"Girls In Trucks"

It's 5:14 because I needed to finish my book. It's called "Girls in Trucks" by Katie Crouch and my dad had given it to me absentmindedly for my birthday about 5 years ago.

I started reading it about a week ago. 5 years later.

It's been sitting in books that I've been interested in reading but just haven't due to laziness, a momentary lapse in my love of reading (most likely stemmed from the fact that I read really slow and for some reason I've become way too impatient), but also I just haven't had the will to pick it up. I mean my DAD gave it to me. Most likely he saw it at a big-name-box store, let's call it FOX BOOKS (and I applaud anyone who gets the reference!!) and the book was just hangin' on the sale table, he picked it up with a vague thought of "Hmm... my daughter has a uniqueness about her and slightly rebellious side to her... Looks like this might be up her kind of feminist alley!" and then strolled to the register and bought it.

See what's funny is that right now instead of pouring my thoughts into my blog like a Penseive, I want so badly to start reading that book again; just to grab any little things I might've forgotten or glazed over.
Now I won't recap the story for you, but I'm only going to mention a few things. I unfortunately feel so incredibly tied to this story. The main character Sarah, is unlucky in life and the book gets so dismal after a bit, that I just want to stop and cry and maybe throw up from the ordeals she's put herself through. But she's obsessive of a past love and unhappy about what she finds and judgemental of something that could be perfect for her. She chases something from too long ago that she knew she could have but now that she wants it, she can't have it. She realizes that she's unlucky... And at 31 realizes that she had been since 14.
She has a group of friends, she slightly envies all of them in a way. Charlotte, the recovering heroin addict who's become rich and famous. Annie, who is living the life she wanted but couldn't have until the end. And then Bitsy, the one who got Everything she wanted, never needed to try for it until she was rewarded with her end, and failed her battle with cancer. (I don't care that I ruined it for you, you'll still need to read this book).
She also shows you her neurotic sister who's as Enviromentally-friendly as an earthworm, but about as loving as a sloth.
Not to mention, a good portion of the story takes place in Charleston.
A few other things to mention, she never ends up married, she has a little girl whom she names Jessie, her father passed away and she's part of the Cameillas, a very traditional Southern debutante society.

Anyway, the reason I'm talking about all this is the fact of how much I was reminded of my family in this past session of me reading.
A moment that made me cry and make me tear up right now is when Sarah left Jessie (her 4 year old) with her mom, while they're home in Charleston for her father's funeral. Sarah left and drove her father's truck around, eventually coming back with food that Jessie really likes (hushpuppies!) and the image of her up on the porch with 'Gramma', and she claps her hands and squeals and exclaims Ooohs! of joy while Gramma fills in with just as much enthusiasm just for Jessie.
For some reason that just makes me picture my Grandma... And as I cry about it right now, it makes me wish I had her with me now so I can hug her tight. I miss those days terribly.
The other moment in the book that made me cry (almost uncontrollably) is when Sarah's talking to an old friend from a long time ago about Jessie and her father etc. Sarah narrates "We chat about life...Me: Northern college, delusions of grandeur, pointless magazine work, bad relationships, constant questioning, one fabulous daughter."
When I read the last part of that line, I sobbed. I'll be honest with you. It came out of nowhere but I got flashes of my mom and whenever she talks about life. She almost always refers to me in that manner, and now I think is the moment when I've appreciated that. I love her more than life itself, even if she doesn't think that sometimes. But what came flooding back to me was all of the hardships we've gone through, emotional and physical. It's just.. well I guess that sentence of Katie Crouch's sums it up. I love my mom and I miss her everyday, and I never want to be apart from her.
God, I'm blubbering.
Not to mention this book being tied into the South, and with Mom and I moving here and acclimating to the culture and the social cues and the rules.
And somehow, after my stupid (almost)-post-adolescent journey to find myself and discover who I am is over, somehow things won't be as bad as they seem and things will just work out. At least I have to believe that in order to not drive myself crazy.
Hmm. I think that this might be a pretty decent step into 'adulthood' if you can even call it that.

Well thanks 20 years- let's start this year off with a bang.

Hide this Face, Hide those Feelings.

