I think my brain is leaking... anyone have a mop?

And the sleep schedule is still outta wack. Went to bed at like 6:30 am yesterday morning... woke up at like 7:30am for Chloe's basketball game.. Took a nap at some point today and now its 4am again. Jesus I'm lonely in this house. And you all know how I get when I am by myself... i think.
Today I was on a "I want company really badly" kick. You would think, well her aunt and cousin are there right? Well they are except that they remove themselves from society way more than I think is healthy.... I don't know I mean taking 4 hour naps when we could be doing something, and cancelling plans on others and basically just sitting there watching TV all day really isn't healthy. Yet that's what we do. Everyday. On those idiotic purple sofas that are basically beds. The living room has been reworked so it accomodates two... occaisionally a third person will come and try to join the conversation but it's futile because that beautiful green loveseat that my mom and I had picked out is isolated and struck out at a funky angle. I feel like I'm basically bitching but I don't know what else to do. I am so stir crazy I may just break into the dorms tomorrow. Fucking dorms. That don't open until Friday. Ridiculous.
Goddamnit, I am going to drive myself crazy if I don't do something soon. And I mean I have things to do, but jesus I am just so lonesome, I guess. Lise goes to bed at like 8 and Chloe trails into her room about an hour later. I don't understand this whole going to bed early thing. I don't know, maybe college has spoiled me. Maybe my sleep schedule IS messed up. Maybe I'm just bored and lonely with all my friends in Boone and me still stuck down here. I am reallllllllllllly tired of this feeling and I'd like to be back now, kthanx.

In the meantime, heres the list thats spinning in my head:
-finish study abroad application so its ready to turn in
-figure out the app fee and the work she wanted us to have done before break was over
-finish the kittycat box
-finish brookes present
-hang out with whoever is still here and quit bothering people
-do laundry, pack for boone, clean room (most likely this will be done thursday...night)
-go over bills and money etc with lise
-talk to verizon about an upgrade and a new plan
-get lunch with lisa g and grandma (potentially thursday too)
-call people about apartments from list
-stop inventoring the house, thats not a concern yet
-stop complaining
-finish corset and the hat for me and the scarf for me
-sooooooo much more


Good god I have a lot to do. I just wish I had some help in it all. Taking over my life, with no guidance is a lot harder than what I thought.
Motivation is just a lot harder to come by.

NY. An adventure no one could forsee...

I've been recuperating from my first trip to New York.
And I really mean recuperating.

Allison, Cody and myself. We survived that great huge big Apple.
Just barely.

After a debilitating 12 hour bus trip from NC we crashed in our run-down Travelodge hotel that was in a place even New Jersey people couldn't find.
We hit the city running that next day and after a day of not knowing where to even start, we attempted the NJ bus system, got lost and ended up being dropped off an aching 45 minutes away from our hotel. After tears and cramping feet and sighs, we were whisked away by 'Britney and Tyler' of Middlesex, New Jersey who agreed to drive us to our hotel in Union.
We slept decently and decided that Union, NJ was too far from the city and checked out that next morning. Took the bus in, then the subway to Greenwich Village where our gracious friend let us leave our baggage in his apartment. Unfortunately, due to other reasons we wouldn't be able to sleep there. We reasoned that since it was New Years Eve, we shouldn't be sleeping much anyway. We ventured out to find somewhere besides Times Square. Battery Park promised fireworks but we got tired of waiting for them and we journeyed to find Allison's friends who claimed to be somewhere around 49th and 8th in Times Square. We could only get as close as 39th and 8th. Fact: You cannot fit 10,000 people within 4 streets. It just isn't feasible.
We left without seeing the aforementioned friends and headed to our next destination that was named Webster Hall, a dance club who was featuring Nero, the dubstep remix master. Fact #2 Cramming too many people into a dark confined place filled with lasers and pumping bass, $5 waters and no cool air isn't as easy as it sounds. We danced and made new memories with the people around us for a few hours until neither Allison or I could breathe and we parted from that Dubstep haven.
We ventured to a pizza place that will forever hold a special place in mine and Cody's hearts for a reason wearing a Rolex and black high-heels and soon we went back to the Village, headed to a coffee shop we had fallen in love with the day previous and proceeded to stay from their opening at 9am to around 1pm when we retrieved our belongings from our com-padre's. Then we ventured to China-town where the bus taking us home would be picking us up that next evening.
We could hardly move and we got one of the only hotel rooms left in China-town and slept soundly for quite a few hours until Allison and I decidedly ventured out yet again, only this time to Queens to visit a dear friend- Jordan.
That evening was filled with laughs, wine, stories, jokes, hugs and promises. We could hardly stand how fantastic that night was. Jordan, if you're reading this, Thank you for such a wonderful night- you don't know how needed it was on my part, even besides the trip. My life needed a new start and new friends and new moments, just of that nature.
We headed home on the subway as I cooed about the movie moments occurring in my head, back to China-town. That next day we attacked with the vigor we thought was lost. Central Park, a late start to a museum, more walking, a perfect couple of restaurants for our last days meals, a few great pictures, magical moments, good friends.
We ate in China and Italy that day. We shopped in New York. We walked next to a lake and then caught a bus near Brooklyn that took us home. A place we couldn't be far enough away from about a week ago, yet we now longed for its embrace.
Home.
North Carolina.
Absolutely nothing like New York and we wouldn't want it any other way.

