Welcome to this... Life.

"We Are Golden" by Mika is the song of the moment

I previously read some of my old blog posts and GOOD LORD I complain a lot. Gotta love self reflection.
I was thinking about old friends today and everything, I was/am having a pretty decent day. Hey look, the sun's come out :)

Then like in anyone's life, bumps in the road present itself. A friend of mine disappeared and apparently transferred to another school without telling ANYone, including me. I thought she and I were close, but obviously we weren't. I don't know, I finally went low enough to ask her boyfriend if he could ask her to RESPOND to at least ONE of my messages that I've left for her. I don't get it.

The other thing that sort dampened my day was the fact that so many people are in shows this semester. I'm just kind of upset about that. I just don't even like talking about it. I thought I did pretty decently but whatever. It's over now and I'll just get into a worse mood than before. Yay Shakespeare in the Park. The exclusivity that you bring makes me want to strangle myself, thanks. I'm just disappointed in the fact that some people are in what like, 3 or 4 shows and I can't seem to get even close to be cast in any. Honestly, this SHOWS that I have no talent for this field. In my head, my brain is saying to just walk away and do something else. Try to get better at something else. Try and DO SOMETHING ELSE. But right now, I have no idea what that could possibly be. Considering I hardly know anything else.
What does a person do if they want to change EVERYTHING about their life?
Where does one even begin?

I maybe can look into Art? I mean my voice isn't ANYWHERE strong enough to try with that, I can't play a musical instrument, maybe photography?
God this is hard. Redefining your Entire life has got to be difficult.

This is SO Frustrating.

A Traveler Wanders in search of... Love? No. Forgiveness? No. LIFE.

Song of the Moment:
"The Cave" by Mumford and Sons.

I need a new experience. I need to stop trying to force everything. I need to quit saying I.
There has to be a change soon, in this existence of mine. I'm extremely tired of this feeling, but I have this intense urge to go and travel and learn new things and have new experiences. I didn't know how restless of a person I was until now. It's not just my body that aches for something, someone, but it's my mind who needs to see something new. It needs to feel something new.
Anyone have any suggestions?


Places on my list:
-New York
-Amsterdam
-New Orleans
-Barcelona
-India
-Brazil
-Peru
-Mexico
-Egypt
-London
-South Africa
-Ireland
-Wales
-Sweden and Surrounding Scandinavian places
-Fuck it, I just want to go everywhere.

I would love to have someone just as impulsive or spontaneous with me...
Anyone want to?


This needs to happen. Or rather something GOOD for once needs to happen soon. At this point I just want to escape everything and sit in a rain forest by a river or look out at an ocean that I've never seen before.
Oooh... an ocean. I'd kill just to go sit in the sand. The feeling of something never ending in front of you gives me a calmed feeling...

I'm thinking I probably have cabin fever, since it's so FUCKING cold outside that I can't hardly walk around. BUT it doesn't stop me.

But for right now:

I need impulsiveness. I need spontaneity. I need a romantic.
I have craziness. I have so much fun. I have a lot of love to give.

I'm here. Where are you?

I don't know what it is...

There's been thinking going on today. I don't know why, but there has been.

I had a crazy conversation with my best friend. She knows me best and managed to stop making me say "well about this whole thing... I don't know..." She got me to face little things that turned into a Huge thing. Something I hadn't been able to admit to myself.

But she helped me realize the stupid trust barriers that I've placed around myself. I don't know why they're there but they are. And she and I figured that the only thing for me to get them to come down is proof. Proof that a person would be there for you or proof that they do actually care about you or proof that they are there to catch you if you fall. That's all that I would need. I don't have Any expectations. Just a want of proof. But I never end up getting it. I told her that that is probably the number one reason why I haven't had or rather wanted a relationship. I'm almost scared that I'll hurt the person in question.

But I want to trust them. My brain just needs that proof I guess, so that my heart can continue. GOOD LORD. UGH. This takes a toll on me.

Love and Love Lost...

There's someone... Someone who I think about occasionally. Someone who seems to think about me sometimes, but is a person I can't figure out.

When I think about him, I get butterflies.
When I think about his music, I smile.
When I think about the two of us, I wonder.

He makes me feel more creative, more relaxed and kind of.. in peace.

I don't really know what this feeling is. But it made me read over my previous post from a few days ago. I contemplated how I felt then and how I did now. It's wierd to me....

My mind wants so badly to know what he's thinking. My heart wants to know if he feels at all the same way.
Yet I keep this inside because I never know how he'll feel or what could happen.


