Found my transporation these days: I'm Rollarcoastering to Boone.

Since about 3 weeks after summer started I've been depressed, I've been estatic, I've been way Up and I've been way down. Nowadays, I feel like I have no handle on my emotions. Some days I can't get up from the hatred of being at home and of my lacking schedule and I refuse to talk to anyone or do anything. Other days, I'm a bundle of energy raring to get out and go do something or invite half the neighborhood to hang out with me. I think my hormones are out of balence, obviously and I'm not entirely sure as to what to do about it.

So with Mom suggesting I don't come home for the summer next year and anti-depressants (yeah it got That Bad) and my friend having to break into my house thinking I was held up in my room, Summer hasn't been all that great. That is of course except my birthday party, the week that followed that and what I'm looking for to in a week (my BEST friend is coming from CA and then she and I are going Back to CA).

I'm honest to god, at a loss of words right now. I'm trying to think of what to say but I got nothin.

It's 2AM and Rachel Ray is on a re-run. She kind of annoys me. I'm surfing pictures on Facebook. It's now 2:15.

Alright I'm gonna think of facts to list because only maybes are swimming in my head.

1. I ramble.

2. My sleep schedule is fucked.

3. I have a crush on a guy named Mike.

4. I didn't expect it to happen.

5. Yet, Us together seems like a joke.

6. I hate being bored.

7. Procrastinating is my worst habit.

8. My dream is to be well-known, eventually.

9. I love my friends, but I hate people.

10. Rachel Ray is obnoxious.

11. I've craved popcorn for 4 days now.

12. Boone is calling me.

13. It refuses to leave a message.

14. I love tye dye shirts, husky malamutes and the smell of Bojangles french fries.

15. Legos are my favorite pastime. HANDS DOWN.

16. I'm a romantic more than you would ever know.

17. I've never skydived.

18. But I want to.

19. I miss the Pacific ocean.

20. I'm done with how I've been treating myself and the ones around me.

Alright. Those are all definites.

I need to kick it into gear because I officially have a month and a week until I go back to school (which is coming slow enough) and I need to finish things, start things and get myself back into working order. I think I've gained about 15 pounds since coming home so yeah, That needs to change. Also, my plan was to get my liscense. I also have to study and finish all my APO stuff.

Ugh, soooo much. BUT, I feel like I can do it. I feel like I'm gonna Have to get myself to do it.

I have to kick this fucking depression to the curb. I HAVE to. If I want to save my insane self, I NEED to. I don't have a choice.

Alright, it's 2:39AM, I need to get some sleep. Happy Saturday :)

As the day inches by... 19 draws closer.

Lately I've turned to my blog to let out my feelings... I've been feeling like life is great but then not so. It's not as great as it Could be. That's mostly my fault, no one else's. I hate when I vent to people because then they try and give me advice for whatever pissy mood I'm in and they should know better. I'm stubborn as hell and also Debbie-Downer when the time is right. So that never makes for a very good conversation.

So as I sit here waiting for my laundry to finish washing so I can switch it and go jump in the shower, I feel like a little writing. I truely need to get out of this funk. Oh and my birthday is coming up this Saturday... It just happens to fall on one of the busiest vacation weekends of the year. Mainly because everyone is out of school, summer sessions at college are generally finishing their first term and it's the weekend before 4th of July. Most of my friends are on trips, or have other plans so I tend to get a little sad I guess right before my birthday. It's actually incredibly pathetic because this happens every year. Usually for no reason, I mean this happens every year, I should be used to it right? But I need to stop bitching.

I really should get out there more. It's just hard without a car or rather a liscense. I'm still working on that... I'm trying to wait until I stop getting anxious when I just Think about getting behind the wheel of a car. I really need to get over it though. I feel like a dumbass because I'm terrified of driving. I'm fucking 19 for god sakes!! But oh well, whatever.

I just need to get through today, tommorrow and this it's my birthday :) Which I'm betting myself will inevitably be fun.