To sum up:
We went.
We saw.
We survived.
We made it back.

New York, you WILL see me again. And I shall conquer you next time. Don't you worry.



Thanks for an epic survival trip Al and Cody. Seriously.

Pitfalls.

I think it's about time for an update.

Hi everyone :)
I hope you're doing well this holiday season, and that it's filled with loving friends, family and the holiday spirit.

I've been doing... okay. And as I say that, I honestly have been okay.
This semester has been rough. It's the hardest I've ever faced and that's including friends, classes, social-lite-being, work(like activities), love and just life I guess.

This Christmas I can already tell you is going to be so hard but I just have to keep reminding myself of the good things that I still have.
I have my Aunt and my cousin, who despite their struggles with an impending divorce case, have continuously thrown me love and hugs and laughs to make sure that I'm still doing okay.
I have my grandparents, who I know are hurting so much but we can still laugh about the little things.
I have my roommate who can make me giggle incessantly.
I have my health and nothing is broken.
I have a job and school is taken care of.
I have friends that I'd die for and I feel like some would do the same.

I mean I've got so much to be so thankful and grateful for.

And I swear I don't know what it is about this season, but people are beginning to pair up left and right! You'd swear the Ark was coming.
But seriously, I'm so glad for my friends who Have paired up with someone! Because the 4 people in question all deserve each other and I'm so happy for all of them.

I think I'm getting kind of anxious though. I have to admit it. I'm terrified I won't make it through this break. I know I will physically, but emotionally I know I probably won't. I have no one to divert my attentions. I'll have to jump headfirst into this whole "being by myself" thing and I don't like this feeling. I want someone to dote on and someone who can divert my attentions from the sheer reality I have yet to face.
That of which, is that I'm alone.. My best friend has gone to where I cannot reach her and the bitter truth is that I miss her so much and some of that love I have for her is floating around with no where to go.
Maybe I shouldn't be with anyone. Maybe that's a bad idea and I'll just scare away another potential one. I would love for someone to look at me just to say "I'm proud of you" but I can only think of one person who's openly done that.
I'm just so tired of being so much by myself. It's very frustrating.

I see my friends who have many of the same feelings I have towards love and then they find it and are so remarkably happy, I have no choice but to hug them and shout because I'm so happy for them too.
It's just these little pitfalls that strike me a bit harder now I guess.


