untitled.

I don't want a niche. I want my own place to breathe. I could give a shit about clubs and events you want me to go to.

Ever since Mom died, I've developed a "I could give 2 goddamn shits about you" attitude. Some call it bad manners, some call it dangerous, my therapist called it a way to cope, but I call it self-preservation.

Stop trying to pull me into your little world, there's so much more out there than the drama and bullshit you want me to buy into. There's a world outside of what you call important right now. Nothing's THAT important. All that matters is staying sane and protecting yourself.
That's what I have to do all the time.
I walk across what I consider a safe campus with my back always watched. "Don't walk by yourself, it's dangerous..." Pfft, I can take care of myself. I challenge anyone, myself even to prove this.
Go ahead, fuck with me. I'll fuck you up, if I have to. But I won't have to.

I've grown a sort of icy exterior that looks angry, sounds angry and in all honesty, is kind of angry.

I'm not self mutilating in anyway, I'm just sick and fucking tired of giving a shit about all the bullshit that doesn't actually matter. Getting angry at clubs for not giving a fuck? Getting yelled at for trying to exist outside of a bullshit system that I'll be stuck in for another 3 years? Yeah. Fuck you and get the fuck out.

Nice Emily went out the window in August.
This one's here to stay.

She like old angry punk music and dubstep.
She walks with a goddamn purpose.
If her old self could see her now, she'd call her a badass.
She's internally hurt others and herself too many times to count.
Her best friend and only person who's given two shits about her was taken away from her.
They fought and bitched and screamed and had a GREAT FUCKING TIME. Sometimes each other wished each other dead. But that didn't stop them from loving the shit out of each other.
Yeah, this one right here, she's mad. And she's ready to take on the entire fucking world, so come at me bro.

I've got caffeine in my system and a fight in my stomach. My fists are already clenched and my teeth are grinding together. I'll snap, but not in front of you- who the fuck do you think you are to think that you deserve even That courtesy? Fuck you.

There's not much I believe in, but what I believe in is strong. That's myself. I believe that one of these days, you'll all hear my name and wish that you'd fucking given me the time of day. Nope, not silly little Emily. She's not serious enough for me. She loves people and hugs them too much. You know what? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AND EVER HUG I'VE EVER GIVEN. You didn't deserve the affection I expressed with that hug.

HAH. I'm too immature. YOU deal with no parents. No past to be remembered. And a future that you have to look out for your own goddamn self. Have fun getting care packages from your parents. Have fun dealing with your drug problems, your future alcohol abuse, lack of motivation and potential or rather likely depression from having two loving parents you only care about you and your best interests. Have fun with that.

Get the fuck away from me and watch how I excel past you because I have to make my own decisions. And figure out how my life is going to pan out with just about no one's help.
Go ahead and FUCKING WATCH ME.

You want a pep talk? Not feeling good enough because you feel your parents and your aunts and uncles and grandparents don't love you enough? MAYBE THEY HAVE GOOD REASON.

Fuck you, fuck off and get the fuck out.


I'm done with dealing with shitheads. Broaden your goddamn perspectives, open your fucking eyes and do something that isn't in your GODDAMN COMFORT ZONE. MAYBE, YOU COULD ACTUALLY ACHIEVE SOMETHING USEFUL. There ya go, you shithead, now you've made something that maybe even YOU could be proud of.



Get the fuck out of my face.

When it rains, I just stroll...

This school year.
GAH.

This year has been stupid and crazy and unnecessary to be completely honest. I would love to rewind, go back to the beginning of the summer and redo just about everything.

But no, you can't do that unless you're.. Doctor Who, I mean, yes David Tennant is great but still, no can do senorita.

I guess it hasn't been HORRIBLE in retrospect. There's been some things that make me want to hide away and cry forever... But I just have to let myself hear my mom in my head saying "Anything and everything makes you stronger in the end". She's entirely too right sometimes.
I miss her like crazy, ya know.

*thoughtful thinking break*



You know what's funny? The people who have it all together, right now, they're experiencing what my whole life has been. Spread-too-thin, cluttered, busy, tiring, and just overall- restless.
For the first time, I'm not doing that to myself.
I still remember back in 6th grade: grandmas in the morning, bus to school, garden club, after school Tae Kwon Do practice, then off to swim team, home for dinner and homework until I remember there's a science fair next week with a project I need to work on.
I have always been busy, my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but in the end- you get so tired. And tired of being so tired. You're brain doesn't stop and you start to notice just how alone you've made yourself even when you try to do everything to get friends or to be a part of something but then you end up once again by yourself... I feel like that at the end of the days here sometimes. I'm surrounded by people but there's just so much to do, I can't stay in one place. And I doubt this is making sense, but who knows.

