Life is too fucking short.

Today's been a weird day.

I drove back from moving Emily into Wilmington today.
I harrassed Justin to come over (surprise surprise).
I ate a sandwich and worried about money.
I found out my friend Paige died last night.
I realized it's been almost a year (23 days until) since Mom died.

I don't.. Words are hard right now, it's 4:24 in the morning and I can't sleep. I thank my absolute lucky stars that I'm safe, healthy and loved right now.
You begin to realize how precious life truly is when someone you know (even if they weren't that close to you) passes away.
I texted Justin just to tell him how blessed I was to have him in my life.
I don't know who put him there, but all I know is that he isn't leaving and I promise to be with and around that boy until the day I die.
The amount of love I've gotten from the people who care about me and the family and friends that I've accumulated over the past few years is amazing. I wouldn't have ever even thought close to all this.

Sometimes life gets put into perspective for you. And then you begin to realize that even words can't describe. No amount of faith in whatever form you choose, can force you to see just how blessed and absolutely lucky someone like myself truly is.
I think I've been spoiled for most of my life. Nothing has been a tremendous hardship (except for Mom of course) but everything is livable.
Humans and the human psyche are incredible things.


Well Mom, would you look out for Paige Kriegel- she's a really sweet girl and is new up there.
Love to the both of you from the absolute bottom of my heart.
My thoughts go out to Paige's family and also to all of my family that struggles with hardships and issues of any nature. My thoughts and love go out to everyone- I just want everyone to know that they can live through those hardships and trials.
Especially if you believe in yourself.

And final parting words before I pass out- hold onto your family and friends, whoever those are that you surround yourself with, hard. Hold them hard and long, keep them close.

A Milestone Finally Fucking Achieved!

Hey everybody- I've been sort of taking stock of my life in my time here at home and whilst celebrating my epicness of a birthday (21 BITCHES!), I've begun to realize a few things...
I've lived through a HELL of a lot.
I'm happy (at least in this moment in time) and absolutely content with a lot that's gone on in life.

Let's see... What all have I even done?
I...
-Moved 3000 miles away from all my friends and family
-Dealt with a hell of a childhood growing up as the weird fat girl
-Lived through my parents' nasty divorce 
-Got diagnosed with a life long health issue that I'll never be able to change
-Graduated High school with a 4.0
-Took the leap and got accepted into a great university
-Loved and lost and loved again
-Discovered alcohol/drugs/nicotine and honestly they really aren't for me
-Found my calling in costuming and Theatre (and a job in it too)
-Lost my Mom, who was my best friend and confidante to cancer
-Got a painful tattoo in her honor
-Went to New York for New Years
-Went to Chicago and found a faith... in something, in people
-Traveled so many places in Europe, some even by myself
-Didn't die on my 21st birthday, even if I wanted to...
-Lived on my own since I was 18
-Am living through my Aunt and Uncle's crazy separating/divorce
-Found friends that will actually be with me for the rest of my life


A lot of it isn't fancy but you know what, I've done so much in my life already and I've got probably another 60+ years left.
No I don't have a baby.. or two. No, I'm not married to someone I dated in freshman year of high school. Yes, I'm incredibly lucky to have done everything I did. Yes, I did try hard to get where I am. No I'm not stuck in my life and I honestly never plan on taking depression pills because I know that my life is going to be what I make of it. I will make it incredible. I can feel it.

I almost get energized when I see someone from high school who was married at 17, has two kids and hasn't seemed to move out of their parents house yet.
I can't even imagine how depressed they must be, when they realize that there's so little that they can do now that they have had to grow up and be parents or when they are with the first person they laid eyes on that called them "pretty". I can't settle. Maybe I'll always be reaching but I feel like there's so much out there that hasn't been done or see or been accomplished. Some day I'll be out there making headlines that the people I went to highschool with will watch and be jealous of.
Who did they think I was? Just some stupid girl who would make the wrong decisions?
HAH no. I will be the one that they remember, the one that they see and go "oh wait, Honey! We went to high school with her! Oh wow, so she's doing.... that! Well that's very cool!"
I can't wait to be that person.
I can't wait to wow people. I promise you that's what I'll be doing.

Not to mention I don't plan on growing up yet. Growing up has never really been on the agenda....

So I guess here goes!

Reality.... ?

AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN AT THIS GODDAMN MINUTE???

I feel like all of a sudden there's many 5 people I know that AREN'T having kids. Or getting married. Or getting engaged.

FUCK. THAT.

Ruining the sanctity of marriage MY ASS. I know that in the next 10 years several of them will get divorced... Several are going to end up with 3 or more kids and then get tired of their significant other and cheat on the other... Or blow their head off because they're tired of the mediocrity of their life and they can't find a reason to keep living.

I. CAN'T. LET. THAT. HAPPEN. TO. ME.

I need to be bigger than that. And I don't need someone dragging me down wanting to... buy a house and settle down.
I don't want to settle.
I want to exceed! And if no one can fully appreciate that, then who needs them.

