Where you lead, I will follow- anywhere... that you need me to..

So I'm assuming that most of whoever's reading this has already heard.
Maren Louise Candelario passed away on August 16th.

That amazing woman, Mom, sister and friend has left us to be somewhere where she has no pain, no troubles, no problems.
I lost my best friend that day.
My grandma and grandpa lost her daughter.
My aunts Lise and Berit lost their sister.
Many of you lost your friend.

My heart has broken and it hurts so badly, somedays I have no idea what to even do with myself.

I think of her everyday and it hurts. I may smile and distract myself, but almost every little thing reminds me of her. And why should it not? She and I were Rory and Lorelai. We were sympatico.

I was standing in the book line after having waited for my book list and looked at what I was getting and then in my head thought "ugh 3 anthologies? JESUS." then grabbed my phone to call my mom...
Then realized that I couldn't and my heart broke again. I didn't have my phone buddy to call when I thought of little things like that.
I sulked in the book line til I got my stuff, went to try and bought an ethernet cord which then as I was leaving about in tears, I set off the alarms going out of the bookstore in FRONT of the cop.
GOOD GOD NOT RIGHT NOW.
He checked ALL of my stuff and then after a good 6 or 7 minutes sent me on my way.
I sped right over to the counseling center.
I already knew that I couldn't do this on my own and I needed someone who wasn't grieving to help me.
As I was spelling out my last name to the receptionist, I couldn't hold it back any longer and she set a box of kleenex in front of me and proceeded to make sure that I was hustled through the line of people. After awhile I was with a very nice therapist, who heard my story and promised to help me through this. It was nice having someone, a 3rd party as it were, make sure that we could figure out how I could get through this.
And I've figured out a way for myself- I'm writing letters to Mom. Even though I won't have her silly sarcastic comments or her sharp wit anymore, I think it'll help me.

I will get through this. She raised me to be that way... and I will not let her down.
because as my mom said, "Oh honey, Life Goes On."

Just an update....

So it's been a ridiculous week.

Mom had her chemotherapy port put in on Monday Aug 1st.
Then she officially started chemo on Wednesday, making her feel like shit and nauseous with no appetite in sight.
Friday, they took out the chemo therapy machine that she had taken home on Wednesday.
Saturday, I walked into Mom's room, took a look at her and realized but couldn't believe it; my mother had a stroke while she had been sleeping.
Lise and I rushed her to the ER because her face was drooping worse and she lost almost all control in her left hand and leg. Then after a couple of tests, we sat there. And waited...
And waited...
And waited......
Hospitals, I've decided are ridiculous. I'm not a fan, never BEEN a fan. But after the wait, they told us that she had had a series of mini strokes and that they were going to keep her overnight and at least a few days for more tests.
And well it's been 2 days and I've been watching Mom pull through all of these trials. She's incredible, really. She's got pancreatic cancer AND Leukemia, she's officially quit smoking/drinking, AND she just had a stroke and is showing SO much improvement already from it, AFTER TWO DAYS. But on a even more positive note, she hasn't had any pain in the last few days (Thank GOD) and no stomach pains, no nauseousness (well she hasn't taken her Leukemia meds lately so that's proabably why) and overall besides being a bit mad that she can't use her left hand RIGHT NOW, she's in good spirits.
Honestly if anyone could beat all of this, she can.

This, though, has done a number on my family, but as they always do, they've all risen beautifully to the occaision. Lise and Grandma are both absolute godsends. And several of my mom's friends (including Lisa Grotte and Diane for everything they've done and all of the support, the neighbors around the culdesac surprised Mom with a beautiful yard all taken care of and have started a rotation on our yard so mom doesn't need to worry about it, and so much more.) My Aunt Berit is actually on her way now from CA, Lise just brought me up to Boone because I needed to go back to work (no matter how much I seriously didn't want to, I'm doing this for Mom) and I know she's in fantastically amazing hands with my grandma embroidering penguins for something Christmas-related(?) at her bedside, Lise hovering and staring at her while she sleeps and then Mom waking up to see Lise like that and say "Damn it Lise, you need to do that? haha" and for Lise to reply "Um, YEAH MAR-NEN. WHY? IS IT MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE??? HMMM??" with a giant smile on her face. Then Grandma interrupts with an ancedote from when Mom was a little girl saying something along the lines of "well Maren, at one point, I do remember you staring at Lise when she was a baby and looking at us and asking when we need to take it back to where it came from, because you thought Lise was a funny looking alien or something and didn't like it one bit..."
Cue the goofy and loud Danielson laughter and Lise cutting in with another story, maybe about Berit trying to cut off Mom's hair when they were teenagers. A solitary beep from a machine that Mom's hooked up to brings us all back to the situation, but only for a moment.

