An Amazing end to a Wild Year

Today.
Today was Christmas.

Today is Usually a day of stress, anxiety, desires to please, over-thinking, regrets, and disappointments.

Today was not that day. It was one of the best days I've had in an Incredibly long time.

I was with my family today and we remembered just how much we loved each other, and we remembered how far we've come, just even now.

Most of us had monetary issues this year. But that didn't stop us; we made presents for each other and got things we knew each other wanted.
I made presents that I wanted to mean something to each of my family. For Chloe, I made her a stuffed animal from scratch and put the precision into it I would for a professional piece, like Chlo-bell deserves. I drew Lise a picture of Chloe and took so much time on it because It Had To Be Perfect. It didn't turn out too bad either. And then I knit my Grandma a scarf that I had been working on for so long I don't even know. But I finished my projects and completed my own personal goal to get everything I wanted to get accomplished, Accomplished before Christmas. And I did.

Not so Usual....

Alright. Life Recap:

I'm getting over being so sad. Life will and has gone on. :)
and wow.. Tonight has for sure been interesting.

People are happy around me :) which I'm happy for them! Of course!

But god, I just had a conversation with Erin (and mom sorta).. It's wierd. I feel like I'm falling behind...
But I guess some people aren't cut out for long term relationships. Don't give me that bullshit of "you're just waiting for Mr Right". I really can't stand it when people tell me that.

I'm going to be fine. I'll settle eventually. And I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being a realist. Because eventually you end up settling for someone. Or that person moves on and goes on with their lives without you.
I'm scared of being one of those people. I'm scared I'll turn into my dad. And I don't want to do that. OR I'm scared that the person I fall madly in love with, will do what he did. I don't want to be hurt. It's more of that I'm scared to since I haven't really ever had that. Honestly I no longer count Austin because he and I had a great 4 months but... I don't know. I look back at it and it was so full of mistakes. So many things I did wrong. I always wonder what it might be like if he and I were still together but then I think, how? How would we still be together if I had been lying to myself? I don't know. It's a funny situation.
I would love to be pursued though. It's tough watching so many of my friends getting married and being in love and etc. I want that. I want to be in love with a best friend.

But everyone knows that's just a fairytale. That hardly ever happens. Because there will always be issues, people will always get on my nerves, my "better half" will get sick of it, not see the point of continuing and leave. Everyone always leaves.

Good Lord that's morbid. But at the moment, there's not a lot for me to look up to.

Tonight was interesting though... I listened to my friend Andrew Black about his crazy love life. He's in love with a girl who for some reason cannot love him back. I don't know why... considering he's attractive, funny, WAY too goofy for his own good, and has a Huge romantic heart. The poor boy is unfortunately head over heels and has no way of getting out of it.


So I'm sitting here thinking, "Hmm what if Andrew and I went out? We have a lot in common!" but it's got nothing to do with that anyway. It's all about the attraction.
Him and I could be absolutely great friends though. I need to quit being desparate and focus on me. Projects, writing, auditioning, working out (SO I CAN FIT IN MY DRESS!!! PLEASE!!), hanging out with friends and not ever searching for a Beau.


I'm prepared to go back to "best friend" status.
Here goes...

You Can Call me Al...

Life gets ya down.
I guess I'm the perfect example.
Erin bought a lot of my Actual issues to light last night, thank god. I was worried for myself honestly. I haven't been that bad since freshman year of high school. I don't like being like that, I don't believe that it's healthy. But crying is and getting everything out and on the table is. I feel decently better today, after talking to Erin and also actually to Cameron. He tried... I could tell, which means he cares, at least a little.

But at least today was better.

I just want this semester to finish up fast.
with okay days and okay everything else....

Just sleeping to dream...

I think I used up all my good karma... It's kind of a sad feeling. I need something to look forward to, to inspire me, to give me hope. I need someone to hold.

While I wear this ridickulous hat and sweats and my eyes unfocus as I just start to type. I realize that I need someone and I need someone to need me. I hate feeling alone. I need something to look forward to. I hate bringing people down especially when I'm sad. I hate being sad. I want so badly just to hold someone. And the more I want or need someone, the further that person goes away. I can feel it. Because I need to be back in love with myself and life and then that person will find me. I feel like they're close but I have no idea who it is at all. But all I know is that I want this to stop and I want to be myself again. I hate this feeling. I just want to sleep for like 6 months. No food, no water, just sleep. This weekend will consist of that. Maybe I can steal the room for a while on saturday and ask shane if he wants to come over. I don't know, I almost feel like him and I are forced. Or we're trying too hard. Or even Cam. I just want someone who wants me. Which is NEVER going to happen. I'm going to end up like Coach Beast from Glee, huge and scary and old and most likely in a job that I hate. That's such a bright future in front of me. God, it makes me so FUCKING EXCITED to get to wait to do that. I hate this. I hate this so much. I love everything about my life except for myself right now. There is so much I'd change about myself right now. And I bet there's no one in the universe who'd keep me the way I am. I'm going to be that one person every 1000 years who can't/won't find her matching person. I bet mine was some soldier in Iraq that got killed there. There ya go, I'm a Pre-Widow. AWESOME. I hate this. I just want a hug... A kiss on the cheek? A loving glance... A quiet embrace that reassures me about everything. GOD I FUCKING HATE THIS. MAKE IT STOPPP!! I just want to cry right now. I want so badly for everyone else to be happy and just end it for me. Everyone else has motivation. What's mine??? That's right, I don't have any!! I just want to go away. I don't want to be by myself anymore. I can't do this. I used to be so self-sufficient. I used to not believe that you truely needed anybody to be happy. But that is so far from right... I want to cry. I want to kill everyone who tells me how fucking happy they are. I want to shoot them until they stop twitching. I hate this. I'm not like this EVER. But right now, I don't even know. Someone please help? I'm crying out right now because I just want a damn hug that doesn't feel fake...