This has been an angry message brought to you by Emily.
But jesus, I think I need to go do some friend downsizing... *GAHHH*

Fiery Female looking for Perfect Partner....

Don't you hate it when a movie sets unrealistic bars for men in our society?
You want that hunky musician who adores you and can't Not turn you down, even though life's complicated and you have a laugh like a hyena...
I love and hate "Because I Said So".
I hate how much it makes me giggle and root for the obvious great guy who even has a kid and a live in parent who also happens to be single? Jesus, who writes this shit.
PLUS it doesn't help that the guy is GORGEOUS. Sure he plays the electric guitar and has a tattoo on the back of his hand and can't Not wear a fedora because it ONLY enhances his absolute dare I say it..... beautiful-ness! GAHH I want a man like him in my life.

Sometimes I think "well maybe I'll just be a lesbian... maybe that's just want life hasn't shown me yet..." but then I watch a movie like this (and can I just add how GREAT of a cast it is?? JESUS) and I see this guy who has opinions and has actual feelings *not just about making the woman happy, might I add, but about the relationship in general* and fuck, I'm going to end up alone.

The moment in the movie where Milly is frustrated and then Johnny says to stop apologizing and then draws a heart on her hand (GAHHHH) and she talks about how he can calm her down.. Then he says how she talks in circles yet makes absolute perfect sense? I'm so jealous because I can't even begin to tell you how much that somewhat sounds like me. If you've read my blog before, I typically write stream of consciousness and in circles, typically forgetting what I'm talking about halfway through but I have yet to meet anyone that can follow/keep up with me.

Mom always said it's okay, don't worry that person will come to you and it'll be great and everything will be exactly the way you want it to be.
Well I'm starting to get tired of looking. I mean I'm about 21 and have yet to have a truly solid relationship. So many of my friends are getting married or are having babies, I feel like I should be in that frame of mind, even if Mom had me when she was 29. I don't know.... I would love to feel adored. I would love TO adore someone. I always feel that congested feeling when I'm with someone though. I always suddenly feel like I have another bag to carry that's weighing me down. Maybe that's what I'm scared of in the end though. Maybe I'm scared that I'm just going to hate married life and having kids because I can't be wild and free. I don't know. I would love someone to share things with though. It was enough having Mom and I because in a way we were like sisters. We only had each other, but now that I'm alone and fending for myself with my emotions and thoughts and have very few people I can hurdle them at without horrific repercussions, I'm kinda sad.

This moment I'm not really though. I'm actually for the first time in a long time not wishing for something else. Not wanting something a bit more. I don't feel the need for anything right now... I'm perfectly content in everything and I realize that I'm so incredibly lucky for everything I've got. I've got Becka and her fantastic flat here in Southport which is directly in the middle of anywhere and everywhere I've wanted to go basically. Not to mention that she and I get along famously and I've got a relatively painless trip to Dublin planned that I'm pretty ecstatic to go on. Even if I'm by myself, I'm sure I'll be fine. I make friends pretty easily.

I'm ready to begin the next step of this adventure... And no, I'm not talking about Dublin..
I guess let's see what's out there for me :)

Darkness meets Sunlight.

It's been a while since my last post...
I find myself sitting in Erin's flat here in London, waiting for her to wake up...

Let's recap the recent past shall we?

Flew and met my group in London over a month ago.. (wow it's been a month already??)
Travelled to Bath, York, Stratford, Paris and back to London.
Spoke to my aunt and was told that Mom's medical bills have been settled with no debt remaining and money still somewhat in our pockets.
Saw Erin and Big Ben and realized that friendships are built for hardships, so that we can survive them together.
Saw Queen Elizabeth II and the royal family in the Diamond Jubilee.
The scholarship I was awarded is finally officially getting processed.
Financial Aid has awarded me over $10,000 in grants so I might go to school, debt free this year.
Decided to travel alone to Liverpool and Dublin...

I must say, it's been interesting. The school trip was ...stressful and full of unwarranted issues and emotions but honest to god, I wouldn't trade that entire experience for anything.

Not to mention, right now I find myself on the day before Mom's 50th birthday. She's going to be scattered over the Thames river here in London, with my best friend at my side.

This has been an intense year I must say....
I recapped with Erin and all the emotions welled up. I've traveled near and far to try and escape what I had been denying to myself; that the person I cared for the most died and left me here.

Before I could kill someone while being locked up at school in Boone, I promised Allison we'd go to New York for New Years. Then I promised my aunt in CA that I'd visit her for spring break. Then I made sure Allison got the senior summer trip she needed and went to Oak Island for the weekend. Then I promised Mom that I'd go to Europe for her and for me.

Maren loved London and had promised me so many times she'd bring me one day and we'd share a few drinks and tour the cities... She always spoke fondly of Bath and London and Dublin, so I took it upon myself and decided that I needed to go.

