Yeet or be yeeted

Hah. It’s 03:06 and it figures I’m here.

It’s also been something like 2 and a half years since my last post? Wild.
Well, I’m still here.

I came on here to look for pieces of my past and we’ll if I didn’t find them! What a whirlwind college was. Reducing life to bullet points and a summary. Well here’s some more:

Had a pretty standard existence, adulting and drinking too much and attempting to eat vegetables.
Met a girl at summer camp in the Catskills
My perfect lil house broke
Decided I wanted to marry her because I saw a familiar hurt behind her eyes that looked like mine
Got engaged to that girl and discovered that life was better than it always made itself out to me as
Went home to NC and succinctly sabotaged all of my independent relationships, without knowing
Left my job at CTC because my boss decided I wasn’t worth keeping
My landlord kicked us out because gentrification is a bitch
Up and moved to NY to be with my lady with almost no money
Went to Disney World for the trip of my dreams thanks to my lady’s mom
Trying to figure out who I am and it’s hard in a world that could care less


Well there ya have it.
I’m feeling the emotional weight of not feeling good enough, feeling screwed in the head by my mother who loved me and psychologically abused me to no end and attempting to stomp out the sexual shame that comes with succumbing to your natural self even if it’s been beaten into your skull that That Isn’t Exactly Right. Depression is a hell of a drug.

Luckily my lady takes it in stride, holds me until the sobbing stops, tries to make me laugh and ends up licking my teeth to get me to smile. Yeah, she’s pretty fucking great.
Either way, I’m still here and so are you. So let’s get down to brass tax.

What do you want?

August Idlings..

Well hello!

Welcome 3:45am crowd!

I'm streaming to you live from the comfort of my mega comfy bed in my new house in Charlotte! Gonna be real for a sec, this house is incredible. Like its out of my dreams, this house. Not to mention I'm living with quite literally the most incredible person I've ever had the fortune to get to know and love and be at peace with- yeah it's Sydney Jane. Bless her giant Scorp heart I adore this chick. But we just had a super pleasant evening with her grandmother and we made her dinner (well I made them dinner but they still contributed) and we watched the Great British Cook Off for hours because Baked Goods. Come on people, it's on Netflix.

So quick ol update of life (since as far back as I remember telling you all) as per usual:

Graduated from App with both degrees by the absolute skin of my teeth!
Worked at Horn as Props Master and literally had the worst summer to date, up there
Dated a guy online and it was ...ok
Downloaded Tindr and immediately regretted it
Got a MASSIVE mountain range tattoo on my back!
Moved to Eirelann! For three months, became an Au pair for the OBriens'
Sydney and Justin Nasoff started dating and it was cool
Went to Rome and fell in love with the city (and my waiter)
Flew back and surprised Syd for her graduation!
Christmas/New Years/ St Pattys not a lot to write home about
Randomly road tripped with Joe to Florida to rescue Amy
Then immediately went to NY on a whim
Lise turned 50 and I turned 25 (WHAT JESUS IM GETTING OLD)
Moved to Charlotte and moved in with Syd into a killer house!
Got hired at the Children's Theatre and later at the ImaginOn
Spent the summer not doing Summer Stock for the first time in 4 years
Got hired as the Wardrobe Supervisor at the Children's theatre!!
The NEW Harry Potter play script came out and there's a new Movie coming out soon!
The NEW Star Wars came out and it was AMAZING.

really though besides that lot, I don't know what to say. Currently single and ok with it, excited for what the future will hold. Ready for fall (because Summer's been brutal) and for paychecks to get a little more substantial. Other than all that, I'm okay. Tomorrow is 5 years from Mom's untimely departure. But I think I'm doing ok.

So over and out Rocketeers, you've all been marvelous.

The heart is a strange muscle.

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend last night.. We talked about how our species, humans have adapted to the demands of our environment. In our current generation, he and I agree that monogamy is a tradition of the past in which people are having a harder time trying to "keep" going along with. Cheaters have become pretty synagamous in 20-somethings relationships and casual sex is a day-to-day occurrence. It's not a good thing, but it's an adaptation. We've evolved, not necessarily for the better, but you can't deny the fact that we've changed as a generation. 

It's honestly made me think twice about getting married and settling down with one person. (As I watch Ross's wedding part 2, ironically enough) Ross having been married to a lesbian and divorced before 30, Rachel ran out on her fiancé ,

Ross married again- someone he didn't love only for it to end in tears again. This doesn't give me much hope for the future of our disgenerate young people. 

So I did a thing. 5am and it'll probably never happen again. But we're just friends through it. Platonic. Nothing meant by it. I don't know, but I've definitely come to think that I'm most likely poly-amorous. I just love people. And I love physical connections. Also, I love attention and being appreciated for who I am. Plus it was nice to not be judged for what I am. It was just a friendly exchange and that's what it'll be 

 

The Dubliners..

I'm in the process of getting ready to move to Dublin in the fall so I thought why not go ahead and have my commemorative piece be about there and how incredible it is? I've been inspired by the rainbow bright colors of downtown and by the iconic bridges, everyone knows and loves. 

Perspective.

