No, I can't sleep now- Doctor Who is on

I hate being home alone. At 5am.

Being home alone makes me think things.

Thinking things to myself late at night gets me riled up about even stupider things.

Getting riled up makes this melodramatic girl not be able to sleep and makes the shadows move.

Shadows flickering in the corners freak me out.


I had a conversation with a friend of mine tonight. She's a wonderful friend and I love her to absolute death. It's only that when I get inside my own head (like I've probably mentioned before at some point or a hundred times before) is when I will refuse just about all reason except my own.
This evening when in conversation with Frankie, somehow I got on the topic of relationships. Something about me asking her to "wrangle me a man" whether it be in Florida, where she was on vacation or it be where we go to school.
My reasoning to her? Because I am not capable myself.
To flesh that thought out a little bit more? Because I've done too many regrettable things and can't keep interest in whoever I'm dating.
And to finish out my ridiculous thought? My standards are too high.

And of course, Frankie chimed in beautifully with exactly what any friend should say in encouragement and faith in a new day and new people.
"You just haven't found the right person! Do what you do and that right person will come around and it'll be perfect, I promise" are the words of a good friend.

Well unfortunately, her words only managed to rile me up even more. She said that I'm worth my high standards. She said that to lower them and settle is just subjecting myself.
But in all honesty, what lengths would or should I go to, to acquire the intimacy that I've desired so intensely since the beginning of my adolescence? (wow, look at me go with all this fancy vernacular- Ooh I like that one too!) Now I suppose it's typical of teens to desire someone sexually but I'm not exactly... that way. I mean yes, periodically I can be. But I what I crave (that isn't carnal, I suppose) is complete trust and emotional absolute security. Even since I was entering junior high and into high school, that's all I've wanted. Not even my first kiss let alone ...further than that.

So Frankie said not to lower my standards...
And I think that if I write them out, she'll see what I mean.

Hmm... this part is tricky.

What am I looking for? 

A man. Not a boy.
Dark hair and light eyes.
Accent (preferable but not required)
A bit taller than myself but not so tall at the same time.
Must be able to talk to endlessly and comfortably.
Movie and music lover but not a snob.
Kind and gentle yet tough and willing to fight.
Smiles and hugs often.
Doesn't bullshit me and won't lie to me.
Embraces my geekiness and my nerdlike habits.
Understands my intense love for my mother, my family and the past.
Will be willing to argue just for the sake of arguing.
Doesn't care (and could be willing to join in) on movie/tv marathons periodically.
Is willing to eat strange things.
Lets me indulge in silly things (Call Me Mayyyybeee!!) every now and again. 
Can be spontaneous at a moments' notice.
Might be willing to break rules.
Doesn't have unrealistic expectations of children and the future.
Romantic to an extent that is cheesy and silly and crazy that makes everyone else jealous but not everyday of course...
Doesn't care if I haven't shaved my legs that morning.
Could give a shit if I was primped enough, but won't hesitate to appreciate the time I've put in. 
Indulges in my moments of Earth-savingness that occur occasionally.
Understands all, if not most of my quirks, and knows that they dissipate after a little while.


Yep... I think my standards are too high.
I require too much of one person and I think over time, I'll accept it.
Or maybe I'll try my hand at online dating or something... Who knows.

And for now, I'll just mull all of this over because who needs sleep at 5:23 in the morning? Besides, Doctor Who is on and the coffee-lifeblood-sustenance will be brewed momentarily...

JTN- Make sure and visit ALL the time, please...

After a fantastic weekend moving myself into Boone and trying to give Emily a great experience as a Boonie, I have to say that I'm going to be sad to see this summer go. I've gotten so close with quite a few people here in  Mooresville.
The main person though that is like, the friend I've waited for- is my crazy close friend Justin. I don't even know what the deal is, I just love the kid. It's the little things... I'll say something stupid and he laughs. He texts me to make sure I'm alright if I'm in a terrible mood.
I don't really have a lot of friends that I feel this strongly about.