And well here I am, gearing up for the next half of my adventure. Prepping myself for Dublin and Liverpool and Amsterdam and in 3 weeks or about 20 days I'll be back in the States getting ready to celebrate my 21st birthday.

And next year's checklist is getting there too:

Find an apartment I'm happy with- Check.
Sign up for classes that I'm alright with- Check.
Finish my art portfolio- Check.
Finalize financial aid- CHECK!

Things always get brighter when the darkness seems to overcome.
Maybe my time to shine is coming closer... Just you wait and see :)

Deep Breath.

Some nights...

"Some nights" by FUN is completely appropriate for my feelings right now.

Totally and completely overwhelmed. (That's an understatement)

STILL getting everything done, slowly but surely.

I'm not perfect and neither have I found that person who can accept that. I always wonder because when I see someone's profile on Facebook and notice that each person in our mutual friends or in their friends list that pops up, every single one of them has someone that loves them.

But Some nights... my heart breaks. Some nights I praise my life. Some terrible things have happened but some amazing things have too.

I have to focus on the good.
I have to get my shit done and prove everyone else wrong in the end.


Thank god for Pandora sometimes. Because now "Send me on my Way" by Rusted Root just came on. See? Either the gods or my mom are looking down on me, shaking their heads and saying  
"no worries, you've got this". 

After contemplating all this, and feeling sad for myself because I'm not in a relationship and have so much to do and generally just feeling low- I'm not alone, and it only took me this long to realize it. Thanks Ma, I appreciate the boost. 

I got this. 

untitled.

I don't want a niche. I want my own place to breathe. I could give a shit about clubs and events you want me to go to.

Ever since Mom died, I've developed a "I could give 2 goddamn shits about you" attitude. Some call it bad manners, some call it dangerous, my therapist called it a way to cope, but I call it self-preservation.

Stop trying to pull me into your little world, there's so much more out there than the drama and bullshit you want me to buy into. There's a world outside of what you call important right now. Nothing's THAT important. All that matters is staying sane and protecting yourself.
That's what I have to do all the time.
I walk across what I consider a safe campus with my back always watched. "Don't walk by yourself, it's dangerous..." Pfft, I can take care of myself. I challenge anyone, myself even to prove this.
Go ahead, fuck with me. I'll fuck you up, if I have to. But I won't have to.

I've grown a sort of icy exterior that looks angry, sounds angry and in all honesty, is kind of angry.

I'm not self mutilating in anyway, I'm just sick and fucking tired of giving a shit about all the bullshit that doesn't actually matter. Getting angry at clubs for not giving a fuck? Getting yelled at for trying to exist outside of a bullshit system that I'll be stuck in for another 3 years? Yeah. Fuck you and get the fuck out.

Nice Emily went out the window in August.
This one's here to stay.

She like old angry punk music and dubstep.
She walks with a goddamn purpose.
If her old self could see her now, she'd call her a badass.
She's internally hurt others and herself too many times to count.
Her best friend and only person who's given two shits about her was taken away from her.
They fought and bitched and screamed and had a GREAT FUCKING TIME. Sometimes each other wished each other dead. But that didn't stop them from loving the shit out of each other.
Yeah, this one right here, she's mad. And she's ready to take on the entire fucking world, so come at me bro.

I've got caffeine in my system and a fight in my stomach. My fists are already clenched and my teeth are grinding together. I'll snap, but not in front of you- who the fuck do you think you are to think that you deserve even That courtesy? Fuck you.

There's not much I believe in, but what I believe in is strong. That's myself. I believe that one of these days, you'll all hear my name and wish that you'd fucking given me the time of day. Nope, not silly little Emily. She's not serious enough for me. She loves people and hugs them too much. You know what? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AND EVER HUG I'VE EVER GIVEN. You didn't deserve the affection I expressed with that hug.

HAH. I'm too immature. YOU deal with no parents. No past to be remembered. And a future that you have to look out for your own goddamn self. Have fun getting care packages from your parents. Have fun dealing with your drug problems, your future alcohol abuse, lack of motivation and potential or rather likely depression from having two loving parents you only care about you and your best interests. Have fun with that.

Get the fuck away from me and watch how I excel past you because I have to make my own decisions. And figure out how my life is going to pan out with just about no one's help.
Go ahead and FUCKING WATCH ME.

You want a pep talk? Not feeling good enough because you feel your parents and your aunts and uncles and grandparents don't love you enough? MAYBE THEY HAVE GOOD REASON.

Fuck you, fuck off and get the fuck out.


I'm done with dealing with shitheads. Broaden your goddamn perspectives, open your fucking eyes and do something that isn't in your GODDAMN COMFORT ZONE. MAYBE, YOU COULD ACTUALLY ACHIEVE SOMETHING USEFUL. There ya go, you shithead, now you've made something that maybe even YOU could be proud of.



Get the fuck out of my face.