Shampoo. 

Name brand shampoo. Expensive Neutrogena face wash. 

That's just the beginning of the innate jealousy. 

Demands pizza, grabs credit card from mom. 

Won't stop dropping hints about giraffe onesie for Christmas. Is almost mean about it, but is actually getting one. 

Maybe it's 15 but seriously, she makes my heart hurt. 

Austin Mahone concert tickets, Netflix just for her, Starbucks more frequently than I've ever gone. 

I never ever had it quite that good. 

I was never allowed brand name products. I never bought makeup. My Christmas presents felt deserved because I worked hard to make something for every person in my family at Christmas. I still do. 

Chloe has become so privileged and so full of ungratefulness that it almost makes me feel nauseous. 

I don't think she's ever gotten anything for anyone for Christmas and by her age I was making framed photo collages, buying griddles for my mom and filling her stocking with her favorite stuff. 

Ugh. I wish she would get a shakabuku. 

She makes me sad. 

And I hate that I'm jealous. I'm crazy jealous. I hate her for it. I want to shake her for being this way and for making excuses as to why she can't push the envelope. 

I love her but I detest her and all of her shallow desires. I need to talk to her. I want to and I want her to listen to me but I already know she won't. I know she'll get mad for me saying anything. So I won't. I can't. Things are neutral between us. I just.... I have to show her a little perspective. She needs to know the real meaning of Christmas. It's not about getting presents. It's not about getting what you want. It's about seeing people happy, at least in my opinion. Giving things to my friends and family to see a joy you can't get during the year is my purpose for christmas. I don't know. I know shes 15 but still being on your phone ignoring family, just leave the room for christsakes. 

But that's my rant for now. 

I am an outcast.

My brain doesn't work at all the way that everyone's seem to work.

It's disappointing and when I try to hang out with people who can't live life without quips, I feel as though I've grown past them. My mind is no longer in that realm of needing things to help me deal. Weed and alcohol and cigarettes are no longer what I need. People are no longer what I need. I would be much more suited to a life without "earthly pleasures". I feel as a monk might feel.

Welcome back, 1am.

Well I haven't written in forever.

And while I'm supposed to be "studying" for my Egyptian Art History class, why the hell not add an entry.

Well this school year is going by at the speed of fucking light. The last semester, I swear felt like a whole fucking year went by but in the blink of an eye. I guess 22 does that to you.

I'm about 4.5 months out of my 23rd birthday which is wild to me. I'm also half way through my 5th year at Appalachian. Still going strong on my Art major and Theatre progressions. Dated Derrick until about halfway through July and then that stopped. Haven't slept with anyone since then. I'm also pretty happy about the whole 'giant bed to myself' thing. Cuddling is overrated in my opinion.
I may also just be getting old.

Crazy update: so I found out that I live directly below a previous one-night-stand. His name is Jake and he cracks me the fuck up. I don't really know where I'm going with that and him so who knows.

I've decided to delve into spirituality lately. I've gotten my own set of Tarots, I read palms, I'm beginning to have a great collection of gems to help me keep my balance, and basically I'm just trying to figure out who exactly I am. It's been giving me incredibly insight to my psyche and to who I am as I person- especially since I met Laurel and Laura, Tanner and Conner. There's so much I could go into detail about them but I don't know if I could do that right now.


I've been thinking about my mom lately. It's been what, 2 and a half years since then? It's crazy how time works. I don't really know what to even talk about in this post I just felt like I needed to ramble for a minute. And I suppose study... UGH I hate studying. I just can't get behind the concept. I should've dropped this class. It's only irritating because I love the subject so much. Actually I was talking to Glenn about how if I could open my own school, it'd be awesome. I would have a quiz at the end of each class to see if you retained the information and the lecture time, wouldn't be a lecture... It'd be a conversation that everyone had to participate in. I feel that that is how people would learn. The act of being present in the moment of conversation and information; that's how people understand. It shouldn't be about busy work. It shouldn't be about humongous tests that are 3/4 of your final grade. It should be about understanding. Two hours of class, half hour of key terms to know and overall concepts, then an hour of conversation about the overall subjects- how you feel about them and then 15-20 minutes for a quiz about what we JUST talked about. That's how you register it in your memory; immediate application and recognition. And that's my spiel on that.


Oh you're asking about the one-night-stand guy? Well he's cool. I've only been debating having a conversation with him like.... all day. It's been on my mind so heavily that I've been having trouble thinking about anything else. It's pretty aggravating. I've got feelings for him in a weird way. I have a crush on him but that's like... it. I don't know, he's happy with this girl that our mutual friends set him up with, but Laura told me he's not into that girl. She says she doesn't lie to me so I'll just keep on believing her. But so anyway, his laugh makes whatever I'm doing worth it. I automatically want to be the best for him. I would love just to talk to him and pour our feelings out. I feel like there will come a time. But right now, something that I'm having a problem grasping, is not the time. Right now, he and I are very much "just friends through friends" but we're getting better. He and I have a very skewed friendship but it's completely dialed down when "she" is over. In complete honesty, I hope they last for a while. I like him happy because for a while he wasn't and if I could have any version of him it'd be this one where he's content in the majority of things.
But little things keep bothering me.
He keeps appearing in my dreams in strange ways.
I constantly wonder if he's thinking about me, what I'm doing or how he thinks of me.
I want to curl up and watch an obnoxious amount of movies with him.
I want to be settled up on his couch reading while he reads.

