Collective Conscious- Reunited

I've gone through my life noticing people.
People I've never met, but feel as though I've known forever. Someone crosses my path, we meet and all of a sudden we are promising to be closer and to let our friendship exceed either of our expectations.
My neighbors have become an incredibly important facet in my life. But something had happened the day that they moved in. I met Conner, Lacy's boyfriend. He's relatively ordinary, completely genuine and really.. just a dude. The problem that I had that first week was that I could immediately remember his name, but not either of the girls (who I thought were cool and all) that he lived with. Just Conner.
What I couldn't explain was the fact that I wasn't exactly sexually attracted to him but it was as if my sights suddenly narrowed and all I could focus on was Conner. I'd met him before. I could feel him being a part of some form of me, but I'd never met him in this lifetime.

Recently I was introduced to something called a "collective consciousness", which interested me right away. I've believed in something like it my entire life but had never had a name to put to it. I thought for a long time it was a type of "witchcraft" but since being introduced to this way of thinking, everything seems to make sense. The strange feelings I'd felt for people (again, in a non-sexual way), the "inklings" as they were in my mind, the weird attachments for people- everything, just began to make sense. 

So back to Conner and I.
The other evening, I thought that I was developing a crush on Conner, I was confusing this weird inkling of a feeling for an actual love connection. I hated that feeling and wanted it gone entirely. I didn't have a desire to sleep with Conner though. I only ever wanted to be as close as possible, as if to know what he's thinking or something in that general sense. The feeling got loose and I spoke about it to Conner to try and ease my mind. I told him that what I was feeling wasn't sexual, it was strictly wanting to feel close with him. I had no desire to take him out of the relationship he has with Lacy. I actually really appreciate their relationship. But as soon as I said anything, he proclaimed back to me that when we first saw each other, he was sure we'd met before in some way. (I guarantee that we haven't.) But there was something different, he said he felt like we'd been close yet had somehow been separated. From there he told me that he felt the need to speak of some recurring dream he had, I just absolutely needed to know this dream. He'd been somewhere on the coastal bluff of an area like Ireland, something had happened between him and someone else, he'd been shoved off of that cliff and was no more. Then he'd wake up.

During the recount he was having, I tried to keep my line of intuition clear. I focused on the act in which he was describing and "1810 .... Dublin" felt like it was being shouted in my ear. Once I closed my eyes, I felt like I was there, watching what was happening. I immediately broke into somewhat uncontrollable tears because the emotional pain that was flooding my body was too great to ignore. I spoke of what was going on in my mind at that moment to Conner and it was like the lights got turned on for the two of us. This brief experience makes me understand the insane desire to move "back to Dublin" as I always let slip, let alone the personal sadness I'd feel while I would stand on the bluff in La Selva. Things just began to make sense.

My belief is in reincarnation, in a sense. I believe that Conner and I have been together in past life cycles, actually quite a few in fact. The previous life cycle, we were apart. But the cycle before that, is when that fatal day in Dublin we believe may have occurred. I feel as though we are connected on the collective conscious plane and have been destined to be together. We both believe it and when we realized that fact, it was almost as if I had been reunited with a brother. We hugged each other closer we ever had before.
Once the pain I experienced from earlier had subsided and Conner and I began to realize what was truly going on, I was filled with so much happiness. It was as if my eyes had been opened and what I'd been searching for sat right in front of me. It's as in a puzzle piece had been put back into my soul and so much of the contempt I felt prior to that evening, was dissipating.

Some people may call me delusional or crazy but I feel like I finally got a handle on my life, my soul, and my mind.

We found love in a hopeless place...

Cheesy, yes I know.

But it's true. I've somehow managed to find myself a man that is... well kind of on the brink of incredible. Apparently all our friends were playing for it to happen and well, I have to say Best Friend (you know who you are *coughALLISONcough*) You actually managed to find someone I wouldn't have ever found myself.

All right, specifics:

His name is Derrick..
or rather William Derrick.
He's 25 and 5'6''.

He's beautiful and dark skinned and, dear god, sexy as all get out.

He really really likes me :) He continuously tells me that while I can't get enough of him.
We have a bad habit of not being able to say goodbye so we've begun saying goodbye half an hour before we part, if you catch my drift ;)

He's patient, understanding, intuitive, possessive (in a good way), a hell of a kisser, a big ol' nerd, loves his family, an artist, creative in a plethora of ways, hilarious and absolutely all mine.

