Flippin through old pictures can getcha down...

Goddammnit Glee!!

Okay so I had been planning to spout off about the pity party I've been having for the last few days (or weeks rather) but then I'm folding laundry (Yes, I fold laundry at 3am get over it) and listening to my standby music choice, Glee covers. A song comes on that somewhat suits my attitude called "Alone" that was beautifully redone by Kristen Chenoweth. I start thinking about my vendetta I was going to pour into my entry tonight but then a particular line comes up that says "Alone.... Til now, I always got by on my own" and I start thinking... I did, I was perfectly fine. Til now. Then the next song comes on... "You can't always get what you want..." and I start thinking, "Really?? Glee?? Seriously and on Shuffle?" I decided I have the iTunes Shuffle of Fate. So I'm listening to that, putting it into perspective. Okay and maybe now isn't my time, but really FUCK, When has it ever been my time? Anyway, I continue to listen (I'm at T-shirts by the way).

Ahhh then "Keep Holding On" comes over my laptop's speakers. Yep, I have the absolute Mood Shuffle. "You're not alone, together we stand, I'll be by you're side- I'll take your hand..." Beautiful line, and it makes me think.

See I got into a fight with a friend about something stupid. She and I have been around and around about it. My drunk self apparently agrees with me anyway. But so this stupid fight was about a lot of things. Lately I've been down on myself because I've been lonely. I get depressed because in my life, my Long fucking years of 19, I've had one nearly-decent relationship. It ended wierdly and that's all I have to say about that. It's rough when you feel like no one loves you :D And I say that with a grain of salt and a slight air because I know my family loves me (Mom would interject: "it's because we Have to!" and then smile and laugh) but I know I have a few friends who do, who I know I can trust. But Love is different. To have a peer of some sort, like you more than the projected "friendship-value" is amazing. It's almost a miracle in a way. But see, I had that once. Somewhat briefly. And I have friends who have had one person for a couple of years. I have friends who's person Loves them so much that they have decided to marry. Or have kids. Now I digress, but I'm at a strange age and in a strange place so it's almost awkward when you find out someone you know is married and is pregnant. Or is thinking about getting married and really wants to start a family Now. Yes, I understand that that makes them happy, but still... 19?? or rather theres some at 18 and 17! I mean COME ON! You have no idea what life is going to dish out to you at 25 when you have 2 kids 4 and 6 Already. You've lost your childhood. At least that's what I think. I can hardly think of having ONE kid at this age. Because I TOTALLY want to shop in the Maternity section with my mom before I've even gotten Out of my TEENS. Yes, 19 is Still a Teenager. Once you hit 20, I'll leave you alone.

But whatever. I know it makes people happy, it just makes me sad, slightly confused and dare I say.... left out. I guess that's what I'm getting to. To have a friend that IS married with a kid, being their friend as a single teenager is awkward to me. I no longer feel I have all that much in common with them. I'm Plenty happy for them, and good luck to you Mommas to-be. But Ahhhh I can't want that! My plans are too big for that. I plan on changing the world somehow. I'm not sure how but I will. My passion is to do Something big... Or I will DIE trying.

See, but the thing about having married friends or rather Coupled-friends that didn't bother me really until I had really thought back, past my naievety and politeness, I have a lot of friends who are in couples. For all my single friends, they know Exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the "Third-wheel Syndrome" and yes, it's plagueing our nation. Some people in couples may know what I'm talking about. But see, I've had it just about MY ENTIRE LIFE. Even when I'm with family now too you know. Everyone has a husband, or a boyfriend or whatever. And if you are in a relationship now, you don't get a say. I'm sorry but not againest me. You have no idea of what I've gone through in my life.*

Shit!! I've got to stop this Fucking Pity Party!! It's not attractive in my book. Besides, I don't care, I'll be alone for a lot longer and then possibly fine some person I'd settle for. I mean that's how it goes. I feel like a damn hypocrite though. Because I want someone to love me but then I put down marrying someone and having a kid. Maybe I should wait til I'm 50 and ugly as shit. Then if someone wants to marry me, then I will Know it's for real. But I don't know. See, this is what happens if you sit in my head and listen to me argue with myself.

Lemme answer a few straight forward questions to clear my head:

Do I want a relationship? yes.

Do I want one so I can marry? no. HELL NO.

Do I want a kid? or 2? fuck that shit. I love kids but fuck no.

Do I want to get married eventually? Yeah sure. At some point.

Do I hate all friends who are in a couple? No. Jesus christ, no.

Do I feel awkard around couples? Yes. Occasionally.

Goddamn, I hate this fucking summer depression. It needs to speed up and get me to Boone. Noo Kidding.

*oh so I was saying...

let's see, S.A. in kindergarten, watched my parents fall out of love, abused by my cousins almost everyday, didn't have my first official kiss til my Senior year of high school, never had a boyfriend til college, he refused to do the act, I fucked around and did it in a stupid way, fucked around because I couldn't find love anywhere, I don't know... Poor self esteem seems to tell me that society says you need to Love to be a suitable member of life. It also says, that without it you aren't suitable in general. I mean it is true. The average teen has 4-5 relationships before graduating high school/college.

I guess I just feel left out or something along those lines. And yeah, it's depressing, but I'm not dying about it. I'm just sad. I'll get over it and move on with my life. It's what I do and now that I'm old enough to understand this ..emotion.. it's a fucking downer I'll tell you right now.

But again, OH WELL. I'll get over it and move on.

Thanks for listening.