My life is a cruel goddamn cosmic joke. 
This whole situation that I'm in currently is a cruel joke.

I slept with him around like September 2012.
I moved into Apt 6 (from Apt2) in August 2013.
Met him (again) September of 2013.
Got crush on him October/November 2013.
He got girl January 2014.
Found out we slept together back in '12 February of 2014.
Been conflicted ever since.

I'm not sure where to go from here, but hey at least my apartment is paid for through August, I have a new roommate for next year who seems cool.. And Jake and I have the entirety of May to hang out and do whatever. May feels like it's going to be a BIG month. Anyone else feel that way? Who knows what will happen up here in Boone, god help us the zombie apocalypse happens then. Oh well. I guess we will see. May may may may may may may. May May may May MAY MAY. No clue what's happening there. Nothing major just feels busy.
 But let's remain in February for right now...

Upcoming excitement!
-Mary Kay thing rescheduled I think?
-Designing AYPT, got a few more weeks to go!
-Going to Fort Worth, Texas for USITT conference
-Going to New Smyrna, Florida for Spring break (Alternative Service Experience)
-Working at Horn in the West again this summer
-People I don't like are graduating!
-I will hopefully never have to take a language again after this semester!
-New tattoo idea is in the works, need to figure out how to pay for it!
-A whole MONTH of relaxation and nothing
-Allison will be living with me for the summer!!!
-Matt Hudak may be living with us also
-Summer needs to HURRY THE FUCK UP, YO.




Alright, time to smoke my last cigarette and get to work. Because hey, it's 15 til 2. And I need to make this test my bitch.
Peace out, blogosphere.  

Collective Conscious- Reunited

I've gone through my life noticing people.
People I've never met, but feel as though I've known forever. Someone crosses my path, we meet and all of a sudden we are promising to be closer and to let our friendship exceed either of our expectations.
My neighbors have become an incredibly important facet in my life. But something had happened the day that they moved in. I met Conner, Lacy's boyfriend. He's relatively ordinary, completely genuine and really.. just a dude. The problem that I had that first week was that I could immediately remember his name, but not either of the girls (who I thought were cool and all) that he lived with. Just Conner.
What I couldn't explain was the fact that I wasn't exactly sexually attracted to him but it was as if my sights suddenly narrowed and all I could focus on was Conner. I'd met him before. I could feel him being a part of some form of me, but I'd never met him in this lifetime.

Recently I was introduced to something called a "collective consciousness", which interested me right away. I've believed in something like it my entire life but had never had a name to put to it. I thought for a long time it was a type of "witchcraft" but since being introduced to this way of thinking, everything seems to make sense. The strange feelings I'd felt for people (again, in a non-sexual way), the "inklings" as they were in my mind, the weird attachments for people- everything, just began to make sense. 

So back to Conner and I.
The other evening, I thought that I was developing a crush on Conner, I was confusing this weird inkling of a feeling for an actual love connection. I hated that feeling and wanted it gone entirely. I didn't have a desire to sleep with Conner though. I only ever wanted to be as close as possible, as if to know what he's thinking or something in that general sense. The feeling got loose and I spoke about it to Conner to try and ease my mind. I told him that what I was feeling wasn't sexual, it was strictly wanting to feel close with him. I had no desire to take him out of the relationship he has with Lacy. I actually really appreciate their relationship. But as soon as I said anything, he proclaimed back to me that when we first saw each other, he was sure we'd met before in some way. (I guarantee that we haven't.) But there was something different, he said he felt like we'd been close yet had somehow been separated. From there he told me that he felt the need to speak of some recurring dream he had, I just absolutely needed to know this dream. He'd been somewhere on the coastal bluff of an area like Ireland, something had happened between him and someone else, he'd been shoved off of that cliff and was no more. Then he'd wake up.

During the recount he was having, I tried to keep my line of intuition clear. I focused on the act in which he was describing and "1810 .... Dublin" felt like it was being shouted in my ear. Once I closed my eyes, I felt like I was there, watching what was happening. I immediately broke into somewhat uncontrollable tears because the emotional pain that was flooding my body was too great to ignore. I spoke of what was going on in my mind at that moment to Conner and it was like the lights got turned on for the two of us. This brief experience makes me understand the insane desire to move "back to Dublin" as I always let slip, let alone the personal sadness I'd feel while I would stand on the bluff in La Selva. Things just began to make sense.

My belief is in reincarnation, in a sense. I believe that Conner and I have been together in past life cycles, actually quite a few in fact. The previous life cycle, we were apart. But the cycle before that, is when that fatal day in Dublin we believe may have occurred. I feel as though we are connected on the collective conscious plane and have been destined to be together. We both believe it and when we realized that fact, it was almost as if I had been reunited with a brother. We hugged each other closer we ever had before.
Once the pain I experienced from earlier had subsided and Conner and I began to realize what was truly going on, I was filled with so much happiness. It was as if my eyes had been opened and what I'd been searching for sat right in front of me. It's as in a puzzle piece had been put back into my soul and so much of the contempt I felt prior to that evening, was dissipating.

