Don't read this one. It's not worth it.

I'm having a hard time.

I don't want to do this shit anymore. I don't want to worry about money and schoolwork and people and personifications and bullshit. I'm tired of the ultimate goal and the people I'm dealing with.

I feel very alone in this whole situation.

I'm tired of being quite so different and so fucking tired of all of this shit. I'm going to end up just like those people I feel bad for... The ones who can't seem to keep up with they're life and I'm turning into that exact person.

Why don't I get that fairytale prince and the parents to help me at every turn? Why do I have to face this godforsaken world all by myself?

"But you aren't alone! You've got [then they list off so-and-so and so-and-so]!"
Yeah, but name three people who would probably do anything for you at the drop of a hat?

Your mom.
Your dad.
Your significant other.

None of which I truly have.

My aunt's trying... My dad could basically give a shit. Significant other? Yeah now that's funny.

On the outside I play the happy go lucky, 'Hey I'll do that for you so that you're not so stressed!', 'Aww let me help YOU feel better about your life' girl.

Being Her is so goddamn exhausting that I can't seem to fix and keep up with my own goddamn life. Somehow I keep forgetting shit that's due.
Or classes, I can't seem to keep in my head what time my fucking classes are.
I'm losing my mind.

I feel like I'm just absolutely losing it and I'm just going to end up failing.
My goal at the moment is to not have a breakdown everyday.

Oh wait, too late- already had one today.

My ...friends? Yeah I can't seem to find them. So like I said, who do I have to rely on?
Dude, beats me.



I've had a lot of people be like "Dude, wtf?" in reference to my attitude.
Honestly I don't know "double-u tee eff". So quit fucking asking.

OYrvywoBAEGUBqg
I JUST WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I don't want Justin and his happy little unreality either.
I don't want Allison's hellhole of a job and half existence either.
I want Mike to stop fucking complaining to me about that "girl" he's obsessed with, yet turn to me and claim to want me. 
I JUST WANT THIS ALL TO STOP.
I could give a fuck about exams. Or school. Or class.
But I can't go home.
Whatever, whereever that is anymore.
Home isn't home.
It's not.
My friends aren't friends. They're freeloaders. At least the last couple have been... Freeloaders of my emotions, money, home and speaking of home- I hate the home I'm in now. MOTHERfucker. My roommate is about as welcoming and friendly as her poor angry hedgehog.
I feel like I tresspass in my own "home". I've dug myself into this godforsaken hole so hard that I can't see daylight anymore. What the hell is wrong with me.
Someone please help me..
I'm done.

When the cold arrives...

I'm beginning to get that numb feeling again. The one where all I want is to feel the warmth of someone whether by thought or recognition or rather even by physical. I hate that about myself. I'm so jealous of my roommate and her boyfriends relationship. I want to be able to say that I'm loved or that i have someone who is expecting me. Instead i have a list of numbers and names I can't/won't call because things were embarassing or ended badly or were just plain fucking dumb. I hate craving companionship, frankly its my least favorite attribute of myself.
I miss my companionship with justin... I know I complain about him, but honestly I miss just being able to snuggle with him. I feel like I havent had much in the way of human contact lately. I want to have someone to snuggle with... but for the love of god who?

Fancy seeing you here, Mr Pinot Noir...

I have spent a very long time without writing and I feel like now is a good time to do so.
...It figures that it's 4am.

Something new has risen up, that which I'm trying to ignore... A crush.

I think I've got a crush on a person who will probably end up marrying the girl he's dating.
Thank god it's only a crush right?

A few other things that have been going on with me lately? I just finished designing my very first show! Even if it was only the Freshman Showcase, I can rightfully say that I designed it. I love that feeling... Also I'm working props for Noises Off which goes up this upcoming weekend.
Another thing, I think I'm slowly getting tired of Justin and his antics. You know sometimes I feel like I'm 10 years older than him and then sometimes he treats me like a 6yr old. I'm not sure where our balance has gone, we used to be so sympatico but I'm just sad and missing him and I feel like if he was up here, he'd panic. I feel as if he just wouldn't be able to handle the whole "living on your own" thing. Or taking care of himself? let alone having or keeping a girlfriend. I feel like he'd be like a rogue 8 year old in a candy/icecream shop with X amount of money. I can't be his mother and he's not my boyfriend. He can do whatever the hell he wants but he can't feed off of me. I open myself to everyone and letting one person crawl in and try to live there just doesn't compute in my book.

