I think I used up all my good karma... It's kind of a sad feeling. I need something to look forward to, to inspire me, to give me hope. I need someone to hold.
While I wear this ridickulous hat and sweats and my eyes unfocus as I just start to type. I realize that I need someone and I need someone to need me. I hate feeling alone. I need something to look forward to. I hate bringing people down especially when I'm sad. I hate being sad. I want so badly just to hold someone. And the more I want or need someone, the further that person goes away. I can feel it. Because I need to be back in love with myself and life and then that person will find me. I feel like they're close but I have no idea who it is at all. But all I know is that I want this to stop and I want to be myself again. I hate this feeling. I just want to sleep for like 6 months. No food, no water, just sleep. This weekend will consist of that. Maybe I can steal the room for a while on saturday and ask shane if he wants to come over. I don't know, I almost feel like him and I are forced. Or we're trying too hard. Or even Cam. I just want someone who wants me. Which is NEVER going to happen. I'm going to end up like Coach Beast from Glee, huge and scary and old and most likely in a job that I hate. That's such a bright future in front of me. God, it makes me so FUCKING EXCITED to get to wait to do that. I hate this. I hate this so much. I love everything about my life except for myself right now. There is so much I'd change about myself right now. And I bet there's no one in the universe who'd keep me the way I am. I'm going to be that one person every 1000 years who can't/won't find her matching person. I bet mine was some soldier in Iraq that got killed there. There ya go, I'm a Pre-Widow. AWESOME. I hate this. I just want a hug... A kiss on the cheek? A loving glance... A quiet embrace that reassures me about everything. GOD I FUCKING HATE THIS. MAKE IT STOPPP!! I just want to cry right now. I want so badly for everyone else to be happy and just end it for me. Everyone else has motivation. What's mine??? That's right, I don't have any!! I just want to go away. I don't want to be by myself anymore. I can't do this. I used to be so self-sufficient. I used to not believe that you truely needed anybody to be happy. But that is so far from right... I want to cry. I want to kill everyone who tells me how fucking happy they are. I want to shoot them until they stop twitching. I hate this. I'm not like this EVER. But right now, I don't even know. Someone please help? I'm crying out right now because I just want a damn hug that doesn't feel fake...
Someone catch me because I'm falling..
My heart hurts. I want so badly just to talk to someone. Help.
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