Some people may call me delusional or crazy but I feel like I finally got a handle on my life, my soul, and my mind.

We found love in a hopeless place...

Cheesy, yes I know.

But it's true. I've somehow managed to find myself a man that is... well kind of on the brink of incredible. Apparently all our friends were playing for it to happen and well, I have to say Best Friend (you know who you are *coughALLISONcough*) You actually managed to find someone I wouldn't have ever found myself.

All right, specifics:

His name is Derrick..
or rather William Derrick.
He's 25 and 5'6''.

He's beautiful and dark skinned and, dear god, sexy as all get out.

He really really likes me :) He continuously tells me that while I can't get enough of him.
We have a bad habit of not being able to say goodbye so we've begun saying goodbye half an hour before we part, if you catch my drift ;)

He's patient, understanding, intuitive, possessive (in a good way), a hell of a kisser, a big ol' nerd, loves his family, an artist, creative in a plethora of ways, hilarious and absolutely all mine.

I was attracted to his eyes first. I had a tiny crush on him when I met him at his birthday party but was suddenly reciprocated when he kissed me that night. Then when he told me that he'd call me over the weekend that night, he gave me butterflies. But all of a sudden getting a text that same night a few hours later saying he couldn't wait til the weekend, things kind of went from there.


Him and I can sit and stare at each other and just about know what the other is thinking. If anything gets in the way, we can respect it and talk about it.


I honestly can't say I've been quite this happy in the past 4 years. I've never felt this strongly for anyone. Anyone. He got out of a crazy relationship a while ago and said he's never felt this way about anyone else either. The way he looks at me, the way his hand sits on my cheek or his forehead rests on mine makes my heart flutter out of my chest. I can't hardly stand it. He loves making it known that I'm his.

I LOVE ALL OF HIS FRIENDS. Dear god, I'm so happy. Somehow I fell into a family I've felt like I've known for the last 10 years. I'm glad when I came into it though- sometimes people need time to grow and evolve and become the person you need.
Just like him.

I'm constantly unbelieving that he's with me and at one point I looked at him mid-kiss and said:
"no but really... where have you been my entire life?"
His response?
"I think I was looking for you.."


...


How in hell did I get so fucking lucky? How am I not subconcious about myself around him? How can I not stop kissing him? Or talking to him? How have I let all my barriers down to him Already?? Laurel (one of my new favorite people ever) told me it had to have been the fates. I'm a Cancer and he's a Taurus. Apparently that's a pretty damn good mix. Right now I can't even complain.
Oh and pretty much everything I'm finding out about him lately is an absolute bonus.

And don't hate- but him and I.. we ravage each other in bed. Holy shit, I've never had better. Last night topped everything. And then we laid in bed all day, half out of exhaustion and half out of just love.

Oh yeah did I mention he kinda loves me? He said it first, completely and sincerely and totally awkwardly... But I can't even help but love him back. :)

Mom, if you had any hand in this- thank you so much. Thank you for the perfect man in my life.

Where has the passion gone?

My drawing teacher made me feel so transparent today.

He kept talking about being "present" in your work. And then it hit me:

I haven't been present in over a year. I haven't had any sort of passion since Mom died. And realizing all that makes me so sad that I can't hardly stand it. I want to cry but can't.
I want to be passionate, I want to be great at things but I can't get past myself. My last projects have suffered greatly because of this.

Maybe I need to get laid, or be loved. Maybe I need to take Anti-Depressants. Maybe I need to get out of this country.

I just want to be able to feel and imagine and create again. So far the only things I've become passionate about are my tattoos. But I didn't create them, Rich from Speakeasy did.

I have a huge set of projects ahead of me for The Madwomen of Chaillot, making hats and props and makeup ideas and a lot of things. But I can't seem to get inspired and I've been having this problem for a long time.

I'm so tired of this that I'm willing to resort to anything.

Every damn year.

I'm beginning to be convinced that I'm doing something wrong..


There's something wrong with me that makes it so that people don't want me.

I hate being around people on the holidays especially when they're in a relationship.

Now that I've had time to take a breath... Let's continue.

'Sup blogosphere..

Finals are over. This hell of a semester is over and I'm vegging out.
Ahhh and look at that: it's 5:24am.

Took a shower, watched ALL of the LOTR movies today. (except the Hobbit WHICH I CANT WAIT TO SEE!!) and I just finished watching the Hunger Games.
Total veg mode.

I would like to apologize about my ranting in the last entry.. Sometimes writing is the only way I can remember how to let off steam... I miss my punching bag like crazy.

So update! I'm getting my new tattoo tomorrow! It's the sea otter design with all of the women's initials in my immediate family. It's gonna look amazing and I can't freaking wait. Rich said he'd also put the Deathly hallows symbol on my ankle too so I guess actually I'm getting 2 tomorrow... I'm really excited and I feel like I should bring a book. Maybe it's a good idea to bring the Hobbit. I could read it to Rich- hahahahahaha that would be fucking hilarious.

