Reality.... ?

AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN AT THIS GODDAMN MINUTE???

I feel like all of a sudden there's many 5 people I know that AREN'T having kids. Or getting married. Or getting engaged.

FUCK. THAT.

Ruining the sanctity of marriage MY ASS. I know that in the next 10 years several of them will get divorced... Several are going to end up with 3 or more kids and then get tired of their significant other and cheat on the other... Or blow their head off because they're tired of the mediocrity of their life and they can't find a reason to keep living.

I. CAN'T. LET. THAT. HAPPEN. TO. ME.

I need to be bigger than that. And I don't need someone dragging me down wanting to... buy a house and settle down.
I don't want to settle.
I want to exceed! And if no one can fully appreciate that, then who needs them.

This has been an angry message brought to you by Emily.
But jesus, I think I need to go do some friend downsizing... *GAHHH*

Fiery Female looking for Perfect Partner....

Don't you hate it when a movie sets unrealistic bars for men in our society?
You want that hunky musician who adores you and can't Not turn you down, even though life's complicated and you have a laugh like a hyena...
I love and hate "Because I Said So".
I hate how much it makes me giggle and root for the obvious great guy who even has a kid and a live in parent who also happens to be single? Jesus, who writes this shit.
PLUS it doesn't help that the guy is GORGEOUS. Sure he plays the electric guitar and has a tattoo on the back of his hand and can't Not wear a fedora because it ONLY enhances his absolute dare I say it..... beautiful-ness! GAHH I want a man like him in my life.

Sometimes I think "well maybe I'll just be a lesbian... maybe that's just want life hasn't shown me yet..." but then I watch a movie like this (and can I just add how GREAT of a cast it is?? JESUS) and I see this guy who has opinions and has actual feelings *not just about making the woman happy, might I add, but about the relationship in general* and fuck, I'm going to end up alone.

The moment in the movie where Milly is frustrated and then Johnny says to stop apologizing and then draws a heart on her hand (GAHHHH) and she talks about how he can calm her down.. Then he says how she talks in circles yet makes absolute perfect sense? I'm so jealous because I can't even begin to tell you how much that somewhat sounds like me. If you've read my blog before, I typically write stream of consciousness and in circles, typically forgetting what I'm talking about halfway through but I have yet to meet anyone that can follow/keep up with me.

Mom always said it's okay, don't worry that person will come to you and it'll be great and everything will be exactly the way you want it to be.
Well I'm starting to get tired of looking. I mean I'm about 21 and have yet to have a truly solid relationship. So many of my friends are getting married or are having babies, I feel like I should be in that frame of mind, even if Mom had me when she was 29. I don't know.... I would love to feel adored. I would love TO adore someone. I always feel that congested feeling when I'm with someone though. I always suddenly feel like I have another bag to carry that's weighing me down. Maybe that's what I'm scared of in the end though. Maybe I'm scared that I'm just going to hate married life and having kids because I can't be wild and free. I don't know. I would love someone to share things with though. It was enough having Mom and I because in a way we were like sisters. We only had each other, but now that I'm alone and fending for myself with my emotions and thoughts and have very few people I can hurdle them at without horrific repercussions, I'm kinda sad.

This moment I'm not really though. I'm actually for the first time in a long time not wishing for something else. Not wanting something a bit more. I don't feel the need for anything right now... I'm perfectly content in everything and I realize that I'm so incredibly lucky for everything I've got. I've got Becka and her fantastic flat here in Southport which is directly in the middle of anywhere and everywhere I've wanted to go basically. Not to mention that she and I get along famously and I've got a relatively painless trip to Dublin planned that I'm pretty ecstatic to go on. Even if I'm by myself, I'm sure I'll be fine. I make friends pretty easily.

I'm ready to begin the next step of this adventure... And no, I'm not talking about Dublin..
I guess let's see what's out there for me :)

Darkness meets Sunlight.

It's been a while since my last post...
I find myself sitting in Erin's flat here in London, waiting for her to wake up...

Let's recap the recent past shall we?