But this semester, it looks like I'm commiting myself to my department heavily. I'm blanket designing the New Play Festival, I may or may not be auditioning for RENT, and I want to be the Understudy Chair for APO. Also I want to apply into the Art department... Good lord, what free time again?

I think I may have sworn off of romance/physicality and relationships for a while. I feel as though I can't handle that at this current time and plus after my revealing conversation with Emily and Grayson, I may have gone a bit too far off the deep end sexually.
I'm kind of ashamed of myself. I love too fast and I long for someone.
I always have and I've come to terms with the latter.
Until I can find that person who would do just about anything to be with me, I can't. I can't do it anymore. The loneliness is killing me and I have no idea what I could even do to solve that.

Maybe I didn't want to solve it.
Maybe I wanted someone else to solve it.
Goddamnit I'm not making sense- half a bottle of wine will do that to you I guess.

But I have to say, I really hope that my friendship with Joseph blooms into something awesome. I like where it's going, I mean honestly the boy keeps quiet during movies, yet knows the perfect spot in which to quote them. We giggle like we were in kindergarten about stupid dancer freshmen. We pretty comfortable already which is pretty awesome. Boy has some wild ass hair too. Can't go wrong with wild ass hair. Somehow we managed to talk about Europe for like 2 hours. Not to mention we can respect each others personal space which I have to say is a plus.
And don't judge me, but I checked out astrological compatibility.
Usually that means that I'm crazy into some person I just met but not in this case- I think that considering he's a Taurus and I'm a Cancer and the internet says that that matchup is "soul-mate material" I can see our friendship just amassing on crazy awesome levels.

To be honest, I won't lie- I can see me marrying someone like Joseph. I doubt "he's the one" but hey, he can set a bar can't he?

This is gonna sound stupid, but you know- I want 'the one' to be soon. I'm starting to hope for it. I don't know if I'd want to get married right now, but I think that I wouldn't mind getting married soon.
It won't happen but at least I've already gotten my wedding all planned out. #thankspinterest

You know something though? I don't like sharing my bed unless the other cuddles with me.
And for right now, Bear is winning that competition. :)

#swearingofflove
#wineflowslikeloveblows
#mygiantteddybear
#mychildrenwillhaveafrosandlikeit
#theatreislife
#crushessuck
#idontknowwhattodo
#fightclub
#soulmatesareonlyinfairytales
#lifeiswhatyoumakeit

How do I even... fuck it.

Making the separating between different love is difficult.

I'm learning that the hard way.

At some point I did indeed fall for a friend of mine and our friendship bloomed into something that I don't think I can ever forget.

He fell for my friend.

Reality bit me.

Our friendship is so strong with him and I, that I just got a tattoo in honor of him and the struggle he's been through because I've had this feeling that he and I will always be friends. No matter what.


Right now, I've told him that I needed to add space to our friendship because it was to save it.
From me.
I can promise you that if I don't do this, then the results may be completely astronomical.

Not to mention there is no way in hell that a guy like him and a girl like me would ever be able to be copacetic together. I just need to get it through my thick head that our types don't match. Thus why we're such good friends.

I've lost it. He's with her and I hate to be that third wheel to invite myself when they would like the precious alone time together. But I don't want to "vie for his affections" because I wasn't raised to be that way. I was raised to be independent and not need someone.
Well it looks like "that girl" is coming back.
And I had been so excited to have him come up here... But now, I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes because I don't want him to think that I want to monopolize his time when he clearly wants to spend it with someone else.
I'm not really sure what to do in this situation- staying home has been my main defense.

But NO. I refuse to become third fiddle when he stays with me and eats my food and asks my council because all of his energy is focused on someone else. The only way that I can deal with it is to realize that I'm crazy and I need to get a grip.
Maybe I'm just crazy.

I'm probably just crazy.

I feel crazy.

This is stupid.

I've got to be crazy.

I am crazy. That's it. I'm a crazy jealous bitch who doesn't know how to deal with her life.