'Nothah update- I'm going home on Tuesday. Til like January 9th. Cue release of tension: now...
And weirdly enough I've got most of my shit together for Christmas and stuff. I've got my list and I think it's gonna be a GOOD Christmas if the world doesn't end in like 5 days.
Hey- if it screeches to a halt, at least I will be with my family. That's honestly all that matters in my opinion. I plan on clutching Lise and Chloe and Berit and Rose close when that moment supposedly will hit. Who really knows if anything will happen. But I can tell people are getting antsy about it. It's rough thinking that the world is going to end. And right before Christmas, nonetheless.

I have a feeling like SOMETHING is going to happen. Mass suicide? Or the locus's will come or maybe a MASSIVE earthquake in California? Dude I really can't even begin to tell you what.
MAYBE I shouldn't have had that third cup of coffee like 3 hours ago... Hmmmm... Well let's see what I'm thankful for right now.

-I have a beautifully loving dysfunctional family
-I'm alive and healthy and strong
-My relationship with my Dad is getting much better
-I've decided where I want my future to head
-I managed to see a lot of Europe and fall in love with it
-I'm not afraid of pain or dying anymore
-I'm confident in most of my skills
-Uncle Don has helped me not worry about money as much, therefore taking weight off of my family.
-North Carolina is my home and Boone is my bed.
-My movie collection is MASSIVE and relatively thorough.
-I am two major positions in Alpha Psi Omega (VP & UC) and can be trusted to fullfill them well.
-I'm actually happy to be here. 

Fuck me, it's almost 6 and Bridgman will be here at 10:30. I need to go to bed...

**To those who read this: I love you. Even when it seems for me that all is lost in the darkness, love lights the way and leads me to you and your illumination.
So thank you. <3 br="br">

Don't read this one. It's not worth it.

I'm having a hard time.

I don't want to do this shit anymore. I don't want to worry about money and schoolwork and people and personifications and bullshit. I'm tired of the ultimate goal and the people I'm dealing with.

I feel very alone in this whole situation.

I'm tired of being quite so different and so fucking tired of all of this shit. I'm going to end up just like those people I feel bad for... The ones who can't seem to keep up with they're life and I'm turning into that exact person.

Why don't I get that fairytale prince and the parents to help me at every turn? Why do I have to face this godforsaken world all by myself?

"But you aren't alone! You've got [then they list off so-and-so and so-and-so]!"
Yeah, but name three people who would probably do anything for you at the drop of a hat?

Your mom.
Your dad.
Your significant other.

None of which I truly have.

My aunt's trying... My dad could basically give a shit. Significant other? Yeah now that's funny.

On the outside I play the happy go lucky, 'Hey I'll do that for you so that you're not so stressed!', 'Aww let me help YOU feel better about your life' girl.

Being Her is so goddamn exhausting that I can't seem to fix and keep up with my own goddamn life. Somehow I keep forgetting shit that's due.
Or classes, I can't seem to keep in my head what time my fucking classes are.
I'm losing my mind.

I feel like I'm just absolutely losing it and I'm just going to end up failing.
My goal at the moment is to not have a breakdown everyday.

Oh wait, too late- already had one today.

My ...friends? Yeah I can't seem to find them. So like I said, who do I have to rely on?
Dude, beats me.



I've had a lot of people be like "Dude, wtf?" in reference to my attitude.
Honestly I don't know "double-u tee eff". So quit fucking asking.

OYrvywoBAEGUBqg
I JUST WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I don't want Justin and his happy little unreality either.
I don't want Allison's hellhole of a job and half existence either.
I want Mike to stop fucking complaining to me about that "girl" he's obsessed with, yet turn to me and claim to want me. 
I JUST WANT THIS ALL TO STOP.
I could give a fuck about exams. Or school. Or class.
But I can't go home.
Whatever, whereever that is anymore.
Home isn't home.
It's not.
My friends aren't friends. They're freeloaders. At least the last couple have been... Freeloaders of my emotions, money, home and speaking of home- I hate the home I'm in now. MOTHERfucker. My roommate is about as welcoming and friendly as her poor angry hedgehog.
I feel like I tresspass in my own "home". I've dug myself into this godforsaken hole so hard that I can't see daylight anymore. What the hell is wrong with me.
Someone please help me..
I'm done.

When the cold arrives...

I'm beginning to get that numb feeling again. The one where all I want is to feel the warmth of someone whether by thought or recognition or rather even by physical. I hate that about myself. I'm so jealous of my roommate and her boyfriends relationship. I want to be able to say that I'm loved or that i have someone who is expecting me. Instead i have a list of numbers and names I can't/won't call because things were embarassing or ended badly or were just plain fucking dumb. I hate craving companionship, frankly its my least favorite attribute of myself.
I miss my companionship with justin... I know I complain about him, but honestly I miss just being able to snuggle with him. I feel like I havent had much in the way of human contact lately. I want to have someone to snuggle with... but for the love of god who?

