many friends and So many people who know me but I feel more alone than ever. And yeah, I'm sad. But I shouldn't be, says the majority of my friends. I have "so much going for you, you have NO IDEA"... yeah SURE.

Gaahh, life seriously sucks when you're by yourself at 3:30 in the morning. I should sleep, but when you feel like your head is buzzing, you can't even Attempt to fall asleep. Hanging out with the Night Stars and the RAs is all I've got. I have friends who now have forgotten my stupid issues, have loaded theirs onto me and others, expecting a witty wise response. Oh well, Ya'll are just Plain SHIT OUTTA LUCK.

So why is it that when I try to get close to a guy, he pulls away and starts to talk to the girl next to me? Usually its the person I brought. And then those two will hang out more than when I had hung out with either. It just works out like that with me. I should really start my own business in setting people up. I don't really know How I did it but I really should figure it out.

And I suppose that's really it.

Well You done done and you bet I felt it...

(I just found this post that apparently I forgot to post

and It makes me laugh because even this one went bad...

but Oh well, its all said and done. No worries friends)

I.... Like someone. Or at least, I did. I thought he was sweet, caring (at least for someone I just met), cute, and different. I have known guys who would have maybe one of those qualities. Definitely NOT all of them. And What the Hell!? His brother (my best friend's boyfriend {I know it sounds bad}) says that "he's a jackass sometimes" or "well I know him better and You could do better..." I mean But What Happens when I ACTUALLY Like Him?? Again, I must restate: WHAT THE HELL.

Anyway, this Guy that I like, Lets call him N, seemed to like me (oh dear, I'm sounding like I'm back in junior high, ugh). I mean hey, we made out the 2nd time we met. When we had first met, as in "Hello, my name is..." and "Oh yes! And my name is..." "It's nice to meet you!" As in officially met, we flirted causally, and late on into the night, we held hands. Corny, Yes, I know. But when it's a guy you hardly know that isn't nesscarily someone who is (quote): "trying to get into my pants" (end quote), it's kind of endearing. It was a sweet gesture and I didn't think all that much about it.

The next week, I went to a party at a friend's house. N's brother and my bff were coming and I asked the friend having the party if N could come... He said "why not! ". Apparently when N was asked, he Jumped at the mention of me at the party. That of course made my day. :)

So the day goes on, everyone moved to the hottub and N and I sat next to eachother... He held my hand under the water, sneakily. (Again Very cute :)) Fast forward the afternoon and he had gone out kayaaking with someone from the party. When N came back he asked if I wanted to go... Of course I said yes. I Mean I'm Not Stupid :) . So we left... And kayakked out to the near by island, approximately... half a mile away? And so.. Two Hours Later, we get back and its almost dark. Now I won't tell you what went on out there on the lake, for you can use your imagination. Now that calls for a smiley :) But so we got back to the house, somehow made it outside to the hot tub yet again, and sort of cuddled, in a sense. At one point I started to hum my favorite song when he leaped up, turned to face and he looked at me and very seriously said "What Is That Song?!" I then started to sing the words until I got to the chorus and paused... "I'm yours..." He leaned in and told me, he's been looking for that song for the longest time.

I think he could be that someone Ive been looking for, for the longest time.

You're Wonderin' Now... What to Do... Now You Know this is the end...

 I hate being so susceptible to everything. I put myself, my mind, let alone my heart, out into the universe and expect too much in return. Truthfully, it annoys the crap outta me, but then again, I'm almost just okay with it. I've dealt so much SHIT in my day and stupid GUYS. I mean really how hard is it to say Hi or a hug? But thats just in my case I SUPPOSE. I mean, Unfortunately I dont bite. (Im reconsidering that for Some people, who Deserve it)

I'm sick of people asking whats wrong when they know Exactly what's wrong, they just need the reassurance that you won't murder you in your sleep. I promise, I won't do that. At the moment, I'm just Mad-Sad chels, and its not at you I promise.

You know what's Even sadder though? Alright I was on Facebook. I took the stupid quizzes they have on there. Yes, i already know that the kind of car i should be is a Subaru. Sweet, you made my name into an Acronym! Yay for you. So I took one of those this evening. Yeah I was bored. It was one of those horoscope ones and it basically gives you a run-down of yourself as based in Astrology. And I already know that I'm Cancer so whats the big deal? Well so I'm reading this Paragraph long statement about Cancers and how Sensitive we are. Alright, well I already knew that. I can be a Bit touchy about things, Sure, and who isnt? But so I keep reading... It goes on to tell me that Cancers have hard exteriors and try to hide their inner workings from outsiders. Alright.. keep reading... So then I get to: Cancers will often claim to be rational and unfeeling, but close family and friends will tell you they are highly sensitive, intuitive and often psychic. Cancers tend to suffer from mood swings that may seem downright "bi-polar" at times. So then I was like, Well Hell?! Who Here HASNT been a bit BI-POLAR sometimes.. I'm not saying that I am but hey, keeping things bottled up makes Em not such a fun girl. Damn horoscopes always seem to nail me.

But hey...Christ, I've had so much shit on my mind in the last 6 months than I've ever had in my long years. A lot of the time, it's thoughts about college or just money and the economy and life. Yeah, LIFE. Have YOU ever had a conversation in your head about LIFE where you lose to your rationality and you just feel like eating a thousand cookies, watching Nights at Rodanthe and just SOBBING your eyes out because then you don't have to think about whatever it is thats on your mind? Hey, i mean, it's true, Im sure we've all been there.

Right now that sounds good. Because one of the worst emotions to be feeling is Nothing. It's a combination of carelessness, broken heart syndrome, couldn't-give-a-crap disease, boredom, insomnia (the main reason I created this BY THE WAY), and just the basic I am Sick and tired of waiting for you sort of thing. Yes, this is what I am feeling right now as I listen to the twangy cheerful yet sort of laid-back guitar of the Specials playing Your'e Wondering Now... I love this song and it really describes how Im feeling. Listen to it. Go with that feeling and come with me to Jamaica so we can escape this life here in this bass-ackward Un-neo Suburbia.

And attributed to my insomnia... it's now 12:53 am. Ive Got to get over this.