I think the emotions from the last few weeks have caught up to me...
I've been running around being as crazy as possible and enjoying (just about) every second of it.
But right now, emotionally I think I might have hit a wall. I told myself that I would focus on myself and my emotions for a minute and take stock of everything that has happened.
The only thing is that I've fallen into sort of a trance, a lull.. I mean I feel like depression sort of feels like this too.
I've managed to raise myself out of it a little so that I'm not just being a bitch to everyone. I was reading HP7 (trying to finish it before the movie in 2 weeks) and then it started to rain a little. But the sun was shining as it is now. I stopped reading, put my book inside momentarily and sat back outside amongst the raindrops. I looked up at the sun and the clouds full of rain and they were beautiful. I then decided to think over everything that I was thankful for, in the long run or just at that moment in particular.
My list was pretty extensive and once I realized this, I felt a little better. The rain started to come down a little more frequent now and every time a drop would hit my foot, I thought of a person I knew whether or not we had a friendship, a love, a shared connection, an argument, a passing look..whatever.
It's impressive how far of a slump I had gotten myself into.
I thought of a friend who this had happened to also. At least I call him a friend, I'm not sure whether he considers me one of those but honestly I don't care anymore. He should know that I care about him no matter how much he tries to convince himself that he isn't worth it. Yeah I might just be "a cool chick" to him but seriously, I doubt he knows what I would do for him. My guess is that he could care less... Which to me is sad when he claims that he has hardly any friends that he can say that about.
Even now, that I think about him, I can imagine saying "Oh no, I know I have that sort of friends..." but then once he's upset about one of them being an ass to him, he seems to feel like none of his friends fully care for him. That just makes me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and yell "Do you not see who's right in front of you!?"
That's the thing with me. I don't take friends lightly. I would do anything that was within my ability for them.

It's just sad that people have been warped and jaded by so many that they can't see when the real thing is in front of them.

And right now, I'm trying to place some form of trust or friendship or something in that one and he brushes me off like a falling dried up leaf, cascading in the autumn wind.
I'm tempted just to walk like I always do, but I'm tired of walking away. I'm tired of feeling so alone after placing trust in someone but they don't quite feel that same sort of trust, and then they leave.
I'm tired of this feeling.
I'm only looking for someone I can believe in, someone I can hug or (even dare I say kiss) and feel that connection between us flow back to me effortlessly. I can't say I've ever felt that before, without either of us getting in the way.
People apparently take this sort of connection further than I intend though. I'm looking for it in friendship. I'm not looking for a dating relationship because I'm too messed up and not cut out for that right now.
But I'm looking for a relationship of- ...a close kind. Someone who would be there, up for anything, and ready to be ..themselves.

But I'm guessing that's too intense for a lot of people. It's unfortunate, but I guess this girl here will just have to keep searching...

Bravo Ms Rowling...

Frankie had never seen the newest Harry Potter (Deathly Hallows Part 1) so we rented it, bought some strawberries and chips and set out for a good night.

People typically know it's a good night when you say you're watching Harry Potter, let alone reading it. Because?

...well it's Harry Potter.

Good god, I love it so much. I know it's only a story and it's very close to it's end. But growing up with Harry Potter and Ron and Hermione, it helped me get through elementary, middle and high school. But once the books had been introduced back when I was 9, I wasn't interested. I did Not want to read them. After the first movie came out and I was almost 11 years old and 9/11 happened, I picked them up. '

First I read them...

Then I devoured them.

I soaked up as much as I possibly could about that world. Anything to get me out of the world I was in at that moment. I was able to escape and go on adventures with 3 of my favorite people, including one who looked kinda like me... That being Hermione or as I called her originally Herr-mee-own. I was able to fly through the years of not having many real friends and into the world where I knew I was safe. It's sad to say it but I became slightly obsessed with that world of magic. Every Christmas and birthday it became a tradition to get little Hermione figures and dolls and other books about the world, a castle model and her wand and the midnight premieres began and I made the costume (with Mom's help of course) out of an old graduation robe, a Gryffindor scarf my mom made for me especially and in the original style of the first movie, along with patent leather shoes and a broom. The morning the books would come out, it would be in my hand. No matter the circumstance. I was Hermione for Halloween, five years in a row. At one point, I carried a dictionary with me in my trick or treat bag, because I wanted to be as much like her as possible.

I grew up with them, they always seemed to be about my age and I was never mad that I didn't get a letter, I was perfectly content with my friends at Hogwarts.

People might say that I'm delusional but no, they will always be my friends and I truly love them.

I made a time-turner for the last midnight premiere.... in a night. Out of nothing.

Anyway, the reason for this explanation is because the final movie is coming out. And I have to miss the midnight premiere of it because of me working at camp. It just happened that way. When I talk about it around anyone else, I begin to tear up because it's the end of a huge part of my life and I don't get to celebrate it with everyone else I know who's grown up with it. I plan on rushing over to the movie theatre as soon as I'm allowed to leave camp but still. I want to cry.... I feel like a sissy but people don't typically understand the absolute love I have for this world. I've wanted and wished and hoped so hard to become a part of this world and I know how silly that sounds but that's how much I've grown attached to this world and way of life.