Fancy seeing you here, Mr Pinot Noir...

I have spent a very long time without writing and I feel like now is a good time to do so.
...It figures that it's 4am.

Something new has risen up, that which I'm trying to ignore... A crush.

I think I've got a crush on a person who will probably end up marrying the girl he's dating.
Thank god it's only a crush right?

A few other things that have been going on with me lately? I just finished designing my very first show! Even if it was only the Freshman Showcase, I can rightfully say that I designed it. I love that feeling... Also I'm working props for Noises Off which goes up this upcoming weekend.
Another thing, I think I'm slowly getting tired of Justin and his antics. You know sometimes I feel like I'm 10 years older than him and then sometimes he treats me like a 6yr old. I'm not sure where our balance has gone, we used to be so sympatico but I'm just sad and missing him and I feel like if he was up here, he'd panic. I feel as if he just wouldn't be able to handle the whole "living on your own" thing. Or taking care of himself? let alone having or keeping a girlfriend. I feel like he'd be like a rogue 8 year old in a candy/icecream shop with X amount of money. I can't be his mother and he's not my boyfriend. He can do whatever the hell he wants but he can't feed off of me. I open myself to everyone and letting one person crawl in and try to live there just doesn't compute in my book.

But this semester, it looks like I'm commiting myself to my department heavily. I'm blanket designing the New Play Festival, I may or may not be auditioning for RENT, and I want to be the Understudy Chair for APO. Also I want to apply into the Art department... Good lord, what free time again?

I think I may have sworn off of romance/physicality and relationships for a while. I feel as though I can't handle that at this current time and plus after my revealing conversation with Emily and Grayson, I may have gone a bit too far off the deep end sexually.
I'm kind of ashamed of myself. I love too fast and I long for someone.
I always have and I've come to terms with the latter.
Until I can find that person who would do just about anything to be with me, I can't. I can't do it anymore. The loneliness is killing me and I have no idea what I could even do to solve that.

Maybe I didn't want to solve it.
Maybe I wanted someone else to solve it.
Goddamnit I'm not making sense- half a bottle of wine will do that to you I guess.

But I have to say, I really hope that my friendship with Joseph blooms into something awesome. I like where it's going, I mean honestly the boy keeps quiet during movies, yet knows the perfect spot in which to quote them. We giggle like we were in kindergarten about stupid dancer freshmen. We pretty comfortable already which is pretty awesome. Boy has some wild ass hair too. Can't go wrong with wild ass hair. Somehow we managed to talk about Europe for like 2 hours. Not to mention we can respect each others personal space which I have to say is a plus.
And don't judge me, but I checked out astrological compatibility.
Usually that means that I'm crazy into some person I just met but not in this case- I think that considering he's a Taurus and I'm a Cancer and the internet says that that matchup is "soul-mate material" I can see our friendship just amassing on crazy awesome levels.

To be honest, I won't lie- I can see me marrying someone like Joseph. I doubt "he's the one" but hey, he can set a bar can't he?

This is gonna sound stupid, but you know- I want 'the one' to be soon. I'm starting to hope for it. I don't know if I'd want to get married right now, but I think that I wouldn't mind getting married soon.
It won't happen but at least I've already gotten my wedding all planned out. #thankspinterest

You know something though? I don't like sharing my bed unless the other cuddles with me.
And for right now, Bear is winning that competition. :)

#swearingofflove
#wineflowslikeloveblows
#mygiantteddybear
#mychildrenwillhaveafrosandlikeit
#theatreislife
#crushessuck
#idontknowwhattodo
#fightclub
#soulmatesareonlyinfairytales
#lifeiswhatyoumakeit

How do I even... fuck it.

Making the separating between different love is difficult.

I'm learning that the hard way.

At some point I did indeed fall for a friend of mine and our friendship bloomed into something that I don't think I can ever forget.

He fell for my friend.

Reality bit me.

Our friendship is so strong with him and I, that I just got a tattoo in honor of him and the struggle he's been through because I've had this feeling that he and I will always be friends. No matter what.


Right now, I've told him that I needed to add space to our friendship because it was to save it.
From me.
I can promise you that if I don't do this, then the results may be completely astronomical.

Not to mention there is no way in hell that a guy like him and a girl like me would ever be able to be copacetic together. I just need to get it through my thick head that our types don't match. Thus why we're such good friends.

I've lost it. He's with her and I hate to be that third wheel to invite myself when they would like the precious alone time together. But I don't want to "vie for his affections" because I wasn't raised to be that way. I was raised to be independent and not need someone.
Well it looks like "that girl" is coming back.
And I had been so excited to have him come up here... But now, I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes because I don't want him to think that I want to monopolize his time when he clearly wants to spend it with someone else.
I'm not really sure what to do in this situation- staying home has been my main defense.

But NO. I refuse to become third fiddle when he stays with me and eats my food and asks my council because all of his energy is focused on someone else. The only way that I can deal with it is to realize that I'm crazy and I need to get a grip.
Maybe I'm just crazy.

I'm probably just crazy.

I feel crazy.

This is stupid.

I've got to be crazy.