That's the beauty of my family really. We look for the good, the positivity, the anecdotes that make us laugh and solely we just have to keep our heads above water right now. I honestly cannot imagine what Mom must be going through right now. But she knows that she has so much support and love and prayers and good thoughts and good juju and direct lines to the Big Guy upstairs. Lise kept saying "You know Maren, you send out allllll of this good energy and love and look it here, you've gotten so much back already."

Maren Louise truely is an amazing woman. And I live for her.

So that's the update, if you feel the need for more details you can either call Lise or myself. And I just wanted those who love her like I do, to know that she's okay.


Thank you everyone for everything. It means a lot. <3

Mom and I? We're stubborn... Til we decide it's worth it.

So I've decided that when I get back to school things are changing.

First of all, I've decided that now is the time to lose weight.
I've figured that I need to get myself to a healthy weight and I've let myself get too big as it is. My knees aren't doing well and also, my back is almost always killing me.

So right now, I'm at (sadly) 225.
The normal weight for someone my height and frame size is 147-150.
So I have about 80 pounds to lose. And I think I can do it.
Personally, I need to be healthier considering my mom along with my aunt and grandma (they both have Type 2 Diabetes). But I'm now in the mind set that I seriously think I'll be able to do this. I'm going to be cooking a lot for myself so that I know what exactly is going into my food and also I'm going to be exercising more. Possibly running in the mornings at the SRC and swimming if I get a break during the day. I just know that I have to do this.
I think my that my ..third-way..point is going to be the 5K in October that I want to do with Kim for Cancer Awareness which is roughly...(pulls out calculator)... 26lbs... Well damn. NO- I CAN DO IT. I'm throwing myself into this. I need to do this. I have 2 and a half months til I may or may not be going to the beach. I CAN DO THIS- by the end of October. That's my goal for now.

So another thing that's changing- I'm going to be as positive and happy as I can be, in every aspect of my life. And now that I've realized a relationship is sort of arbitrary at this point in time, so I'm honestly not even going to let it cross my mind. I need to focus on classes and work and Mom.


I might take up the ukelele.
I have one.. somewhere.
But for some reason music is the only thing that really makes sense in my head anymore.
So as I continue to FINALLY teach myself the guitar, I will learn the ukelele and perhaps teach myself how to drive.

There. New goals- new life perspective- I can do this.

Well shit.

I've had this terrible feeling like my head is going to explode yet slowly but surely it's starting to de-swell...

So it's been a rough couple of days for my family and I.
Let's start off with the fact that my mom- the woman who I talk about frequently on here, told me just on this past Friday, that she's been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer.

This is probably the biggest thing to ever hit my family, ever.
My mom had told me while I was up in Boone, where I've been living for the summer. She came up with my aunt, my grandma and a close family friend Mary-Lou. They wanted to be there for Mom. And so she told me, as I proceeded to break down into choked sobs and get chills even though my apartment was at 87 degrees inside.
I seriously still can't really believe it. At times, I don't want to. I think of all the stories of "so-and-so passed away during their battle with cancer". I'm terrified.
Mainly because my mom said that she would rather I stayed at school and worked on graduating than stayed at home to take care of her. In my mind, I see her at home in pain by herself and that alone makes me want to cry. She assures me that with my aunt 12 houses away, my grandma in town, and all of our neighbors in and around the culda-sac, that she's going to be fine.
When I think about that and honestly just how strong she is, I completely forget that she has cancer... But then something like her having chemo tomorrow hits me and it all comes flooding back.
I try and be a positive person around Mom, I have to be. Because I've seen it in her face how this is hitting her and it makes me sad.
Then something like the fact that there's a study abroad trip through my department in the upcoming spring, hits me and I worry again. Because okay, what if something- god willing something happens, and I'm not there? What if I'm overseas and the worse case scenario happens? I can't stop thinking about that. For some reason, I'm just absolutely terrified that I won't be there. I guess college has done that to me. College makes me feel almost completely detached from my family here in Mo-ville.

I know that later on a lot of these worries will dissipate, but I guess since this is so new and we've been telling everyone what the deal is, it's just hard.
It's hard to accept and it's hard to live with. When in your head, you just think "oh she's just a little sick but she'll get better" but you forget that it's cancer.
But no. She WILL get better. She will get Better. She will get better. She has to. There is way too much that she and I have left to do, and she cannot leave me in this world alone.