Something that I've actually figured will take up my time is this new project I'm planning on doing. From the day of my birthday I'm going to take a picture everyday of something that represents that day for everyday until my 20th birthday in 2011 :) Also for May, I was hoping on taking a roadtrip as soon as we get home from school. A long roadtrip to California... That's my goal. I have all of the logistics roughly planned out. Some of the other details will fall into place but I need to have a goal for next year. I NEED to. If I don't then I have nothing to work for.

Flippin through old pictures can getcha down...

Goddammnit Glee!!

Okay so I had been planning to spout off about the pity party I've been having for the last few days (or weeks rather) but then I'm folding laundry (Yes, I fold laundry at 3am get over it) and listening to my standby music choice, Glee covers. A song comes on that somewhat suits my attitude called "Alone" that was beautifully redone by Kristen Chenoweth. I start thinking about my vendetta I was going to pour into my entry tonight but then a particular line comes up that says "Alone.... Til now, I always got by on my own" and I start thinking... I did, I was perfectly fine. Til now. Then the next song comes on... "You can't always get what you want..." and I start thinking, "Really?? Glee?? Seriously and on Shuffle?" I decided I have the iTunes Shuffle of Fate. So I'm listening to that, putting it into perspective. Okay and maybe now isn't my time, but really FUCK, When has it ever been my time? Anyway, I continue to listen (I'm at T-shirts by the way).

Ahhh then "Keep Holding On" comes over my laptop's speakers. Yep, I have the absolute Mood Shuffle. "You're not alone, together we stand, I'll be by you're side- I'll take your hand..." Beautiful line, and it makes me think.

See I got into a fight with a friend about something stupid. She and I have been around and around about it. My drunk self apparently agrees with me anyway. But so this stupid fight was about a lot of things. Lately I've been down on myself because I've been lonely. I get depressed because in my life, my Long fucking years of 19, I've had one nearly-decent relationship. It ended wierdly and that's all I have to say about that. It's rough when you feel like no one loves you :D And I say that with a grain of salt and a slight air because I know my family loves me (Mom would interject: "it's because we Have to!" and then smile and laugh) but I know I have a few friends who do, who I know I can trust. But Love is different. To have a peer of some sort, like you more than the projected "friendship-value" is amazing. It's almost a miracle in a way. But see, I had that once. Somewhat briefly. And I have friends who have had one person for a couple of years. I have friends who's person Loves them so much that they have decided to marry. Or have kids. Now I digress, but I'm at a strange age and in a strange place so it's almost awkward when you find out someone you know is married and is pregnant. Or is thinking about getting married and really wants to start a family Now. Yes, I understand that that makes them happy, but still... 19?? or rather theres some at 18 and 17! I mean COME ON! You have no idea what life is going to dish out to you at 25 when you have 2 kids 4 and 6 Already. You've lost your childhood. At least that's what I think. I can hardly think of having ONE kid at this age. Because I TOTALLY want to shop in the Maternity section with my mom before I've even gotten Out of my TEENS. Yes, 19 is Still a Teenager. Once you hit 20, I'll leave you alone.

But whatever. I know it makes people happy, it just makes me sad, slightly confused and dare I say.... left out. I guess that's what I'm getting to. To have a friend that IS married with a kid, being their friend as a single teenager is awkward to me. I no longer feel I have all that much in common with them. I'm Plenty happy for them, and good luck to you Mommas to-be. But Ahhhh I can't want that! My plans are too big for that. I plan on changing the world somehow. I'm not sure how but I will. My passion is to do Something big... Or I will DIE trying.

See, but the thing about having married friends or rather Coupled-friends that didn't bother me really until I had really thought back, past my naievety and politeness, I have a lot of friends who are in couples. For all my single friends, they know Exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the "Third-wheel Syndrome" and yes, it's plagueing our nation. Some people in couples may know what I'm talking about. But see, I've had it just about MY ENTIRE LIFE. Even when I'm with family now too you know. Everyone has a husband, or a boyfriend or whatever. And if you are in a relationship now, you don't get a say. I'm sorry but not againest me. You have no idea of what I've gone through in my life.*

Shit!! I've got to stop this Fucking Pity Party!! It's not attractive in my book. Besides, I don't care, I'll be alone for a lot longer and then possibly fine some person I'd settle for. I mean that's how it goes. I feel like a damn hypocrite though. Because I want someone to love me but then I put down marrying someone and having a kid. Maybe I should wait til I'm 50 and ugly as shit. Then if someone wants to marry me, then I will Know it's for real. But I don't know. See, this is what happens if you sit in my head and listen to me argue with myself.

