"...what's up? You seem kinda quiet?"

I'm allowed to be quiet. Mainly because I like to think... I got asked that by my prom date last night. I don't know, sweetheart, maybe because I was expecting too much from you. Maybe because I need someone who's less wrapped up in themselves. Possibly because you are so focused that you can't even notice when a girl is interested in you. Who knows though.

Personally, I am glad I'm home for a particular reason in general. That reason is the late night chats that my mom and I have, typically before we go to sleep. I've missed those. Actually the reason as to why I had made this blog in the first place was because I felt like I needed someone to talk to.

Now to talk... I feel like I have so much on my mind that it might actually explode. I realize too that my issues on my brain aren't as crazy or to be honest, higher priority than most others, considering I have a friend getting brain surgery on Friday, another one is going off to somewhere like Africa or Nicaragua to do social work, and someone else becoming an ϋber famous supermodel in New York and Paris. I'm not jealous. I'm just tired of doing nothing. I want something, or somewhere or someone to be in my life. I want something to be of importance to me. I've lost a lot of motivation in the past few months. I'm not sure what all this is that I'm working for. I've been so lazy in my life that I feel the need to change that. I've already told one of my friends that I felt like I was getting left behind in a sense. I was on Facebook the other day (as are we all) and noticed a series of posts all in a similar category. One friend was pregnant, one getting ready to have her baby and another had had one. Two out of 3 were married, all were in a happy relationship. Today and last night was another one of those days. I went to prom, and surrounded by couples, I was put into a strange mindset. I couldn't even help that fact. They just all seemed so happy. I feel in a way like I'm missing out on something. I've been in one long-ish type of relationship and that was it. It wasn't even that great of a relationship to be honest. I felt like like in the end, he and I hardly knew eachother. And I find that sad. But still, it's hard when you hardly know what love is and yet you give so much of it to other people, not expecting anything in return.

My query is that, what does it feel like to have love reciprocated and you not worry it's going to end within a month? Is that trust? Is that bliss? I don't know because I have never truely known. I would LIKE to know without throwing myself into something and regretting it. Does love give you that feeling that is supposed to give your life meaning? I suppose that's the ever-to-be-answered question.

You see? This is what's been going through my head. Also what has been going through it has been things like: is it my personality that turns people off? am I just not the kind of girl someone could be in a relationship with?

Personally, I'm beginning to think those things of myself. Considering I'm almost nineteen and have had One serious boyfriend. Kinda.

Oh and hey Richard, I'm not suicidal, I'm just beginning to question my life and who I am... So if I get a concerned message from you, all you are getting from me is an "it's okay I'm fine". This is just my head, with a massive headache, a lack of altitude I presume and a long ass couple of days.

So if anyone has any tips for self-fullfillment or someone that they may want to introduce me to, Please let me know. I'd for sure appreciate it.