But for now I'm left to my own devices- thinking up tattoo ideas inspired by mom, waiting for a job, worrying about my mom and her chemo treatments, being busy enough to cover everything financially, figuring that god loves me because I seem to be the only person that didn't get fucked over by financial aid, figuring that I need to lose X amount of weight so that I can love myself again, wishing that I had a man-type figure to lean on and to hug and to kiss and Good god I miss kissing, waiting for that 'Welcome to Pottermore!' email to come, contemplating what to do around the house and when exactly I should do laundry (probably this morning), hating my phone for it's faulty wiring and no idea how I'm supposed to fix it exactly, trying to help a friend with a very strange breakup (yes it's 4:06am), feeling guilty about a show I dropped so that I could come home to be with Mom because now that particular show has been cancelled, gasping about how great "The Glee Project" seems to be (I LOVE SAM AND HIS DREADLOCKS) and he makes me want to kiss him all the time and never stop, and finally regretting ever continuously liking a particular boy because he only seems to like the girls that aren't good for him. Yeah, that's my brain right now.

Frustrations.

You know it's amazing how fast I can sink my spirits and get myself into a bad mood.

I hate people and I always forget that until I start seeing how much I'm walked on.

I'm so tired of the bullshit.

Having nothing to do and feeling uncomfortable in my own place is unbearable.

Trying to make up my mind about who my real friends are makes my head want to explode.

Why do I do this to myself?

Where has all my humanity and free-spirited-ness gone?

WHY DO I HATE PEOPLE?? WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE A FRIEND AND NOT NEED A REASON TO HATE THEM?

I want this vicious circle to end.

Why can't the past come back in a good manner to me and not in hatefulness?

I'm exhausted. I just want to sleep and be among good company. I'm sick of forcing myself to be friends with people.

I want only happiness in my life but I have yet to find it.

"Girls In Trucks"

It's 5:14 because I needed to finish my book. It's called "Girls in Trucks" by Katie Crouch and my dad had given it to me absentmindedly for my birthday about 5 years ago.

I started reading it about a week ago. 5 years later.

It's been sitting in books that I've been interested in reading but just haven't due to laziness, a momentary lapse in my love of reading (most likely stemmed from the fact that I read really slow and for some reason I've become way too impatient), but also I just haven't had the will to pick it up. I mean my DAD gave it to me. Most likely he saw it at a big-name-box store, let's call it FOX BOOKS (and I applaud anyone who gets the reference!!) and the book was just hangin' on the sale table, he picked it up with a vague thought of "Hmm... my daughter has a uniqueness about her and slightly rebellious side to her... Looks like this might be up her kind of feminist alley!" and then strolled to the register and bought it.

See what's funny is that right now instead of pouring my thoughts into my blog like a Penseive, I want so badly to start reading that book again; just to grab any little things I might've forgotten or glazed over.
Now I won't recap the story for you, but I'm only going to mention a few things. I unfortunately feel so incredibly tied to this story. The main character Sarah, is unlucky in life and the book gets so dismal after a bit, that I just want to stop and cry and maybe throw up from the ordeals she's put herself through. But she's obsessive of a past love and unhappy about what she finds and judgemental of something that could be perfect for her. She chases something from too long ago that she knew she could have but now that she wants it, she can't have it. She realizes that she's unlucky... And at 31 realizes that she had been since 14.
She has a group of friends, she slightly envies all of them in a way. Charlotte, the recovering heroin addict who's become rich and famous. Annie, who is living the life she wanted but couldn't have until the end. And then Bitsy, the one who got Everything she wanted, never needed to try for it until she was rewarded with her end, and failed her battle with cancer. (I don't care that I ruined it for you, you'll still need to read this book).
She also shows you her neurotic sister who's as Enviromentally-friendly as an earthworm, but about as loving as a sloth.
Not to mention, a good portion of the story takes place in Charleston.
A few other things to mention, she never ends up married, she has a little girl whom she names Jessie, her father passed away and she's part of the Cameillas, a very traditional Southern debutante society.