And then there's Emily, my golden gilmore girl :) I love this chick, I think she knows too much thus the reason why I've decided to hold on to her for a long while. Plus we share a deep love for snuggling and delicious food.

Not to mention everyone I've made a connection to this year, you've helped me get through an incredibly hard period of my life and I honestly don't know what I would've done if I hadn't had the friends that I had. Or if you hadn't given me the distractions that I needed, I would've driven myself crazy.

I'm glad to say that this summer has been pretty fantastic, and when people ask me about how it was that's exactly what I'm going to tell them.

I've gone to Europe and experienced a different life, came home and lived the life I carved out for myself over the last 6 years. Two times that I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world...
I would never trade the love and the friendship that I've gotten used to being able to parade around.
I am so incredibly blessed and ab-sol-fuckin-lutely lucky with everything I've received this summer.

You get really thankful for things when you realize it's near the end of a special time... I don't even know what I'll do when I have to go back to school and Justin's here in Mooresville. I'm used to talking to him and seeing him like everyday. It'll suck but I guess we'll get over it. Or I'll just have to continuously call him and sing radio hits in his ear, which I know he LOVES. Eh, it'll all be fine.

Life is too fucking short.

Today's been a weird day.

I drove back from moving Emily into Wilmington today.
I harrassed Justin to come over (surprise surprise).
I ate a sandwich and worried about money.
I found out my friend Paige died last night.
I realized it's been almost a year (23 days until) since Mom died.

I don't.. Words are hard right now, it's 4:24 in the morning and I can't sleep. I thank my absolute lucky stars that I'm safe, healthy and loved right now.
You begin to realize how precious life truly is when someone you know (even if they weren't that close to you) passes away.
I texted Justin just to tell him how blessed I was to have him in my life.
I don't know who put him there, but all I know is that he isn't leaving and I promise to be with and around that boy until the day I die.
The amount of love I've gotten from the people who care about me and the family and friends that I've accumulated over the past few years is amazing. I wouldn't have ever even thought close to all this.

Sometimes life gets put into perspective for you. And then you begin to realize that even words can't describe. No amount of faith in whatever form you choose, can force you to see just how blessed and absolutely lucky someone like myself truly is.
I think I've been spoiled for most of my life. Nothing has been a tremendous hardship (except for Mom of course) but everything is livable.
Humans and the human psyche are incredible things.


Well Mom, would you look out for Paige Kriegel- she's a really sweet girl and is new up there.
Love to the both of you from the absolute bottom of my heart.
My thoughts go out to Paige's family and also to all of my family that struggles with hardships and issues of any nature. My thoughts and love go out to everyone- I just want everyone to know that they can live through those hardships and trials.
Especially if you believe in yourself.

And final parting words before I pass out- hold onto your family and friends, whoever those are that you surround yourself with, hard. Hold them hard and long, keep them close.

A Milestone Finally Fucking Achieved!

Hey everybody- I've been sort of taking stock of my life in my time here at home and whilst celebrating my epicness of a birthday (21 BITCHES!), I've begun to realize a few things...
I've lived through a HELL of a lot.
I'm happy (at least in this moment in time) and absolutely content with a lot that's gone on in life.

Let's see... What all have I even done?
I...
-Moved 3000 miles away from all my friends and family
-Dealt with a hell of a childhood growing up as the weird fat girl
-Lived through my parents' nasty divorce 
-Got diagnosed with a life long health issue that I'll never be able to change
-Graduated High school with a 4.0
-Took the leap and got accepted into a great university
-Loved and lost and loved again
-Discovered alcohol/drugs/nicotine and honestly they really aren't for me
-Found my calling in costuming and Theatre (and a job in it too)
-Lost my Mom, who was my best friend and confidante to cancer
-Got a painful tattoo in her honor
-Went to New York for New Years
-Went to Chicago and found a faith... in something, in people
-Traveled so many places in Europe, some even by myself
-Didn't die on my 21st birthday, even if I wanted to...
-Lived on my own since I was 18
-Am living through my Aunt and Uncle's crazy separating/divorce
-Found friends that will actually be with me for the rest of my life