I was attracted to his eyes first. I had a tiny crush on him when I met him at his birthday party but was suddenly reciprocated when he kissed me that night. Then when he told me that he'd call me over the weekend that night, he gave me butterflies. But all of a sudden getting a text that same night a few hours later saying he couldn't wait til the weekend, things kind of went from there.


Him and I can sit and stare at each other and just about know what the other is thinking. If anything gets in the way, we can respect it and talk about it.


I honestly can't say I've been quite this happy in the past 4 years. I've never felt this strongly for anyone. Anyone. He got out of a crazy relationship a while ago and said he's never felt this way about anyone else either. The way he looks at me, the way his hand sits on my cheek or his forehead rests on mine makes my heart flutter out of my chest. I can't hardly stand it. He loves making it known that I'm his.

I LOVE ALL OF HIS FRIENDS. Dear god, I'm so happy. Somehow I fell into a family I've felt like I've known for the last 10 years. I'm glad when I came into it though- sometimes people need time to grow and evolve and become the person you need.
Just like him.

I'm constantly unbelieving that he's with me and at one point I looked at him mid-kiss and said:
"no but really... where have you been my entire life?"
His response?
"I think I was looking for you.."


...


How in hell did I get so fucking lucky? How am I not subconcious about myself around him? How can I not stop kissing him? Or talking to him? How have I let all my barriers down to him Already?? Laurel (one of my new favorite people ever) told me it had to have been the fates. I'm a Cancer and he's a Taurus. Apparently that's a pretty damn good mix. Right now I can't even complain.
Oh and pretty much everything I'm finding out about him lately is an absolute bonus.

And don't hate- but him and I.. we ravage each other in bed. Holy shit, I've never had better. Last night topped everything. And then we laid in bed all day, half out of exhaustion and half out of just love.

Oh yeah did I mention he kinda loves me? He said it first, completely and sincerely and totally awkwardly... But I can't even help but love him back. :)

Mom, if you had any hand in this- thank you so much. Thank you for the perfect man in my life.

Where has the passion gone?

My drawing teacher made me feel so transparent today.

He kept talking about being "present" in your work. And then it hit me:

I haven't been present in over a year. I haven't had any sort of passion since Mom died. And realizing all that makes me so sad that I can't hardly stand it. I want to cry but can't.
I want to be passionate, I want to be great at things but I can't get past myself. My last projects have suffered greatly because of this.

Maybe I need to get laid, or be loved. Maybe I need to take Anti-Depressants. Maybe I need to get out of this country.

I just want to be able to feel and imagine and create again. So far the only things I've become passionate about are my tattoos. But I didn't create them, Rich from Speakeasy did.

I have a huge set of projects ahead of me for The Madwomen of Chaillot, making hats and props and makeup ideas and a lot of things. But I can't seem to get inspired and I've been having this problem for a long time.

I'm so tired of this that I'm willing to resort to anything.

Every damn year.

I'm beginning to be convinced that I'm doing something wrong..


There's something wrong with me that makes it so that people don't want me.

I hate being around people on the holidays especially when they're in a relationship.

Now that I've had time to take a breath... Let's continue.

'Sup blogosphere..

Finals are over. This hell of a semester is over and I'm vegging out.
Ahhh and look at that: it's 5:24am.

Took a shower, watched ALL of the LOTR movies today. (except the Hobbit WHICH I CANT WAIT TO SEE!!) and I just finished watching the Hunger Games.
Total veg mode.

I would like to apologize about my ranting in the last entry.. Sometimes writing is the only way I can remember how to let off steam... I miss my punching bag like crazy.

So update! I'm getting my new tattoo tomorrow! It's the sea otter design with all of the women's initials in my immediate family. It's gonna look amazing and I can't freaking wait. Rich said he'd also put the Deathly hallows symbol on my ankle too so I guess actually I'm getting 2 tomorrow... I'm really excited and I feel like I should bring a book. Maybe it's a good idea to bring the Hobbit. I could read it to Rich- hahahahahaha that would be fucking hilarious.

'Nothah update- I'm going home on Tuesday. Til like January 9th. Cue release of tension: now...
And weirdly enough I've got most of my shit together for Christmas and stuff. I've got my list and I think it's gonna be a GOOD Christmas if the world doesn't end in like 5 days.
Hey- if it screeches to a halt, at least I will be with my family. That's honestly all that matters in my opinion. I plan on clutching Lise and Chloe and Berit and Rose close when that moment supposedly will hit. Who really knows if anything will happen. But I can tell people are getting antsy about it. It's rough thinking that the world is going to end. And right before Christmas, nonetheless.