I am absolutely terrified. What is this feeling? What is this that is making me feel this way? I'm horrified to let someone in that far, for fear that I'll just get hurt again. Like I have before...

I don't want to hurt him either. That's one of my biggest fears.
I just need a hug maybe.. from him.. maybe..

Filing Photos of Philosphocial Feelings Forever...

Snow days are interesting.
No one ever seems to be interested in doing something unless it's with other people doing nothing As well.
Right now, as my friend Nick put it, "it's snowing up... WAIT... no, it's snowing sideways, aw shit, it's going UP again..." That's how our day went. TOO much laughing and Japanese food, and movies and Legos and friends. We were just ourselves today. And it was so nice just to be able to say "oh come on, LET'S SNUGGLE." to someone you met three days ago yet feel like you've know your entire life.
Her name is Cat and her ears are gauged and she likes wearing tye-dye.
I think I'm in friend-love :)

But honestly, I just sort of felt like writing tonight... Kelsey's asleep on my floor while I'm catching up with an old friend back in Mo-town. It's days like these that make my life as awesome as it's become.

BUT, there's a demon scratching at my ankles (well actually my left ankle since my anklets are no longer there :( ) I'm very anxious to hear about the auditions. I want to know whether or not I got a callback to one of them. I feel like there is Sooo much talent that went on that Tuesday night that honestly I don't even gotts a chance. I want this so badly though. I honestly do.
But I guess this could reveal some things for me... It could reveal whether or not I should be a Design/tech major or whether I should pursue acting, something I've done for SO long, I can hardly remember when I started. I only know that I die to be onstage.

So I think I've sort of fallen for a boy.
But the problem is, he basically has no idea. I don't feel like breaking this one, like how I've done with just about any other person I try to get close with.
I have no idea how it would even work, the two of us, just because him and I are completely different. But I just wish I could tell him how I felt about him. This is ridiculous too, because I always do this to myself and fall for someone, wait around for them until they begin to get it and then I stop. All of the feelings stop and I go back on everything I said/felt/thought and try to erase it. I don't have a clue as to why but it happens. My brain kicks in and suddenly, I'm on my ass, by myself again.
I would LOVE for this cycle to stop, kthankx.

Hmmm... Otherwise, I think life's going well for me. Richard and I are planning a roadtrip for hopefully May to go across the country together. Kinda terrified, kinda excited. I NEED a trip like this. I need to go out and explore the world and not have Anything hold me back. I would love to go to Europe and backpack at some point, but right now the USA is closer and hasn't revealed it's entirety to me yet.
But this trip is honestly one of the most important things I am going to try and do. I need to make Shum money first. :) BUT I have a plan and hopefully, it will end up working itself out in the end.
I tend to be lucky that way.

But for now, I may or may not go to bed (I kinda want to stay up til 6 and see whether or not all classes will be cancelled tomorrow, even if I don't have any classes tomorrow anyways!)

*sigh*

You know actually there is one thing on my mind... And I doubt he'll read this, but there's a person who I want to apologize to. He is still close to my heart but I wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened, and everything that got blown out of proportion, and everything that I said afterwards to myself, to make myself feel better. I don't know, honestly, what I'd say to you now if you walked in my door. Probably "what the HELL are you doing here right now? and HOW did you find my room??" considering it's past 4am.
But see, when I see you walking past me on the sidewalk, I ALWAYS wonder why I did what I did. And if we'd ever be friends again...
Because you WERE a genuinely nice guy, and you DID want to help Everyone, and you were probably the sweetest guy I knew... But then once what happened happened, I have no idea... I'm just...sorry.
I really am. And after thinking about it for... wow it's been almost a year? JESUS. After thinking about it for...this long, I can't help to think what if.
But then I get worried because I know things would be different. I know you and I have changed Completely and gahhhh! It's hard to except that. I miss those snowy nights with you and I miss holding hands and I miss just...being with you I guess. I don't really know what this is, but seeing my friend/your old roommate, hearing what happened, and feeling the weirdness of them saying your name in front of me, was just weird.
I would love just to talk to you a last time. Maybe?

*sigh*

Wooowwww... Wasn't really expecting that to flood out. But he knows who he is, if he Ever reads that. Doubtful but it's whatever.

Someone once told me that "being negative will turn one forever into someone who you do not wish to be..."
I need to quit being negative and jump up with the enthusiasm I used to have.

Who's with me? :)