I push people away because it's hard for me to differentiate between everything going on in my head. I'm an absolute fucking oxymoron. I want someone but can't focus on just that or combine it with all of the things I'm doing. Ohmahgod.


Well shit.

Grey, gray, grai, ghraie...

Days like this remind me of being back in California. It's so lightly misting and the sky is a melancholy shade of gray. Most people say "let's stay in- snuggle- sleep..."
I say, let's go for a walk.
It's beautiful out.
It's not even raining. But it's cool enough to not let you hate walking around.
It's perfect...

You can smell the leafs and the smell of exhaust and car motors sinks into the ground. The mist of sleepiness floats in the air above us. The sun doesn't even peak through because it knows that you don't even need it today, unlike some days...
That one song comes on your iPod that just seems to fit that exact moment.
Most days when the tired pads of your feet hit the pavement, you have to convince yourself to keep going. There will be salvation soon, is what you tell them.

Today, the ache is gone. They go because they want to.

Happy :)

I met a boy.
I met a boy who cares a lot about me. He told me himself.

I can't quit gushing about him either. He's so cute and funny and charming and goddamnit he's absolutely perfect.

I'm pretty sure he knows me almost as well as I know myself now (or about as much as Erin knows probably)... He knows so much about my past that I'm sure he could tell you himself.
I feel like he and I have been together for an incredibly long time........

He and I met a week ago.
Exactly.
From today, which happens to be Valentines day.

This kinda nervous guy comes up to me.. Without asking for my name, asks for my number. I awkwardly looked around and made sure he was talking to me... Then even more awkwardly I introduced myself and said "Sure...?" gave him my number, expecting him to have been dared to ask me, or he was doing it for some other guy or some other god-known reason. The only thing was, he made my absolute shit-hole of a day so much better. I bragged about it to my friends the next day and he had texted me that night and asked if we could go out that next day. Just for ice cream or something. I agreed and found out just how easy it was to talk to him... He and I decided we wanted to "date". Something that neither of us had a whole lot of good experience in. But hey, what the hell anyway.
He wanted to see me again, before he went home on Friday so he came to my work and I hugged him and yet again awkwardly introduced him to a couple of my girls in the shop. he went home and we talked all weekend. He said he couldn't wait to hang out with me on Sunday when he got back. I prepared all day Sunday for him and you couldn't have stopped the pounding in my chest with anything. He got here at my dorm at about 10:30pm and we talked for 2 hours straight. We sat up on my bed and were going to start a movie potentially except the two of us were so tired and kept yawning, he suggested we snuggle together for a minute. We fit perfectly together. It was so weird how fast the time flew... We talked about almost everything and he called me beautiful while I blushed at how handsome he really is. We fit like a glove.
Then he looked at me, and we kissed. It was so sweet, it almost hurt. He would brush the hair off of my face and hold it there. I couldn't even tell you how much it felt too good to be true.
All the things we bonded about, how similar we are, our families and just life- stays with him and I.
I just have to brag about how perfect he is. I don't want to jinx it, I don't want to ruin this. I just want him. I want to sleep next to him and hold on and not let go. It hurts and I miss him already.

Today was the best Valentines day of my life. I can't remember when I was this happy. He makes me this happy and I want to relish this day forever and replay it over and over again. He took me to Capones, it was the "first place I ever saw you" he said. When it was his birthday, his roommate/my friend took him there, and there was I. He saw me and now he has me.

I can't not smile when I think of him and how he makes me feel. I can't help Not gushing about him to everyone I know and love. I can't help to want to feel his arms around me and his voice in my ear saying how he wants to protect me. I want to look into those huge brown eyes of his and make sure I can protect him too. I can't wait to be with him again and it will be in less than 10 hours.
This feels like a movie romance. It feels too good to be true. Neither he or I can even wrap our heads around how we feel about each other. We just know how we do.



He told me that he loved me tonight. He told me he's never felt this way before. Like he's been looking for me the whole time. I know it's fast but honestly, I feel the same way too.