Lemme answer a few straight forward questions to clear my head:

Do I want a relationship? yes.

Do I want one so I can marry? no. HELL NO.

Do I want a kid? or 2? fuck that shit. I love kids but fuck no.

Do I want to get married eventually? Yeah sure. At some point.

Do I hate all friends who are in a couple? No. Jesus christ, no.

Do I feel awkard around couples? Yes. Occasionally.

Goddamn, I hate this fucking summer depression. It needs to speed up and get me to Boone. Noo Kidding.

*oh so I was saying...

let's see, S.A. in kindergarten, watched my parents fall out of love, abused by my cousins almost everyday, didn't have my first official kiss til my Senior year of high school, never had a boyfriend til college, he refused to do the act, I fucked around and did it in a stupid way, fucked around because I couldn't find love anywhere, I don't know... Poor self esteem seems to tell me that society says you need to Love to be a suitable member of life. It also says, that without it you aren't suitable in general. I mean it is true. The average teen has 4-5 relationships before graduating high school/college.

I guess I just feel left out or something along those lines. And yeah, it's depressing, but I'm not dying about it. I'm just sad. I'll get over it and move on with my life. It's what I do and now that I'm old enough to understand this ..emotion.. it's a fucking downer I'll tell you right now.

But again, OH WELL. I'll get over it and move on.

Thanks for listening.

Oh Just Don't Stop Believin' :)

So Yes, I have OFFICIALLY become a Glee Addict. I have every song that has been done by Glee and then some. It's sad. But I love it.

Anyway, this entry is dedicated to my uberly close friend Frankie.

The reason for this is because of my last entry. If you refer to my previous entry I had a scary encounter with reality. Just this evening, I believe Frankie got home today... But I had seen my phone in which I had 2 missed calls from her, and as I checked Facebook, I had a message from her almost yelling at me to call/text/skype etc. I had a feeling it was about that entry and I skyped her and all it was, was that she wanted to make sure I was okay. And that is what I call a close friend. She looks out for me, she knows she can come to me about anything and I know that I can go to her about anything too.

And yes Frankie, even if there are some things I keep to myself, I will find a way to tell you. Even if it is indirectly ;)

But honestly, I just want her to know how much I love her, no matter how many times I may tell her, I mean each and everyone of them. Also, I want her to stop worrying so much about Beege. She tends to worry, (even though it's what she's known for, hahaha!) but she'll worry so much for and about other people that it hurts her. I just want her to know how strong of a support system she has to lean on and to rely on. We are here for you Love bug :)

But also, one of the things I want to say is that I admire her. I admire her strength and her love and caring for other people. Not to mention I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.

She honestly Should Apply for sainthood.

But Frankie, I love you. And that list of things I love about you continues to grow. I can't wait to continue it at school this year. ♥

Life = Priceless

Wow today was ....interesting.

Today I was home. Like I have been. Doing... well.. basically nothing. Around 2pm, decided to clean the kitchen. Mom came home at 2:30pm. Finished dishes and broke into a meltdown at 2:45pm. Decided to tell Mom everything that I had been keeping from her about my life at college at 3:05pm.

So teenagers have this magnificent willpower to not tell their parents certain things about their lives such as their sex life, drugs they've done, friends, etc because they would rather deal with it themselves. Well that's all dandy for them but living with MY Mom and her and I being as Close as we are, you have Absolutely no idea how hard it is to not tell her certain things. She is, dare I say, my best friend. She's been there when I HAD no friends. She and I have been through everything. So I think that I was depressing myself and unwilling myself because I had Quite a few things on my mind.