I am crazy. That's it. I'm a crazy jealous bitch who doesn't know how to deal with her life.


I wish I had someone to pursue me. Yep, I'm a jealous bitch who can't be happy for anyone else because her own life is fucked up.
All I've Ever wanted was a confidante.
He and I became that for each other and then he started out for her.
I no longer feel so much like a confidante but something to bide his time before she gets off work. But now I'm not letting myself feel that way so I go to work and class and not let myself have any part of that.

I need to paint. I need to eat food, drink water, socialize with someone who I'm not so dependent on.
Yes, I feel dependent on him. But what do I depend on him for? Compliments? Hugs? Someone to listen to me on occaision? What about this occaision? I can't see him wanting to listen to any of this. I see him saying "No No NO. I LOVE you and that's that". Okay.......? Sometimes just saying it isn't enough. Just saying it, it just turns to words.
And I know he depends on me but for what. I haven't been able to figure that out yet. Company outside of Mooresville. Poptarts. Someone to tell that they aren't coming home because they're cuddling with someone else. I think he and I just got too close.

Maybe I'm trying to fill the void I have from losing Mom? Sounds like something a therapist would say to me come to think of it. 
Jesus christ, I need a change already. I'm starting to get that feeling like I need to leave this country again. Go somewhere completely different where no one knows me.


I look at the relationship he and I have and I love it. I love how we act around each other and how we can confide in each other. I love the fact that we can just sit together and I love the fact that when he doesn't feel great, he lets me worry. I love that I have someone to buy presents for and to not be able to wait to see. I love that he hugs me. He has no idea how even goddamn grateful I am to have him in my life.
But I still refuse to be third fiddle. I'm not that sort of person.

I'm just crazy. I guess that's it.

Time to paint then.

No Words.

As I listen to "Some Nights" by Fun. yet again tonight (this morning since it's 4:27am), I start to recollect this past week...
I must say it's been so incredibly showing of many things.

Today was the year anniversary of my Mom's passing and I learned that I have a great friend in my dear Frankie-Francesa Gayle. She got me out of bed and into the sunshine.
I found that I underestimate or being to overestimate people and then they hit my expectations. I'm looking at you, Justin. I was pretty sure I wasn't to get any notice from someone I consider a best friend until he couldn't help but message/FaceTime and make me laugh. Them two are exactly what I asked God for when I was a little girl.
And having Justin in Boone with me made life so much easier to try and deal with. Of course there were a few bumps along the way (getting pulled over, getting a flat on top of a goddamn mountain, ya know- the usual). But overall and many poptarts later, the weekend extended to a week. Then there was alcohol involved and emotions were released. Issues and conflicts were brought up but what else could possibly happen when the liquor is flowing, good friends are near and music is setting the perfect scene.

I'm almost completely settled into my new place. Amaria and I seem to already have a great relationship (and a good deal of drunk pictures already) and I can't wait for the rest of this year.

There's still a mental blockage of this year, I can't seem to picture a lot of anything in the future for some reason. Maybe that's good? All I know is that I plan on not being quite so frivolous and galavantly galavanting all over town. I want to get a hold of all my affairs and my personal faculties.
I really should make a list so I can't forget everything that I need to do, get ready and promise to myself.

I promise not to try not to overload myself this semester.
I promise to be better with money, than I have been this year.
I promise to not take anything for granted.
I promise to make whoever I start dating, happy as much as I can.
And finally, I promise to go on plenty of adventures.

No, I can't sleep now- Doctor Who is on

I hate being home alone. At 5am.

Being home alone makes me think things.

Thinking things to myself late at night gets me riled up about even stupider things.

Getting riled up makes this melodramatic girl not be able to sleep and makes the shadows move.

Shadows flickering in the corners freak me out.


I had a conversation with a friend of mine tonight. She's a wonderful friend and I love her to absolute death. It's only that when I get inside my own head (like I've probably mentioned before at some point or a hundred times before) is when I will refuse just about all reason except my own.
This evening when in conversation with Frankie, somehow I got on the topic of relationships. Something about me asking her to "wrangle me a man" whether it be in Florida, where she was on vacation or it be where we go to school.
My reasoning to her? Because I am not capable myself.
To flesh that thought out a little bit more? Because I've done too many regrettable things and can't keep interest in whoever I'm dating.
And to finish out my ridiculous thought? My standards are too high.

And of course, Frankie chimed in beautifully with exactly what any friend should say in encouragement and faith in a new day and new people.
"You just haven't found the right person! Do what you do and that right person will come around and it'll be perfect, I promise" are the words of a good friend.

Well unfortunately, her words only managed to rile me up even more. She said that I'm worth my high standards. She said that to lower them and settle is just subjecting myself.
But in all honesty, what lengths would or should I go to, to acquire the intimacy that I've desired so intensely since the beginning of my adolescence? (wow, look at me go with all this fancy vernacular- Ooh I like that one too!) Now I suppose it's typical of teens to desire someone sexually but I'm not exactly... that way. I mean yes, periodically I can be. But I what I crave (that isn't carnal, I suppose) is complete trust and emotional absolute security. Even since I was entering junior high and into high school, that's all I've wanted. Not even my first kiss let alone ...further than that.