A lot of it isn't fancy but you know what, I've done so much in my life already and I've got probably another 60+ years left.
No I don't have a baby.. or two. No, I'm not married to someone I dated in freshman year of high school. Yes, I'm incredibly lucky to have done everything I did. Yes, I did try hard to get where I am. No I'm not stuck in my life and I honestly never plan on taking depression pills because I know that my life is going to be what I make of it. I will make it incredible. I can feel it.

I almost get energized when I see someone from high school who was married at 17, has two kids and hasn't seemed to move out of their parents house yet.
I can't even imagine how depressed they must be, when they realize that there's so little that they can do now that they have had to grow up and be parents or when they are with the first person they laid eyes on that called them "pretty". I can't settle. Maybe I'll always be reaching but I feel like there's so much out there that hasn't been done or see or been accomplished. Some day I'll be out there making headlines that the people I went to highschool with will watch and be jealous of.
Who did they think I was? Just some stupid girl who would make the wrong decisions?
HAH no. I will be the one that they remember, the one that they see and go "oh wait, Honey! We went to high school with her! Oh wow, so she's doing.... that! Well that's very cool!"
I can't wait to be that person.
I can't wait to wow people. I promise you that's what I'll be doing.

Not to mention I don't plan on growing up yet. Growing up has never really been on the agenda....

So I guess here goes!

Reality.... ?

AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN AT THIS GODDAMN MINUTE???

I feel like all of a sudden there's many 5 people I know that AREN'T having kids. Or getting married. Or getting engaged.

FUCK. THAT.

Ruining the sanctity of marriage MY ASS. I know that in the next 10 years several of them will get divorced... Several are going to end up with 3 or more kids and then get tired of their significant other and cheat on the other... Or blow their head off because they're tired of the mediocrity of their life and they can't find a reason to keep living.

I. CAN'T. LET. THAT. HAPPEN. TO. ME.

I need to be bigger than that. And I don't need someone dragging me down wanting to... buy a house and settle down.
I don't want to settle.
I want to exceed! And if no one can fully appreciate that, then who needs them.

This has been an angry message brought to you by Emily.
But jesus, I think I need to go do some friend downsizing... *GAHHH*

Fiery Female looking for Perfect Partner....

Don't you hate it when a movie sets unrealistic bars for men in our society?
You want that hunky musician who adores you and can't Not turn you down, even though life's complicated and you have a laugh like a hyena...
I love and hate "Because I Said So".
I hate how much it makes me giggle and root for the obvious great guy who even has a kid and a live in parent who also happens to be single? Jesus, who writes this shit.
PLUS it doesn't help that the guy is GORGEOUS. Sure he plays the electric guitar and has a tattoo on the back of his hand and can't Not wear a fedora because it ONLY enhances his absolute dare I say it..... beautiful-ness! GAHH I want a man like him in my life.

Sometimes I think "well maybe I'll just be a lesbian... maybe that's just want life hasn't shown me yet..." but then I watch a movie like this (and can I just add how GREAT of a cast it is?? JESUS) and I see this guy who has opinions and has actual feelings *not just about making the woman happy, might I add, but about the relationship in general* and fuck, I'm going to end up alone.

The moment in the movie where Milly is frustrated and then Johnny says to stop apologizing and then draws a heart on her hand (GAHHHH) and she talks about how he can calm her down.. Then he says how she talks in circles yet makes absolute perfect sense? I'm so jealous because I can't even begin to tell you how much that somewhat sounds like me. If you've read my blog before, I typically write stream of consciousness and in circles, typically forgetting what I'm talking about halfway through but I have yet to meet anyone that can follow/keep up with me.

