"But I will hold on hope..."

This is my ocean.
This is the world around me now.

I used to be able to go and sit in front of the ocean and stare and wonder at its vastness and capability to do almost anything.
But I can't.
I found myself yearning for that big expanse of never-ending ocean. But today, my entire outlook has changed.

I had something happen to me, up there on top of that mountain.
It was a religious experience for me. Something that even I couldn't explain.
All I know is that while sitting there, gazing out across the hundreds of miles of mountains, I began to cry... I have fallen in love with the scenery here and the trees and the creatures and the mountains and lakes and rivers. It's amazing because I always considered myself an ocean girl, and maybe I still am. But just looking out across, nothing in my way, it was beautiful.

I've found myself letting go and being humbled by the mountains- by the shear size and majesty of them. I had begun to ache for the ebb and flow of the ocean, as I used to hear it even just outside my window. But sitting on the side of that mountain, with just the sun on my back, wind in my face and the grass tickling my feet- I can't even describe to you.


At the moment the rain is falling and making beautiful pattering sounds by my window.
I'm where I am supposed to be. And this is the first time I've felt that I completely and totally belong here. It's a magical feeling honestly...
Oh and thank god for Mumford and Sons. Perfect moment, Perfect feelings.

It only takes a gray day (or two) to make you realize

Holy Horoscopes Batman!
Ugh.. Fucking Horoscopes.
I look at them once maybe a year and well, they tend to randomly be spot on.
Goddamnit Universe I get it! I understand that it's a full moon, and that's why everything was being peculiar, but at least I can let my mind rest.

Today, I felt like shit. I'm not really sure as to why but I think it might be made worse by the fact that it's like 50 degrees in the house and gross outside.

So I guess not a lot is going on in my life right now... Waiting til camp starts, wanting Jordan to come back to Boone, enjoying having some time off and working periodically, loving being in an apartment that's in the middle of everything, missing my mom and family too, kind of sad not to have my own room but hey, so far that's the only thing.

AND my birthday is coming soon... I've got a month and 8 days until I turn 20 and I've officially been alive for 2 decades. It's weird to me, it's like my own personal goal. Turning 21 has sort of lost the spark for me, this year though has been ridiculous.
-Helped SM a mainstage
-Got into Alpha Psi Omega
-Gained a boyfriend/lost a boyfriend (and realized how much of a mistake that was)
-Discovered a past someone again :)
-Met a hell of a lot of new people and got to know them Better
-Met me a fantastic coupla roommates
-Discovered more of myself and made the right decision to branch out
-Fell in love with that past someone :)
-Got an apartment for the first time and am living on my own
-Will be a camp couselor!
-Cooked without Panicking (That's for you Mom!) :D
And so many things....

2010-11 has been a bumpy ride but it's turned out in the end to not have been so bad :)

Hello 4AM...

Fittingly enough it's 4:20.
I'm living on "Hippy Hill" at the moment and have done mary-jane more in this last two weeks than I have in a year... And I'm having the time of my life.

It's been a little while so let me recap:
School's out, exams are over. Allison and I found an freaking AWESOME kind-of shitty apartment on a place called "Hippy Hill" and we've officially hit summer running.

Jordan and I have been apart since before exams started and it's killing me on the inside not being with him. It's hard but I'm powering through.

I passed all my exams and made it through all of my classes with solid B's and I've already planned on being WAY better next semester, for the love of god.

I've been working and dealing with living on my own. And boy, damn it feels good. I may be just sort of scraping by but Holy shit, I'm learning a lot.

I've been tempted. I've looked where I shouldn't have looked. I try to excuse my actions and what happens is that my brain tells me no. And I realize that that is Really cryptic but that's all I'm saying here.

I'm struggling with myself but this is all in the process. My heart is beating fast and it tries to decide my actions but I'm teaching myself. I have to. I've got me and that's it.

I'm realizing how good it is to have friends. I'm trying to trust more and allow my heart to be opened more frequently but it's proving very difficult for me, on a personal level.


