Where has the passion gone?

My drawing teacher made me feel so transparent today.

He kept talking about being "present" in your work. And then it hit me:

I haven't been present in over a year. I haven't had any sort of passion since Mom died. And realizing all that makes me so sad that I can't hardly stand it. I want to cry but can't.
I want to be passionate, I want to be great at things but I can't get past myself. My last projects have suffered greatly because of this.

Maybe I need to get laid, or be loved. Maybe I need to take Anti-Depressants. Maybe I need to get out of this country.

I just want to be able to feel and imagine and create again. So far the only things I've become passionate about are my tattoos. But I didn't create them, Rich from Speakeasy did.

I have a huge set of projects ahead of me for The Madwomen of Chaillot, making hats and props and makeup ideas and a lot of things. But I can't seem to get inspired and I've been having this problem for a long time.

I'm so tired of this that I'm willing to resort to anything.

Every damn year.

I'm beginning to be convinced that I'm doing something wrong..


There's something wrong with me that makes it so that people don't want me.

I hate being around people on the holidays especially when they're in a relationship.

Now that I've had time to take a breath... Let's continue.

'Sup blogosphere..

Finals are over. This hell of a semester is over and I'm vegging out.
Ahhh and look at that: it's 5:24am.

Took a shower, watched ALL of the LOTR movies today. (except the Hobbit WHICH I CANT WAIT TO SEE!!) and I just finished watching the Hunger Games.
Total veg mode.

I would like to apologize about my ranting in the last entry.. Sometimes writing is the only way I can remember how to let off steam... I miss my punching bag like crazy.

So update! I'm getting my new tattoo tomorrow! It's the sea otter design with all of the women's initials in my immediate family. It's gonna look amazing and I can't freaking wait. Rich said he'd also put the Deathly hallows symbol on my ankle too so I guess actually I'm getting 2 tomorrow... I'm really excited and I feel like I should bring a book. Maybe it's a good idea to bring the Hobbit. I could read it to Rich- hahahahahaha that would be fucking hilarious.

'Nothah update- I'm going home on Tuesday. Til like January 9th. Cue release of tension: now...
And weirdly enough I've got most of my shit together for Christmas and stuff. I've got my list and I think it's gonna be a GOOD Christmas if the world doesn't end in like 5 days.
Hey- if it screeches to a halt, at least I will be with my family. That's honestly all that matters in my opinion. I plan on clutching Lise and Chloe and Berit and Rose close when that moment supposedly will hit. Who really knows if anything will happen. But I can tell people are getting antsy about it. It's rough thinking that the world is going to end. And right before Christmas, nonetheless.

I have a feeling like SOMETHING is going to happen. Mass suicide? Or the locus's will come or maybe a MASSIVE earthquake in California? Dude I really can't even begin to tell you what.
MAYBE I shouldn't have had that third cup of coffee like 3 hours ago... Hmmmm... Well let's see what I'm thankful for right now.

-I have a beautifully loving dysfunctional family
-I'm alive and healthy and strong
-My relationship with my Dad is getting much better
-I've decided where I want my future to head
-I managed to see a lot of Europe and fall in love with it
-I'm not afraid of pain or dying anymore
-I'm confident in most of my skills
-Uncle Don has helped me not worry about money as much, therefore taking weight off of my family.
-North Carolina is my home and Boone is my bed.
-My movie collection is MASSIVE and relatively thorough.
-I am two major positions in Alpha Psi Omega (VP & UC) and can be trusted to fullfill them well.
-I'm actually happy to be here. 

Fuck me, it's almost 6 and Bridgman will be here at 10:30. I need to go to bed...

**To those who read this: I love you. Even when it seems for me that all is lost in the darkness, love lights the way and leads me to you and your illumination.
So thank you. <3 br="br">

Don't read this one. It's not worth it.

I'm having a hard time.

I don't want to do this shit anymore. I don't want to worry about money and schoolwork and people and personifications and bullshit. I'm tired of the ultimate goal and the people I'm dealing with.

I feel very alone in this whole situation.

I'm tired of being quite so different and so fucking tired of all of this shit. I'm going to end up just like those people I feel bad for... The ones who can't seem to keep up with they're life and I'm turning into that exact person.

Why don't I get that fairytale prince and the parents to help me at every turn? Why do I have to face this godforsaken world all by myself?

"But you aren't alone! You've got [then they list off so-and-so and so-and-so]!"
Yeah, but name three people who would probably do anything for you at the drop of a hat?

Your mom.
Your dad.
Your significant other.

None of which I truly have.

My aunt's trying... My dad could basically give a shit. Significant other? Yeah now that's funny.