Someone catch me because I'm falling..
My heart hurts. I want so badly just to talk to someone. Help.

Holy Rusted Metal Batman!

My brain hurts and I'm conflicted and I can't seem to wrap my mind around anything that I feel needs a descision. I won't lie, I love life and I love all of my friends and I love the opportunities that have been ...thrusted? upon me. I'm so incredibly thankful that I live in Boone and get two jobs and can party without too many consequences but I miss my old friends. I DO NOT miss high school, but I miss like..Frankie and Beege and just hanging out with them but I feel like something doesn't click like it used to? I have to admit, selling my soul to the theatre department hasn't been quite as rewarding as I originally planned on it being. I miss being able to play frisbee and I miss being not-busy all the time and just hanging with people instead of having to plan every minute of my life out. It gets so tiring that I just want to be by myself, or just get a text from someone asking if I want to hang out. I no longer get those texts. I feel like no one cares. But then if I EVER let on to that I get this response: "oh... well I know that your super busy... I just don't try anymore". You know what? I TRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME TO TRY AND HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE. I TRY ALL THE TIME. I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO TRY ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED. I JUST WANT A FRIEND WHO'S THERE.... Oh wait, I have a couple like that. And they're in the Theatre department. They listen to me and hear me rant and they give me hugs and will text me to ask if I want to go get Mexican or if I want to take a Last-second trip to Raleigh to go see a show, and oh wait, Don't worry about the ticket, I already bought it for you so you Can see it!... I feel like my friends that I used to have are slowly dissapating and it depresses me. It's not that I hate them, it's not that I don't have time for them, and it's not like I Don't Have Any free time. It's because they no longer want to make the effort. And honestly, I don't give a shit. If people no longer want to even... make the effort? then I could care Even less. I ALWAYS make the effort. I WANT to make the effort. And me being busy isn't something that I didn't choose. Yes, I want to be busy and I have specific reasons but honestly I have plenty of free time. If people want to hang out with me, Go right on ahead. But since they apparently could care less, it's no skin off my nose.
I don't know... I'm feeling more and more appathetic these days. I'm just tired of not being able to rely on anyone outside of Theatre. I feel safe in my Chapell Wilson. But I'm just tired and want someone to make an effort to me...
Maybe I just want..a significant other. I know I've been trying to hard. I'm lonely. I'm busy, and stuck on this damn island. I've been stuck on this island for so long and would like to join the real world and not be so paranoid. The only time I don't feel paranoid is when I'm with Allison and Colleen. Like, I know and they know that we unconditionally love each other and I fit with them. It's weird because I've never fit like that with people. I'm always the one that is outside that loop but I fit in with them. And that's basically all I want I guess. But I want someone who I feel likes me not for ..other reasons.. but likes me for me. And I'm sure I've said that PLENTY of times but it's just like, Cam and I went out and got dinner at Hob Nob yesterday. It was fun because it wasn't like "is this a date? is this something else??" it was relaxed and we just talked and then we went to the BeansTalk and he taught and proceeded to kick my ass in checkers and then in chess (even though I won) and ask the 8 ball questions and just lounge. After that we went to the Hookah bar and chilled and kinda snuggled and just relaxed. He makes me so chilled out that when I think of him I smile :) But then once we decided to leave we went to his apartment, watched V for Vendetta and then I stayed over and we passed out. We're just friends and I love it this way. No more sexually charged energy as there should be and we just hung out. It was just nice to know that I have a friend like that.. And he isn't gay and he's attractive. It's nice :)

I am tired though of pushing myself to find someone though. I guess I just want some one to talk to. I have Allison and Colleen but I want someone to kiss and to snuggle with and someone to goof around with and to watch movies with and just overall be with. I am in love with the idea of love... Yet, I cannot seem to locate it's position in my life. And this is sad/bad/not glad of me to say this but at the moment, ALL of the people I'm friends with that are in relationships make me ill. I still love them but I physically cannot deal with it. For me at the moment, it's like something that you want so badly being dangled in front of you and to them it's fucking hilarious. Cutsy makes me want to strangle people. I cannot stand it. This week "Romeo and Juliet" opened and yes, I was working for it and seriously, I just had to remind myself, "they all die in the end..." That's HORRIBLE but it was the only thing to keep me from walking out of the theatre, even though the show is being done by ALL OF MY FRIENDS. My roommate had a boyfriend and she was upset because he never called her/texted/emailed/etc (long distance relationship) and she broke up with him, I felt better for her, but I was also sort of glad. And again, that's SO BAD to say... I feel like such an awful person for exposing all of this but I needed to say it. I couldn't just hold it in. I'm admitting that I need/want a boyfriend. And I really just don't know what to do. I want to be pursued, not be the pursuer. Colleen told me that I deserved to be pursued and I want so badly to agree but it's never happened to me in a way that wasn't I guess, creepy? I don't know. I just am so tired of making all the descisions. Please let there be someone who will make descisions for me!!