So ...and I've been struck speechless. So much is buzzing in my head that I don't want to say that I almost feel like I must say. But I won't because I am not doing that to myself. I already know that that isn't how my heart feels, it's just what it thinks it wants.
I can already tell that watching 3 hours of Merlin has changed my speech pattern ..a little.
I suppose that's what it will do to you. :)


ANYWAY:
so the apartment- it's awesome, it's quaint, it's precious.... I don't know. I love it. I also love that there is almost always a party going on upstairs. Ryan, one of the boys who lives upstairs, is absolutely fantastic. Putting aside that he does some illegitimate things, he has great hair, an amazing attitude, can ballroom dance, does art and is basically just awesome- I'm going to miss the crap outta him once the school year starts up. BUT I reckon that I'll be over there a lot. I guarantee it.

So Jordan messaged me today... Apparently he and his family got into a car accident just recently and his dad is in the hospital. He's fine and so is his mom but his dad had his hand caught underneath the car and will hopefully be alright soon.

Id prayed everyday that he is okay and in good health and spirits, but this is the 2nd time in a short period of time that he has been in a car accident. I want him with me. I want so badly just to be with him. I want to be there for him and I'm so incredibly tired of being 200 so-odd miles away from him.
I don't want to break it off because my guess, once I'm at summer camp, it'll basically be put into stasis and will start back up once I'm back for good.

But I want it to be now... The next month or so is going to be a long one.


And for now, my insomniacs... To bed I said.

Sunshine makes you Grow

It was amazing out today.
ABSOLUTELY.

What's interesting is that I learned a lot about myself today with the help of my friend. She told me how the world honestly looks at me and that good god, I need to stop some of my tendencies.
And yes, sometimes I have screwed up but That isn't the end of the world. It isn't my job to be perfect all the time. Not that I am in the slightest, but at least I can stop trying so hard.
This may be a turning point. I don't even know...
Or I could just make it a turning point and not give a shit as to what other people think. I'm tired of not just knowing the truth.

I'm ready to focus on real relationships, try to make them better and hold them close. Because the ones that just sit there, with no connection at all, while you nurse it and try to force it into existence because you feel that that connection is something that's almost required.... It's not healthy.
If you have to force a friendship, give it up. You shouldn't have to compromise happiness because you feel something is necessary. Just focus on those who matter to you. And that you know you matter to them. Otherwise, life's only going to be a shit-ton of disappointments and feelings getting hurt.

I think my whole "I'm GOING to be HAPPY NOW" system is ending, and the "Honestly, I understand and care, but.." attitude will reign.
And it's not that I'm not ALL OVER HAPPY, I just think that Emily needs a little self-reevaluation.

I think I'm going to be happy for me, because I need to. And if anyone wants a boost from me, I'm happy to give it. And I'm happy to share. Always.


The friends that I do have that I'm close to and that I know I can trust and that they can trust me, I cherish. I'd do ANYTHING for them. Anything.
And those kinds of friends, in the end will make you stronger.
So thank god for that and them.
My smiles are dedicated to those precious few. :)

The mind is all a blunder

My Life as my Head Allows:

Things are falling into place
I found a likely apartment and Allison might be living with me for the summer
Camp is looking likely
But Options are available if camp doesn't work
Friends are here and open and smiling
Words are flowing better
Feelings are becoming more apparent
Opportunities are available for me
I'm discovering things about my life
I've fallen head over heels for Arizona Ice Tea
I passed my lifeguarding certification and my CPR training with flying colors
My old hometown was horrifically flooded
A friend of mine is getting married and she's my age
I'm kind of in love with the Daffodils around campus and my dream is to find a bouquet of them waiting for me somewhere...
Masks and making things with my hands is what I love
Recycling everything
Music everything
New friends bond easily, old friends bond seamlessly
Things are looking up
Finally

Looking for sunlight
Hearts beat through love tonight
I look for that someone
Who hopefully understands.
The head holds strong in confidence
While The Heart begs an audience.
Love's complicated I guess...