So I sat down.. And decided to tell her that I wasn't a virgin anymore. Which I had been withholding because for some strange reason I was afraid she'd get upset. So now, after the last time I had "done it", I had been overthinking things (the way that I do) and yes, I'm going to be completely honest, I wasn't sure if I was pregnant or not. I Didn't WANT to be... I was ABSOLUTELY terrified that I could very well be. And I told my Momma. She then proceeded to... surprise me. She was absolutely calm, made a couple of jokes as my head spun and when I was done venting about my escapades at college, she calmly reminded me of when my doctor's appointment she had scheduled for the next day was at, and then said "Well then. I'm going to head to the store.. Wander around a bit... Oh right I need Seltzer water... aaaand... Oh I'll see something I know we need. Just so it doesn't look conspicuous." A smile came across her face, as my eyebrows came together in the look of absolute confusion on my face. "...Your getting me a pregnancy test?" I had figured. She came back with "Well we need to check now, and if you're pregnant, then we are figuring this out. Now I'll be right back."

That is one of the reasons why I love my crazy-ass Mom as much as I do. She didn't get upset at my stupidness, she just decided to nip it in the butt. And Oh, by the way? It was negative. Thank God.

But so last night, I talked to my best friend for gahhhh, probably like what, Erin? 2 hours? 3? I can't even remember and it was last night :)
I was having a mini panic attack and needed someone to listen, but not try and just spout off advice, I needed someone who wasn't going to inform me of their relationship and how great or on the rocks it was. I just needed someone to listen to my babbling and make polite sense of why my head is spinning around the thoughts it was. So I talked to Erin. She and I are basically two halves of the same person born literally a year and 4 days apart. She and I are pretty sure we belong together and we shall grow old together. No doubt about it.
Anyway, I had been sad. You have days like that, where you talk to someone and they've Just gotten into a relationship and Yay, you're happy for them but honestly couldn't give a shit. Or then someone you're talking to casually brings up their problems and 'Ohhh I just don't know if I can go on, I can't believe he broke up with me, I want to die' sort of shit. It's like Seriously? I just want to have a normal conversation without you bringing up YOUR personal life and how about I won't bring up mine? No I don't feel like giving you advice right now, because OBVIOUSLY you can't tell that I'm having a panic attack right now, and if you could PLEASE leave a message after the beep....

Beeeeeeeeeeeep.........

This had been my routine for the last month or so.
I think that my mind is somewhat clearer now, I think I'll be better. I have a few things to work on so hopefully, those will hold my interest. I still have yet to unpack from college... I almost Don't want to unpack and I don't have a clue as to why. Also, I'm going to be working on getting my license FINALLY (don't laugh :P) and I'm going to try and get more active. I think that re-prioritizing my life helps.

So also, the California trip is starting to materialize before my eyes. Mom booked us a house for 3 nights 4(?) days in Rio del Mar so we have a place to sleep!! Yayy!! And we have our plane tickets, and I can't wait to see everyone...
My goals before my flight out is:
-to have my license
-be as absolutely tan and beautiful as possible
-IF POSSIBLE: have a boyfriend or a ..fling :D haha
-Be unpacked from college but ready to go back in a moments notice

It's not a long list but it's absolutely doable.
This is Me baby, and I've come out from under that damn cloud. I'm searchin' for my sunshine :)

The emptiness in my mind/in life/in self Overcomes me....

My head is killing me, yet subsiding. My back aches, but it's diminishing. My mind goes blank but little hopes pop up in my head.

THIS is the life of a college student home from school, who can't sleep (it's 4:10am) and is absolutely exhausted.

So I need to get out of my house. I need something to do. Hah, I bet you remember me near the beginning of the year when I was (now a phrase coined from my best friend Erin) "fuckin' out" I was out of my fucking mind with so much to do. Since then, I'm bored like hell, a few of my friends here are flakes and it gets old. You can't be a flake unless you're busy in college. It just doesn't happen. I am so bored right now and I'm trying to make the best of it.

I did things today! I slept in til noon (check). I ate an obscene amount of cereal (check check). I helped my mom with her new planter bed in the late afternoon sun (check check check-check).