(EDIT- I quit the Hell Camp and now I'm actually able to go!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME!)

In Part 1, I said how at the end of the movie when Dobby dies... in Harry's arms... surrounded by the hero who released him, the girl who supported him and the boy who trusted him, I cry.

I cry every time.

I cry hard and I cry for a while. Every. Time.

Do you want to know why?

Because every time I watch or read that, I feel as though someone from my family has died. A friend so dear has passed on. And I can't take it. Yes, he's a mythical creature, yes he's not even human, yes he's only part of a story. I Understand. YOU DON'T.

The connection between me and the world of Harry Potter is one of magic.

But I guess this is my send-off for the land I love so much. You aren't dying, Never will you die. But rather laid to rest, finally completing and giving us closure...

Harry: thank you for being the awkward boy leader that no one really asked for, but stepped up when it mattered and kept everyone safe. You reminded me to take chances and not to think solely of myself and that trust in friends can only make you stronger.

Ron: I've always considered you like an older brother figure, and just want to thank you for reminding me of my sense of humor especially when it mattered in most of the dark times I went through. I wouldn't have made it without your silliness along the way.

Hermione: I have envied you from the beginning. You inspired me to be smarter about what I did and to look at things in a logical sense rather than acting solely on my emotions. I wanted so badly to follow in your footsteps and be just like you, even if it was just the fact that we had the same hair growing up. I'm just glad I had someone to relate to within this story so that I didn't feel as alone as I already did. You were my friend when I needed one and you always made things better. Thank you for being my friend..

(and just so that you realize, I'm talking about the book characters not necessarily the movie characters/actors even if they did put blood and life into the story)

I'm honestly just glad to have gotten the chance to live with them and grow with them and feel like I belonged somewhere.

So Ms Rowling, thank you. Thank you for dreaming all of this up and letting the world in on it.

Love,

Emily- a faithful reader/watcher/believer/witch

"But I will hold on hope..."

This is my ocean.
This is the world around me now.

I used to be able to go and sit in front of the ocean and stare and wonder at its vastness and capability to do almost anything.
But I can't.
I found myself yearning for that big expanse of never-ending ocean. But today, my entire outlook has changed.

I had something happen to me, up there on top of that mountain.
It was a religious experience for me. Something that even I couldn't explain.
All I know is that while sitting there, gazing out across the hundreds of miles of mountains, I began to cry... I have fallen in love with the scenery here and the trees and the creatures and the mountains and lakes and rivers. It's amazing because I always considered myself an ocean girl, and maybe I still am. But just looking out across, nothing in my way, it was beautiful.

I've found myself letting go and being humbled by the mountains- by the shear size and majesty of them. I had begun to ache for the ebb and flow of the ocean, as I used to hear it even just outside my window. But sitting on the side of that mountain, with just the sun on my back, wind in my face and the grass tickling my feet- I can't even describe to you.


At the moment the rain is falling and making beautiful pattering sounds by my window.
I'm where I am supposed to be. And this is the first time I've felt that I completely and totally belong here. It's a magical feeling honestly...
Oh and thank god for Mumford and Sons. Perfect moment, Perfect feelings.

It only takes a gray day (or two) to make you realize

Holy Horoscopes Batman!
Ugh.. Fucking Horoscopes.
I look at them once maybe a year and well, they tend to randomly be spot on.
Goddamnit Universe I get it! I understand that it's a full moon, and that's why everything was being peculiar, but at least I can let my mind rest.

Today, I felt like shit. I'm not really sure as to why but I think it might be made worse by the fact that it's like 50 degrees in the house and gross outside.

So I guess not a lot is going on in my life right now... Waiting til camp starts, wanting Jordan to come back to Boone, enjoying having some time off and working periodically, loving being in an apartment that's in the middle of everything, missing my mom and family too, kind of sad not to have my own room but hey, so far that's the only thing.

AND my birthday is coming soon... I've got a month and 8 days until I turn 20 and I've officially been alive for 2 decades. It's weird to me, it's like my own personal goal. Turning 21 has sort of lost the spark for me, this year though has been ridiculous.
-Helped SM a mainstage
-Got into Alpha Psi Omega
-Gained a boyfriend/lost a boyfriend (and realized how much of a mistake that was)
-Discovered a past someone again :)
-Met a hell of a lot of new people and got to know them Better
-Met me a fantastic coupla roommates
-Discovered more of myself and made the right decision to branch out
-Fell in love with that past someone :)
-Got an apartment for the first time and am living on my own
-Will be a camp couselor!
-Cooked without Panicking (That's for you Mom!) :D
And so many things....