So Frankie said not to lower my standards...
And I think that if I write them out, she'll see what I mean.

Hmm... this part is tricky.

What am I looking for? 

A man. Not a boy.
Dark hair and light eyes.
Accent (preferable but not required)
A bit taller than myself but not so tall at the same time.
Must be able to talk to endlessly and comfortably.
Movie and music lover but not a snob.
Kind and gentle yet tough and willing to fight.
Smiles and hugs often.
Doesn't bullshit me and won't lie to me.
Embraces my geekiness and my nerdlike habits.
Understands my intense love for my mother, my family and the past.
Will be willing to argue just for the sake of arguing.
Doesn't care (and could be willing to join in) on movie/tv marathons periodically.
Is willing to eat strange things.
Lets me indulge in silly things (Call Me Mayyyybeee!!) every now and again. 
Can be spontaneous at a moments' notice.
Might be willing to break rules.
Doesn't have unrealistic expectations of children and the future.
Romantic to an extent that is cheesy and silly and crazy that makes everyone else jealous but not everyday of course...
Doesn't care if I haven't shaved my legs that morning.
Could give a shit if I was primped enough, but won't hesitate to appreciate the time I've put in. 
Indulges in my moments of Earth-savingness that occur occasionally.
Understands all, if not most of my quirks, and knows that they dissipate after a little while.


Yep... I think my standards are too high.
I require too much of one person and I think over time, I'll accept it.
Or maybe I'll try my hand at online dating or something... Who knows.

And for now, I'll just mull all of this over because who needs sleep at 5:23 in the morning? Besides, Doctor Who is on and the coffee-lifeblood-sustenance will be brewed momentarily...

JTN- Make sure and visit ALL the time, please...

After a fantastic weekend moving myself into Boone and trying to give Emily a great experience as a Boonie, I have to say that I'm going to be sad to see this summer go. I've gotten so close with quite a few people here in  Mooresville.
The main person though that is like, the friend I've waited for- is my crazy close friend Justin. I don't even know what the deal is, I just love the kid. It's the little things... I'll say something stupid and he laughs. He texts me to make sure I'm alright if I'm in a terrible mood.
I don't really have a lot of friends that I feel this strongly about.

And then there's Emily, my golden gilmore girl :) I love this chick, I think she knows too much thus the reason why I've decided to hold on to her for a long while. Plus we share a deep love for snuggling and delicious food.

Not to mention everyone I've made a connection to this year, you've helped me get through an incredibly hard period of my life and I honestly don't know what I would've done if I hadn't had the friends that I had. Or if you hadn't given me the distractions that I needed, I would've driven myself crazy.

I'm glad to say that this summer has been pretty fantastic, and when people ask me about how it was that's exactly what I'm going to tell them.

I've gone to Europe and experienced a different life, came home and lived the life I carved out for myself over the last 6 years. Two times that I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world...
I would never trade the love and the friendship that I've gotten used to being able to parade around.
I am so incredibly blessed and ab-sol-fuckin-lutely lucky with everything I've received this summer.

You get really thankful for things when you realize it's near the end of a special time... I don't even know what I'll do when I have to go back to school and Justin's here in Mooresville. I'm used to talking to him and seeing him like everyday. It'll suck but I guess we'll get over it. Or I'll just have to continuously call him and sing radio hits in his ear, which I know he LOVES. Eh, it'll all be fine.

Life is too fucking short.

Today's been a weird day.

I drove back from moving Emily into Wilmington today.
I harrassed Justin to come over (surprise surprise).
I ate a sandwich and worried about money.
I found out my friend Paige died last night.
I realized it's been almost a year (23 days until) since Mom died.

I don't.. Words are hard right now, it's 4:24 in the morning and I can't sleep. I thank my absolute lucky stars that I'm safe, healthy and loved right now.
You begin to realize how precious life truly is when someone you know (even if they weren't that close to you) passes away.
I texted Justin just to tell him how blessed I was to have him in my life.
I don't know who put him there, but all I know is that he isn't leaving and I promise to be with and around that boy until the day I die.
The amount of love I've gotten from the people who care about me and the family and friends that I've accumulated over the past few years is amazing. I wouldn't have ever even thought close to all this.

Sometimes life gets put into perspective for you. And then you begin to realize that even words can't describe. No amount of faith in whatever form you choose, can force you to see just how blessed and absolutely lucky someone like myself truly is.
I think I've been spoiled for most of my life. Nothing has been a tremendous hardship (except for Mom of course) but everything is livable.
Humans and the human psyche are incredible things.


Well Mom, would you look out for Paige Kriegel- she's a really sweet girl and is new up there.
Love to the both of you from the absolute bottom of my heart.
My thoughts go out to Paige's family and also to all of my family that struggles with hardships and issues of any nature. My thoughts and love go out to everyone- I just want everyone to know that they can live through those hardships and trials.
Especially if you believe in yourself.

And final parting words before I pass out- hold onto your family and friends, whoever those are that you surround yourself with, hard. Hold them hard and long, keep them close.