Anyway, the reason I'm talking about all this is the fact of how much I was reminded of my family in this past session of me reading.
A moment that made me cry and make me tear up right now is when Sarah left Jessie (her 4 year old) with her mom, while they're home in Charleston for her father's funeral. Sarah left and drove her father's truck around, eventually coming back with food that Jessie really likes (hushpuppies!) and the image of her up on the porch with 'Gramma', and she claps her hands and squeals and exclaims Ooohs! of joy while Gramma fills in with just as much enthusiasm just for Jessie.
For some reason that just makes me picture my Grandma... And as I cry about it right now, it makes me wish I had her with me now so I can hug her tight. I miss those days terribly.
The other moment in the book that made me cry (almost uncontrollably) is when Sarah's talking to an old friend from a long time ago about Jessie and her father etc. Sarah narrates "We chat about life...Me: Northern college, delusions of grandeur, pointless magazine work, bad relationships, constant questioning, one fabulous daughter."
When I read the last part of that line, I sobbed. I'll be honest with you. It came out of nowhere but I got flashes of my mom and whenever she talks about life. She almost always refers to me in that manner, and now I think is the moment when I've appreciated that. I love her more than life itself, even if she doesn't think that sometimes. But what came flooding back to me was all of the hardships we've gone through, emotional and physical. It's just.. well I guess that sentence of Katie Crouch's sums it up. I love my mom and I miss her everyday, and I never want to be apart from her.
God, I'm blubbering.
Not to mention this book being tied into the South, and with Mom and I moving here and acclimating to the culture and the social cues and the rules.
And somehow, after my stupid (almost)-post-adolescent journey to find myself and discover who I am is over, somehow things won't be as bad as they seem and things will just work out. At least I have to believe that in order to not drive myself crazy.
Hmm. I think that this might be a pretty decent step into 'adulthood' if you can even call it that.

Well thanks 20 years- let's start this year off with a bang.

Hide this Face, Hide those Feelings.

I think the emotions from the last few weeks have caught up to me...
I've been running around being as crazy as possible and enjoying (just about) every second of it.
But right now, emotionally I think I might have hit a wall. I told myself that I would focus on myself and my emotions for a minute and take stock of everything that has happened.
The only thing is that I've fallen into sort of a trance, a lull.. I mean I feel like depression sort of feels like this too.
I've managed to raise myself out of it a little so that I'm not just being a bitch to everyone. I was reading HP7 (trying to finish it before the movie in 2 weeks) and then it started to rain a little. But the sun was shining as it is now. I stopped reading, put my book inside momentarily and sat back outside amongst the raindrops. I looked up at the sun and the clouds full of rain and they were beautiful. I then decided to think over everything that I was thankful for, in the long run or just at that moment in particular.
My list was pretty extensive and once I realized this, I felt a little better. The rain started to come down a little more frequent now and every time a drop would hit my foot, I thought of a person I knew whether or not we had a friendship, a love, a shared connection, an argument, a passing look..whatever.
It's impressive how far of a slump I had gotten myself into.
I thought of a friend who this had happened to also. At least I call him a friend, I'm not sure whether he considers me one of those but honestly I don't care anymore. He should know that I care about him no matter how much he tries to convince himself that he isn't worth it. Yeah I might just be "a cool chick" to him but seriously, I doubt he knows what I would do for him. My guess is that he could care less... Which to me is sad when he claims that he has hardly any friends that he can say that about.
Even now, that I think about him, I can imagine saying "Oh no, I know I have that sort of friends..." but then once he's upset about one of them being an ass to him, he seems to feel like none of his friends fully care for him. That just makes me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and yell "Do you not see who's right in front of you!?"
That's the thing with me. I don't take friends lightly. I would do anything that was within my ability for them.

It's just sad that people have been warped and jaded by so many that they can't see when the real thing is in front of them.

And right now, I'm trying to place some form of trust or friendship or something in that one and he brushes me off like a falling dried up leaf, cascading in the autumn wind.
I'm tempted just to walk like I always do, but I'm tired of walking away. I'm tired of feeling so alone after placing trust in someone but they don't quite feel that same sort of trust, and then they leave.
I'm tired of this feeling.
I'm only looking for someone I can believe in, someone I can hug or (even dare I say kiss) and feel that connection between us flow back to me effortlessly. I can't say I've ever felt that before, without either of us getting in the way.
People apparently take this sort of connection further than I intend though. I'm looking for it in friendship. I'm not looking for a dating relationship because I'm too messed up and not cut out for that right now.
But I'm looking for a relationship of- ...a close kind. Someone who would be there, up for anything, and ready to be ..themselves.

But I'm guessing that's too intense for a lot of people. It's unfortunate, but I guess this girl here will just have to keep searching...