On the outside I play the happy go lucky, 'Hey I'll do that for you so that you're not so stressed!', 'Aww let me help YOU feel better about your life' girl.

Being Her is so goddamn exhausting that I can't seem to fix and keep up with my own goddamn life. Somehow I keep forgetting shit that's due.
Or classes, I can't seem to keep in my head what time my fucking classes are.
I'm losing my mind.

I feel like I'm just absolutely losing it and I'm just going to end up failing.
My goal at the moment is to not have a breakdown everyday.

Oh wait, too late- already had one today.

My ...friends? Yeah I can't seem to find them. So like I said, who do I have to rely on?
Dude, beats me.



I've had a lot of people be like "Dude, wtf?" in reference to my attitude.
Honestly I don't know "double-u tee eff". So quit fucking asking.

OYrvywoBAEGUBqg
I JUST WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I don't want Justin and his happy little unreality either.
I don't want Allison's hellhole of a job and half existence either.
I want Mike to stop fucking complaining to me about that "girl" he's obsessed with, yet turn to me and claim to want me. 
I JUST WANT THIS ALL TO STOP.
I could give a fuck about exams. Or school. Or class.
But I can't go home.
Whatever, whereever that is anymore.
Home isn't home.
It's not.
My friends aren't friends. They're freeloaders. At least the last couple have been... Freeloaders of my emotions, money, home and speaking of home- I hate the home I'm in now. MOTHERfucker. My roommate is about as welcoming and friendly as her poor angry hedgehog.
I feel like I tresspass in my own "home". I've dug myself into this godforsaken hole so hard that I can't see daylight anymore. What the hell is wrong with me.
Someone please help me..
I'm done.

When the cold arrives...

I'm beginning to get that numb feeling again. The one where all I want is to feel the warmth of someone whether by thought or recognition or rather even by physical. I hate that about myself. I'm so jealous of my roommate and her boyfriends relationship. I want to be able to say that I'm loved or that i have someone who is expecting me. Instead i have a list of numbers and names I can't/won't call because things were embarassing or ended badly or were just plain fucking dumb. I hate craving companionship, frankly its my least favorite attribute of myself.
I miss my companionship with justin... I know I complain about him, but honestly I miss just being able to snuggle with him. I feel like I havent had much in the way of human contact lately. I want to have someone to snuggle with... but for the love of god who?

Fancy seeing you here, Mr Pinot Noir...

I have spent a very long time without writing and I feel like now is a good time to do so.
...It figures that it's 4am.

Something new has risen up, that which I'm trying to ignore... A crush.

I think I've got a crush on a person who will probably end up marrying the girl he's dating.
Thank god it's only a crush right?

A few other things that have been going on with me lately? I just finished designing my very first show! Even if it was only the Freshman Showcase, I can rightfully say that I designed it. I love that feeling... Also I'm working props for Noises Off which goes up this upcoming weekend.
Another thing, I think I'm slowly getting tired of Justin and his antics. You know sometimes I feel like I'm 10 years older than him and then sometimes he treats me like a 6yr old. I'm not sure where our balance has gone, we used to be so sympatico but I'm just sad and missing him and I feel like if he was up here, he'd panic. I feel as if he just wouldn't be able to handle the whole "living on your own" thing. Or taking care of himself? let alone having or keeping a girlfriend. I feel like he'd be like a rogue 8 year old in a candy/icecream shop with X amount of money. I can't be his mother and he's not my boyfriend. He can do whatever the hell he wants but he can't feed off of me. I open myself to everyone and letting one person crawl in and try to live there just doesn't compute in my book.

But this semester, it looks like I'm commiting myself to my department heavily. I'm blanket designing the New Play Festival, I may or may not be auditioning for RENT, and I want to be the Understudy Chair for APO. Also I want to apply into the Art department... Good lord, what free time again?

I think I may have sworn off of romance/physicality and relationships for a while. I feel as though I can't handle that at this current time and plus after my revealing conversation with Emily and Grayson, I may have gone a bit too far off the deep end sexually.
I'm kind of ashamed of myself. I love too fast and I long for someone.
I always have and I've come to terms with the latter.
Until I can find that person who would do just about anything to be with me, I can't. I can't do it anymore. The loneliness is killing me and I have no idea what I could even do to solve that.

Maybe I didn't want to solve it.
Maybe I wanted someone else to solve it.
Goddamnit I'm not making sense- half a bottle of wine will do that to you I guess.