So this is what love feels like :)

I can't wait for tomorrow.

I think my brain is leaking... anyone have a mop?

And the sleep schedule is still outta wack. Went to bed at like 6:30 am yesterday morning... woke up at like 7:30am for Chloe's basketball game.. Took a nap at some point today and now its 4am again. Jesus I'm lonely in this house. And you all know how I get when I am by myself... i think.
Today I was on a "I want company really badly" kick. You would think, well her aunt and cousin are there right? Well they are except that they remove themselves from society way more than I think is healthy.... I don't know I mean taking 4 hour naps when we could be doing something, and cancelling plans on others and basically just sitting there watching TV all day really isn't healthy. Yet that's what we do. Everyday. On those idiotic purple sofas that are basically beds. The living room has been reworked so it accomodates two... occaisionally a third person will come and try to join the conversation but it's futile because that beautiful green loveseat that my mom and I had picked out is isolated and struck out at a funky angle. I feel like I'm basically bitching but I don't know what else to do. I am so stir crazy I may just break into the dorms tomorrow. Fucking dorms. That don't open until Friday. Ridiculous.
Goddamnit, I am going to drive myself crazy if I don't do something soon. And I mean I have things to do, but jesus I am just so lonesome, I guess. Lise goes to bed at like 8 and Chloe trails into her room about an hour later. I don't understand this whole going to bed early thing. I don't know, maybe college has spoiled me. Maybe my sleep schedule IS messed up. Maybe I'm just bored and lonely with all my friends in Boone and me still stuck down here. I am reallllllllllllly tired of this feeling and I'd like to be back now, kthanx.

In the meantime, heres the list thats spinning in my head:
-finish study abroad application so its ready to turn in
-figure out the app fee and the work she wanted us to have done before break was over
-finish the kittycat box
-finish brookes present
-hang out with whoever is still here and quit bothering people
-do laundry, pack for boone, clean room (most likely this will be done thursday...night)
-go over bills and money etc with lise
-talk to verizon about an upgrade and a new plan
-get lunch with lisa g and grandma (potentially thursday too)
-call people about apartments from list
-stop inventoring the house, thats not a concern yet
-stop complaining
-finish corset and the hat for me and the scarf for me
-sooooooo much more


Good god I have a lot to do. I just wish I had some help in it all. Taking over my life, with no guidance is a lot harder than what I thought.
Motivation is just a lot harder to come by.

NY. An adventure no one could forsee...

I've been recuperating from my first trip to New York.
And I really mean recuperating.

Allison, Cody and myself. We survived that great huge big Apple.
Just barely.

After a debilitating 12 hour bus trip from NC we crashed in our run-down Travelodge hotel that was in a place even New Jersey people couldn't find.
We hit the city running that next day and after a day of not knowing where to even start, we attempted the NJ bus system, got lost and ended up being dropped off an aching 45 minutes away from our hotel. After tears and cramping feet and sighs, we were whisked away by 'Britney and Tyler' of Middlesex, New Jersey who agreed to drive us to our hotel in Union.
We slept decently and decided that Union, NJ was too far from the city and checked out that next morning. Took the bus in, then the subway to Greenwich Village where our gracious friend let us leave our baggage in his apartment. Unfortunately, due to other reasons we wouldn't be able to sleep there. We reasoned that since it was New Years Eve, we shouldn't be sleeping much anyway. We ventured out to find somewhere besides Times Square. Battery Park promised fireworks but we got tired of waiting for them and we journeyed to find Allison's friends who claimed to be somewhere around 49th and 8th in Times Square. We could only get as close as 39th and 8th. Fact: You cannot fit 10,000 people within 4 streets. It just isn't feasible.
We left without seeing the aforementioned friends and headed to our next destination that was named Webster Hall, a dance club who was featuring Nero, the dubstep remix master. Fact #2 Cramming too many people into a dark confined place filled with lasers and pumping bass, $5 waters and no cool air isn't as easy as it sounds. We danced and made new memories with the people around us for a few hours until neither Allison or I could breathe and we parted from that Dubstep haven.
We ventured to a pizza place that will forever hold a special place in mine and Cody's hearts for a reason wearing a Rolex and black high-heels and soon we went back to the Village, headed to a coffee shop we had fallen in love with the day previous and proceeded to stay from their opening at 9am to around 1pm when we retrieved our belongings from our com-padre's. Then we ventured to China-town where the bus taking us home would be picking us up that next evening.
We could hardly move and we got one of the only hotel rooms left in China-town and slept soundly for quite a few hours until Allison and I decidedly ventured out yet again, only this time to Queens to visit a dear friend- Jordan.
That evening was filled with laughs, wine, stories, jokes, hugs and promises. We could hardly stand how fantastic that night was. Jordan, if you're reading this, Thank you for such a wonderful night- you don't know how needed it was on my part, even besides the trip. My life needed a new start and new friends and new moments, just of that nature.
We headed home on the subway as I cooed about the movie moments occurring in my head, back to China-town. That next day we attacked with the vigor we thought was lost. Central Park, a late start to a museum, more walking, a perfect couple of restaurants for our last days meals, a few great pictures, magical moments, good friends.
We ate in China and Italy that day. We shopped in New York. We walked next to a lake and then caught a bus near Brooklyn that took us home. A place we couldn't be far enough away from about a week ago, yet we now longed for its embrace.
Home.
North Carolina.
Absolutely nothing like New York and we wouldn't want it any other way.