Sadly, I feel as though the people that I view romantically don't see the person I'm trying to be. Rather they settle for the appearance of what I am and then they give up on that.
The person I try to show them is the one who loves to give presents for no reason, would watch you and attempt to play video games for hours if it meant spending time with you, wants to go on walks in the snow so that I can figure out exactly what you're thoughts on Egyptian and Greek gods are, someone who would love to go to the parkway with a hot chocolate if it meant being closer to you, who would love to talk about music and fight about which Beatles/Ramones/Beck/Maroon 5 anything album was better for hours until we're both fighting to stay awake, I'm that person who picks a random movie we've both seen just to give it commentary, someone who loves love and is always in the mood for kissing, and I'm just that type of person who falls completely in love with the other person and would rather we best friends than anything.
But no one can tell any of that.

Can it just be April already?

Crafting Crazy, Creative Cretins Creatures' Creations for Christmas.

AAHH how'd it get to be 4AM?!

BUT AHH I got SO EXCITED for Christmas like yesterday.
I'm forming lists of things that I'm gonna make for people.
I actually found things that I want to make for my Grandpa... HE IS SO HARD TO SHOP FOR.
But omg. I want to make him a lamp for his workshop that is made out of a washer drum. HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE.
Sorry I'm really excited.
For my grandma, I'm making her sewing related things.
For Lise', I'm getting personal. She's getting Scrabbled' Coasters and cute decorative things that inspired me on Pinterest.
For Chloe, cupcake lights, an earring rack, and canvases. She wants me to teach her to paint.
GOOD LORD I'M EXCITED.

AND several ideas for Erin. But I will not post here BECAUSE SHE READS. *the face*
And Cat's on that list too. ;)

So Cat and I went to Antiquing today and it was sooooo.... Overwhelming :D because we went to "The Antique Place" to go and jesus christ, there was 3 floors CRAMMED with stuff. I couldn't handle it. BUT I have ideas. SO MANY IDEAS.
I'm knitting right now too. Actually just a hat you know? I'm knitting it for me and I finished painting something for my Grandma. I have lots to do and I need to watch my money carefully because I don't want Christmas to end up like it did last year with me scrambling around at the last second to get things done.

...Lise keeps bringing up the fact that we're gonna be at my grandparents house for Christmas morning. Like we're having a slumber party there so that it's not as hard waking up to a house where my Mom isn't making coffee and shuffling around in her giant green bathrobe.

Christmas is going to be reeeeeally hard. Considering that my entire family loves holidays almost too much.
While I was out with Cat, we went into this other little antique place and I was riffling through stuff and stumbled upon this little set of old projector slides of the "It's A Small World" ride. I teared up right then and there because the first thought in my head was "Ohhh! I could put this in Mom's stocking!...." and then realized. Jesus this is harder than I thought. I miss her. I wish I could hear her telling the story about when she and I went to Disneyland, just us while Dad was doing business, and we went on that ride and got stuck for almost an hour. We laughed so hard because of that stupid song, that was playing over and over and over again. I wish I could share that with someone who would think it was as funny as I used to think it was...
I don't know what I'm going to do this year... My christmas stuff is all in boxes, and Lise has no idea where or how to set any of it up... I don't want to go home but I want to so bad. I want everything to go back to the way it was....
I need to stop. I have to stop. Because I'm just depressing myself and unfortunately we have to make new traditions whether we like it or not. Lise said we can bring Brownie over for Christmas. God, I'm so glad because then I'll have my lil pillow to snuggle up with.
Thanksgiving will be okay.
Thanksgiving will be okay.
Thanksgiving will be okay.
I just have to keep telling myself that.
I AM making her cranberry sauce and those wierd-ass brussel sprouts she loved so much though. In her honor. Hopefully I can make them all right... AND I'm making the turkey.
I'm pretty excited and I'll post all the foodie stuff on my other page-
http://confessions-of-a-college-cook.blogspot.com/
which I think is pretty cool I guess. I mean it's just a blog about food..

But jesus, I need a hug.

I've discovered that I think I need a boyfriend... I've been so goddamn flirty lately and I need to stop that. I really though.. I really want someone to dote on.. to cook for... to snuggle with that won't shed all over me :)
Potentially someone to help me get through everything, slightly. Or at least lessen the blow that the holidays will imminently have on my family.