I have a feeling like SOMETHING is going to happen. Mass suicide? Or the locus's will come or maybe a MASSIVE earthquake in California? Dude I really can't even begin to tell you what.
MAYBE I shouldn't have had that third cup of coffee like 3 hours ago... Hmmmm... Well let's see what I'm thankful for right now.

-I have a beautifully loving dysfunctional family
-I'm alive and healthy and strong
-My relationship with my Dad is getting much better
-I've decided where I want my future to head
-I managed to see a lot of Europe and fall in love with it
-I'm not afraid of pain or dying anymore
-I'm confident in most of my skills
-Uncle Don has helped me not worry about money as much, therefore taking weight off of my family.
-North Carolina is my home and Boone is my bed.
-My movie collection is MASSIVE and relatively thorough.
-I am two major positions in Alpha Psi Omega (VP & UC) and can be trusted to fullfill them well.
-I'm actually happy to be here. 

Fuck me, it's almost 6 and Bridgman will be here at 10:30. I need to go to bed...

**To those who read this: I love you. Even when it seems for me that all is lost in the darkness, love lights the way and leads me to you and your illumination.
So thank you. <3 br="br">

Don't read this one. It's not worth it.

I'm having a hard time.

I don't want to do this shit anymore. I don't want to worry about money and schoolwork and people and personifications and bullshit. I'm tired of the ultimate goal and the people I'm dealing with.

I feel very alone in this whole situation.

I'm tired of being quite so different and so fucking tired of all of this shit. I'm going to end up just like those people I feel bad for... The ones who can't seem to keep up with they're life and I'm turning into that exact person.

Why don't I get that fairytale prince and the parents to help me at every turn? Why do I have to face this godforsaken world all by myself?

"But you aren't alone! You've got [then they list off so-and-so and so-and-so]!"
Yeah, but name three people who would probably do anything for you at the drop of a hat?

Your mom.
Your dad.
Your significant other.

None of which I truly have.

My aunt's trying... My dad could basically give a shit. Significant other? Yeah now that's funny.

On the outside I play the happy go lucky, 'Hey I'll do that for you so that you're not so stressed!', 'Aww let me help YOU feel better about your life' girl.

Being Her is so goddamn exhausting that I can't seem to fix and keep up with my own goddamn life. Somehow I keep forgetting shit that's due.
Or classes, I can't seem to keep in my head what time my fucking classes are.
I'm losing my mind.

I feel like I'm just absolutely losing it and I'm just going to end up failing.
My goal at the moment is to not have a breakdown everyday.

Oh wait, too late- already had one today.

My ...friends? Yeah I can't seem to find them. So like I said, who do I have to rely on?
Dude, beats me.



I've had a lot of people be like "Dude, wtf?" in reference to my attitude.
Honestly I don't know "double-u tee eff". So quit fucking asking.

OYrvywoBAEGUBqg
I JUST WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I don't want Justin and his happy little unreality either.
I don't want Allison's hellhole of a job and half existence either.
I want Mike to stop fucking complaining to me about that "girl" he's obsessed with, yet turn to me and claim to want me. 
I JUST WANT THIS ALL TO STOP.
I could give a fuck about exams. Or school. Or class.
But I can't go home.
Whatever, whereever that is anymore.
Home isn't home.
It's not.
My friends aren't friends. They're freeloaders. At least the last couple have been... Freeloaders of my emotions, money, home and speaking of home- I hate the home I'm in now. MOTHERfucker. My roommate is about as welcoming and friendly as her poor angry hedgehog.
I feel like I tresspass in my own "home". I've dug myself into this godforsaken hole so hard that I can't see daylight anymore. What the hell is wrong with me.
Someone please help me..
I'm done.

When the cold arrives...

I'm beginning to get that numb feeling again. The one where all I want is to feel the warmth of someone whether by thought or recognition or rather even by physical. I hate that about myself. I'm so jealous of my roommate and her boyfriends relationship. I want to be able to say that I'm loved or that i have someone who is expecting me. Instead i have a list of numbers and names I can't/won't call because things were embarassing or ended badly or were just plain fucking dumb. I hate craving companionship, frankly its my least favorite attribute of myself.
I miss my companionship with justin... I know I complain about him, but honestly I miss just being able to snuggle with him. I feel like I havent had much in the way of human contact lately. I want to have someone to snuggle with... but for the love of god who?