I briefly swam in a pool! (CHECKEROO!). And then? Nothing. Ate food and watched TV like I've "missed" for so long. Well TV can go fuck itself if you ask me. I'm so done with being home. I want to go camping. I want to go to the beach! I want to at least go on the lake! I mean for real. This is ridiculous. THAT is why I opted for coming home from school at the latest possible time and date. I didn't want to leave. I honestly like having that much freedom and free range and responsiblities and exercize if you ask me. Being home, I can hardly bring myself to unpack my stuff from school. It's taken me a month just to unpack my clothes. My shoes are still in their box. It's just getting to me.

I've talked to a few friends who actually feel the same way but remember that non-motivation right before finals? Well I have that for everything nowadays. I feel almost like it's punishing me in a way. I want to care but don't. I need to care but can't. Not really sure what my motivation for all of this is. I just can't wait to get back to school. I need school. I need my drive back. I need my freedom back. Maybe if I actually get my liscense this summer, I can regain some of my freedom and independance back. Beside of the fact that no one seems to realize my petrifying experiences driving cars, which left me absolutely terrified of them. It's pathetic I realize but it's true. Just thinking about driving down the interstate makes my heart beat rapidly. I don't know. It's just not an enjoyable experience for me.

So I talked to a friend of mine last night who just got me worked up about being home. It really is sad. All day today I've been like, "Let's go camping" or "Andrew, as soon as you get back you and I are going on one of the little islands and camping!" and I have decided that I want a kayak for my birthday! I actually love kayaking and I think it's alot of fun but I, to be completely honest, don't have any of the funds to even be close. OR a camera lens. See, I really wanted a Telephoto lens from my dad for my Nikon camera but got Reef flipflops instead. It's really okay, I mean, I wear those sandals everyday but I would've loved to see him pull through for once.

But ladies and gentlemen, I must leave you now since my eyes are beginning to decieve me and shut without alerting me first.

So I bid you Adieu.. and bon soir et j'aime tout le vous, mes amies! :)

<3

A friend by any other name...

Have you ever had one of those conversations with someone that reveals that they are exactly the person you were looking for?

How about re-met someone who turns out to be the absolute opposite of who you had made them out to be?

A friend’s friend of mine did that just this Thursday. He invited me out on an outing that was just gonna be an fun trip with a bunch of friends hanging out at Speed Street in Charlotte. I was going because I made been meaning to hang out with him because he’s my friend.

Alright Back-story:

I used to have a major crush on a boy from my school and had decided to throw him a surprise birthday and so me with the help of his best friend, Charley got a list of attendees together, figured it would be at my house, and bought our weight in cake and Mounttain Dew. So we contacted everyone including Anderson’s friend Andrew. He seemed incredibly nice over the phone and was curious to put a face to a voice.

So he showed up at my house, and as he walked up my driveway I sized him up. Over 6 foot, black hair, an old red hat, deep brown eyes. He seems cool enough. I still liked Anderson. But so we had the party, Brownie fell in love with him and followed him all over the house. Andrew became a fixture in my new friend group.

He and I kept up talking after that for a while and he asked if I wanted to go to Battle of the Bands with him, I mean what the heck, right? He’s a nice guy and we hung out there. Then so after that, he got invited to my grad/birthday party. That’s where he met my friend Ashley. They apparently hit it off and started to go out. I was incredibly happy that 2 of my friends were together and I thought it was great.

After that summer, I was whisked off to Appalachian where I got a text from Andrew telling me that him and Ashley broke up, and if he could come up to Boone. Over the year, he came up probably a total of 3 …or 4 times? Can’t remember. But my friends all became friends with him and I would occasionally get asked when he was coming back up. In the course of that year, I had been over to his house, he’d been to mine, I’d met his parents who loved me, he’s met my mom and Brownie who Both love him and have Both suggested we get together, and also we’ve slept in the same bed, held hands, gotten lost, shared stories, partied together, and head-banged at a concert together. He and I had been through a lot.