*sigh*

I think I might be done ranting. My mind seems a little lighter now... God, I need something good that will change my life for the better. Please? I'd appreciate it. But take your time. I don't want to rush you :)

Welcome Home...

Being home is.... not what I expected. I feel like I've packed away a time capsule with my family and home inside. Like nothing has changed but people have somehow gotten different. It's wierd. But not even really.

I noticed this little notebook on the coffee table and figured Mom had written in it. So I opened it and in the back, the last like 5 pages were filled with her writing. It kind of made me sad to read what she wrote... It was back when she was with my dad and before they had split up. It was basically her absolutely terrified of the real world and going out and getting a job. She felt like she could be a writer but she was too scared to send anything in. She said she felt lost and didn't realize how difficult a mundane life would end up being. So basically why try anymore?

I never realized how lost she felt and how unsure of herself she was. I mean, I myself am pretty damn sure of myself most of the time and I suppose I've gotten that from my dad. But damn, I know for a fact, I don't want to end up like how my mom feels. That would kill me on the inside. I have been in that position where I felt trapped and I wouldn't be able to do that for a living. I need to always be moving or else I might keel over. A desk job is probably the last thing I would EVER see myself doing. Unless it was something that I truly loved and required me at a desk occaisionally. But good god, I know I am meant to do something that involves the Theatre. I know that for a fact.

Hahahaha right now I'm fullfilling my night and talking to my best friend and her ABSOLUTELY cute friend in California. This is ridiculous. She can make my day so much better. Even by us not talking. It's fantabulous :)

Night has been made. <3

Nothing is what it seems in this City of Dreams...

I like him.

I think I do at least. Because I've never felt like this before. I'm really confused on my emotions right now. It's wierd because we have chemistry but aren't like ALL over eachother. I feel like I can be myself around him. I Have been myself around him. I can see him while wearing sweats and also while wearing a skirt or whatever. I really like his hugs. I want to kiss him but anytime is okay with me. I don't get this because to me, I'm usually all over guys and then it just gets bad. But he seems to be alright with my craziness. I really kinda like this thing. I see myself being friends with him or I see him and I being something. I'd love that. I'd love if he and I were to become something. I feel like him and I are a good balence but oh my god, I'm so rambly right now. I've been thinking about him. Like over the weekend, I was shopping with my friend Audrey on King St and found a record store. I found an Elvis LP and bought it for him. I thought he might like it since he LOVES Elvis. I loved seeing his reaction when he saw it. It just made me happy in a mellow kind of way. I just wanted to do something nice for him that was nothing. I love records and yeah, I think he liked it. I'm always sad when I have to watch him leave. Like he had to go write a paper and I was going out with Allison and my friends for her birthday. Once we got back, I walked into the market and called him, suggesting (or rather asking to see him) a study break. And so we hung out in my dorm, and we just giggled and smiled and we do that. We sit and talk and laugh. Him and I are good at that. He is easy to make laugh and I love that. His face makes me laugh. Oh geez, I like him. I want so badly to say "Could we have a movie date soon?" I don't know why, I think it's the whole saying the word "date" that freaks guys out of it. But I keep seeing in my head a picture of him and I watching an old movie, me in his arms and him smiling. That's all. It's so damn sappy but it's just a nice thought. I'd love to just hold hands with the boy. He makes me want to just go slow. But damn, he's a freaking ladys' man. GEEZ. He is so damn charming it's ridiculous. BUT I let him know that his charms are cute. But I am immune :) Or maybe I'm not ;) I don't know. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to know how I feel but I'd almost rather keep it like this because I almost don't want to ruin the friendship we've got. I just think he's special in a goofy kind of way. I meant to show him that pair of Batman converse. I think he'd actually die if he saw those. I really just want to show up with them, all nonchalantly and be like, "oh yeah so I got some new shoes... you like?"

But that would be so mean :D I love this song right now, "Good Love " by The Last Goodnight. I honestly wish that he could just read my mind and see how I feel about this situation. Til then though, I'm going to watch movies with him, have dinners and lunches and snacks with him, go on walks with him, talk to him and laugh with him, think about him and generally that's about it. I really want one of his hugs right now :) Just a giant bearhug. But it's okay, he said he would hopefully see me tommorrow. And that makes me happy :)

He makes me happy :)

Even if he doesn't know it.