Just a little something...

I found this and it reminded me of what I need to concentrate on in life.

This is exactly what I need to think about.

So let me figure this out...
Happiness to me:
-Singing loudly in the car and dancing with Cat, Erin, and Andrew
-Jordan's dimples :)
-Summer rains at the lake with Chelsie, Senior year
-Just a smiley from Jordan while I'm at work :)
-Finding that picture-strip from the boardwalk with my girls
-When he told me that he couldn't tell I wasn't wearing makeup
-That moment of silence when I stumped a teacher ;D
-Getting 3 postcards from my traveling family, a card and check to make sure I can get home, a handmade card from my baby cousin, my paycheck and a package from my mommy filled with love and things I forgot at home
-Finding out I'm getting a great tan already
-Putting on a new pair of Reefs in the sunlight
-Holding Kelsey when she's upset but then telling her an inside joke making her giggle and smile :)
-Being held by Allison, with her calming me down reminding me to take one step at a time.

I just have to think about my happiness.

Lifeguard Training: Take 1

Okay.
My entire body hurts, my brain hurts and I don't really know what to do about that.
Honestly, and I won't lie to you, I don't really think I'm cut out to be a lifeguard. It might be because I'm kinda overweight so I struggle sometimes to keep up with other people but I don't know. I'm just so fucking tired right now. I can't find the strength to even put my laundry away or tell this one person that I can't talk at the moment. I'm just... drained. And I feel as if I did just about every one of the skills wrong. And the class only lasts til Sunday. We meet on Friday and Sunday and we have 3 tests that if we don't pass, we have to take the ENTIRE class again. And I honestly am like, "You've GOT to be joking right now."

This week has sucked majorly. It's been such a damn rollercoaster that I don't even know what to do with myself.
My mom just told me we aren't going to the Olympics so I could basically go on a study abroad trip which will be awesome. But ITS THE OLYMPICS. SERIOUSLY. not fair.
I can't seem to figure out housing for the summer, since honestly, I can't go back to Mooresville for the summer. I don't feel like it's where I belong.... (Now if only I could find a way to get my entire family up here!)
Jordan isn't sure about what he's doing either and got into a wreck and just a whooooole mess of shit.
I have to choose between Audra's wedding and a camp I would have so much fun at...
Most of my friends figure that I overstretch myself so much and that I'm so busy, they just drop me and I love both sets but I'm not really completely happy with either.

I hate having to choose. It makes me want to cry because nothing can work out where it's great for everyone! It's not fair!!!!!!!!!!!! I Hate This!!!
(PLEASE just let me have this hissy fit and let me BE!)
I don't want to be an adult, I don't want to have to choose between a friend and an experience, I don't want to have to choose between my mom and a trip of a lifetime and something that might be kinda cool until I get my hopes up about it. I don't want Jordan to be sad, and frustrated about his life and school. I DON'T WANT A TWITTER OR A TUMBLER. I JUST WANT TO LIVE AND NOT WORRY!!!!!!!!!
I'm so tired of all this. I just want a break. I want a mental break. Something that will not make me explode all over everyone. I just want to sit and cry for a little bit. I want to stop aching to leave the world and live on a mountaintop.

No I don't remember who you are.
No I can't seem to grasp this concept you're showing me.
No I don't want to believe that all my friends slowly forget me.
No I am not feeling okay.
No that won't work because somehow, after I fucked up my life and didn't get a license, I've become a freeloader and that just doesn't sit well with me.
No I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO GRADE ME ON HOW FUNNY I AM.
No I can't remember the last time I talked to you.
No I'm not kidding about wanting to cry, I am Just that tired.
No I really am terrified about life and I can't seem to figure anything out on my own.
Yes, I do need help. No really, I do.

Whoever gives two shits, my mind is about to explode, someone please... A hug maybe. A suggestion. Possibly a little light on what my mind can't decide.


I feel like I have a tumor blocking every signal from my decision making and memory sides of the brain. I don't get this.