Flew and met my group in London over a month ago.. (wow it's been a month already??)
Travelled to Bath, York, Stratford, Paris and back to London.
Spoke to my aunt and was told that Mom's medical bills have been settled with no debt remaining and money still somewhat in our pockets.
Saw Erin and Big Ben and realized that friendships are built for hardships, so that we can survive them together.
Saw Queen Elizabeth II and the royal family in the Diamond Jubilee.
The scholarship I was awarded is finally officially getting processed.
Financial Aid has awarded me over $10,000 in grants so I might go to school, debt free this year.
Decided to travel alone to Liverpool and Dublin...

I must say, it's been interesting. The school trip was ...stressful and full of unwarranted issues and emotions but honest to god, I wouldn't trade that entire experience for anything.

Not to mention, right now I find myself on the day before Mom's 50th birthday. She's going to be scattered over the Thames river here in London, with my best friend at my side.

This has been an intense year I must say....
I recapped with Erin and all the emotions welled up. I've traveled near and far to try and escape what I had been denying to myself; that the person I cared for the most died and left me here.

Before I could kill someone while being locked up at school in Boone, I promised Allison we'd go to New York for New Years. Then I promised my aunt in CA that I'd visit her for spring break. Then I made sure Allison got the senior summer trip she needed and went to Oak Island for the weekend. Then I promised Mom that I'd go to Europe for her and for me.

Maren loved London and had promised me so many times she'd bring me one day and we'd share a few drinks and tour the cities... She always spoke fondly of Bath and London and Dublin, so I took it upon myself and decided that I needed to go.

And well here I am, gearing up for the next half of my adventure. Prepping myself for Dublin and Liverpool and Amsterdam and in 3 weeks or about 20 days I'll be back in the States getting ready to celebrate my 21st birthday.

And next year's checklist is getting there too:

Find an apartment I'm happy with- Check.
Sign up for classes that I'm alright with- Check.
Finish my art portfolio- Check.
Finalize financial aid- CHECK!

Things always get brighter when the darkness seems to overcome.
Maybe my time to shine is coming closer... Just you wait and see :)

Deep Breath.

Some nights...

"Some nights" by FUN is completely appropriate for my feelings right now.

Totally and completely overwhelmed. (That's an understatement)

STILL getting everything done, slowly but surely.

I'm not perfect and neither have I found that person who can accept that. I always wonder because when I see someone's profile on Facebook and notice that each person in our mutual friends or in their friends list that pops up, every single one of them has someone that loves them.

But Some nights... my heart breaks. Some nights I praise my life. Some terrible things have happened but some amazing things have too.

I have to focus on the good.
I have to get my shit done and prove everyone else wrong in the end.


Thank god for Pandora sometimes. Because now "Send me on my Way" by Rusted Root just came on. See? Either the gods or my mom are looking down on me, shaking their heads and saying  
"no worries, you've got this". 

After contemplating all this, and feeling sad for myself because I'm not in a relationship and have so much to do and generally just feeling low- I'm not alone, and it only took me this long to realize it. Thanks Ma, I appreciate the boost. 

I got this. 

untitled.

I don't want a niche. I want my own place to breathe. I could give a shit about clubs and events you want me to go to.

Ever since Mom died, I've developed a "I could give 2 goddamn shits about you" attitude. Some call it bad manners, some call it dangerous, my therapist called it a way to cope, but I call it self-preservation.

Stop trying to pull me into your little world, there's so much more out there than the drama and bullshit you want me to buy into. There's a world outside of what you call important right now. Nothing's THAT important. All that matters is staying sane and protecting yourself.
That's what I have to do all the time.
I walk across what I consider a safe campus with my back always watched. "Don't walk by yourself, it's dangerous..." Pfft, I can take care of myself. I challenge anyone, myself even to prove this.
Go ahead, fuck with me. I'll fuck you up, if I have to. But I won't have to.

I've grown a sort of icy exterior that looks angry, sounds angry and in all honesty, is kind of angry.

I'm not self mutilating in anyway, I'm just sick and fucking tired of giving a shit about all the bullshit that doesn't actually matter. Getting angry at clubs for not giving a fuck? Getting yelled at for trying to exist outside of a bullshit system that I'll be stuck in for another 3 years? Yeah. Fuck you and get the fuck out.

Nice Emily went out the window in August.
This one's here to stay.