2010-11 has been a bumpy ride but it's turned out in the end to not have been so bad :)

Hello 4AM...

Fittingly enough it's 4:20.
I'm living on "Hippy Hill" at the moment and have done mary-jane more in this last two weeks than I have in a year... And I'm having the time of my life.

It's been a little while so let me recap:
School's out, exams are over. Allison and I found an freaking AWESOME kind-of shitty apartment on a place called "Hippy Hill" and we've officially hit summer running.

Jordan and I have been apart since before exams started and it's killing me on the inside not being with him. It's hard but I'm powering through.

I passed all my exams and made it through all of my classes with solid B's and I've already planned on being WAY better next semester, for the love of god.

I've been working and dealing with living on my own. And boy, damn it feels good. I may be just sort of scraping by but Holy shit, I'm learning a lot.

I've been tempted. I've looked where I shouldn't have looked. I try to excuse my actions and what happens is that my brain tells me no. And I realize that that is Really cryptic but that's all I'm saying here.

I'm struggling with myself but this is all in the process. My heart is beating fast and it tries to decide my actions but I'm teaching myself. I have to. I've got me and that's it.

I'm realizing how good it is to have friends. I'm trying to trust more and allow my heart to be opened more frequently but it's proving very difficult for me, on a personal level.


So ...and I've been struck speechless. So much is buzzing in my head that I don't want to say that I almost feel like I must say. But I won't because I am not doing that to myself. I already know that that isn't how my heart feels, it's just what it thinks it wants.
I can already tell that watching 3 hours of Merlin has changed my speech pattern ..a little.
I suppose that's what it will do to you. :)


ANYWAY:
so the apartment- it's awesome, it's quaint, it's precious.... I don't know. I love it. I also love that there is almost always a party going on upstairs. Ryan, one of the boys who lives upstairs, is absolutely fantastic. Putting aside that he does some illegitimate things, he has great hair, an amazing attitude, can ballroom dance, does art and is basically just awesome- I'm going to miss the crap outta him once the school year starts up. BUT I reckon that I'll be over there a lot. I guarantee it.

So Jordan messaged me today... Apparently he and his family got into a car accident just recently and his dad is in the hospital. He's fine and so is his mom but his dad had his hand caught underneath the car and will hopefully be alright soon.

Id prayed everyday that he is okay and in good health and spirits, but this is the 2nd time in a short period of time that he has been in a car accident. I want him with me. I want so badly just to be with him. I want to be there for him and I'm so incredibly tired of being 200 so-odd miles away from him.
I don't want to break it off because my guess, once I'm at summer camp, it'll basically be put into stasis and will start back up once I'm back for good.

But I want it to be now... The next month or so is going to be a long one.


And for now, my insomniacs... To bed I said.

Sunshine makes you Grow

It was amazing out today.
ABSOLUTELY.

What's interesting is that I learned a lot about myself today with the help of my friend. She told me how the world honestly looks at me and that good god, I need to stop some of my tendencies.
And yes, sometimes I have screwed up but That isn't the end of the world. It isn't my job to be perfect all the time. Not that I am in the slightest, but at least I can stop trying so hard.
This may be a turning point. I don't even know...
Or I could just make it a turning point and not give a shit as to what other people think. I'm tired of not just knowing the truth.

I'm ready to focus on real relationships, try to make them better and hold them close. Because the ones that just sit there, with no connection at all, while you nurse it and try to force it into existence because you feel that that connection is something that's almost required.... It's not healthy.
If you have to force a friendship, give it up. You shouldn't have to compromise happiness because you feel something is necessary. Just focus on those who matter to you. And that you know you matter to them. Otherwise, life's only going to be a shit-ton of disappointments and feelings getting hurt.

I think my whole "I'm GOING to be HAPPY NOW" system is ending, and the "Honestly, I understand and care, but.." attitude will reign.
And it's not that I'm not ALL OVER HAPPY, I just think that Emily needs a little self-reevaluation.

I think I'm going to be happy for me, because I need to. And if anyone wants a boost from me, I'm happy to give it. And I'm happy to share. Always.


The friends that I do have that I'm close to and that I know I can trust and that they can trust me, I cherish. I'd do ANYTHING for them. Anything.
And those kinds of friends, in the end will make you stronger.
So thank god for that and them.
My smiles are dedicated to those precious few. :)