But I have to say, I really hope that my friendship with Joseph blooms into something awesome. I like where it's going, I mean honestly the boy keeps quiet during movies, yet knows the perfect spot in which to quote them. We giggle like we were in kindergarten about stupid dancer freshmen. We pretty comfortable already which is pretty awesome. Boy has some wild ass hair too. Can't go wrong with wild ass hair. Somehow we managed to talk about Europe for like 2 hours. Not to mention we can respect each others personal space which I have to say is a plus.
And don't judge me, but I checked out astrological compatibility.
Usually that means that I'm crazy into some person I just met but not in this case- I think that considering he's a Taurus and I'm a Cancer and the internet says that that matchup is "soul-mate material" I can see our friendship just amassing on crazy awesome levels.

To be honest, I won't lie- I can see me marrying someone like Joseph. I doubt "he's the one" but hey, he can set a bar can't he?

This is gonna sound stupid, but you know- I want 'the one' to be soon. I'm starting to hope for it. I don't know if I'd want to get married right now, but I think that I wouldn't mind getting married soon.
It won't happen but at least I've already gotten my wedding all planned out. #thankspinterest

You know something though? I don't like sharing my bed unless the other cuddles with me.
And for right now, Bear is winning that competition. :)

#swearingofflove
#wineflowslikeloveblows
#mygiantteddybear
#mychildrenwillhaveafrosandlikeit
#theatreislife
#crushessuck
#idontknowwhattodo
#fightclub
#soulmatesareonlyinfairytales
#lifeiswhatyoumakeit

How do I even... fuck it.

Making the separating between different love is difficult.

I'm learning that the hard way.

At some point I did indeed fall for a friend of mine and our friendship bloomed into something that I don't think I can ever forget.

He fell for my friend.

Reality bit me.

Our friendship is so strong with him and I, that I just got a tattoo in honor of him and the struggle he's been through because I've had this feeling that he and I will always be friends. No matter what.


Right now, I've told him that I needed to add space to our friendship because it was to save it.
From me.
I can promise you that if I don't do this, then the results may be completely astronomical.

Not to mention there is no way in hell that a guy like him and a girl like me would ever be able to be copacetic together. I just need to get it through my thick head that our types don't match. Thus why we're such good friends.

I've lost it. He's with her and I hate to be that third wheel to invite myself when they would like the precious alone time together. But I don't want to "vie for his affections" because I wasn't raised to be that way. I was raised to be independent and not need someone.
Well it looks like "that girl" is coming back.
And I had been so excited to have him come up here... But now, I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes because I don't want him to think that I want to monopolize his time when he clearly wants to spend it with someone else.
I'm not really sure what to do in this situation- staying home has been my main defense.

But NO. I refuse to become third fiddle when he stays with me and eats my food and asks my council because all of his energy is focused on someone else. The only way that I can deal with it is to realize that I'm crazy and I need to get a grip.
Maybe I'm just crazy.

I'm probably just crazy.

I feel crazy.

This is stupid.

I've got to be crazy.

I am crazy. That's it. I'm a crazy jealous bitch who doesn't know how to deal with her life.


I wish I had someone to pursue me. Yep, I'm a jealous bitch who can't be happy for anyone else because her own life is fucked up.
All I've Ever wanted was a confidante.
He and I became that for each other and then he started out for her.
I no longer feel so much like a confidante but something to bide his time before she gets off work. But now I'm not letting myself feel that way so I go to work and class and not let myself have any part of that.

I need to paint. I need to eat food, drink water, socialize with someone who I'm not so dependent on.
Yes, I feel dependent on him. But what do I depend on him for? Compliments? Hugs? Someone to listen to me on occaision? What about this occaision? I can't see him wanting to listen to any of this. I see him saying "No No NO. I LOVE you and that's that". Okay.......? Sometimes just saying it isn't enough. Just saying it, it just turns to words.
And I know he depends on me but for what. I haven't been able to figure that out yet. Company outside of Mooresville. Poptarts. Someone to tell that they aren't coming home because they're cuddling with someone else. I think he and I just got too close.

Maybe I'm trying to fill the void I have from losing Mom? Sounds like something a therapist would say to me come to think of it. 
Jesus christ, I need a change already. I'm starting to get that feeling like I need to leave this country again. Go somewhere completely different where no one knows me.


I look at the relationship he and I have and I love it. I love how we act around each other and how we can confide in each other. I love the fact that we can just sit together and I love the fact that when he doesn't feel great, he lets me worry. I love that I have someone to buy presents for and to not be able to wait to see. I love that he hugs me. He has no idea how even goddamn grateful I am to have him in my life.
But I still refuse to be third fiddle. I'm not that sort of person.

I'm just crazy. I guess that's it.

Time to paint then.