She like old angry punk music and dubstep.
She walks with a goddamn purpose.
If her old self could see her now, she'd call her a badass.
She's internally hurt others and herself too many times to count.
Her best friend and only person who's given two shits about her was taken away from her.
They fought and bitched and screamed and had a GREAT FUCKING TIME. Sometimes each other wished each other dead. But that didn't stop them from loving the shit out of each other.
Yeah, this one right here, she's mad. And she's ready to take on the entire fucking world, so come at me bro.

I've got caffeine in my system and a fight in my stomach. My fists are already clenched and my teeth are grinding together. I'll snap, but not in front of you- who the fuck do you think you are to think that you deserve even That courtesy? Fuck you.

There's not much I believe in, but what I believe in is strong. That's myself. I believe that one of these days, you'll all hear my name and wish that you'd fucking given me the time of day. Nope, not silly little Emily. She's not serious enough for me. She loves people and hugs them too much. You know what? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AND EVER HUG I'VE EVER GIVEN. You didn't deserve the affection I expressed with that hug.

HAH. I'm too immature. YOU deal with no parents. No past to be remembered. And a future that you have to look out for your own goddamn self. Have fun getting care packages from your parents. Have fun dealing with your drug problems, your future alcohol abuse, lack of motivation and potential or rather likely depression from having two loving parents you only care about you and your best interests. Have fun with that.

Get the fuck away from me and watch how I excel past you because I have to make my own decisions. And figure out how my life is going to pan out with just about no one's help.
Go ahead and FUCKING WATCH ME.

You want a pep talk? Not feeling good enough because you feel your parents and your aunts and uncles and grandparents don't love you enough? MAYBE THEY HAVE GOOD REASON.

Fuck you, fuck off and get the fuck out.


I'm done with dealing with shitheads. Broaden your goddamn perspectives, open your fucking eyes and do something that isn't in your GODDAMN COMFORT ZONE. MAYBE, YOU COULD ACTUALLY ACHIEVE SOMETHING USEFUL. There ya go, you shithead, now you've made something that maybe even YOU could be proud of.



Get the fuck out of my face.

When it rains, I just stroll...

This school year.
GAH.

This year has been stupid and crazy and unnecessary to be completely honest. I would love to rewind, go back to the beginning of the summer and redo just about everything.

But no, you can't do that unless you're.. Doctor Who, I mean, yes David Tennant is great but still, no can do senorita.

I guess it hasn't been HORRIBLE in retrospect. There's been some things that make me want to hide away and cry forever... But I just have to let myself hear my mom in my head saying "Anything and everything makes you stronger in the end". She's entirely too right sometimes.
I miss her like crazy, ya know.

*thoughtful thinking break*



You know what's funny? The people who have it all together, right now, they're experiencing what my whole life has been. Spread-too-thin, cluttered, busy, tiring, and just overall- restless.
For the first time, I'm not doing that to myself.
I still remember back in 6th grade: grandmas in the morning, bus to school, garden club, after school Tae Kwon Do practice, then off to swim team, home for dinner and homework until I remember there's a science fair next week with a project I need to work on.
I have always been busy, my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but in the end- you get so tired. And tired of being so tired. You're brain doesn't stop and you start to notice just how alone you've made yourself even when you try to do everything to get friends or to be a part of something but then you end up once again by yourself... I feel like that at the end of the days here sometimes. I'm surrounded by people but there's just so much to do, I can't stay in one place. And I doubt this is making sense, but who knows.

I push people away because it's hard for me to differentiate between everything going on in my head. I'm an absolute fucking oxymoron. I want someone but can't focus on just that or combine it with all of the things I'm doing. Ohmahgod.


Well shit.

Grey, gray, grai, ghraie...

Days like this remind me of being back in California. It's so lightly misting and the sky is a melancholy shade of gray. Most people say "let's stay in- snuggle- sleep..."
I say, let's go for a walk.
It's beautiful out.
It's not even raining. But it's cool enough to not let you hate walking around.
It's perfect...

You can smell the leafs and the smell of exhaust and car motors sinks into the ground. The mist of sleepiness floats in the air above us. The sun doesn't even peak through because it knows that you don't even need it today, unlike some days...
That one song comes on your iPod that just seems to fit that exact moment.
Most days when the tired pads of your feet hit the pavement, you have to convince yourself to keep going. There will be salvation soon, is what you tell them.

Today, the ache is gone. They go because they want to.