We'll get through things though. I've had to learn to do so by myself, and that's what it's lookin to end up playin out as.
No problems though, I guess.

So okay, shower time!
<3 ya all!

Blackbird fly... Into the light of a dark black night..

Today was good.
A hiccup here or there but overall it turned out great. I got to reconnect with a couple of friends and connect with someone new and it was nice.

Not to mention I got in line for a breakfast burrito just in time. THAT in itself makes my day.

Classes are classes. BUT I'm getting ready to get my trips all in order.
I'm so excited you don't even know.
I'm trying to plan my New Years, whether it's in NY or AZ... THEN there's the conference in March to CA. AND FINALLY. LE PIECE DE RESISTANCE.
The Trip To Europe.
With Erin. I can't even stand it.

Life is looking up a bit.
Unfortunately things get put on hold and some get pushed elsewhere. But you gotta do what you gotta do I guess. And I honestly can't think of any more of an eloquent way to have said that.

And what's funny is that I keep thinking about my date from tonight... Haha sweet boy. No really, he seems genuinely sweet and just goofy. It's refreshing really. I would love to just hang out with him more. I don't know, I think him and I have some stuff in common, but I hardly know him so I guess I'll just have to get to know him better. Which I would really like to, too :)

It's been a good day... And tomorrow will be even better.

2-D for me

I reread my mom's blog occaisionally.
Everytime I read
http://maren-rediscoveringaudacity.blogspot.com/2011/02/crap-day.html
I read it in her voice and it makes me cry.

I've been feeling entirely 2-Dimensional. I feel like I'm not really working towards anything anymore and I hate it. A lot of my goals were to show my mom that I Could live on my own, that I Could survive. And I know I can, it's just gotten to a point where I don't care. My therapist has helped me but there's so much in my head that, really, she doesn't even know.

I printed out my application for the study abroad.
I still have to design my Makeup project for tomorrow.
I need to write a proposal for APO and look for places for the show to perform, in like 2 weeks.

I feel like I'm starting to drown among all of this and when in retrospect, it's hardly anything I feel. It just seems like my mind is still reeling and won't stop. I get stuck on one thing and I don't want to focus. My brain's out of focus and goddamn it my back hurts like a son of a bitch.

It's sad when you start to realize things too. As in the fact that a lot of your friends are too afraid to step up and Physically be there when you obviously need a distraction.
I've taken to drinking a lot. I drink and drink and drink and I've begun to recognize the fact that it's just binge drinking. Yet, I was in a class thinking "How good would a hot chocolate with kaluha be right now?".
I never used to think that way.

Now I think I just want to sleep. Sleep and not think about anything. I really think that I need a vacation from everything. I need to get away from school, the people who say they're my friends but respond with blank faces, the situations I'm getting myself into, the commitments I've made but am starting to realize that it's difficult on my own, etc.

My head just wants to de-focus for a minute, but in me not letting it, it takes longer to focus than it used to.

I have fewer good days now. More just so-so days.
My head is screaming: "CHANGE SOMETHING NOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!"
but my body is saying: "But I just wanna curl up for a minute..."
and then my heart is pleading: "I've been broken. I need time... Just leave it all alone...."


I would kill for a cuddle buddy right about now. Just someone to hold on to so that the world stops spinning for a minute and maybe I can sleep...

Tired. Of. It. All.

It's like I don't want to live anymore.
My heart is broken and I don't know how to put it back together.
Mom was supposed to teach me how to do that when and IF I was ever to be with someone.
I don't really know where to go from here...

I'm sitting in the library, drinking a coffee and hiding behind my outlet of a blog.
I'm not suicidal, but I'm in danger of disappearing completely and I'm curious if anyone actually cares. I know that quite a few people who claim to care about me could really give a shit, but that's just life, you know?
If you aren't a specific way, no one could be bothered to consider you more than what you already are to them- a physical storage system for their memories or thoughts of you. You aren't anything else, basically just a walking flashdrive for other people. That's what I've become and I don't want to hold onto all of this anymore.


Have a great Monday. I know that I am.