The last time he came up he brought Charley and Anderson and that weekend was pretty fun. Except for Anderson and me were the ones who sort of got together. That was not something I had expected. Him and I it turns out would be better just as friends I think. Not to mention, that was something Andrew and I talked about.

So let’s fast forward.

Andrew and I had been meaning to hang out for a while and we had meant to go see a movie or something and to honest, we didn’t know each other really well in slight of the fact that we had hung out a lot over the last year. So he invited me to Speed Street in Charlotte. It’s basically this giant free fair for adults (usually over the age of 21, damn being 19). There are several bands and a huge somewhat known final band at the end of the evening. We perused around the event and had a great time. Later on that night, we met up with a friend of his who actually happened to go to my old high school and he brought a few of his friends. We all hung out and when the concert was over, we started to leave the event and as they were going to walk further down into Charlotte, we decided to start on the journey home. He and I live on opposite sides of Lake Norman, so it would be a while til he would get home. But so halfway there, we concluded that we were starving from not eating anything the entire time we were at Speed Street, so we went to Cookout. Waiting for food to come out, we started chatting. We started talking about when Anderson had asked me to prom and how that was, and I told him the whole story about the night when he and Anderson had come up to Boone. He seemed surprised that Anderson had actually done that. But so after that, our conversation bug sparked and we talked about literally everything.

Now I think if you know me enough, I can’t be friends with you if we can’t have a decent conversation. I tend to overlook or ignore people who I can’t have an intelligent conversation with. It’s just not possible to be with someone like me. I think that was one of Austin’s and my pitfalls. He and I had never had a conversation longer than like 20 minutes. But so Andrew and I talked. About everything, a lot was mostly personal and I told him things I had actually never told to anyone. We confided in each other and it was such a fantastic evening, I long for another like it. But so we moved from the parking lot at Cookout to the empty parking lot in front of the Belk shopping center. We sat there in his car, under a streetlamp for 2 hours just talking and interrupting each other with another connection we had and with another thought to share with one another and another memory to say “oh my god, did you really??” to. We surprised each other and wanted to prove to the other person that we were different than our original perceptions that we had gathered. We also proved that we are both huge romantics and that’s one of the reasons neither of our past relationships had worked out in the past. We also talked about how we both want relationships but since he’s going off to college, he wants one that he can almost dispose off once he flies off in August. He and I are similar in that way. I would love to fall in love for the summer, just because I sort of miss being in a relationship because to be completely honest, I love Love. I love being with someone and being able to show them off because I love that feeling. I would love to have that while at home this summer.

But see him and I are also two different people, which is really nice. It’s refreshing to have a friend who’s comfortable being himself and is fun to be around. He’s going back to California for school to Cal Poly and I’m going back to Appalachian. I’m going to be Very sad because Andrew has become a really close friend and I love hanging out with him.

At this point I bet your asking, “Why don’t they just get together??” Well, the reasoning behind why we haven’t is because, …well actually I don’t know. It really never crossed my mind. The only thing that has though is that Anderson and I wouldn’t be good right now. Andrew is sweet though; I’d rather keep him as a friend I can tell anything to. I’d prefer that. And I would want to be there for him across the country if he needed me. I would hate the awkwardness there might be if he and I went out. Besides, he and I, I doubt, are even remotely attracted to each other. I mean he’s cute, he always has been, but we don’t really see one another in that way.

This past weekend we’ve been talking about our troubles of dating and relationships through texts off and on during the days. I had a revelation about wanting a summer love too. He said he just doesn’t want to look. I agree with him. I feel like one is right around the corner and he agreed. I don’t know. Eye Dee Kay. Ever since that conversation with Andrew, I’m beginning to see him as a really close friend and less as just someone I know, as I used to see him. I mean maybe him and I would get together and maybe we wont. Anything can happen this summer and I feel like that’s going to be my motto this year.

Now Personally I can’t wait to get to school because I have loads of friends going to Appalachian, including Ryan and Anderson and Allison! I’m so excited for next year. I can hardly even stand it. I’m sad though because Richard isn’t going to be at school, mainly because he was slacking in his classes. I actually plan on graduating from Appalachian and I will nothing to stop before I get to that.