I wish I had someone to pursue me. Yep, I'm a jealous bitch who can't be happy for anyone else because her own life is fucked up.
All I've Ever wanted was a confidante.
He and I became that for each other and then he started out for her.
I no longer feel so much like a confidante but something to bide his time before she gets off work. But now I'm not letting myself feel that way so I go to work and class and not let myself have any part of that.

I need to paint. I need to eat food, drink water, socialize with someone who I'm not so dependent on.
Yes, I feel dependent on him. But what do I depend on him for? Compliments? Hugs? Someone to listen to me on occaision? What about this occaision? I can't see him wanting to listen to any of this. I see him saying "No No NO. I LOVE you and that's that". Okay.......? Sometimes just saying it isn't enough. Just saying it, it just turns to words.
And I know he depends on me but for what. I haven't been able to figure that out yet. Company outside of Mooresville. Poptarts. Someone to tell that they aren't coming home because they're cuddling with someone else. I think he and I just got too close.

Maybe I'm trying to fill the void I have from losing Mom? Sounds like something a therapist would say to me come to think of it. 
Jesus christ, I need a change already. I'm starting to get that feeling like I need to leave this country again. Go somewhere completely different where no one knows me.


I look at the relationship he and I have and I love it. I love how we act around each other and how we can confide in each other. I love the fact that we can just sit together and I love the fact that when he doesn't feel great, he lets me worry. I love that I have someone to buy presents for and to not be able to wait to see. I love that he hugs me. He has no idea how even goddamn grateful I am to have him in my life.
But I still refuse to be third fiddle. I'm not that sort of person.

I'm just crazy. I guess that's it.

Time to paint then.

No Words.

As I listen to "Some Nights" by Fun. yet again tonight (this morning since it's 4:27am), I start to recollect this past week...
I must say it's been so incredibly showing of many things.

Today was the year anniversary of my Mom's passing and I learned that I have a great friend in my dear Frankie-Francesa Gayle. She got me out of bed and into the sunshine.
I found that I underestimate or being to overestimate people and then they hit my expectations. I'm looking at you, Justin. I was pretty sure I wasn't to get any notice from someone I consider a best friend until he couldn't help but message/FaceTime and make me laugh. Them two are exactly what I asked God for when I was a little girl.
And having Justin in Boone with me made life so much easier to try and deal with. Of course there were a few bumps along the way (getting pulled over, getting a flat on top of a goddamn mountain, ya know- the usual). But overall and many poptarts later, the weekend extended to a week. Then there was alcohol involved and emotions were released. Issues and conflicts were brought up but what else could possibly happen when the liquor is flowing, good friends are near and music is setting the perfect scene.

I'm almost completely settled into my new place. Amaria and I seem to already have a great relationship (and a good deal of drunk pictures already) and I can't wait for the rest of this year.

There's still a mental blockage of this year, I can't seem to picture a lot of anything in the future for some reason. Maybe that's good? All I know is that I plan on not being quite so frivolous and galavantly galavanting all over town. I want to get a hold of all my affairs and my personal faculties.
I really should make a list so I can't forget everything that I need to do, get ready and promise to myself.

I promise not to try not to overload myself this semester.
I promise to be better with money, than I have been this year.
I promise to not take anything for granted.
I promise to make whoever I start dating, happy as much as I can.
And finally, I promise to go on plenty of adventures.

No, I can't sleep now- Doctor Who is on

I hate being home alone. At 5am.

Being home alone makes me think things.

Thinking things to myself late at night gets me riled up about even stupider things.

Getting riled up makes this melodramatic girl not be able to sleep and makes the shadows move.

Shadows flickering in the corners freak me out.


I had a conversation with a friend of mine tonight. She's a wonderful friend and I love her to absolute death. It's only that when I get inside my own head (like I've probably mentioned before at some point or a hundred times before) is when I will refuse just about all reason except my own.
This evening when in conversation with Frankie, somehow I got on the topic of relationships. Something about me asking her to "wrangle me a man" whether it be in Florida, where she was on vacation or it be where we go to school.
My reasoning to her? Because I am not capable myself.
To flesh that thought out a little bit more? Because I've done too many regrettable things and can't keep interest in whoever I'm dating.
And to finish out my ridiculous thought? My standards are too high.