To sum up:
We went.
We saw.
We survived.
We made it back.

New York, you WILL see me again. And I shall conquer you next time. Don't you worry.



Thanks for an epic survival trip Al and Cody. Seriously.

Pitfalls.

I think it's about time for an update.

Hi everyone :)
I hope you're doing well this holiday season, and that it's filled with loving friends, family and the holiday spirit.

I've been doing... okay. And as I say that, I honestly have been okay.
This semester has been rough. It's the hardest I've ever faced and that's including friends, classes, social-lite-being, work(like activities), love and just life I guess.

This Christmas I can already tell you is going to be so hard but I just have to keep reminding myself of the good things that I still have.
I have my Aunt and my cousin, who despite their struggles with an impending divorce case, have continuously thrown me love and hugs and laughs to make sure that I'm still doing okay.
I have my grandparents, who I know are hurting so much but we can still laugh about the little things.
I have my roommate who can make me giggle incessantly.
I have my health and nothing is broken.
I have a job and school is taken care of.
I have friends that I'd die for and I feel like some would do the same.

I mean I've got so much to be so thankful and grateful for.

And I swear I don't know what it is about this season, but people are beginning to pair up left and right! You'd swear the Ark was coming.
But seriously, I'm so glad for my friends who Have paired up with someone! Because the 4 people in question all deserve each other and I'm so happy for all of them.

I think I'm getting kind of anxious though. I have to admit it. I'm terrified I won't make it through this break. I know I will physically, but emotionally I know I probably won't. I have no one to divert my attentions. I'll have to jump headfirst into this whole "being by myself" thing and I don't like this feeling. I want someone to dote on and someone who can divert my attentions from the sheer reality I have yet to face.
That of which, is that I'm alone.. My best friend has gone to where I cannot reach her and the bitter truth is that I miss her so much and some of that love I have for her is floating around with no where to go.
Maybe I shouldn't be with anyone. Maybe that's a bad idea and I'll just scare away another potential one. I would love for someone to look at me just to say "I'm proud of you" but I can only think of one person who's openly done that.
I'm just so tired of being so much by myself. It's very frustrating.

I see my friends who have many of the same feelings I have towards love and then they find it and are so remarkably happy, I have no choice but to hug them and shout because I'm so happy for them too.
It's just these little pitfalls that strike me a bit harder now I guess.


Sadly, I feel as though the people that I view romantically don't see the person I'm trying to be. Rather they settle for the appearance of what I am and then they give up on that.
The person I try to show them is the one who loves to give presents for no reason, would watch you and attempt to play video games for hours if it meant spending time with you, wants to go on walks in the snow so that I can figure out exactly what you're thoughts on Egyptian and Greek gods are, someone who would love to go to the parkway with a hot chocolate if it meant being closer to you, who would love to talk about music and fight about which Beatles/Ramones/Beck/Maroon 5 anything album was better for hours until we're both fighting to stay awake, I'm that person who picks a random movie we've both seen just to give it commentary, someone who loves love and is always in the mood for kissing, and I'm just that type of person who falls completely in love with the other person and would rather we best friends than anything.
But no one can tell any of that.

Can it just be April already?