Mom always said it's okay, don't worry that person will come to you and it'll be great and everything will be exactly the way you want it to be.
Well I'm starting to get tired of looking. I mean I'm about 21 and have yet to have a truly solid relationship. So many of my friends are getting married or are having babies, I feel like I should be in that frame of mind, even if Mom had me when she was 29. I don't know.... I would love to feel adored. I would love TO adore someone. I always feel that congested feeling when I'm with someone though. I always suddenly feel like I have another bag to carry that's weighing me down. Maybe that's what I'm scared of in the end though. Maybe I'm scared that I'm just going to hate married life and having kids because I can't be wild and free. I don't know. I would love someone to share things with though. It was enough having Mom and I because in a way we were like sisters. We only had each other, but now that I'm alone and fending for myself with my emotions and thoughts and have very few people I can hurdle them at without horrific repercussions, I'm kinda sad.

This moment I'm not really though. I'm actually for the first time in a long time not wishing for something else. Not wanting something a bit more. I don't feel the need for anything right now... I'm perfectly content in everything and I realize that I'm so incredibly lucky for everything I've got. I've got Becka and her fantastic flat here in Southport which is directly in the middle of anywhere and everywhere I've wanted to go basically. Not to mention that she and I get along famously and I've got a relatively painless trip to Dublin planned that I'm pretty ecstatic to go on. Even if I'm by myself, I'm sure I'll be fine. I make friends pretty easily.

I'm ready to begin the next step of this adventure... And no, I'm not talking about Dublin..
I guess let's see what's out there for me :)

Darkness meets Sunlight.

It's been a while since my last post...
I find myself sitting in Erin's flat here in London, waiting for her to wake up...

Let's recap the recent past shall we?

Flew and met my group in London over a month ago.. (wow it's been a month already??)
Travelled to Bath, York, Stratford, Paris and back to London.
Spoke to my aunt and was told that Mom's medical bills have been settled with no debt remaining and money still somewhat in our pockets.
Saw Erin and Big Ben and realized that friendships are built for hardships, so that we can survive them together.
Saw Queen Elizabeth II and the royal family in the Diamond Jubilee.
The scholarship I was awarded is finally officially getting processed.
Financial Aid has awarded me over $10,000 in grants so I might go to school, debt free this year.
Decided to travel alone to Liverpool and Dublin...

I must say, it's been interesting. The school trip was ...stressful and full of unwarranted issues and emotions but honest to god, I wouldn't trade that entire experience for anything.

Not to mention, right now I find myself on the day before Mom's 50th birthday. She's going to be scattered over the Thames river here in London, with my best friend at my side.

This has been an intense year I must say....
I recapped with Erin and all the emotions welled up. I've traveled near and far to try and escape what I had been denying to myself; that the person I cared for the most died and left me here.

Before I could kill someone while being locked up at school in Boone, I promised Allison we'd go to New York for New Years. Then I promised my aunt in CA that I'd visit her for spring break. Then I made sure Allison got the senior summer trip she needed and went to Oak Island for the weekend. Then I promised Mom that I'd go to Europe for her and for me.

Maren loved London and had promised me so many times she'd bring me one day and we'd share a few drinks and tour the cities... She always spoke fondly of Bath and London and Dublin, so I took it upon myself and decided that I needed to go.

And well here I am, gearing up for the next half of my adventure. Prepping myself for Dublin and Liverpool and Amsterdam and in 3 weeks or about 20 days I'll be back in the States getting ready to celebrate my 21st birthday.

And next year's checklist is getting there too:

Find an apartment I'm happy with- Check.
Sign up for classes that I'm alright with- Check.
Finish my art portfolio- Check.
Finalize financial aid- CHECK!

Things always get brighter when the darkness seems to overcome.
Maybe my time to shine is coming closer... Just you wait and see :)