And of course, Frankie chimed in beautifully with exactly what any friend should say in encouragement and faith in a new day and new people.
"You just haven't found the right person! Do what you do and that right person will come around and it'll be perfect, I promise" are the words of a good friend.

Well unfortunately, her words only managed to rile me up even more. She said that I'm worth my high standards. She said that to lower them and settle is just subjecting myself.
But in all honesty, what lengths would or should I go to, to acquire the intimacy that I've desired so intensely since the beginning of my adolescence? (wow, look at me go with all this fancy vernacular- Ooh I like that one too!) Now I suppose it's typical of teens to desire someone sexually but I'm not exactly... that way. I mean yes, periodically I can be. But I what I crave (that isn't carnal, I suppose) is complete trust and emotional absolute security. Even since I was entering junior high and into high school, that's all I've wanted. Not even my first kiss let alone ...further than that.

So Frankie said not to lower my standards...
And I think that if I write them out, she'll see what I mean.

Hmm... this part is tricky.

What am I looking for? 

A man. Not a boy.
Dark hair and light eyes.
Accent (preferable but not required)
A bit taller than myself but not so tall at the same time.
Must be able to talk to endlessly and comfortably.
Movie and music lover but not a snob.
Kind and gentle yet tough and willing to fight.
Smiles and hugs often.
Doesn't bullshit me and won't lie to me.
Embraces my geekiness and my nerdlike habits.
Understands my intense love for my mother, my family and the past.
Will be willing to argue just for the sake of arguing.
Doesn't care (and could be willing to join in) on movie/tv marathons periodically.
Is willing to eat strange things.
Lets me indulge in silly things (Call Me Mayyyybeee!!) every now and again. 
Can be spontaneous at a moments' notice.
Might be willing to break rules.
Doesn't have unrealistic expectations of children and the future.
Romantic to an extent that is cheesy and silly and crazy that makes everyone else jealous but not everyday of course...
Doesn't care if I haven't shaved my legs that morning.
Could give a shit if I was primped enough, but won't hesitate to appreciate the time I've put in. 
Indulges in my moments of Earth-savingness that occur occasionally.
Understands all, if not most of my quirks, and knows that they dissipate after a little while.


Yep... I think my standards are too high.
I require too much of one person and I think over time, I'll accept it.
Or maybe I'll try my hand at online dating or something... Who knows.

And for now, I'll just mull all of this over because who needs sleep at 5:23 in the morning? Besides, Doctor Who is on and the coffee-lifeblood-sustenance will be brewed momentarily...

JTN- Make sure and visit ALL the time, please...

After a fantastic weekend moving myself into Boone and trying to give Emily a great experience as a Boonie, I have to say that I'm going to be sad to see this summer go. I've gotten so close with quite a few people here in  Mooresville.
The main person though that is like, the friend I've waited for- is my crazy close friend Justin. I don't even know what the deal is, I just love the kid. It's the little things... I'll say something stupid and he laughs. He texts me to make sure I'm alright if I'm in a terrible mood.
I don't really have a lot of friends that I feel this strongly about.

And then there's Emily, my golden gilmore girl :) I love this chick, I think she knows too much thus the reason why I've decided to hold on to her for a long while. Plus we share a deep love for snuggling and delicious food.

Not to mention everyone I've made a connection to this year, you've helped me get through an incredibly hard period of my life and I honestly don't know what I would've done if I hadn't had the friends that I had. Or if you hadn't given me the distractions that I needed, I would've driven myself crazy.

I'm glad to say that this summer has been pretty fantastic, and when people ask me about how it was that's exactly what I'm going to tell them.

I've gone to Europe and experienced a different life, came home and lived the life I carved out for myself over the last 6 years. Two times that I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world...
I would never trade the love and the friendship that I've gotten used to being able to parade around.
I am so incredibly blessed and ab-sol-fuckin-lutely lucky with everything I've received this summer.

You get really thankful for things when you realize it's near the end of a special time... I don't even know what I'll do when I have to go back to school and Justin's here in Mooresville. I'm used to talking to him and seeing him like everyday. It'll suck but I guess we'll get over it. Or I'll just have to continuously call him and sing radio hits in his ear, which I know he LOVES. Eh, it'll all be fine.